VA Diary Dash

THIS IS WHERE I UNLOAD MY THOUGHTS

[va-diarydash]

Journey Through Chaos: Triumphs, Trials, and Self-Discovery

August 7, 2023

Wow! What an incredibly busy day it has been! I awoke with a rush of thoughts about today's tasks awaiting me. Having taken just a half-day off last Friday to attend a wedding, it seems that decision has come back to challenge me. My to-do list is quite extensive, and I was startled upon checking my calendar to see the multitude of calls scheduled. This prompted a moment of panic, leading me to attempt tackling all my tasks simultaneously, an approach that proved counterproductive. So, I decided to pause, take a deep breath, exhale, and then proceeded to compile a list, prioritizing tasks along the way. I identified tasks that could be delegated and focused on addressing them one by one. I'm relieved to share that I successfully completed all the urgent tasks today.

Another noteworthy incident at work was the meeting with our counterparts in Singapore. We had differing opinions; I aimed to establish an expectation with clients regarding potential fluctuations in the number of test scenarios our team would conduct, based on the available data columns. However, my counterpart held a differing perspective and dismissed my idea, suggesting that I failed to comprehend the scenario. I made an attempt to clarify my viewpoint and subsequently muted my microphone, allowing her to make the final decision. Reflecting on this, I realize that in future situations, I should assert myself more strongly in communication, expressing my thoughts beyond a single explanation before going on mute. Such assertiveness could greatly benefit our team.

Conversely, my sessions with Dr. Margie consistently prove invaluable. While I still experience nerves prior to our meetings, I invariably find the outcomes highly beneficial. Through these sessions, I've gained numerous insights and self-discoveries. Remarkably, Dr. Margie's seemingly simple questions often lead to profound realizations about myself. Additionally, she provided me with a list of affirming statements, and just reading through them provides an immediate boost in my mood. It's as if these statements infuse me with hope and confidence in the prospect of personal improvement.

Positive Talk:

- I am continuously evolving and becoming a better individual.

- I utilize challenges as motivation for learning and growth.

- Progress is achieved one step at a time.

- My aspirations, not my difficulties, guide me.

- It's valid to express my reasons; I need not fear doing so.

[va-diarydash]

Embracing Lazy Elegance: A Couch Potato's Journey of Hope and Inspiration

August 6, 2023

Today, I'm embracing the art of slowing down and indulging in a touch of laziness, hehe! I've always been someone who craves activity, finding it hard to just sit idle. Maybe that's why I often feel drained, even as the weekends pass by without fully recharging my batteries. So, I've officially declared most of my Sundays as my dedicated lazy and therapy day. Although today's therapy got postponed to Monday due to some pesky internet troubles.

On my designated lazy day, my journal might not get filled with a whirlwind of entries. Instead, I'm all about the basics. A swift tidying of my room, a hasty reorganization of my dresser, a dash of desk cleaning – and then I'm right back to my expert couch-potato mode, haha! It's just me, binging on TV series, happily embracing my inner couch potato. I'm even patting myself on the back for resisting the urge to dive into emails, flip through my books, start painting the myriad ideas dancing in my mind, or even tackle the unfinished tasks from last Friday.

With not much else to report today, let's dive into a topic close to my heart – that special K-pop tune that's struck a chord with me. The song that's about to inspire my next artistic creation is none other than BTS's "Zero O’clock." This gem sends a beautiful message: no matter how topsy-turvy things are right now, this day will inevitably wind down and hit "zero o'clock," the magical midnight hour. The chorus chimes in with the promise, "And you’re gonna be happy." It's a song that wraps you in a cocoon of hope, reminding you that problems and worries ebb away with each passing day, as the minute and second hands meet in perfect harmony. When the world holds its breath for a fleeting moment at "Zero o'clock," it offers another chance at happiness.

BTS has an array of splendidly crafted songs that tug at the heartstrings, but this one holds a special place in my heart. And guess what? I'm all set to translate its essence onto canvas.

Positive Talk:

- Remember, rest is productive too!

- Your strength shines through in every moment you hold on.

- It's absolutely okay to revel in doing nothing once in a while.

- Each new dawn carries the promise of happiness anew.

[va-diarydash]

Sparkly Saturday Adventures with Barbie and Life Lessons

August 5, 2023

What an adorably unique Saturday it has been! My past Saturdays used to be all about lounging around the house with nothing much to do. But ever since I started this therapy journey, things have taken a charming twist. After my second psychotherapy session, I made up my mind to resurrect my beloved Saturday hobbies. And guess what? Today was like a playful carousel of events, a delightful dance that took me to the mall, a whimsical Barbie movie, and even a bubbly kiddie party! Quite a spree, I must say. Though I admit, after attending a wedding last night, my social batteries were running a tad low. But on the whole, I couldn't help but savor every bit of it.

Oh, by the way, Dr. Margie hit the nail on the head with that Barbie movie recommendation. It's not your typical magical or musical Barbie flick. Nope, it delved into the world of mental well-being. Can we dive into the sparkle of my takeaways from this film? It truly brightened up my day!

Vina's Sparkling Insights from the Barbie Movie:

It's absolutely okay to mix up your routine – Just like Barbie, who ventured into the "Real World" to break free from her norm. It wasn't a walk in the park, but this daring leap was what led her to discover a whole new purpose.

Give those fresh starts a warm embrace – Ah, the jitters of facing change or stepping out of your comfy bubble. But hey, take a cue from Barbie, and welcome those new beginnings with open arms. Feeling stuck? Don't be shy to seek a helping hand. Trust me, there are folks out there more than happy to lend an ear, if you just let your words flow.

You're way more than your job, pals, or trophies. Unveil the real you – Ken's got a lesson here. He used to think he was just Barbie's sidekick, but guess what? He's "Kenough" just as he is, no strings attached.

It's doesn’t need to be perfect, it just need to be better – This one hit home, big time. We tend to pile on the pressure, reaching for sky-high standards and perfection. But let's pause for a sec. It's not about perfection; it's about taking those baby steps toward becoming a better you. Imperfections and all, you've got this!

This journal entry has turned into a sweet symphony of positivity, a charming reminder that was all thanks to the Barbie movie – how amusing!

Positive Talk:

- Embrace the twist in your routine, it's a-okay.

- Step into new beginnings with a twirl.

- You're uniquely you, and that's wonderfully enough.

- Flaunt your quirks, they're the spice of life.

- Perfect? Nah, just a little better is splendid.

- Feeling low is alright, as long as you bounce back with a smile.

[va-diarydash]

Pushing My Social Limits

August 4, 2023

I could happily report that work has been going splendidly, and my motivation is making a joyful return. Despite numerous challenges in the region I'm handling, they haven't rattled me much. I simply take a deep breath, exhale, and find my calm. I always remind myself that I'm not alone – my director and senior manager are there to assist.

Today, I decided to embrace a social challenge. When I sought professional help, I had two worries. First, my work motivation was slipping, along with my enthusiasm for things I once enjoyed. Second, I grappled with social awkwardness. While I'm working on the first concern through my management plan, the second one is proving quite the puzzle. So, I decided to throw myself into challenges. I began by inviting two old friends I'd lost touch with over to our place. Then, I attended a wedding, sitting among a mix of familiar faces and strangers. Finally, I mustered the courage to greet friends I hadn't spoken to in ages, circling the table.

I'm beaming with pride for my accomplishments – the evening was a blend of happiness, genuine conversations, awkwardness, and social exhaustion, hahaha! Despite my social battery running low, I survived the night, and truthfully, it wasn't as bad as I'd feared. I'm also thrilled I attended, despite being 50% tempted to come up with excuses. Witnessing my "Ate" and "Kuya's" love story and wedding at the church was utterly heartwarming.

My takeaway from today? It's clear I need to open up to people more. I should embrace my awkwardness and shyness. Perhaps over time, I'll grow accustomed to it. Maybe it's similar to training at work – initially uncomfortable and lacking confidence, but with practice, we improve until we're confident and at ease.

Positive Talk:

- You're surrounded by countless friends who truly long for your company and hold you dear.

- Keep going, and before you know it, you'll shine with newfound confidence and skill.

- Don't get caught up in overthinking. Embrace your authentic self – you're perfect just as you are.

- Way to go on tackling this social adventure! Each step brings you closer to becoming an even more amazing version of yourself.

[va-diarydash]

Finding Freedom in Speaking Up

August 3, 2023

Today is another workday, but I feel more energetic since I rested yesterday when I was out sick, even though I wasn't that sick, haha. As soon as I got out of bed, I knew the first task I'd work on. After breakfast and getting ready, I started on that specific task, and I must say, my motivation is coming back, all thanks to Doc. Margie's Management plan.

Delegating tasks is easier now, and I have fewer worries. The only major trigger at work today is my OC tendencies. During a call, a colleague's screen presentation wasn't perfectly aligned, and it bothered me. I wanted to request control of his screen to align the codes. It might sound funny, but I scored high on an OCD test. I shared this with a close friend at the office who knows I'm undergoing psychotherapy. She cracked a joke about it, and we laughed together. Surprisingly, voicing it out helped me; the urge to align his codes faded away, and I let it slide.

Our management team faces various challenges: projects closing soon, overworked staff, utilization, and revenue targets. I can feel the stress and pressure, but voicing out my feelings helps release some of the tension and makes it feel shared within the management. Today, I opened up to all the managers about how stressed and pressured I feel. Since I'm not usually open about my feelings, they were surprised and appreciated my honesty.

I'm also stepping out of my comfort zone by inviting a friend I haven't seen in a while to our house, so we can get ready together and attend a wedding. I'm anxious about our interaction, but I'll embrace being more sociable and just go with the flow. Who knows, it might not be awkward, and we could enjoy catching up while dressing up.

Positive Talk:

- Let your worries be heard; a little voice goes a long way!

- Don't keep everything inside; there are caring ears waiting to listen.

- You're not forever stuck with those quirks; they're just for now, and they can totally get better! 😉

- No need to force the talk; let it flow naturally like a sweet melody.

- Inhale, exhale - all will be A-okay! 💕

[va-diarydash]

Finally Conceding to the Gloomy Weather

August 2, 2023

Today was a rather uneventful day, hehe! You know why? I happily surrendered to the charm of the gloomy weather. And you know what? I absolutely adored it! Last night, our helper forgot to put my cozy blanket in my room, and let me tell you, it's a must for my sleep no matter the weather or temperature. Unfortunately, I noticed the missing blanket a bit too late, which resulted in a night of restless sleep. So, it's no surprise that I ended up feeling a bit lazy and laid-back today.

Despite the guilt I was feeling, I made the decision to call out sick from work to catch some extra naps and fully embrace the rainy weekday by doing absolutely nothing. After my nap, I leisurely woke up around 11:00 am and had a lovely brunch. Before taking a bath, I felt an urge to rearrange some of the furniture in my room. Surprisingly, this simple task brought me great satisfaction, and I instantly noticed how much cozier my room felt afterwards.

Since I have nothing to do while I'm out sick at work, I couldn't resist checking my work email and the teams using my phone. Among the inquiries, I prioritized answering only the urgent ones. Unexpectedly, one of the inquiries came from our big boss, inquiring about the NSR issue. For the first time in forever, I decided to ignore my boss's email and postponed checking the issue until tomorrow. But, why do I always end up feeling guilty for taking time off when I have perfectly valid reasons? We do have 20 days of vacation leave and 12 days of sick leave, after all. It's something I should work on.

So, as I reflect on today, I realize I need to learn how not to feel guilty when I prioritize myself over work, especially since it's not something I do regularly. After all, I am working to live, not living to work. It's essential to find a balance and take care of myself too.

Positive Talk:

- Vina, it's absolutely okay to take a break and rest, you know! 😊

- No need to feel guilty for putting yourself first sometimes. It's not something you do all the time, after all. ❤️

- Remember, sick leaves and vacation leaves are there to be used and enjoyed! 🌈

- You're working to live, not living to work! 🌟

- You can totally overcome your struggle with communication and still attend that wedding! You'll have a blast! 💃🎉

[va-diarydash]

When the Rain Invites Me to a Snuggle Fest

August 1, 2023

Wow, what a delightful start to August! Snuggled up in bed, battling the gloomy weather is quite a challenge. If only my to-do list was shorter and the client calls fewer, I'd let my laziness throw a little party. But duty calls, and with a smile, I shall rise and conquer my day!

Despite feeling a little lazy and being 30 minutes late for work, I can proudly say that I'm improving. There's a newfound joy, motivation, and fulfillment in my work now. Of course, I still have some worries about work-related things, but I think that's normal as everyone gets busy. I'm not operating at 100% today; my psychologist advised me to slow down, and today I'm feeling extra slow. The weather is definitely affecting my mood and work momentum. I must admit, I'm strongly tempted, about 95% close, to snuggle up in a blanket and spend the day in bed. But luckily, I managed to pull myself together and get some work done.

Today, I felt a twinge of sadness and ended up overthinking a situation. I've been working on communicating more lately, but earlier, I felt a bit ignored. In our group chat, when others ask questions about work, they get instant responses from fellow members. However, when it's me asking a question, it seems like no one replies. I had to tag specific people and repeat my question to get an answer. It's really puzzling because I have a good relationship with them, and they genuinely care for me. This makes me wonder why – am I not that interesting, or do they think I don't really need help? Regardless, I'll use this experience to reflect and find a better approach next time, rather than dwelling on it.

But aside from that situation, I am actually happy today! Normally, I get shy when someone praises me or compliments my work. But this time, even though I still feel a little bashful, I decided to accept the compliment with a simple "thanks" and a smile. Surprisingly, it made me even happier! I'm not sure why, but it's something I'll definitely ponder. Maybe accepting compliments is one of the secret to boosting happiness and confidence!

And guess what? I managed to leave work earlier than expected today! It seems like the weekly management plan is doing wonders for me. There's still so much to explore and improve within myself, and today's events proved that. But you know what? I'm feeling really happy and content with my little progress so far!

Positive Talk:

- You are more than enough, just the way you are!

- You're blossoming and making progress every day!

- Look at you! Today, you're even happier than yesterday!

- You did great today and handled everything like a pro!

- Remember, not every day is smooth sailing, but let's embrace the challenges and grow from them!

- Everyone adores you, so don't overthink it!

[va-diarydash]

Clash and Converse

July 31, 2023

Today was yet another gloomy day, I believe, for the entire Luzon region. The combination of this dreary and cold weather is giving me all the more reasons to consider not going to work. It's completely understandable, though. It's not that I'm feeling unstable; I mean, who wouldn't want to cozy up on a rainy day?

Despite the gloomy weather, I managed to muster the energy to leave my bed, have some breakfast, and get ready for work. My day was hectic, filled with calls, delegating tasks, strategizing for the next project, addressing concerns and questions from my subordinates, and working on my own assigned tasks. But to my surprise, I found myself enjoying it all again. There's a sense of fulfillment when I cross tasks off my to-do lists, a feeling I haven't experienced in a long time.

I try my best to delegate some of my tasks, but I still worry if the resources I assign will do a great job. Despite this concern, I remind myself of what Doc. Margie told me during our session: I should teach them rather than just tolerate them. Allowing them to work independently, make mistakes, and guiding them to correct those mistakes is crucial. Besides guiding them, I'll also perform thorough quality assurance on their output before sending it to our client to maintain positive feedback from our team.

Another worry is the start of this Fiscal Year, where we need to target not only a certain revenue but also maintain a specific utilization percentage. This might be challenging since some of our SMs are fond of giving discounts to our clients. However, I guess I shouldn't fret about it just yet. It's not happening at this moment, and I shouldn't overthink or think too far ahead. Instead, I should focus on the present and address concerns as they come. One at a time Vina… one at a time only!

I also did something unusual for me. I had a disagreement with one of our SMs regarding the budget for one of our engagements. For the first time, I didn't simply agree to what he wanted, even though I knew we would have some disagreements. I made an effort to calmly explain to him why we couldn't cut the budget in half, as it would affect the team's utilization. Though I failed to convey that we could compromise, so I'm not sure if the conversation was successful. He didn't comment, but we parted ways on good terms. However, he contacted my Senior Manager to raise the budget issue, which made me worried if I offended him or if I lost credibility in estimating project budgets. It's been on my mind, and I'm trying not to overthink it. Instead, I'm focusing on how to communicate such concerns better in the future. I still have a long way to go, but I'm hopeful that I can improve. This is already a first step for me. I didn't avoid a disagreement, and hey, I also tried to delegate tasks, plus I enjoyed working today.

Positive Talk:

- You are getting better; you enjoyed your day today and felt a sense of fulfillment.

- Relax, you are doing a great job, and remember, failure is part of the learning process.

- Don't worry about tomorrow, focus on today.

- Some people appreciate your hard work.

- Pat yourself on the back; you did things you wouldn't usually do.

[va-diarydash]

Embracing the Third Session of Healing Insights, Savoring a Matcha Reward

July 30, 2023

I'm experiencing another slow day today, a truly relaxing one. It's not the typical Sunday where I usually work even after going to church and taking a nap until dinner time. Today, I made an effort to slow down and embrace life, despite feeling like I might be unproductive. I focused on relaxing for the sake of my well-being.

Today, I began my Sunday later than usual. I had breakfast at 8:00 am without feeling rushed, as we were only attending the online service due to bad weather and floods in other areas. Yesterday was a productive day for me, as I revisited hobbies I used to love. However, today was different—a more relaxed day with fewer activities. I allowed myself to be lazy, a literal couch potato, haha! I caught up on episodes of 'Suchwita' that I hadn't been able to watch due to work, and to make it even more enjoyable, I invited my cousin to watch with me. We laughed together as our favorite K-pop idol got drunk in the episode

I took a break from being lazy, haha! After having lunch, I quickly took a bath and prepared for my third session with Dr. Margie. Today, we discussed my PBQ, and she allowed me to justify my answers. To my relief, my answer regarding the dependent disorder was just out of respect for our helper, so I am cleared of having that disorder. However, I received a moderate result for my avoidant disorder. Some people on TikTok say that accepting test results like this can be difficult, but I am thankful that it doesn't bother me. I wholeheartedly accepted the results and was eager to understand this disorder, as it contributes to my social anxiety.

Another significant finding was my OCD, which showed a high result. I laughed it off during the session because my friends often tease me about it. However, Dr. Margie explained how it can affect me, and I realized that it's not a laughing matter. I need to address this to become a better leader and manager. My OCD leads me to tolerate my subordinates' mistakes because I prefer doing things on my own rather than correcting them, again because of my own standards. It also causes stress and drains me as I have high standards for myself, my work, and my output, which can also stress my colleagues. I plan to work on this issue this week by delegating more tasks and letting others work on them, only correcting them if I notice any mistakes in their output.

Overall, I enjoyed today's session more than the previous ones. In the past, I felt really shy and anxious about discussing my mental struggles with a professional. However, today was different—I felt more relaxed, comfortable, and open to sharing. I must admit there is still some discomfort, especially when explaining my answers. It's like talking about things I don't even want to discuss. Nevertheless, I can overcome that feeling because I truly want to understand myself better. I am determined to embark on this journey of self-discovery and become more confident in facing others without overthinking things.

Not much else happened as I decided to make Sunday my lazy day. However, I ended my day by treating myself to my favorite matcha latte as a reward for my third session, while reflecting on what Doc. Margie had told me before ending the session. She said, "You are capable, you are strong, and you are enough." What a wonderful reminder today. It brought me joy and happiness.

Positive talk:

- “You are capable, you are strong, you are enough." - Doc. Margie

- Don't be in a hurry to get better. It will take time, but you will get there.

- “If it is not meant for you, it will drain you. If it energizes you, it's a clue." - Suchwita

- Simple things like a matcha latte can make you happy and uplift your mood. You just need to be aware of your feelings.

[va-diarydash]

A Relaxing Day - The Perfect Weekend

July 29, 2023

Today, I woke up with a heavy head from being sick yesterday. Although I'm still not fully recovered, it's Saturday! No work, no deadlines to deal with – just time for myself and what I want to do.

My usual Saturday would involve me still working, trying to lessen the unfinished tasks, thinking it would reduce the pressure, especially when Monday comes. However, going through this psychotherapy made me decide to prioritize rest for my body and mind, acknowledging their need for it. So today, I tried my best to forget about work, the piling up tasks, and solely focused on resting and relaxing.

I always wake up late on Saturdays since it's the only time when I can do so without an alarm clock. After waking up, I wash up and quickly return to my bed. Despite the cold weather, I leave the aircon on and wrap the blanket around me. Then, I grab my phone to watch random TikTok videos and YouTube content from the creators I follow. It's such a peaceful morning, without any hustle or the need to hurry to log on to my work laptop and finish tasks.

At around 10:30 am, I stopped watching and got out of bed. Despite my mother cooking, I decided to prepare a brunch for myself - my simple favorite meal of scrambled eggs with rice and seaweeds. After eating, I did some household chores and then made myself an Iced Coffee. I took some photos of my coffee and the book I am reading before enjoying the coffee while finishing my book. It was at that moment that I realized, "This is a perfect weekend for me."

After finishing the book, I took some time to ponder my takeaways and lessons learned from it. I enjoy doing this, and usually, I write about it in my Instagram post along with a photo of the book. Then, I decided to pamper myself. Weekdays are busy with work, so I rarely get the chance to take a long bath. Today, I took my time, waxed my legs, applied some bleach, and indulged in a body scrub. The products I used have a delightful scent that lingers on my skin even after the bath. Even though I don't have any plans to go out, I sprayed my favorite perfume after getting dressed, and in my mind, I thought, "Wow, this is so refreshing and it makes me happy."

Then I decided to grab some snacks while playing with my dogs. I love sharing my snack with them, so whoever tags me gets a small piece of it. I haven't done this in a while; usually, I just sit on the floor and wait for them to come near me to give them a snack. After playing tag with my dogs and feeling a bit tired, I decided to revisit the photos I took during our photowalk and also the photo my cousin took of me. I selected some photos and decided to print them so I can put them in my album. I enjoy collecting memories, and I realized that watching the photos get printed and putting them in my album is therapeutic.

I also had some time today to practice sketching the painting I plan to give to my friend. However, I got frustrated because I couldn't achieve the output I had in mind. Then, the pressure started to build up - pressure to create a good painting for my friend. I stopped doing it, and that's when I realized something. Maybe this is why I stopped doing things I used to love before, like reading books, photography, writing, and painting. These activities used to help me relax and forget about work, but now they feel burdened by the pressure I put on myself to meet my own standards and goals. I feel pressured to finish a book each month, pressure to have a perfect story in my photography, pressure to find the perfect words in my writing, and pressure to create a flawless painting according to my own standard. I wonder if this is a part of my Obsessive-Compulsive tendencies, but I'm not sure. One thing is clear, though - I need to overcome this pressure so I can find joy and relaxation in these activities once again, just like I did today.

I don't want to be under pressure, and I don't want to spoil the perfect weekend I'm having, so I decided to stop sketching for now. Instead, I took a breather and chose to read another book that many people have recommended to me. However, this time, I won't force myself to finish it within a month, considering the workload I have on weekdays. I should learn to simply enjoy things without putting too much emphasis on my own goals and standards.

For the first time in a while, I had a different kind of Saturday, not the usual one where I work, sleep, and watch TikTok videos. Today, I can say that I had a productive day, not necessarily at work, but in doing activities that help me relax. What I did today was truly therapeutic. Although I still tend to do things alone and need to work on socializing more, I feel happy and contented. This is because, for the first time in a while, I feel relaxed, and my mind had a break from the pressures of work and life. Though these pressures still pop up at times, I try to push them back and focus on enjoying the activities I did today.

Positive Talk:

- At times, you may lose interest in things you love to do due to putting pressure on yourself. Relax!

- Engage more in activities that bring you happiness and relaxation.

- Taking a rest and break from work can also be productive.

- Try to relax and simply enjoy the things you do.

- Avoid overthinking.

- Simple things can be therapeutic and bring happiness.

[va-diarydash]

A Gloomy Atmosphere

July 28, 2023

Waking up again today with low energy that affects my motivation to work, I tried staying a bit longer in my bed and pondering... Is it because of the weather? Does the gloomy weather affect my mood today? I tried to understand why I am having low energy and being unmotivated at work again when I have been doing better these past few days. Then I realized, I am actually happy today, but my head hurts and my throat is starting to hurt too. So it is not about my mood or my emotions; it is because I am not physically okay. I am sick!

Physical health is important too, and we tend to overlook it unless we feel something wrong with our bodies. We forget to listen to our bodies, especially when we are busy and occupied with our work. For someone like me, who is on a journey of self-discovery, it can also affect my mental health.

Despite being sick, I decided to go to work. Surprisingly, I managed to work and function fairly well despite the headache. However, I had to log out earlier than my usual schedule to take a nap and rest my head. The workplace was still filled with a lot of pressure, with new projects kicking off while old ones were still ongoing. This time, I made an effort to be open with my co-managers, expressing how the increasing workload was affecting me. Although they couldn't directly help with the workload due to their own busyness, their encouraging words provided significant support. I also found that expressing my feelings aloud brought some relief and a sense of peace.

When it comes to socializing in groups, I've learned not to feel pressured to give advice when someone opens up about their problems. Sometimes, just listening attentively is enough for them, and it's better to speak up when we are confident in what we want to say. This approach has helped me feel more relaxed during group conversations, even when others share their problems.

I've also come to realize that my discomfort with group activities doesn't stem from a lack of desire to socialize with others, but rather from my fear of potential embarrassment or awkward situations that might draw attention to me. Overcoming this fear is something I still need to work on. Initiating small talk remains a challenge, especially with people I'm not close to, and socializing with others still feels like a struggle. Nevertheless, I'm content with my progress because bit by bit, I am uncovering the reasons behind these difficulties, and I am gradually understanding the root causes of my discomfort in social situations.

Positive Talk:

- Physical health is as important as mental health.

- Learn to pause and understand the cause of your emotions.

- You don't always need to give advice; sometimes, listening is enough.

- Don't put pressure on yourself during a conversation."

[va-diarydash]

Literal Storms and Workstorm

July 27, 2023

Once again, my sleep was interrupted, but not without reason; it was because of the typhoon. I woke up in the middle of the night, startled by the loud sound of raindrops cascading onto our rooftop and the fierce gusts of wind sweeping through the entire area. Fortunately, I can now easily drift back to slumber, unlike before.

When morning arrived, I had to change my plans. I had to cancel my schedule of going to the office to get my laptop fixed due to the non-stop rain. Instead of preparing to go to the office, I took some extra time to lie down on my bed and engage in a pep talk with myself. I reminded myself that it was another morning with new battles to face and another day of challenges at work. I call it "hyping myself up," and it helps me to be mentally and physically prepared for the entire day.

Just as my plan to go to the office was canceled, the amount of work I had to deal with today was unexpected. It came like a typhoon, with a non-stop deluge of tasks to do and concerns to address. As a result, I was challenged to communicate more and make more independent decisions for the projects I am handling. I attempted to tackle everything on my own and trust my own judgment. However, it proved to be quite difficult!

There were always these nagging thoughts at the back of my mind: "What if my co-manager's decision is better than mine?", "What if their ideas yield better results?", "What if we fail because of my decisions?" Despite these doubts, I am still persevering, trying my best to ignore these thoughts and place trust in my own decision-making abilities.

Given the situation today, there are questions that keep popping up in my mind:

How can I be more confident in my own decisions?

How do I handle the feeling of guilt when our team faces failure?

How can I stop blaming myself for things that go wrong?

How do I avoid overthinking about past events?

How do I initiate small talk effectively?

How can I prevent awkwardness when discussing personal matters rather than work-related topics?

How can I become more observant in addressing other people's feelings and emotions?

I may not be able to answer these questions today, but I trust that in this journey, I will discover the answers as I get to know myself better.

Positive Talks:

- Don't stress yourself.

- If it's out of your control, then stop worrying about it too much.

- Stress is a daily part of life; learn how to handle it.

- Take time to know yourself and discover answers to your questions.

- Stay calm even when there is a storm.

[va-diarydash]

Discovering a Glimmer of Motivation

July 26, 2023

What a positive way to start my journal! Today, once again, I woke up with more energy, even though I wasn't able to follow my sleep schedule last night. Moreover, I've been feeling motivated at work recently. And that's not all—I also find myself experiencing a wider range of emotions today.

What's the difference between today and my previous gloomy days?

I accomplished more work today, and I felt happy about it.

I was able to help one of our previous officemates who is in need financially due to his medical condition. I initiated a fundraising effort by sending and email within our team with his GCash account. I feel proud about it; usually, I wouldn't connect with my previous colleagues, especially if we are not close.

I encountered the "How are you?" question again, and this time, I did not lie when asked if I was good. Instead, I answered it genuinely, saying, "I think I'm happier today than on previous days."

I started reading books again!

What do I think I need to improve and discover about myself?

I still need to find more motivation because there is still some work on my to-do list that I don’t want to work on.

I am still feeling nervous before a call. Breathing exercises help a bit, but I still need to work on my confidence and push back the thought that I might embarrass myself.

There is still a feeling that I am not doing well whenever I am trying to slow down or take a break. I also feel guilty if I am not working at the same pace as before.

What do I think helps and is working in my journey?

Management Plan - This sets as a reminder when to have a break and when to stop the work.

Expressing my self - It is still a challenge but it gives me peace.

Doing this journal - It helps me internalize and gives me time to understand myself, my thoughts and my emotions.

Positive Talk:

- Be thankful at every simple things, you are blessed.

- There were people going through much worst struggles than you and yet they handle it.

- Keep on trying till you make it.

- Find the best ways that can help you

- It is a never ending journey but you can do it.

[va-diarydash]

Slowly Getting There

July 25, 2023

I started my day feeling great! Though I woke up still feeling demotivated at work, I had more energy compared to my previous days. I also noticed that I had a longer and uninterrupted sleep. Additionally, today, I was able to make progress on some of my work, not just because it was due, but because I worked on it with genuine interest.

Though, I still have some untouched tasks that I can’t start working on because I still can’t find the momentum and motivation to begin, even though their due dates are coming near, which makes me worried. Despite the little progress I mentioned above, I can still say that my day went well, and I know I’m slowly getting there.

Aside from that, I also appreciated my friends today. I tried opening up to them, telling them that I reached out to a professional because I am not feeling mentally okay these days. I appreciate their response; they are very supportive and assured me that they understand. Moreover, they are making sure that I am leaving work on-time until we are not yet in our busy season.

I am still in the process of overcoming my fears, thoughts, and emotions. It is a journey of self-discovery, and I hope this management plan I am following will help me. I can already see that it is making a positive impact because today, I woke up happier than before.

Positive Talk:

- Everyday is a chance and an opportunity to be happy.

- You are slowly getting there

- Small progress is still a progress

- You have your support systems through your friends.

[va-diarydash]

Reflecting on My Day: A Summary

July 24, 2023

On the first day of undergoing the management plan, I find myself asking the question, "How was my day?" It's my first day of trying to be better and doing things to achieve mental stability.

So... how was it? For me, it is still the same. I still have this feeling of being unmotivated. I’m not sure if it is because of the workload that we have right now. It is not as intense as before, so I am procrastinating? But if I am going to check my to-do list, I actually have a lot of things to do that I don’t even want to start doing. I think I still need to internalize and try to identify what is causing this as part of my management plan to know myself better.

In terms of socializing, I guess I am improving, though I had to cancel going to one of the events. It's not because I don’t want to socialize, but rather because the location is too far and it is raining. Additionally, I had tons of work to finish, so I had to make a decision: either finish the work and go to the event late, or don’t finish the work, go on time, and then cram on the next day.

But how did I say that I improved? Usually, in a situation like this, I would lie and provide a better excuse to avoid being forced and convinced to go. However, today is different. I told my friends the real reason, and as expected, they tried to force and convince me to come along. The old me would have either forced myself to go or said no, but then felt guilty afterward. Surprisingly, today was different. I was able to say no without feeling guilty, knowing that my reason was valid.

Though I’m a bit sad because I really wanted to go, they are the few people with whom I’m comfortable being with. But for the first time in a while, I chose what is good for me, both physically and mentally. I chose what is better for my well-being.

So... How was my day? In terms of work, I am still finding ways to get that motivation back. But on the other hand, I could say that I already see some changes in other aspects of my life. Being self-aware and listening to my body's needs could really help me. This gives me hope that I will get better, and I believe that I will gradually get there.

Positive Talk:

- It is okay to say no especially when your reason is valid.

- Learn to listen on your body’s needs

- Small progress is still a progress

- You will be better just hang in there

- Trust the process

[va-diarydash]

My Path to Self-Improvement

July 23, 2023

For the first time in a while, I did something for myself, and it feels great.

It all started when people were asking me, "How are you?" - a simple question that is hard to answer for me. I tried to understand myself, why I couldn't answer that question. For real, how am I? I'm not that sad, but not that happy either. I could say I'm contented with what I have right now, but why is there an emptiness?

It started confusing me; I can’t tell what’s going on with me. I can’t understand what emotions I am feeling and what’s going on inside me. I started to feel like I don’t know myself anymore. What makes it worse is I have become self-aware that I’m more socially awkward than before, and I noticed that I have started losing my motivation with my work. This triggered me to seek professional help.

And for the first time in a while, I feel that I am choosing myself over my work or other people. I could tell that it is fulfilling; I feel brave and am proud of myself. It is not an easy decision to discover myself, to understand my emotions, and mostly to face what is wrong with me mentally. I’m nervous and afraid to know the result, but as per Doc. Margie, you need to know your enemy to defeat it.

The result? I was diagnosed with the following:

Avoidant - I kind of expected this one.

Dependent - this one shocked me, I always known for being a strong and independent woman, well I guess not. It’s my misconception with myself and maybe people’s misconception to me because I never voice out what I feel.

Passive - totally agree with this.

Obsessive and Compulsive - my friends has been pointing this out to me.

Schizotypal and paranoid personality - wow! I just heard and understand what is this and I want to be better.

Truly, these findings were concerning. But I am thankful that I am getting professional help now, and I have a management plan to follow to become a better version of myself.

I’m looking forward to the day when I can answer the “how are you?” question with a genuine “I am genuinely happy” response. I know within myself that being in that state is still blurry at the moment, but step by step, I believe I can make it. Time will come when I will be mentally stable again, not socially awkward, and have more confidence in myself.

I will focus more on myself and being a better version of myself.

Positive Talk:

- Be brave, you need to know your enemy to defeat it.

- Self awareness is important.

- Choose yourself once in a while, slow-down, and take a break.

- Focus on being a better version of yourself;it is more important than achievements.

- Step by step you will move forward.

[va-diarydash]

For the first time in a while…

For the first time in a while,

I embrace a moment just for me,

A journey into self-discovery,

A break from life's restless pile.

In the busyness of days gone by,

Neglected were my own desires,

Lost in others' needs and fires,

But now, I choose to live my life.

- VHS