The way beliefs change
By shown the opposite and realizing what is possible.
By having “healing” experiences, and by some mysterious grace, we transform hurt to love.
Part 1: Friendship
It could be by chance that I had any realization in life. And in a moment like any other I had the realization that my biggest issue in life is connection with other people. I have spent most of my youth alone feeling isolated, discarded, and I had sparse real communication with people. Some hang outs, some adventures or any other style of situation with friends and with people out there. From inside, always looking out. Having a hard time connecting that way.
Then I tried to connect with myself as I probably intuitively understood that my inner world is a mirror to the outside. I did everything I could, I tried everything that I felt working for me, for years. And then I stop trying. I found “Wu-wei”, the art of trying without trying, and that took me a long long time to grasp it, to comprehend its nature which essentially and simply put, is living according to the flow of life. Sometimes I find it, sometimes I lose it. But I know it’s there. And that is what matters.
We do art, we make money, we study, we care about people, we work on our goals and for what? All as so to be able to connect. What is the answer to someone that finds it hard to connect with others, when all he sees around is connection everywhere?
I feel in tune with nature and with every moment. Each moment, I notice that everywhere I look, I see total beauty. I get calm, joyful and without over-analyzing or having any negativity in mind. In my body I feel healthy and with a good level of fitness. My inner world is serene most of the time, and if a day of discomfort comes, it could be a hard day, but it doesn’t affect me to my core all that much. The next day my mental state naturally comes back to a certain equilibrium, back to normal.
I worked a lot to be able to be happy in these areas of life, the inner life. But I always did it alone. I always feel I didn’t have the opportunity to work with other people, or just to feel the safety of being close to someone that I know I can trust. I trusted because I had to. I always knew it would end at some point.
I dreamed of real connections with other people. Not only to feel accepted but also, as it seems hard for me, to feel I belong there. To be part of the tribe, a team full of love and friendships everywhere. A high standard I put upon myself, but I haven’t chosen to feel that way. My inclinations steer my mind and my desires are my teachers. So being alone taught me many things about myself, but it couldn’t teach me “companionship”. Without this kind of connection I will always feel incomplete.
Being in nature is nice, overcoming difficulties is satisfying, but doing it all with my friends is true healing for me. From my limited human point of view, by grace we connected, and I’m as grateful I could be.
Part 2: Romance
Sometimes I feel a certain injustice. Something that poisons my heart. I know my love is pure and I get rejected for it. I gave value to the wrong people. I wanted to have romance in my life. I still do.
When I was younger, because of the shame I had about my desires, I think because I didn’t develop with the proper confidence and trust in myself. Not being able to empower myself with masculine energy, and girls probably feel this lack subconsciously. Even if I still have no clue what women want, back then was ever worse. Also I believe a factor for my so called failures, was the way other member of my family have not been able to see me and give the proper boost of confidence in myself. Or the lack of encouragement from the people closer to me. This is the imbalance I need to deal with, but right now, I don’t know how.
I feel I never had a “real” girlfriend, and that fills me with shame.
As a man you’re supposed to have girlfriends. Everybody is talking about it. All the time in the mind of everyone, to indulge in the senses. To have sex became the ultimate goal in life. Then talk about it. Like a lot. Then find other ways with your “partner” to indulge into other senses. Eat a lot. Drink a lot. Have some kids. Everybody loves kids. You might get separated, you might not, who knows. But you lived passionately! You indulged. You identified with your feelings, your opinions, your personality! I affect people around me, I matter. I became Ego.
What does it matter anyway… I want to have romance in my life. I’m trying now to make my own path and I still miss love in my life. I search for the truth. I say it. Each time I do, I gain something. Mostly in life, as in truth, I need to face whatever comes, with courage. Tell the truth, the real one. Love is in the act of it.












