Valko Petrov's Farm

I can't just be making stuffed monkeys my whole life

[babyblueeyes1864]

[valkothewolf]

simonjager​:

-

“Maybe,” Simon agreed quietly.

Simon wondered if he was suffering from a concussion. Valko was making… sense, and speaking about things that were slightly more relevant to their current situation.

Not only that, but Simon actually felt compelled to talk about things he had never brought up with anyone. Maybe it was because he hit his head, or because there was a chance they wouldn’t live to see the sunrise, or both.

“I don’t think I ever truly loved Ingrid. My first wife.” He knew he would have to clarify who his first wife was if Valko hadn’t heard about his current fiancée. “I thought I was in love, back then, but now I… realize how little I felt for her as more than a friend.”

Simon really wasn’t sure if this was helping, or making him feel worse, and yet he couldn’t seem to stop rambling. Who cares, if they were just going to be killed by pirates?

“Have you ever… been in love?”

-

Well damn. That was... a tale as old as time. Valko stifled a yawn. No one married for love in this business, though a lot of people liked to pretend. Maybe that one chick that married the pirate captor. Maybe. Then again, it was just as possible it was all a stunt to further solidify all the new pirate friendly policies. Hard to say. What came first, chicken or egg, sort of deal.

Falling over would hurt, but Valko began to wonder if it wouldn’t be more comfortable laying on the floor. Easier to sleep that way rather than sitting upright. Of course, if he fell over and hit his head, them going to sleep immediately wasn’t advisable. But who was going to stop him, the Jager-man?

“Yep,” he answered, pursing his lips. Still caught up in how to construct a safe-ish fall.

“I keep her far away from all this royal shit. Including myself.”

He paused.

“Listen, bud, there’s nothing wrong with marrying someone you don’t love. Especially in our line of work. They’re just going to get abducted or held hostage or whatever flavor of the week, you know?” he said, “Find someone royal, who already has that target on their back, someone who isn’t going to poison your tea, preferably. You’re golden. That’s as good as it’s going to get.”

Worst case scenario, get betrothed then avoid setting a date. It’s wasn’t as hard as people might think. After all, Valko had been promised to the Russians since he was like nine. They hadn’t gotten him down the aisle yet.

“So who is it that you’ve been in love with the whole time, Jager?”

[valkothewolf]

simonjager​:

-

They made us watch.

No one spoke more than a word or two of it, not to the press, not to loved ones–perhaps in the closed door meeting of the security council at the summit after the island rescue, details had been revealed. Simon’s father, who only heard of the murder secondhand, would not even speak of it. There were so many others that had lost their lives on that island, it was hard to dwell on just one.

But it was a message. Every royal was made to watch, unlike the chaos of the last night there.

Simon couldn’t bear to think about it–any of it, he’d worked too hard on controlling his thoughts around everything lost that night. The reality of living through something similar again, when he was trapped in this room with no idea where Lecia was, if she was safe.

Simon squeezed his eyes shut, his whole face pinched. “My head hurts. Everything hurts.” Simon tried to breathe like he was taught. In and then out and then in again.

“What is with you and those movies?” Simon snapped. He glared up at the other prince and after a couple more breaths his expression softened until a worried frown. “I’m–sorry, Valko.”

-

They were good movies. Obviously just another thing Jägermeister hadn’t experienced in person. Poor guy. What did he even do all day, stare at the wall? Scowl into the mirror? He was going to give himself wrinkles. There were, of course, other options of recreation for a prince stuck in a palace by himself all day, but Valko seriously doubted Austria was indulging in any of them.

He raised a single eyebrow at the apology.

“Why?”

Seriously, though. They could die in here. Did this guy really want to spend his last moments playing diplomatic monarchs? He seriously needed to chill. Had the mountain not been a sanctuary from the less tolerable leaders of the world (with a few brief interludes), Valko might have invited Simon for a visit. Free of charge. He rarely remembered to charge anyway.

“Have you ever thought... maybe... if you expressed your true feelings more, you wouldn’t be such a bitch?” he asked, genuinely curious.

They really did need to get back to the whole concussion thing. Head pain was no joke. He should really ask if Austria knew his own name or what year it was. To be fair, it was promising that he could recall Valko’s name. Especially as they were not particularly close acquaintances. At least, not before this whole closet debacle.

“Like what is something you’ve always wanted to say, about anything at all, and you’ve never said it?” he continued, “And what if you just said it? Right now. There’s no one here. I can’t record you to prove it later.”

[valkothewolf]

simonjager​:

-

Lying on his side on the hard floor was horrifically uncomfortable, and Simon had no way of righting himself or changing his position. And yet he wasn’t at a point yet where he’d start yelling for help–he wasn’t that desperate, even with Valko as company.

There were so many things Simon wished to unpack about Valko’s description of the island. On the one hand, it sounded like some kind of horrible reality show, but then it also sounded extremely dull too. Out of all of that, Simon heard himself ask: “Tokyo… Drift? Of the Fast and Furious films?”

What kind of monsters wouldn’t acquiesce to a movie request? The island was a prison, to be sure, but then it also sounded as if the royals enjoyed the same amenities, like the gym and the smoothie bar. The more Simon thought about it, the stranger it sounded. What a dreadful thing to endure.

“No,” Simon retorted immediately. Realizing he’d just established a confusing double negative, he let out an audible breath and tried to clarify without having to repeat the words get freaky with my fiancée. “My engagement was arranged, but Lecia and I lo–” Simon stopped himself. What was he even saying? Valko didn’t ask if they–loved each other, they were having a separate and more upsetting conversation. Whether or not Simon had ever told Lecia I love you was not in question.

“Lecia and I are very happy,” Simon said firmly. He also didn’t feel the need to mention Valko’s infuriating statement differentiating Lecia from other princesses was also true. There were more pressing matters at hand, anyway. “Do you think the pirates will hurt anyone?”

-

Silence filled the small space, and dragged on so long that it quite possible Valko had dozed off for a moment. It was getting kinda late. He dropped his chin, tilting his head to the side. Matching the way the other prince was facing. What a strange question - and that was coming from Valko, who didn’t often chose to judge as it was bad for the chakras according to an insta post he’d read - but strange considering their current predicament.

Not to mention everything that had happened during previous abductions. Had this guy even talked to his fiancée before? Maybe not, actually. Which would explain why he was so opposed to getting freaky. Valko could understand the need to meet someone in person and feel out the vibe first.

“They made us watch, all of us, when they murdered that girl from the Ukraine. Sword through the chest, not a great way to go. That was a warning.”

Did he think pirates would hurt anyone? Well, based on everyone’s past experience...

Maybe Austria had hit the floor harder than Valko had realized. He glanced down at the marble tiling, but didn’t see any telltale stains. No dark spots oozing near the prince’s head.

“But how about we table that conversation for a few,” he said, “I’m going to ask you a few questions okay? Are you dizzy? Does your head hurt? Have you watched any of the Fast and Furious movies?”

[valkothewolf]

simonjager​:

-

Hard frown lines appeared on Simon’s face when Valko suggested the pirates would just try to kill or sleep with them. But he somehow thought those options were worse than whatever the Russians would do them? Wasn’t he engaged to Princess Karolina? Simon didn’t want to bring that up.

“I don’t want to get freaky with anyone… and now I feel compelled to ask… when you say the pirates would try to, uhm, sleep with us, is this from, err, personal experience?”

Simon knew damn well not to bring up the island specifically, but in so many words he just had. He wouldn’t dare ask a question like that to Lecia or even Herzog, it was just that Valko had a sense of openness unlike most royals Simon knew. The prince felt a bit guilty for posing the question though, when they should have been devising a plan to escape the next time the door opened. Simon struggled again at the restraints, more forceful this time, trying to wriggle his ankles free of the rope and also move the chair closer to the door. Instead he fell over sideways and landed hard on his shoulder.

“Scheiss,” he swore, followed by a longer string of curse words.

-

He watched the other prince struggle without commenting. They weren’t going anywhere without something sharp to cut the bonds, but most people had to learn that lesson the hard way at least once. Apparently Austria hadn’t yet. Probably hadn’t ever woken up in a dingy flat in Queenstown, covered in glitter and tied to someone’s radiator. He didn’t look the type. 

Valko didn’t even flinch when the chair hit the ground.

“Damn.” That sucked. “Take a few deep breaths, my guy.”

Cursing could be a form of meditation in its own way. Plus that had to have hurt. These marble floors were no joke. Knock your head against one hard enough, and you would be down for the count. Permanently. All things considered, Valko would have been a little concerned if Simon hadn’t been cursing.

“But yeah pirate island was hook up central,” he said, when the yelling died down. “There wasn’t a whole lot else to do, and some of those pirates were thirsty. We did have a gym and a smoothie bar. The cinema was non-stop dirty movies no matter how many times I asked to watch Tokyo Drift. Oh except one time they let me watch Empire Records. The buffet was good though.”

Valko sighed. The buffet had been good, but thinking about plates of shrimp made him think about what he would pair it with. Thinking about what he would pair it with made him think of his drink. Which was now a puddle on the floor underneath a sideways prince. Better to have loved and lost and all that.

“So you don’t want to get freaky with anyone? Not even your fiancée? You got yourself tied up in one of those arranged marriages then?”

[valkothewolf]

simonjager​:

-

Looking for kings and tsars. Simon dropped his head and squeezed his eyes shut to try and think, since Valko felt the need to include way too many extraneous details and not enough pertinent information to their predicament.

Simon’s mother and father were probably in danger, then. The kidnappers were looking for higher ranked royals. For what? And were they keeping princes and princesses locked up just to keep them out of the way, or for something else?

“I was…” Simon tried to conjure up the last few moments before things went black and he woke up here. “Walking toward the entrance to meet Lecia. We were supposed to take a car to where we are staying for the night with our families. Then two people with guns came out of a side room and grabbed me. They didn’t even say anything, they just hit me in the back of the head and then I woke up here.”

Simon shot Valko a sour frown. “Even if we could reach a piece of glass, how would we cut the rope with our hands tied?” Simon tried to pull at his restraints again, struggling in place in hopes one of the ties would loosen enough for him to move. But it was no use. He sighed. He couldn’t stand being stuck here, and not just because he was with Valko. Feeling useless in this situation was not an option.

“So all we know is that people with guns are taking people hostage… And they are looking for high ranking royals… Do you think it could be pirates? Or someone else?”

-

“ - to meet Lecia.”

“Awww,” said Valko, encouragingly. He wasn’t sure why. After all his drink was gone, and it wasn’t like pretending to be invested in Simon’s romantic capers would bring it back. Maybe he was bored. Maybe there was just something nice about the hopeful vibe of young royals in love. Well, the chick was on the younger side anyway.

“Our hands are tied, but we have feet.”

If they could get their shoes off. Valko lifted his head. His gaze wandered around the room before settling on Simon’s shoes. There he seemed to daze off a bit. He was thinking. Not only about the shoe thing, but the fact that he seriously doubted someone like Simon did yoga. The guy was too uptight. Too unhappy. Which, in turn, meant they were going to have some serious leg flexibility issues if and when they got as far as retrieving the glass. So how would Simon cut the ropes? 

He exhaled loudly. Thinking was beginning to give him a headache.

“Of course it’s pirates,” he answered, “Unless it’s Russians. In which case... we’re screwed. The Russians are crazy, bro. Pirates will just kill us. Or try to sleep with us.” Valko remained slouched in his chair, making no effort to free himself from the bonds. Why waste the energy.

“And some of them are pretty fine, not gonna lie. But like... eh. I don’t personally think it’s a good idea? But feel free, I’m not going to judge you if you want to get freaky with pirates. You do you, Jagermeister.”

[valkothewolf]

simonjager​:

-

Simon’s foot absolutely itched to kick over the glass and watch Valko’s shocked face. He was being rude, but seemed to have no idea, carrying on like that. Simon took one long, practiced deep breath. No need to lose his cool.

Nice rack, then.

His resistance held on for only a few more seconds, and not even the congratulations stopped Simon knocking over the glass with one swift kick. “Oops, I thought it was further away.” His apology was hardly heartfelt. 

Valko needed to learn some manners when speaking about women, so no more drinks while they were stuck together. “Thank you. We have not set a date yet. I was going to give her a ring tonight, to make things more official. But I did not find a chance, and now she… Well, she’s probably found it by now, it is in the coat I lent her.”

Simon paused, completely lost in thought. Where was Lecia? Was she okay? What if she was trapped in a room this size?

“Did you hear anything before they captured you?”

-

Oh no. 

“Bruh...” That one word was all Valko could manage. He sagged in his chair, and stared sadly at the puddle of wasted spirits. Suddenly the wise words of a world famous band came to mind: did it ever drive him crazy, just how fast the night changes? One minute a person could be lounging around eating chocolates with a dowager queen, having a really great time. A couple hours later they were tied to a chair in the worst company.

Valko was so distraught, he didn’t even point out Simon’s mistake in calling someone a fiancée without having even proposed yet. Which was jumping the gun a bit. Bold of him to assume she’d say yes.

“I mean, yeah, I had a chat with the guy,” Valko sighed, “I don’t think he really appreciated what I had to say. He was not matching my energy, if you know what I mean, and that’s such an important part of making a connection. Plus he was looking for kings and tsars and shit.”

Then he’d been punched in the face, and that was that. With another heaving sigh, Valko let his head roll back against the top of the chair. He closed his eyes. If he couldn’t drink, maybe he could nap instead.

“You know that glass might have been able to cut through these ties. Too bad we can’t reach it now. But anyway... how about you? What got you dragged you in here?”

[valkothewolf]

simonjager​:

-

Simon watched incredulously as Valko scooted his chair closer to the glass. Which, incidentally, scooted his chair further away from what Simon made out to be the door. He made a sound like he was about to speak but it was lost in another hiss.

“Lecia is my fiancée.”

His past dealings with the Bulgarian crown prince had been purposefully brief. Simon realized with what little insight he had about Valko that supplying him with a drink at this point would be problematic. He thought to kick the drink over, but stopped himself. Simon shifted and scooted his chair forward, closer to the drink, but more importantly, the door.

“Listen. You are closest to the door. But it is behind you. If you can scoot backward, I will push your drink toward you. In the meantime, we need to figure out how to get untied.”

Simon nudged the glass carefully with the toe of his shoe, giving Valko a scrutinizing gaze. “You do not know the Princess Lecia Cardoza? Were you not on the… on the island together?” Simon tried not to bring up the dreadful place, especially with the royals who were there, but something told him Valko wouldn’t yell at him for it.

- 

“Cardoza...”

Princess. Lecia. Valko stared blankly at the fussy Austrian prince as several seconds passed. Nothing was coming to mind. Cardoza meant Portuguese, though. Portugal meant beaches. He wasn’t altogether fond of beaches these days, but that was beside the point. Using every ounce of brainpower he had (might have been easier if he had a drink), he could vaguely drudge up the wisp of a memory of the Portuguese royal family.

“Is she the one with the nice rack or the one that hosts the Flower Festival?” he asked at long last, “I fucking love the Flower Festival. If you haven’t been, it sounds lame, but it’s a real party. I’m telling you.”

The drink barely moved closer, but slight cooperation on Simon’s part was enough to get Valko re-motivated. He began scooting the chair again. Still moving in the same direction. He wanted his drink, after all, not the door. He wasn’t going anywhere near that door. There were pirates out there.

“Oh wait, you said on the island? Nice rack, then. That’s cool too. Isn’t she kinda stabby? I guess you can’t blame people getting a bit stabby after all the torture,” mused Valko, “I saw a guy lose his finger to a water saw, and he wasn’t even getting tortured. So who even knows what was happening below ground, you know? But uh... congrats, man. When’s the big day?”

[valkothewolf]

simonjager​:

-

“Valko,” Simon hissed at the prince sitting on the other side of the room. Simon had been trying to rouse him for what felt like hours. He was either unconscious, dead, or ignoring him. Simon let out a frustrated sigh and wriggled again against the ropes restraining him to an antique chair that probably wasn’t meant for guests to sit on.

One moment, Simon was walking down the hall to wait for Lecia and catch a ride to where they were staying for the night. All he heard was the shuffle of feet behind him and something hit him on the back of the head, and he woke up like… this. Aching in pain and worked up into a panic, unable to move. At least he was not alone. Assuming Valko was still alive.

Simon shivered at the morbid thoughts and finally heard Valko make a sound.

“W-What?”

Looking down, there was indeed a glass with a lime in front of his feet. He tried to judge the distance between them. How would Valko even pick it up if he was able to reach it? Simon shook his head and nudged the glass with his foot anyway. “We need to get out of here and find out who has done this. Lecia has my phone, do you know if you have yours?”

-

“Oh that’s your first mistake, champ. Never leave your phone with your assistant.”

Valko’s heart swelled as the glass moved half an inch. He tried to meet it in the middle, heaving himself forward and only managing to scoot his chair about the same distance. He paused. Let out a great sigh. Then tried again. While he worked diligently at the task of trying to move his chair toward his drink, he continued to speak.

“I know what you’re thinking. It’s like... hold this phone for the night, do not let me call my exes. Next thing you know, you’re getting your door kicked in by masked gunman. I’ve been there. Trust me, it’s easier to just hook up with your ex.”

Time for a break. He’d made it at least half a foot closer.

“You know what I recommend? Hand written letters. Ditch the phone altogether. There’s something really personal and intrinsically beautiful about letters, and... could you nudge that glass a little farther?” Really, though. He was doing all the work here.

[valkothewolf]

two dudes sitting in a room five feet apart (or closer idk) @simonjager​

Valko’s head rolled back against his chair. He snorted a laugh. Spit droplets flew from the less swollen side of his mouth. When they had told him they could bring him in the easy way or the hard way, he’d incorrectly assumed that was a choice. His preference had been the easy way - the one where he got to hold onto his multiple drinks and not get punched in the face - but his jailor had been looking forward to doing things the hard way apparently. Valko let his head fall forward, and squinted at the one other person in the room.

“Hey. Pssst.” Valko jerked his head, trying to get the man’s attention. His chair wobbled slightly, but the rope that bound him to it remained as tight as ever. “I don’t know if you can see... my drink is like... right by you. The tall glass with the lime? Could you just... nudge that over my way?”

[valkothewolf]

👀 for catching your muse in/leaving/entering someone else’s room. (WHEEZES)

First the doorknob turned. Ancient hinges let out a shrill squeak. The heavy door to the suite that currently hosted a dowager queen pushed open slowly. Just inside the door, a deep voice chuckled. A response to some inaudible quip from further inside the royal chambers. Finally a figure slipped through the door. Valko, his untucked shirt only half buttoned up and his tail coat draped over one arm, appeared in the hall.

Although he wasn’t inclined to blushing, his face did appear a bit red from exertion. He let the door fall shut behind him. Then he looked up, and found himself face to face with Herzog himself. The man, the legend. Without breaking eye contact, Valko lifted both of this hands and greeted Aaron with a pair of pistol fingers.

[valkothewolf]

konigarenofgermany​:

It was close to midnight, but Aaron had no intention of going to bed any time soon. The later it became, the more likely he’d be able to wander around Versailles unhindered by things like security or Angus or people that wanted to talk about boring things. With a bottle of champagne in his hand, Aaron set off to visit Malle since her spouse had absconded with Maddox for a smoke.

Aaron was just about to pass his mother’s quarters when the door opened and Valko stepped out. Aaron stopped in his tracks, frozen. His mind was already losing its sharpness from the late hour and the plethora of drinks. The conclusion he came to was unbelievable, there must have been some mistake–then Valko did that.

The champagne bottle dropped to the floor and without missing a beat, Aaron glared and said: “Ich werde dich töten.”

-

Thud. The bottle cracked down the middle when it hit the floor. A dark spot of liquid began to seep out, spreading across a rug that cost more than some people made in an entire year. Valko’s mouth dropped open. He gestured to the mess. Only an idiot wasted perfectly good champagne, and  proper appreciation of drinks was the one thing he’d always thought he and Herzog were on the same page about. He shook his head sadly.

Clearly something other than a nightcap was on Herzog’s mind.

“Buddy… do you need a hug? You look tense,” said Valko. With a capital T. He stretched his arms out wide, motioning Aaron closer. “Come on, bring it in. I got a hug here with your name on it. You know, I read an article about how every human being needs twelve hugs a day to reach their full potential.”

Herzog’s mom probably had enough hugs to last a while. Did that make Valko some sort of father figure now? Was he meant to teach Herzog everything he knew about life, love, and sports? Maybe. He’d need a drink first.

[valkothewolf]

👀 for catching your muse in/leaving/entering someone else’s room. (WHEEZES)

First the doorknob turned. Ancient hinges let out a shrill squeak. The heavy door to the suite that currently hosted a dowager queen pushed open slowly. Just inside the door, a deep voice chuckled. A response to some inaudible quip from further inside the royal chambers. Finally a figure slipped through the door. Valko, his untucked shirt only half buttoned up and his tail coat draped over one arm, appeared in the hall.

Although he wasn’t inclined to blushing, his face did appear a bit red from exertion. He let the door fall shut behind him. Then he looked up, and found himself face to face with Herzog himself. The man, the legend. Without breaking eye contact, Valko lifted both of this hands and greeted Aaron with a pair of pistol fingers.

[valkothewolf]

👣 for your muse and my muse exploring the garden maze. (Karo. "Exploring'.)

“I say marco, and then you say polo,” said Valko, buttoning up his shirt. Stars twinkled overhead. The narrow strip of sky he could actually see was cut neatly out of the broader view by two enormous hedges, one on either side of them. They were taller than he was even when standing. Which he wasn’t doing at the moment. He sat on the ground with his back up against one of the hedges, though a bunch of leaves and sticks did not a comfortable seat make.

“But the point of the game is, like, you keep moving farther away.”

@karolinaofrussia 

[battleroyalehq]

The clock strikes midnight. Send me a prompt for a quick, four post thread.

(OOC: After four posts, your characters will get a notification!)

😱 for my muse startling your muse and causing them to knock over a vase. 👀 for catching your muse in/leaving/entering someone else’s room. 👣 for your muse and my muse exploring the garden maze. 🍸 for my muse to find your muse behind the bar. ☎️ for one of our muses needing help finding a lost (cellphone, earring, watch, or other item). 😥 for your muse to receive a troubling text while speaking to mine. 🍺 for my muse to help your drunk muse walk back to their room. 🔑 for your muse to tell my muse that they overheard a guest has gone missing.

[valkothewolf]

🍸 Waiting for a drink at the bar. (Momzog)

What a sight to behold. Several rows of delicate, glass bottles. The occasional splash of color. Nimble fingers whipping up a variety of concoctions by request. Valko had requests, but he waited for the crowd to disperse a little more before he sidled up to the bar. He wanted the bartender’s full attention. They were currently occupied down at the far end. 

Valko stood next to the bar. Stared at nothing in particular until the swirl of an evening gown appeared at his side. He glanced over, barely, expecting some baby-faced princess or maybe even one of those pirates all cleaned up for once. Instead, he was pleasantly surprised by who he saw. For a split second that reflected in his face - a brief flash of something other than nihilistic indifference drawing his eyebrows upward.

He turned his whole body toward Herzog’s mom.

“I think there’s something wrong with my phone,” he said, “It doesn’t have your number in it.”

[valkothewolf]

konigarenofgermany​:

Gisela knew exactly what she was doing when she approached the bar. She spotted Valko early on in the evening, but just kept an eye on him, at least until Aaron and Ollie were properly distracted. It didn’t take much.

At the masquerade, the queen was a few drinks in when Valko appeared. Tonight, that was not the case–not that it mattered. Lowered inhibitions made her more outgoing than usual last time, but she didn’t need several drinks in her to decide to approach Valko again. She smiled, small, when he turned to her and spoke.

It was a dumb pickup line, but it didn’t stop her from pressing her lips together and laughing lightly. “I don’t think that is a good idea. Wouldn’t you agree?” Her fingers drummed against the bar counter as she considered him from the ground up. “What are you drinking?”

“You’re breaking my heart,” he said, bringing one hand to his chest.

She had her wits about her this evening. That was fine. Should he ever wish to make a phone call in the future, Valko had no qualms about calling Herzog himself, and asking to be put through to the party he was trying to reach. In fact, Valko thought he’d rather enjoy that. But that was a plan for another day. Thinking about the boy king was kind of a boner-killer, and it was time to live in the moment as his guru, Lyubomir, and several motivational youtube videos were always telling him.

“Vodka, neat.” He fiddled with the glass.

“Would you like one, or are you looking for something a little more... spicy?”

[valkothewolf]

🍸 Waiting for a drink at the bar. (Momzog)

What a sight to behold. Several rows of delicate, glass bottles. The occasional splash of color. Nimble fingers whipping up a variety of concoctions by request. Valko had requests, but he waited for the crowd to disperse a little more before he sidled up to the bar. He wanted the bartender’s full attention. They were currently occupied down at the far end. 

Valko stood next to the bar. Stared at nothing in particular until the swirl of an evening gown appeared at his side. He glanced over, barely, expecting some baby-faced princess or maybe even one of those pirates all cleaned up for once. Instead, he was pleasantly surprised by who he saw. For a split second that reflected in his face - a brief flash of something other than nihilistic indifference drawing his eyebrows upward.

He turned his whole body toward Herzog’s mom.

“I think there’s something wrong with my phone,” he said, “It doesn’t have your number in it.”

[valkothewolf]

karolinaofrussia​:

“Sexiest,” she continued, her hand flitting down to graze the front of his slacks. It was always a wild card with Karolina, whether the touch would be soft or a vicious tangle with her fingernails. Luckily, her attention waned.

“Who?”

She scanned the crowd for someone who looked like a Brian before the door shut, except that they all looked like Brians. An entire room of Brians and no Antons or Dimitris as far as the eye could see. A wash, really. Just Valko. She glanced back at him and her honeybees fluttered again

“What island?”

They’d gone to Fiji a few years ago, and Bora-Bora just last week. “Was he with us in Tahiti?” A pause. “Wait. You weren’t in Tahiti.”

It didn’t matter. Her fingers were already shuffling the placecards for dinner like the dealer at a roulette table, mixing France and Korea, Norway and Tobago. She spread the deck out toward him in her palms. “Mm. Who are the divorced recently? Time for happy reunions!”

-

His drawn on mustache swirled up at ends like a cartoon villain. The right side a smidgen longer than the left, but overall fairly symmetrical. Quite a feat considering he didn’t have a mirror. He popped the lid back on the marker, and set it on the table.

“You took some random Brian to Tahiti?”

There weren’t many aspects of royal life that Valko enjoyed. Getting a drunk on a private beach, however, was always on his to do list. In an ideal world, such an outing wouldn’t have been with Karo, but beggers and choosers and all that. Maybe the alpacas would have liked to see the ocean. Had she even thought of that? No, she only thought of herself.

Well, his bride-to-someday-be wasn’t the only one who could tote around a Brian for fun. Valko palmed Rhee’s card, and paced down the length of the table looking for his own. Brian could sit next to him for the evening. Karo could sit next to one of the oldies.

“Prince second-in-line with the mole on his neck, and that Duchess from Italy,” he answered, gesturing to the cards in her hand, “Heard they just finalized the paperwork, and they had a run-in in the hallway like twenty minutes ago. Hashtag cat fight. Meow.”

Finding his own spot proved to be an impossible task as most of the cards were currently being held captive. “Which happy couple are you going to sit in-between? Oh! You should sit next to that pirate, the Tierney guy. The one that just married a queen.”