I just wanna dance

Explorations of an internal journey.

[vagelts]

The way beliefs change

By shown the opposite and realizing what is possible.

By having “healing” experiences, and by some mysterious grace, we transform hurt to love.

Part 1: Friendship

It could be by chance that I had any realization in life. And in a moment like any other I had the realization that my biggest issue in life is connection with other people. I have spent most of my youth alone feeling isolated, discarded, and I had sparse real communication with people. Some hang outs, some adventures or any other style of situation with friends and with people out there. From inside, always looking out. Having a hard time connecting that way.

Then I tried to connect with myself as I probably intuitively understood that my inner world is a mirror to the outside. I did everything I could, I tried everything that I felt working for me, for years. And then I stop trying. I found “Wu-wei”, the art of trying without trying, and that took me a long long time to grasp it, to comprehend its nature which essentially and simply put, is living according to the flow of life. Sometimes I find it, sometimes I lose it. But I know it’s there. And that is what matters.

We do art, we make money, we study, we care about people, we work on our goals and for what? All as so to be able to connect. What is the answer to someone that finds it hard to connect with others, when all he sees around is connection everywhere?

I feel in tune with nature and with every moment. Each moment, I notice that everywhere I look, I see total beauty. I get calm, joyful and without over-analyzing or having any negativity in mind. In my body I feel healthy and with a good level of fitness. My inner world is serene most of the time, and if a day of discomfort comes, it could be a hard day, but it doesn’t affect me to my core all that much. The next day my mental state naturally comes back to a certain equilibrium, back to normal.

I worked a lot to be able to be happy in these areas of life, the inner life. But I always did it alone. I always feel I didn’t have the opportunity to work with other people, or just to feel the safety of being close to someone that I know I can trust. I trusted because I had to. I always knew it would end at some point.

I dreamed of real connections with other people. Not only to feel accepted but also, as it seems hard for me, to feel I belong there. To be part of the tribe, a team full of love and friendships everywhere. A high standard I put upon myself, but I haven’t chosen to feel that way. My inclinations steer my mind and my desires are my teachers. So being alone taught me many things about myself, but it couldn’t teach me “companionship”. Without this kind of connection I will always feel incomplete.

Being in nature is nice, overcoming difficulties is satisfying, but doing it all with my friends is true healing for me. From my limited human point of view, by grace we connected, and I’m as grateful I could be.

Part 2: Romance

Sometimes I feel a certain injustice. Something that poisons my heart. I know my love is pure and I get rejected for it. I gave value to the wrong people. I wanted to have romance in my life. I still do.

When I was younger, because of the shame I had about my desires, I think because I didn’t develop with the proper confidence and trust in myself. Not being able to empower myself with masculine energy, and girls probably feel this lack subconsciously. Even if I still have no clue what women want, back then was ever worse. Also I believe a factor for my so called failures, was the way other member of my family have not been able to see me and give the proper boost of confidence in myself. Or the lack of encouragement from the people closer to me. This is the imbalance I need to deal with, but right now, I don’t know how.

I feel I never had a “real” girlfriend, and that fills me with shame.

As a man you’re supposed to have girlfriends. Everybody is talking about it. All the time in the mind of everyone, to indulge in the senses. To have sex became the ultimate goal in life. Then talk about it. Like a lot. Then find other ways with your “partner” to indulge into other senses. Eat a lot. Drink a lot. Have some kids. Everybody loves kids. You might get separated, you might not, who knows. But you lived passionately! You indulged. You identified with your feelings, your opinions, your personality! I affect people around me, I matter. I became Ego.

What does it matter anyway… I want to have romance in my life. I’m trying now to make my own path and I still miss love in my life. I search for the truth. I say it. Each time I do, I gain something. Mostly in life, as in truth, I need to face whatever comes, with courage. Tell the truth, the real one. Love is in the act of it.

[vagelts]

Καταστάσεις κι αυταπάτες

Ζουμε σε μια κοινωνια που τροφοδοτει το σωμα μας αλλα και τον ψυχισμό μας. Μας δινει τις επιρροες της αδιακοπα και αυτοματοποιημένα, χωρίς σκέψη και χωρίς δισταγμό.

Είμαστε οργανα που εκτελουμε την περαιτερω συνεχιση του ειδους μας, ένα είδος που περιλαμβάνει τον ψυχισμό, την κουλτούρα και το επίπεδο της συνειδητότητάς του. Αν βρεθούμε σε μια άλλη διαφορετική κουλτούρα με διαφορετικούς ρυθμούς, με διαφορετική καθημερινότητα, τι θα είναι αυτό που θα μας κρατά στην προηγούμενη κατάσταση, στην προηγούμενη ζωή;

Οι εξωτερικοί παράγοντες της ζωης όπως και να έχει, μας επηρεάζουν. Ακόμη κι αν έχουμε ένα υψηλότερο πνευματικό επίπεδο από τον περίγυρό μας, οι χαμηλοτερες εξωτερικές επιρροες θα βρουν κάποιο αντίκτυπο πάνω μας. Ή ακόμη κι αν κάπως μπορέσουμε να αντισταθούμε από τις χαμηλές συχνότητες, από την άλλη, δεν θα έχουμε βοηθηθεί και θα έχουμε χάσει την ευκαιρία για την εξέλιξη της πνευματικότητας μας, έχοντας αναλωσει τον εαυτό μας και την ενέργειά μας στην προσπάθεια να μείνουμε ακέραιοι. 

Έτσι κάθε άνθρωπος μπορεί να ζει πολλές ζωές, αρκει να έχει το θάρρος να αλλάζει. Το θάρρος να αμφισβητεί την πραγματικότητα της καθημερινότητάς του και κατα κύριο λόγο, την πραγματικότητα του εαυτού του. Είναι οι σκέψεις μας είναι πραγματικά δικές μας; Τα συναισθήματά μας από που προέρχονται; Περιοριζόμαστε στα όρια του σώματός μας;

Όποια ερώτηση έχει την δυνατότητα να προκαλέσει την αμφισβήτηση του εαυτου θα μας δώσει κάποια στιγμή μια απαντηση που μπορεί να μην αρέσει σε ένα κομμάτι των ανθρώπινων ενστίκτων, που όμως πως ξέρουμε ότι κι αυτά να είναι σωστά; Ποιά είναι η αλήθεια και γιατί η αλήθεια να κρατα μια τόσο σημαντική θέση στις αρετές που δίνουν αξια στη ζωή μας; 

Οταν δουμε την αλήθεια για το ποιοι είμαστε, αν μπορέσουμε κάποτε να καταφέρουμε να φτάσουμε κοντα σ’αυτήν, τότε θα δουμε το πραγματικό μας πρόσωπο, χωρίς να είναι πρόσωπο. Να καταλάβουμε ότι είμαστε πέρα ως πέρα, κάτι ανώτερο απ’ αυτό που νομίζαμε εξ’ αρχής. Και πέρα από αυτήν την έκφραση τις μορφής που έχουμε πάρει, είμαστε αυτό που βλέπει την έκφραση της οντότητας μας. Μας βλέπει να διαμορφώνόμαστε, να αλλάζουμε, και να παρατηρεί τον ίδιο του τον εαυτό, να κοιτά πάλι πίσω, προς τα έξω και προς τα μέσα.

Με το πρώτο βήμα το γιατί, με το τελευταίο την συνειδητοποίηση της αληθειας, ένα-ένα τα κομμάτια της μεγάλης μας αυταπάτης καταρρίπτονται.

[vagelts]

Το μυαλο και η ανάλυση.

Κάθε άνθρωπος που αναζητά συνειδητά την εξέλιξη, αναζητά να φτάσει το στάδιο που χρειάζεται ώστε να μπορέσει να ξεπεράσει τον κόσμο που ζει. Θέλει να αναλύσει τα γεγονότα, να μεταφράσει τις εμπειρίες του σε λέξεις και να τις επεξεργαστεί μέσα του. 

Εάν βρίσκεται μόνιμα μέσα στην πολλή “συνάφεια” του κόσμου, κυνηγώντας μόνον την καλοπέραση, τα “αστεία” και τα “τραγικά”, αν καταπιανεται με το κάθε τι ευτελές και παροδικό που τυγχανει να ακούει γύρο του, τότε χάνει τον εαυτό του και την αυθεντικότητα του, που μενει ανεξερεύνητη. Αφουγκραζόμενος των εξωτερικών παραγόντων, οι αντιδράσεις του θα είναι αυτοματοποιημένες, βάση της εμφυτης αναγκης του ανθρωπου για κοινωνικότητα, αποδοχή και συντροφικότητα, η ζωή του ενός, διαχέεται και ομογενοποιείται με το κοινωνικό σύνολο. Η ζωή δεν είναι πλέον δική του αλλά του κοινωνικού υποσυνείδητου που δρα, όπως κι αυτός, αυτόματα.

Όμως τα συναισθήματα μέσα του, του λένε πάντα την αλήθεια, ακόμη κι αν κάποιος δεν επιλέγει να τα ακούει. Αν ακούσει την έμφυτη ανάγκη του που του ζητάει να βρει την ισορροπία μεταξύ του κοινωνικού συνόλου και της προσωπικής ιδιοσυγκρασίας, θα μπορεί να σέβεται τον εαυτό του, να μην τον εξευτελίζει. Να έχει μία ευκαιρία για μια ζωή που θέλει, γεμάτη αρμονία και με λιγότερο τον φόβο της μη αποδοχής. Αν μπορεί να περναει καλά, έτσι κι αλλιώς, χωρίς παρατάξεις, χωρίς γνώμες, χωρίς απόλυτες αποφάσεις, αλλά με δέος και βαθιά ικανοποίηση, γιατί έκανε ότι μπορούσε.

[vagelts]

Rational thinking

When we allow the rational mind to analyze too much, to let it think in our behalf, then fear creeps in. And if fear is based in our preconditions, our habitual patterns, our old ways of thinking and is not based in reality, then this fear is unreal. How can someone know reality when his mind is not real? Myriad of evils in the world stem from this rational mind. The rational mind can be very dangerous, and thus the most irrational way of being. To be totally rational it needs a clean and empty person. An absent person. Just our presence in joyous existence... Something to burn the past and to stop the constant worrying of the automatic mind. Its antithesis. The automatic healing machine. Trust. In the real self.

[vagelts]

Desire

If you don’t feel whole, you desire. When you desire what you want is to consume and you do that endlessly, running around trying to find what’s missing. When one thing ends, another one begins, and thus allowing you to want more!

When the angst of desiring is vanquished what remains is to create. When you feel as if you already have everything you ever wanted, you would be able to finally rest. You can finally be open to receiving the moment as it is.

Why the need to change, when you are perfect as you are? You can express your gratitude, you can receive all the gifts that are in store for you. From the wonderful to the mundane, from the benign to the malevolent. All existence is accepted.

What is troubling your soul that needs to be sorted out?

Where does this need for control come from?

This fervor of consuming the next thing and then desiring one more thing…

Can this possibly be that all the things that you don’t have are the ones that are alive instead of you? 

A big “why” always follows your every move. And by consequence you follow it back yourself, running around in a loop, chasing your own shadow. 

When you let go of your shadow how much light will remain? How far can you go?

Without “why” will you be there to give or to receive or both? To live as a pulse of life expressing itself through your vessel, emanating a certain kind of joy that lifts the world. 

“Wholeness” is just a word, an idea. Your consciousness was always ready and whole.

[vagelts]

The Sky

Your mind has taken you hostage… It is the emptiness that you fear. The reason why you avoid yourself is not so easily apparent. Maybe now that you’re concerned about it, you won’t have much choice but to stay there in this emptiness, long enough until you feel your vastness, which will eventually lift your words into silence… like the sky does.

[vagelts]

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.

Martin Luther King, Jr

[vagelts]

The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude.

Aldous Huxley

[vagelts]

The end point of rationality is to demonstrate the limits of rationality.

Blaise Pascal

[vagelts]

Like a boat, I search for the flow of the water beneath me, to take me to new places, to give me power and utility.

The certainty of the land and the absolute point on where I stand is also my prison, because I lack wheels. I am a boat, stuck on land and far away from my element where I’m most needed. Right here, I can try to be the best looking boat, the most impressive one, but in the end, I’ll just be another odd boat on someone’s path to make him stop for a moment and wonder about me, and to remind him of the sea. To remind him of a journey the he didn’t take. Or maybe he’ll become reminiscent of his golden years, when his fervent energy for new experiences was guiding him far away from home, towards a mystical path of adventure. 

I’ll be here though. For now. Waiting for some flood to take me away. The passage of time will be relentless on my paint and wooden body. So, when my hull gets filled with holes, then the incoming water that I so much hoped for my salvation, will make my peril permanent. By then, I won't be able to float like I used to when I was a young skiff, so strong, illustrious and pretty. I’d stay here at the bottom of this new sea but with water all around me. Do I really want to be in the water if I can’t float? At least now I can dream of wonderful days gone fishing, bringing fun to the people who’d ride on me. But to be of no use inside the element of where I was born to be, would be just torment on my soul, leading to my inevitable demise. 

The hope of water is always on my mind, but the flood seems so scary to me. Just drive me to the ocean one sunny day...

[vagelts]

Magic

Magic is so scarce in this modern world. Everything has a face value and we are left to compete for something in order to have our place in society. To fight for status, money, for the right to say that we can enjoy more things than others. To seem more likable, more able, more happy and we learn to cope with that unfortunate existence of ours.

To compete for happiness. To compete for the ability to say; we're worth something.

How else can you belong? When we haven’t been held enough by our loved ones and we haven’t been loved unconditionally, our very existence is hard work. An unquenchable thirst for approval hunts us. As we try to escape this anxiety, we become more enmeshed with our loneliness. Driven to conquer, we claim our victories and we bathe in a temporary exaltation. Only for a few moments we become content, a time between our achievements and goals, lest we left with no purpose, we might go crazy and lose ourselves in our idleness when we’re left looking deeply into the mirror of our souls.

Therefore, the sadness ensues. This loss of self is there to remind us of something magical. Our lost wisdom. Our lost divinity. Our inherent ability to perform magic. The essence that is loving us unconditionally, through all of our misbehaviors. Unless we surrender ourselves to this primordial feeling and our intuition, we have missed our opportunity to see. Consequently, to surrender to any feeling that is longing for our attention, and thus to be a step closer towards our healing.

When we are lost, we only find ourselves through magic. It is not value, the most important thing in the world. That must be art. Because as I see it, art is life. Each one of us is a creative expression of something beyond our comprehension and we’ve been bestowed with the same ability to create art, to create life. Why do anything other than creation? Creation of positive emotions, creation of relief in the world. What a marvelous privilege to look into the eyes of someone and see yourself reflected back at you... To care and open your heart for them, only to experience the fullness of your own emotions. The sweet relief of trust and safety. Now, I’m OK with you. I’m OK alone too... I have magic by my side and everywhere I go, I create. I’m a magician.

Why do I want to be seen so badly? Habits are hard to overcome. And habits are our incubator. Through them, we can be reborn again. They mold us and we can choose them as we please. Love and care. Discipline. For ourselves first of all. Then to help, becomes an expression of our being, an extension of us. Our service to someone or something that can aid us through our natural development. Let the flow of life extend from your most inner depths, and like an artist, imbue this existence with significance. Let this expression be the work of your life. Let this be your masterpiece.

Let this magic, consume you...

[vagelts]

Travel

Who are we if we don’t travel? When we’re not traveling mentally, emotionally or physically, how can we claim our expansion? What is left is bland, lukewarm. What is left is safe, but it’s stagnant.

We have the predictable fun. We have our predictable selves. Through our predictable fears, we become complacent and we say “good enough”. Satisfaction is a thing relative to our knowledge. When darkness engulfs our essence, we lose our most precious gifts. A routine can give us many things... Opportunities for a deeper understanding, stable emotions, a stable life, but these cannot last forever, as change is the only thing permanent. We need safety, but this is just a stage, a stable surface, that can provide us with the opportunity for a new jump, executed only with our fantastic, ecstatic bravery.

Let go of control so you could be able to travel. Unmoor yourself from the anchors of the past and immerse yourself into the sea of unknown, because there lies your freedom. When you’re stuck in an island with limited resources, fear begins to swell, and brings about distrust and hopeless fights. So, your options there might be more limited than you think. You have to trust change and to let go of predictable patterns of being. Leave shore for an exciting journey of knowledge and of ever expanding experiences. In that journey you might encounter hardships, setbacks, malevolence, hunger and danger, but there is nothing your infinite nature cannot handle. Let your curiosity guide you towards your bliss. Everything you do matters. Climb that mountain if you like climbing, sail that sea if you like sailing. Let your experiences transform negative into positive, fear into love and understanding. But have respect for the magnitude of each obstacle, and armor yourself with humility and discipline, as they are your friends in this journey.

Trust your emotions to be true to you, and let them lift you up towards bliss and happiness. As your mind can logically analyze situations and find solutions, your emotions work with specific processes too. Your mind is so complicated in the ways it thinks and you can say the same for how complicated your emotions are. Understand them. Learn their language. Observe them with curiosity and allow your innate abilities guide you through your wanted transformation. Travel through these feelings in places you haven't imagined yet.

A mental travel is something we’re so familiar with. So many times we have traveled with our minds through stories. They expand our minds and induce us with new valuable lessons. It is a beautiful thing to travel. To see new places, meet new people, have brand new experiences and feelings. Through openness, a new kind of understanding is waiting. Set a destination and go! Trust, and you’ll be led you to where you truly want to be. And it’s not possible to fail, because when we feel the consequences of our failure, they can be the catalyst to our development.

As with any kind of travel, a physical travel should also done with purpose. Only you can know what that is and that is what really matters. Travel to find yourself, not to escape. Leave somewhere out of hope and internal drive, not from a place of fear to stay. To leave a place, is to expand your perspective and find balance. To find true wisdom. To find a new place is to know true joy. And then leave again, knowing that you carry safely within you, everything you’ve ever encountered. It’s work. But also, it is not work cause we are made for it.

Who are we really, if not travelers?

[vagelts]

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Anaïs Nin

[vagelts]

The dip

Even if I make mistakes, I have a good heart. My heart is invincible. You can stab it, it will heal. There are many personalities within me. Everybody has them, even if they don’t know they do. Some of them are good and some of them are bad. I love them all or I try to, every day. It is a privilege to love myself, even if sometimes it’s hard. You see, I have negative thought patterns. Some parts of me are controlling each pattern and I can see them unfolding in my mind’s eye, like a movie in front of me. I have to be present and not be hypnotized by the momentum of my feelings. 

If you can experience and observe your feelings, if you can observe your body in space and if you can observe your thoughts as they rise in your mind, then, who are you really? Are you the observer or are you the experiencer? You have the choice to experience whichever perspective you want. You can dis-identify that way from your emotions, thoughts and actions. At last, you have the power to choose what you want to be. You can choose what you experience and establish positive patterns. To consciously decide your path. A path of less resistance to what is. Allow your experiences to unfold, with you as the master.

Give it time though. The many years of bad programming are at play, at all times. As you raise your awareness, the more you´ll be able to train your new self to take over. 

You have to find solutions between those warring aspects, between the conflicting personalities inside of you. To be a diplomat, a lawyer and a philosopher of sorts and act in accordance to what the situation needs. You always knew what is troubling you; now is the time to be gentle with yourself and let your inner dialogue play it out. As a facilitator of peace, find solutions that satisfy everyone. Let yourself be happy with the verdict you came up with and follow through. It’s scary to commit like that. Let the fear tell you what it needs from you. Be there for yourself. Be there for your fear. Built trust with yourself. Let the love that you’ve hidden from the world, cast the first dim light in your heart, and bravely let that light grow, slowly, gently, softly. 

Every time you have a choice, let that choice be one of bravery, of power. Take the high road. Let yourself be the light and with a big genuine smile on your face say: thank you!

The darkness is dissolved by the presence of your essence, as you’re the light that brings forth every possibility. 

[vagelts]

Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.

Marcel Proust

[vagelts]

Illusion

What if I told you that your whole life was a lie. An illusion. You are not who you say you are. You are not who you accepted as yourself to be. You may represent yourself in a way, but that does not represent everything about you. This makes you a liar. If you have fear in your life you inevitably accepted an illusion as the truth. You are not whole and yet, that is OK. No one is here to judge you except for yourself. 

The only truth in this world is happiness. The only truth is love. Fear is an illusion. Not that it doesn’t exist, the same way an illusion is something that you understand that you don’t see, it’s existence cannot be refuted. It’s a lie though, that someone has constructed. A true lie in a sense. The world is full of lies the same way our internal worlds are scattered and broken. Anything we construct out of fear is a lie. When we fear aspects of ourselves, we push them away. We invoke a separation within us, but this is not the truth of us, it is our own self-construct. 

You identify with your own lies. You believe the fear exist for a reason; For your protection. You detach yourself from the present moment because the present moment has hurt you so many times. You live for the future, thinking about the past and with fear as fuel, you identify with your construct.

The present moment is what we’ll ever have. Integration comes through the present moment. Awareness gives you the space to examine anything. A kind of separation is needed from the impetus of each moment. A dis-identification from your mind, emotions and body. To have distance from yourself and to be in the position of the observer at the same time as you are the doer and the experiencer.

If you come from a place of dis-identification and you are not your body, your mind, your emotions, then what are you? Are you the awareness of the present moment? Are you the observer that has no needs? What is your true power as a dis-identified being? May that power be, choice?! Your true free will that stems from a place of love.

Recognizing that love brings unity and fear gets you separation, deep down, what everyone wants, is unity. The problem with lies is that they destroy our free will and we act from a place of identification with our ego. The ego of our authenticity. The ego of belief. To the point where the ego gets identified as being ego-less. The ego is a construct, with its own motives and values. Can you integrate your ego?  And why we should be doing something to get happiness? You do because you want. Because your choice is your power! When you’re in charge, your free will is absolute. 

That is why awareness is the key to your happiness. Because happiness and love are the only truth that exists. Because happiness and love are here, now.

[vagelts]

A wall full of colors

Someone to talk to... I have the need to talk to someone, to connect with someone! Why? The same why can be answered with my very existence. I want to express my true being. I need! What is this drive? Why should everyone have the same needs? Doesn’t that mean we are all the same? 

Love? - my biggest need.

I don’t deserve love. I have a hole in my chest. More like a pit. I don’t know where it leads, I’ve never looked and I’m afraid to. I’m not going alone in there! 

Isolation is so painful yet I choose to hide in my cocoon. Hiding, trembling inside those walls that I build. Behind these walls, full of safety, driven by pain, I built, I amass, I construct, I produce. With the purpose of a singular goal. 

Significance! - my second need.

I am someone! Could be also, the same reason I built these walls. Because outside I am nobody. The same as everyone. Swimming in a sea of insignificance with strange creatures indeed. 

So, I need safety then - my third need.

Behind these walls I see the world and I feel safe. I sit in the dark, behind a projector screen and I see everything illuminating my beautiful wall. I could never tear it down for anyone!

Mine! Go away, you! You are not welcomed. You can’t touch my wall, there are rules over here! 

I need to watch this movie now... So many things to do, to experience, to taste and be part of. The world is full of colors!

Yes! Novelty - my fourth need

Yet, I feel so alone… I think I need to grow up, I don’t know how, and I think I’m not ready.

However, I feel that I need growth - my fifth need.

I want to know how. I’ll read more then, I’ll study and I’ll educate myself on all the important stuff. I have work to do! This will take me a long time so I’ll see you at the end of the road. I’ll get there somehow. Along the way, I also want to give my knowledge to my fellow humans...

OK, I want to contribute now - my sixth need.

That feels somewhat good! If I sacrifice a part of me, then I’m definitely a good person. All the shame might go away for a bit and I’ll be free.

So now I have my needs met! I look at my beautiful wall and I admire my work!

I’m so great and so is my wall that is keeping all my pain in!

A wall full of colors!

Such a strong wall yet such an illusion! Who built this?

- Remember your heart? “Said a voice in my head”

No way! Things are good now. I did so many things, but have I truly lived?

I’m so tired of all this work, and yet, I’ll die young…

I did it! I lived inside my wall. I lived inside the pretend. 

I wasted so much time… I didn’t know I could be happy… outside.