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SENTENCE STARTERS | SHIT MY 100 YEAR OLD GREAT GRANDPA HAS SAID

for context : my great-grandfather turned 100 a couple of weeks ago , and he’s very happy about reaching triple figures ! since he’s so modern and knows what tumblr is , he wanted me to make a collection of his most quotable moments ! most of these were said whilst watching tv shows like masterchef or project runway ( esp. project runway, he used to be a tailor ! ) or playing ps3 games ( one of his new fave pastimes ) 

❝ You like mixing knits? So do the people at the retirement home up the road. ❞ ❝ Roses are red, violets are blue, it’s not blood orange, it’s red, fuck you! ❞ ❝ Darling, you can write a porno if you want to, as long as it’s better than Fifty Shades. ❞ ❝ If you can’t be a professional, at least you can try to dress like one. ❞ ❝ Since getting older, I’ve adopted a new “fuck you I’m fabulous” attitude. ❞ ❝ A glass of red wine a day keeps the grim reaper away! ❞ ❝ Oh my gosh! Did you shit on the food, or is that your idea of a sauce? ❞ ❝ That outfit looks fabulous, if you want to look like your waist fell. ❞ ❝ I’m very satisfied mustard has come back into fashion in 2018. Good choice world! ❞   ❝ If I was many years younger, I’d romance you. ❞ ❝ People think I’m insulted when they call me Sir, but I’m flattered. I never got knighted! ❞ ❝ Nobody has worn something that hideous since 1918. I should know, that’s when I was born. ❞ ❝ There are so many beautiful things in this world to get insurance on. ❞ ❝ When it comes to work, I’m a bit of a control freak…but who isn’t? ❞ ❝ What’s a man gotta do to get a glass of wine around here!? ❞ ❝ I’m this old and I can still take myself to the toilet. Life success! ❞ ❝ ____ is panflexible and nobody can tell me otherwise. ❞ ( ** HE MEANT PANSEXUAL LMAO ) ❝ I’m so cool, I use text speak. LOL: lights on loser. FML: find my leggings.❞ ❝ …There is only so much tackiness one human body can endure. ❞ ❝ I’m all for full body prints, but not when they make you look like you escaped the zoo. ❞ ❝ I saw a curvy model in the street the other day and now I wish I was 80 years younger. ❞   ❝ What’s with this cutout trend? Were you hungry and just ate your clothes? ❞ ❝ I survived a world war, yet I can never survive the grocery store. ❞ ❝ Chartreuse is a crime against fashion. If you ever wear it, I’ll pray for your descendants. ❞ ❝ There’s a reason nobody wears shoulder pads anymore. Just saying. ❞ ❝ Are you wearing silk chiffon? HELLO 2005!!!! ❞ ❝ If I want to eat a full tub of ice cream, I’ll eat a full tub of ice cream. Don’t judge me. ❞ ❝ An advantage of getting older: I can walk outside in pyjamas and not get judged. ❞ ❝ Wow. Blindness. What a plot twist that was. ❞ ❝ Why is it a thing that all mages just have to be sexy!? ❞ ❝ When it comes to weaponry, too big is never a bad thing. ❞ ❝ Everyone seems to be dropping like flies…It’s a little bit mad. ❞ ❝ I maxed out my two-handed weaponry skill. I am a man to be feared! ❞   ❝ You have about as much emotion as a tree trunk. In fact, that’s an insult to the tree trunk. ❞ ❝ “Let’s play with magic we don’t understand, it’ll make us incredibly powerful!” Dumbo! ❞ ❝ Oh look, it’s the president of Dorktopolis, capital of the Nerd Empire! ❞ ❝ In the wise words of my late father: “Fuck you, I was here first!” ❞ ❝ Don’t you have something better to do than trying to destroy the world? Take up baking, or knitting. Maybe poetry? ❞ ❝ Leather is the unsung hero of fashion. If I could live in leather, I would. ❞ ❝ Frozen pizza is the greatest invention our great planet has ever produced. ❞ ❝ Quinoa looks like tiny little bird poops. I’d rather eat my own shoe than eat that. ❞ ❝ Does my butt look big in this? ❞ ❝ HOW HAVE YOU ESCAPED MY CLUTCHES!? ❞ ❝ Of course I believe in evolution. How else would Bulbasaur become Venusaur!? DUH! ❞ ❝ What do you call someone who can’t move very fast? You! Hah! ❞ ❝ I just killed a dragon…I’M A FUCKING GOD AMONG MEN! ❞ ❝ Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I sold your weapon, so don’t kill me baby! ❞ ❝ There is no problem that cannot be overcome by force. ❞ ❝ Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training. I should know! ❞ ❝ You can overcome any adversary simply by having a tragic backstory. ❞ ❝ I let Beyonce dictate my life. If she would do something, then damn, I’m gonna do it too. ❞ ❝ Oh. My. God. It’s a motherfucking walk off. ❞ ❝ I would hang out with you Janice, but unfortunately, I’m a father. Duty calls. ❞ ❝ You know who doesn’t like me? People who suck. That’s right. ❞

[vagarious-imp]

marxwandersaround​:

-He giggles at the stranger’s remark. To think of himself as slow was such a silly yet funny thought. As the bigger jester floats/chases him, Marx rolled backwards in a jovial fashion for a little ways. He was unsure if he needed to go faster or not, granted he could go very fast if he simply flew, but where would the fun would that be? He could fly away at a funnier and more opportune time.-

“Me? Slow? Wonder what gave you that idea? What about yourself stranger? You’re pretty floaty and not moving as fast I thought a person with legs would be able to! Hehehe. Oh well, hope your arms work! Catch!”

-As the other jester got closer, Marx kicks the ball he was on at the stranger. Running away with a giggle, though he’s slower just on his feet, he’s not too concerned about that. The reason being is the ball that pops like a confetti filled water balloon, whether it’s caught or not.-

Before he could get in a retort of any sort, the littler funny-man had kicked that ball his way. Curious and unwitting, Jevil proved that his arms did, indeed, work very well! He came to a momentary halt when he caught the ball.

When it suddenly and seemingly without cause popped in his hands, he Darkener gave a startled yelp--and then a yelp of laughter as, now distracted from the game of tag, he twirled about in the resulting explosion of confetti. It was like a small snowstorm! But better! What a nice trick!

Perhaps he should play one of his own?

Although it wasn't entirely falsified, since all that twirling had made him a bit dizzy, Jevil keeled over. And purposely didn't get back up again. "Oh nooo!" He called, thrusting up a hand and waggling it about. "I have fallen, fallen! I cannot see, see! I think some confetti got into my eyes!"

He was... Not gonna be winning any acting awards any time soon, certainly.

[vagarious-imp]

marxwandersaround​:…

-Seeing the rather sad attempt of the other jester moving away Marx slowly blinks. One, two, three…nope still not running. With a mental shrug Marx bounces on his ball a couple times before literally kicking into speed. Rolling himself pretty quickly up to the stranger, tapping the other’s leg with his foot, before simply rolling under him and away. Gleefully cackling as he somehow manages to roll himself a little faster. He gains a fair distance before rolling backwards to taunt the other jester.-

“You’re it! You’re it! You are it~!”

Among the many things that Jevil did not expect, the speed with which his fellow jester moved was among them. Thusly tagged before he could even register the shattering of his expectations, he uttered a noise of surprise, then bent over to watch the li’l rolly-polly roll along on his merry way away. Well... Watching him had been the plan. His cape kind’a got in the way of that, though. 

He straightened back up and turned about in nearly the same dizzying motion, another one of those manic cackles tearing out of him. “Wonderful, wonderful! And here I thought you were going to be slow!” With that, the impish fellow sprinted forth in pursuit, each step as floaty as the ones previously. Like he operated on some sort’a moon gravity, despite not being on, well, the moon. 

[littleguymart]

(source)

[vagarious-imp]

marxwandersaround​:

-Blinking the smaller jester looked up at the stranger after getting ‘tagged’. He didn’t really try to move out of the way or roll back, rather he just sat there as he unwittingly starts a game. Being bopped on the head wasn’t something Marx was expecting, though the surprise game was welcome. Giggling he bounces on the ball and gives the stranger some time to run away.-

“Better start running then if I’m it!”

Answering the giggle with a cackle of his own, Jevil hopped back several floaty steps, but he didn't really take off runnin'. He was operating under the assumption that a strange, befooted head on a ball couldn't be that fast, so he had in mind to tease the peculiar fellow a little--maybe he'd make the little guy run in circles or something? Decisions, decisions...

[vagarious-imp]

[vagarious-imp]

marxwandersaround​:

-It was a nice day to watch a storm. Though he didn’t expect another to think the same. The unexpected viewer gave the smaller jester a peculiar look. If Marx were a normal person this look from a stranger would be worrisome, however he was not. And so he sits on his ball and stares before giving a smile of his own.-

A stare for a stare. A face for a face. A hat-wearing ball-lookin’-guy-with-feet on a ball--you certainly don’t see that every day.

Jevil gave his head an exaggerated tilt to the left, squinted his eyes as if thinking about something really hard, and then he sprung into action. That is, he darted forward, having lost interest in the peculiar view of the brewing storm in lieu of trying to bap the ball-riding fellow as he simultaneously decreed, “Tag, tag! You’re it!”

[vagarious-imp]

Somewhere, a butterfly is beating its wings and causing a hurricane.

Here, however, a funny-looking little imp is staring at someone and... Well, the look--

--he’s giving that someone probably means whatever peace and quiet they might have been experiencing will soon be gone with the proverbial wind.

But, hey, at least they aren’t going to be in the middle of that hurricane?

[vagarious-imp]

What do you do when your friends fall down from a good game?

“That’s easy, easy! I give them aid!”

[vagarious-imp]

“ Were you making horse noises, horse noises? ” My Jevil

“Nay, nay!” 

There’s a very short pause. Then a cackle-- “Oh! My mistake! I guess that was me... Yes, yes!”

[vagarious-imp]

[vagarious-imp]

It was an elaborate prank. 

A tripwire tied low around a pair of stalagmites just so happened to be connected to another wire that would set in motion a couple of small marbles once triggered. Those marbles would then roll along their respective paths, setting off a set of dominoes, which would topple a house of cards set up somewhere that was, for all intents and purposes, irrelevant--but one of those marbles also happened to be on a path to knock over a pre-shaken can of soda (just in case some passer-by grabbed the soda before his trap prank could be set off; either it would explode in their face or taste disgustingly flat, which would be wholly deserved!) which would land on a see-saw, sending a bucket of glue and feathers flying several meters forwards.

If--IF--he got the trajectory right, it would land upon the head of whoever tripped the initial tripwire. Or it’d just get them full of gluey feathers as it sailed over their head. That is, if someone triggered the thing before the glue dried. At that point it kind’a became a health hazard.

... Not that it wasn’t already a health hazard. The bucket was made out of metal. Getting hit by a flying metal bucket hurts. The guy responsible would know--he’d tested things out (sans the glue and feathers, of course) several times beforehand. 

And now said fiend laid in wait to see if anyone actually would set this horrendous machination into motion. Well... Hovered in wait. Up among the stalactites, hiding and peeking out from behind one, muffling the occasional chuckle with a hand but exponentially growing tired of the wait.

[vile-things]

[phantomemes]

sentences from the youtube series  ,  buzzfeed unsolved .  primarily taken from season 5′s supernatural investigations .

“ it doesn’t matter because you’re dead ”

“ it’s not impressive  ,  no one’s impressed ”

“ the spot of your death is now a lovely gift shop ”

“ as god as my witness  ,  he snapped him in half ”

“ i seriously want you to throw something right at my face ”

“ you can live in the cave ”

“ i’m a big fan of your name ”

“ the fact that you steal  ,  that’s really funny to me ”

“ that’s the greatest thing to steal  :  a man’s joy ”

“ because i’m a masochist ”

“ i’m going to regret this ”

“ i’ve lost the ability to feel ”

“ they’re gonna fucking murder you ”

“ the way you shushed me was quite rude ”

“ cowards  ,  all of you ”

“ i’m strange and off putting ”

“ i should not feel confident in the face of any man ”

“ here you are  ,  smiling in the face of the devil ”

“ i hate bats ”

“ bats sometimes carry rabies and that’s a thing i’m afraid of ”

“ not today devil birds  ,  not today ”

“ i think i’m blacking out right now ”

“ i don’t think i’m going to remember this moment ”

“ i think i’m gonna cry ”

“ i keep forgetting there’s ghosts in here ”

“ if you know me and my debilitating fear of bears  ,  this is my worst nightmare ”

“ i’m standing on an altar alone ”

“ maybe you’ll wake up in the middle of the night and eat your cat ”

“ i’m so glad that’s over let’s go eat taco bell ”

“ were you making horse noises ? ”

“ in case any of you needed a reminder this place is a twisting nightmare ”

“ there’s a good chance i’m gonna fart in here ”

“ well this is horrifying ”

“ let’s do each other a favor and not show ourselves to each other ”

“ if you could do me a big solid and not do anything that would be sublime ”

“ this is just as horrifying as i thought it would be ”

“ you talk to hide from the silence ”

“ do i look like the kind of man who could give advice ? ”

“ several bad choices have lead me to this moment ”

“ let’s play look at the ceiling tiles !  1 , 2 , 3 , 4 … ”

“ i just wanna know if you think they have belly buttons ”

“ i did meet some of the most insufferable people but they also met me ”

“ if it sounds like a duck and walks like a duck ”

[vagarious-imp]

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[littleguymart]

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