urdadthinksimfine

rehab from all that I loved but hurt me

[melonramune]

1960s Japanese Apartment in The Matsudo Museum

[th0rns]

via

[urdadthinksimfine]

Hagebuttentee in der Nacht zu Heiligabend, Jeanne die Kamikazediebin

[th0rns]

[geopsych]

A muted sunrise over a green suburbia.

[urdadthinksimfine]

Wasn’t this this one Ghibli with those kids figuring out their passions

Life as young as the day, dew on the leaves and the soul

[1010ll]

by botticelliangels http://ift.tt/1S5kuzl

[urmomthinksimfine]

In a past I want to create, where fun was had, lighthearted with this joyful approach to life.

[urdadthinksimfine]

a joyful approach to pain, to boredom, to overwhelmedness, to incapability, to being depressed and boring.

having that and put the fingers on the elbows and pretend that its a vibe or lifestyle or whatever.

playing with it, cuz its not that serious, its nothing too bad, its whatever, life i guess.

[urdadthinksimfine]

Yes, reparenting myself with humor and lightheartedness.

Joyful approach to lostness sein Vater and aversion to reality <3

[urdadthinksimfine]

day 5 and im scared to fuck it up

so very scared, i shouldnt count days maybe, too scared to have to count from 1 again at some point. im generous with what i let slip anyway..

the thought of sauna through urban sports slipped my mind completely, and when i talked to cilli about what i need to take with me for sports AND library, this became handleable, we talked about free gym with sauna.

the thought, of going to the sauna with okay-enough skin, even with cilli, enjoying an relaxing time, the whole thing as a possibility to manage stress, as a skill, as an healthy mental health coping mechanism.

.

Utopia // going to the library, work for a few hours with whatever of an outcome, going home to pack some sauna stuff, go to the sauna and sleep at my moms after, to go to the kawa the next morning with her and if were lucky, theres steam on the water like the other day.

.

THIS is reality, its not an utopia. well, it is most of the times.. and right now, im so scared to fuck up, that it becomes one once again. so simple and beautiful and right now, its.. simple.. except for the fact that the simplicity costs an awful lot of alertness, constant tension and so much effort.

not destroying all of what is right now.. is so, so hard. and im so anxious. so, so anxious. it was good and very surprising to cry infront of cilli and tell her about it. surprising that i for once could express how exhausting it is to be happy and positivly excited, how much of a kind of danger it is. how fragile the state.

it was good, because wednesday i realized that i dont have anyone to talk about it really, no one who is going through an recovery themselves, no one who shares with me what they feel and do and vise versa.. but cilli, she doesnt do recovery but she can understand it to an extend, since she struggles with addictive behavior herself. it felt really good, that she hold me. it felt really good. to share some tears that were waiting to get cried, taking some of the solitariness and tension from my system with them.

女将様、im so excited and im so happy about the last few days. im happy about the situation now, it seems so easy and simple. i havent felt that way in a long time. please, hold Your arms open, for when I need Your warm embrace. どうもありがとうございます。

[urdadthinksimfine]

Little utopia stories like that,

Revealing nothing but this tender longing for lightness in this life. Find ease and maybe a spark of joy with whats there.

[urdadthinksimfine]

Day whateverest

I dont like that i dont know where im going, that i dont now what to work, that im not even comfortable with what im doing, when this is how i live my life.

i dont like that. if i apply for mcdonalds why do i constantly wonder what is going to be in 5 months? will i have an answer as to what and if i study?

its comnstantly bothering me. it makes me feel like im in some state between things.

why cant i just be THAT. THIS, what IS.

its bothering me bc i dont like how things are right now. but i wish i could just see it as my tasks for now. no bigger things than what needs to be changed now:

tidying up my room

organize my stuff

meditate

do recovery and finds skills and awareness

date

make money

do my license

do excercise and dance

all those things need to be done and are uninfluenced by "whats going to be in the future?" well, those old problem too if i dont focus on them.

my problem.. is NOW

not later, no bigger scale.

my problem is whats going on and not going on right now.

namaste

[urdadthinksimfine]

day one after a break from the bread

i feel so worthless. i feel so worthless, that i dont want to be percieved at all. i want to withdraw from everything and everyone that i know.

it got even clearer when i thought of meeting my grandparents, thinking of how consumed and paralyzed and hard it is for me to write this one essay. thinking about doing something big, bigger than i did until now, something... valuable. the thought is haunting, being percieved by the people that know me.

i cant do good, i cant do good enough, just meeting them i wont do good enough, so i want to withdraw from them completely. its better they dont have me anymore in there life than with what i am - not good enough.

i am not good enough and i disappoint everyone. i am alone with all of this, because its a burden to everyone, how incapable i am, how bad..

.

writing now whatever comes to my mind with what ive read so far about the topic, of course having choi read it at some point, it pains me to the core.

when i realized my thoughts on my walk, i felt like pierce the veil and now i listen to it, while writing. nothing soothing will soothe me like something that resonates with my pain. no funny movie, no relaxing music.

my pain hurts less when its surrounded by pain. my misery is less paralyzing when i can let it engulf me completely.

because i feel lonely. and nothing can take that away. at least i can stay with me and mirror this pain.

.

i want to write and just write, mark where i need a source, where i need fitting words.

i just want to write, like i usally dont, i realize. i wonder if thats connected to me, right now, accepting that i am just incapable, that what i produce is shame provoking. that im no good?

it seems so me that sthis is something i never do. write things down that i think. i do it all the time, but only concerning me, so very personal. i never do it for school, for stories that might be read by other people. always scared they see or think of me as incapable.

i dont want to be that and i think that is the problem. if i am so, i want to just accept. i want to be okay with being a dame ningen, i want to fuck the expectations of other people... i want to stop trying, "its such a relief" and just ... be okay with it. give up, not having this pressure.

even though it feels like it will push people away. even though it feels like this whole trying things that wont come easily to me, is what pushes other people away in the first place. that makes me keep that distance. like i dont want to see behind the façade. dont percieve me. dont see the real me.

what happenes. if i dont try to hide whats there anymore? what happenes if i dont make things up, to be filled anymore?

what will happen, when i reach that state of freedom?

[urdadthinksimfine]

the sadness is for real, i feel so lonely, so, so lonely. every now and then i can take a step away and see, just bad bullshit, it dont need to be good, then i feel some soothing lightness, but yes, i feel lonely, so lonely.

[urdadthinksimfine]

day something after whatever

lets get this bread, its just part of the training of how to get this bread a little more light heartened while getting bread stressed as always.

just hustle away that shit, just hustle away that shit bruh.

.

makes me think of david and that i like him. nice to have him in my live

[urdadthinksimfine]

looked at myself in the mirror, face mask on the skin, anxiety in the limbs. and i think about how hard it all feels and then i remember, im an addict in recovery and i tried my best to not get used to bad emotions. so, of course it feels ridiculously hard. thats just how it is.

part of the training dakara.

[urdadthinksimfine]

day whatever the second

just when i put band aids on my arms, i felt a glimpse of longing for a summer in spain with my cousins. the beaches and the time together, the food and the drinks, maybe once, maybe someday enjoyed as they are with no matter regarding what i am.

.

im impatient, am i not? i know i am, Okamisama, i want to be light and spacious already, skipping a time that feels like waste, like too slow, like a time stealing from a better one.

this is now and there is pain and they say only the suffering is optional.

running towards a better time isnt gonna work, is it? trying to outrun time is running in dreams, viscous and terrifying, making you wish you chose to fight instead of run from the thing that threatens to hurt you.

.

im scared. yes, im scared.

[urdadthinksimfine]

Time will tell,

So don’t you worry.

Time will tell,

Take your time,

Take it easy.

Only time will tell.

[urdadthinksimfine]

Day Fucked Up

What does it take to make my life... pumpkin spicy, dark academic, 2am versioned?

[urdadthinksimfine]

do you think, ne, do you think.. with this all being training, you know, with this all being just training, this all being training on being lively, ne, kinda, being alive and passionate, with this all training how to be passionate and active, you know, with all this being training, ne, ill be passionate some day?

do you think, ne, would you think, you know, that this whole passion and this activeness and, you know, aliveness.. that i do.. that i trained.. that ill feel it it? that ill feel passionate and i feel active and i feel alive, too?

and then, ne, if i feel it, too, all of this.. do you think.. ill look like that, too? do you think, i look passionate and active and alive, too? would you think, you know.. that my cheeks will look passionate? that my chest and my eyes and my hair will look all what i feel? would you think that?

you know, with all this stuff, you know.. would you think, ne, would you think.. that it got easier? you know, with all this training? that it in the beginning, ne, only little is hard and then gets easy and then, maybe, a lot is hard and then also became easy and then at some point, you know, what i trained, ne, it became a skill?

would you think that?

i wonder, you know.. i wonder about those things.. you know, ne, you know.. i sure hope so. i hope so, you know.

[urdadthinksimfine]

drawing the fox i wanted to wish a good evening. imagining how he suddenly lifts a hat as a thank you, walking stick in the other hand, a pipe in the corner of his mouth.

[urdadthinksimfine]

202 and nail polish and rugs and candles and incense sticks.