there's a soft feeling snaking up my wrist, before it intertwines with my fingers and our hands become one, interlaced, together
I can feel your hot breathing against my ear and even the soft movements of your chest, up and down, in a calm rhythm, like you're taking your time with breathing and savouring each inhale because you know that the exhales will tickle me, and perhaps that is what you savour more
the moment before letting go, when that air will hit my skin and made my body shiver
there's an anticipation before letting go, there's an understanding smile that does not reach your eyes, there's the knowledge that as you let go, I will let go as well in a shaky exhale
I open my eyes and I can't see anything, just feel the weight and form pressing me down, elegant, delicate, frail, but impossibly so, it's all so heavy it won't let me move
when the darkness falls upon me, it weighs down, it crushes something as animalistic in me, it makes me sink and outstretches a hand that pulls me deeper, and deeper
and deeper it gets, as deeper as it gets, a salvation that tastes more like hopelessness, a salvation that makes me walk in circles and riddles me this and that, it's all dark and I know it but I can only understand it through touch
I know it's there, but I can't see, so I'm forced to understand it, but I can only understand it through touch, however I can't touch it
or rather, I can, but it doesn't have a form, like a liquid — it's tar, it's black ink, it's thick oil running through my fingers
you escape again and again, there's no satisfaction in winning over you, every victory is just a fuel to hunger that makes it all sink deeper, lower, takes me down with you
my hands are all stained with such tar that does not mix with my fingers, appearing white after its rain like my skin is afraid of it
when darkness falls upon me, when darkness invites me to fall with it, when darkness consumes me whole, I don't mind what is within it, as long as it saves me and forgives me
mutual, unequivocal, all-consuming
it's impossible for it to be apathy at this point, so let it be all of it until satisfaction consumes us whole, passion and wrath will build up and spill the same from our tongues
tears will fall and our throats will be constricted the same, our bodies will tremble the same, our heart will race the same and our stomach will flutter the same
we will cling to each other the same, mess up our clothes as we can't see each other, pull hair and brush lips together, crush each others' hand in a painful grip, and sorrow will bloom in our chest similarly when faced with doubt
for different reasons, in different occasions, it will all be the same
you can't make out shapes in the dark
the awful feeling of falling in love and the delightful feeling of succumbing to hatred, you can't make out differences in the dark
if anything, one only fuels the other, if anything, they are the same thing
I hate the way you make me feel, I love you
I love the way you make me feel, I hate you
maybe you were right that only love will never solve anything, so you were wrong that only love will never solve anything
hatred is just another form of love, retroactively devouring itself into more love
when love blooms you can't stop thinking about it
when hatred sprouts you can't stop thinking about it
these are things that only happens one because of the other, the destiny of it
falling into your arms would just be falling into a deeper darkness
until thoughts blur together in this perfect black, intense as love
until senses blur together in this immaculate white, pure as hatred
twist, confuse, overcome, devour, catch, lead, own everything that I am with everything that you are
warp, inhale, hold, demand, break, take, own everything that you are with everything that I am
and we will still be separate, and the value that we shed will be the proof of these unchanging, muddied feelings, a mess splayed across a canvas in gray-scale
because I love-hate you so,
