Where I Vomit Unwanted Emotions

Will be my daily blog to rant, spill what is on my mind, vent everything that bothers me. If you have stumbled upon this blog, feel free to read or leave.

[unwelcomefeelings]

Sometimes it is hard for me to express my feelings to you. Macam. Salah sikit, tawar hati. It makes me tawar hati as well, do you know that? :’) i know im getting boring pasal, everything is restricted when it comes to you. Kan jadi cheerful macam dulu, payah. I want the happy me back. :’) asal meluahkan sikit, you ignored me. Kadang sampai sehari dua. Im not the type yang suka memendam. Liat saja ani. Sampai inda betidur. I tried not to think about it. But sigh. I always think that im in a one sided relationship with you. I know youre trying too, but its hard. Dalam otak ani macam macam banarnya. Kan buat ani with you, atu ani. Kadang besweet pun macam kana reject. Im actually ashamed of myself. Thats why semua jadi blur and dull. And you noticed me always on my phone sudah? Because im afraid to speak up. Afraid you would leave me. :’)

- M, 10/05/2020

[the-book-diaries]

“I live my own life and nurse my own wounds. It’s not the best way to live. But it’s the way I am.”

— Jeffrey Eugenides, Middlesex (via the-book-diaries)

[unwelcomefeelings]

Trapped in circles

I decided to have a sleepover at my bf. Things were okay, me with my bunch of work, and simultaneously playing and switching games from The Sims to PUBG to social networking. He was playing games as usual. The next day I woke up, it was drizzling outside. While I was playing the Sims, my phone fell from my hand and I was so sleepy so I shut down my phone and went back to sleep. This time it was 2pm and I just had my brunch. I was so bored. I don’t want to do my reports just yet. Sundays are meant for some fun day! But unfortunately not for me. Bf’s sister went out 3 hours ago so I’m left with my bf and his aunt. Both of them are sleeping while here I am posting this blog. Hah. The only thing that is fun here is the hamsters. I love squeezing each one of them. Oddly satisfying. Now what should I do now? Go back to sleep? Ugh my head aches from all the inactiveness. While i was eating I felt like I need to find a new boyfriend who doesn’t just abandoned me like this. I begged my bf to bring out to the beaches or go see a movie like the old days but like he said, things are not the same anymore. The thing is, what about me? If I went out and had fun, for sure this guy will get mad at me. I don’t know. Everyday I had to face the same shit again. If i had a driving license I would rather see the world outside. Drive everywhere I want or maybe just relax my mind at the seaside rather than just sleeeeeeep alllll dayyyyy. Yeah i know sleep is essential but ive been sleeping a lot this week! Some people said they are stressed out. Well i dont understand what stresses them out when they can just drive their car and go everywhere to calm that mind. I have none. Asked mom to bring me anywhere, i tell you, she wont. People keep abandoning me like shit. Im tired of that.

[unwelcomefeelings]

Mentally Abusive

I’m in a relationship with a guy for a long time and we were so comfortable with each other. yes we are still in love (but I’m not sure if I would call it as love, or maybe they are just, egos). so we went on an argument just now, it started when I asked him something simple like, who are you going to CB with tomorrow? and he said: “my group”. I was not satisfied with the answer, and you know, being a woman, you want everything to be specific. I asked him thrice and he called me stupid and dumb and that the answer was right there all along. well, he was with me for five years and still didn’t get my mind. he knows I overthink and still do that. I mean, either answering my questions vaguely or ignoring me and go on chatting away as to make me forgot about my questions. He was a pretty smart person, he lied to me over and over. being a woman is great tho, you have that instinct that tells if he was telling the truth or not. caught him over and over again on social media chasing after young girls who are desperate for attention. yep it hurts so good that I decided to slit my left legs using a scarf pin, sharp enough to bleed and leave scars. so I was saying, he was aggressive and egomaniac. you cannot simply say something that could trigger his mind or else he would go on a mental breakdown. sometimes I wonder if I wanted to marry this kind of guy, of course, the answer is no. but the truth is, he is only abusive when we are texting. when we are one to one, he was a sleepyhead and funny. at the moment I blocked him so I don’t have to read and receive those abusive messages from him. seriously, I was about to cry, but then I held my head up and clicked that Block button. I will unblock him tomorrow just in case he was still angry at me now. usually the storm would go after hours. I don’t mind him going out and doing stuff behind my back because sooner or later, I will find out anyway so it is not my problem. but please, if anyone knows how to treat and date or even better, change his attitude, please do let me know, hit me up. I don’t want to find someone new because it was exhausting and it is so hard to find someone who genuinely likes you for who you are. thank you for reading. good night!

[unwelcomefeelings]

The way to freedom

[unwelcomefeelings]

Anger Management

It has been on mind since last night. I was so angry about these little things. I get it. Everyone is pretty messed up with the unorganized school schedules and pilling up of workloads that everyone is acting crazy and wild. Especially me who has anger management issues. I wanted to know who that person who answered my survey questions (for research assignments) so rude. I searched for that person. I spilled the tea on socmed and turned out that person was from my inner circle. Someone who is closed to me but not quite, everytime we see each other in class or wherever, we always made funny faces or joke around like we were sisters. I guess both of us have something in common: ratty. Well it is not her fault in the first place. I was just overreacting and.. I don’t know. It has been eating me since yesterday that I made her cry. I have already apologized yesterday but I feel like I’m still a bad person. That’s why I decided to limit my time on social apps or possibly games and find myself a new hobby instead. Like blogging, maybe. Posting shits on social media always the best way to keep me calmed. Even if it involves embarrassing myself and people who read it will judge me for what I have said on media. That is why I keep regretting having to live in this technology era. I wish I was born wayyy earlier. Before the World Wars. That would be cool. At least I have something to tell my grandchildren. I’m supposed to do work but I’m too tired with all the drama I have involved in, even if I am the one who is creating that drama. And I’m waiting. For mom to tell me, “bah let’s go out. We are going to Lugu. Bring your stuff”. Yep we are moving out of this freaking house once and for all. And me having to have my own sweet personal space which I’m excited to decorate.