Still Unsweetened

I’ve always believed that a touch of sweetness is something we all need. But lately, it’s been hard to find—like chasing warmth in a world gone cold. Still, I cling to hope that one day, perhaps in the quiet of a gentler tomorrow, I’ll no longer feel unsweetened.

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Today, I find myself missing you again. I’ve tried everything to push you out of my mind—working late so I come home too tired to think, drowning in endless shows on TV, even surrounding myself with people just to fill the silence. Still, no matter what I do, the thought of you lingers. I want to forget, but the truth is… it hurts.

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“I was reflecting… When someone genuinely cares for you—shows up for you, supports you, listens when you need it, even goes above and beyond—would you really just ignore them and leave them like that? I know you’re going through something, but do you even care that they’re hurting too? You always say, ‘you don’t understand me,’ but what about them—why don’t you try to understand them too? Would you still choose to hurt them with words, or worse, with silence, instead of simply explaining? Is one honest response really too much to give?”

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Para sayo….

Hindi ka lang ‘feeling,’ ‘selfish’ ka pa. You care so much about how people see you, that you no longer think about whether you’re hurting the people who genuinely care about you. Yes, you didn’t ask for it, pero kahit konting respeto, hindi mo maibigay. You’re a Psych major, you have a Masters Degree, and pursuing your PhD—and yet, you forget the very basics of empathy.

Mabait ka sa iba —but you’re very selective. And yes, it’s okay to be selective, pero bakit pati sa mga totoong nagmamalasakit sa’yo? Or maybe saken lang talaga. Siguro you were so invested sa idea mo na “gustong-gusto kita,” that even if I’m just being friendly - that I’m just being a true friend, ayun pa rin iniisip mo.

What really hurts me is that I showed you my unfiltered self. I was vulnerable with you. You were my safe space—for goodness’ sake, my safe space. That’s why I was so comfortable with you. But now, the very parts of me I trusted you with are being used against me. Suddenly, I’m “too much.” Suddenly, I’m “the one with the disorder.” Naririnig mo ba sarili mo?

Gusto mo, ikaw lang yung iniintindi—kahit nakasakit ka na, ikaw pa rin yung uunawain kasi pagod ka, kasi ang dami mong ginagawa. Pero kami na genuinely nagca-care sa’yo, may kanya-kanya rin kaming pinagdadaanan at ginagawa. Yet we still choose to understand you. So bakit hindi mo mabalik yun? Bakit kelangan mo pang manakit?

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From D to R

—a poem—

Our story began without a spark,

Just roles to play, just light and dark.

You were new, I was your guide,

A boss, a lead, with work as stride.

But then we walked—Technohub’s light,

UP’s Oval bathed in afternoon’s quiet.

Gubat meals and coffee stops,

You drove me home, and time just paused.

That single day cracked open walls,

And slowly, steadily, the silence falls.

With each walk, each talk, each bite we share,

I found someone who’d truly care.

A son so selfless, brave and kind,

A kuya with a thoughtful mind.

A friend, a leader, bright and wise,

A student with the stars as prize.

And me? I laughed, I dared, I tried,

I let you see what I would hide.

In you I found a gentle grace,

My heart could breathe in your safe space.

What pulls me in, I cannot name,

Maybe we’re twins in fate and flame.

Both Geminis, with stories shared,

Working students, young and scared.

Perhaps the cosmos played its part,

Or maybe, love just knows the heart.

Or maybe still—what if it’s true?

That soulmates come as friends like you.

I told you once, last year in fall,

The truth I feared, I said it all.

You didn’t turn, you didn’t run,

But still, I knew—you weren’t the one.

And that’s okay, I understand,

I’ll still be near, I’ll still stand.

Though not the glance I hoped to earn,

I’d never wish our bond to burn.

Forgive me if I crossed the line,

Too loud, too much, too little time.

If I brought storms or silent pain,

If I’m the reason for your strain.

But know this truth I’ll always say:

I’ll cheer you on, come what may.

You’ll soar, you’ll shine, you’ll claim your place,

Even if I’m not in that space.

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Pain doesn’t disappear just because we try to avoid it. Healing begins when we face it, feel it, and choose to grow anyway.

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No matter how useless the talk would be,

Your voice still brought some calm to me.

Stupid jokes or random things,

Still felt the warmth your calling brings.

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Sometimes, the thought of dying feels like both a quiet relief… and a subtle form of revenge.

At the very least, I could finally silence this ache—this feeling that never seems to let go.

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I’m so tired of crying…

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“I’m a great person,

I won’t ask to be loved.”

- Liberation Notes

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“When you're having a hard time, it's natural to feel like you're having the hardest time in the world. And it's not selfish to feel that way.”

- Baek Se-hee, #Iwanttodiebutiwanttoeattteokbokki

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Maybe, I’m a mustard.

I’m awesome in small quantities, but a lot of me is a lot.

#mustard #toomuch #unrequited

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Today, my heart feels unbearably heavy.

Today, I let my tears fall, unspoken sorrows spilling freely.

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Today Pt. 2

Today, you made me feel like I deserved to be shut down,

as if my voice carried no weight, no meaning, no place.

Today, you made me feel like my feelings were insignificant,

tossed aside, unnoticed, unworthy of acknowledgment.

Today, you made me realize that the love and kindness I give

may never find their way back to me.

Today, you made me feel like I should be ashamed of myself,

as if existing, as if feeling, was a mistake.

Today… Today…

Today is just too much.

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April 1

Today, you made me feel small—

as if my presence was a burden, my words an inconvenience.

Today, you hurt me, not with fists, but with words that cut just as deep.

All I wanted was a moment with you,

a friend to talk to, a space to exist without feeling like too much.

But instead, you made me feel like I was asking for the impossible.

Today, you made me feel unseen, unheard—

as if my feelings were too heavy for you to hold.

Today, you left me feeling broken.

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I hate it when people make me feel small—

like I am unworthy of attention,

undeserving of even a single, decent reply.

And yet, despite it all,

I still find myself wanting to apologize—

for feeling too much, for being too much.

Maybe, for some, I am.

But if caring deeply means being too much,

then I wish I felt nothing at all.

I wish I could wake up numb—

no emotions, no heaviness in my chest—

just a hollow shell, a soulless ghost.

#unrequited

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Last month, I cut off a longtime work friend over a simple misunderstanding, to the point that we unfollowed each other on IG and FB. It was sad, especially after exchanging Christmas gifts, but in hindsight, it needed to happen. The fallout hurt more than I expected, but instead of dwelling on it, I started remembering all the things he had done for me—the ones I once overlooked.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that time and memories don’t always mean someone will value you the way you value them. Some people will only keep you around as long as it benefits them. And sometimes, letting go isn’t just necessary—it’s freeing.

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Here is where I dared to love,

Where secrets bloomed and words took flight.

And here, beneath the weight of hope,

My heart was broken in the night.