Khal was relieved as she deepened the kiss but on the brink of a passionate dance, it ceased. Khal opened his eyes to see her looking down at the floor as if some spec of dust were more interesting than their exchange. He grew red in embarrassment but it quickly faded. He did not move as her words crashed down onto him as unrelenting waves beating him against the sharpest of rocks.
He could steel feel the indentations along his arm where she had held him tighter before releasing him. Was it so one sided? Did she not feel the same? Was it that stupid little man from the dancefloor. Khal’s blood boiled at the thought of it. She was his first. No stranger was going to replace the most intimate of memories they shared.
“You have forgotten.” he was so hurt in that moment he couldn’t even bring himself to look at her. “I used to be good enough but….” He got his marks and she got a well lit education. He could almost blind himself from the light thinking about her life after him. He was merely a stain on it and now that it was clear of his standing his duty would be much easier to see through.
He moved out of her touch. He didn’t want it then he liked to think he could live without it ever again but that would be a lie. In that moment she could only hurt him. “Don’t touch me Vana, I might stain that bright aura of yours.” He could feel the anger inside of him. It wasn’t for her or for the Citidale. It was the lie he lived with for years. “They told me you were dead so I lost my sorrows with a blade and now I am too dark for you….” Khal laughed and walked deeper into the ally. He needed to hide in the shadows or he might expose that part of him that hurt so deeply at her rejection.
“What was your excuse? No can’t save Khal he’s already gone. Sacrifice the one to save the world. Tell me Vana, how many of the people of this town died? Was your light powerful enough to save them? If I do recall it was Liss who closed it, not you. Spirits,” He fell back against the wall in defeat. “Sorry, at least you try and your excuse is noble. I shouldn’t have believed you were dead. I chased them with everything I had. I still chase them in my nightmares.”
Khal rubbed his face. “I love you Vana. More than that oaf you were dancing with. It hurts so much but I wouldn’t change it for the world. The Dark Union thinks they can stop us from loving someone but not me. If you want him then you will have to kill me because I am not losing you again.” It was a threat. He would never lay a hand on either of them but he would not stop.
As Khal retreated back into the shadows of the alley, time seemed to slow down. The world around Vanáriel faded into something grey and blurred as if her vision was obscured by a veil. The colours faded and the light dimmed. All she could focus on was the pain, anguish and rage which flared up in Khal’s dark eyes. She desperately wanted to take a step forward and seize him into a strong, firm grip so that she could shake some sense into him but it seemed that with every step she took, a wider gap seemed to open up beneath them.
Why was he always belittling himself as something dark and worthless? Did Khal truly think he was incapable of goodness? Vaná knew evil - she had seen it in her visions - and Khal was not it. He had been the only family she had known in their grim childhood and he had kept her alive. A strong protective urge to reach out and comfort him with an embrace bubbled through her core like a wave of fire but she pushed it down. Her touch - which she always hoped would be a warm comfort to Khal - would only burn him at that present time.
Although their love for one and another was as strong as each other's, Vaná’s feelings were not the same as Khal’s. When she pictured a future - that was most likely impossible for her due to her duties - of children and marriage, the father’s features were strong and Vartheli. Beaming with joy and mischief. Gonzalo. Khal would always be in those thoughts too as her family. Now that they had been reunited after years apart, Vaná could not imagine a future without him in it.
After a prolonged period of silence, Vanáriel stopped biting her lip and straightened her back with all of the composed strength she could muster. “Khal.” Her voice was clear and strong but it was not harsh. There was a softness in the tone. “No-one can stop the love I hold for you. You will always be a part of me, a part of my life and a part of my future but,” and here she winced, knowing that her next words would sting, “I do not love you as I would to a husband. I doubt I could ever settle down because my duties demand so much of me but if I did, my heart belongs to that Vartheli man who you called an ‘oaf’.” A ghost of an amused smile graced her features as she thought of Gonzalo’s beaming features.
Her features gradually hardened into a no-nonsense look that was reminiscent of their childhood days when Vaná would scold Khal after finding him beaten and bleeding in a gutter. It was full of warmth, love and sternness. “And do not try to explain my actions and feelings by saying you are the responsible for being too ‘dark’. What ridiculous nonsense. I can touch the Shadow too, Khal, and although you suffered far more ordeals than I can even imagine, it does not mean you can shoulder all of these burdens. You are not responsible for how my love to you is different. Fate is rarely kind and you are not evil.”
She stood there, almost trembling from the weight of the emotions that burned through her and she slowly stepped away. It was conflicting how she wanted to rush in and comfort him as if they were children again but something about the situation told her it was right for her to leave - to let him have space.
“I will always be there for you, Khal. I will let you rest.”
And with that, she turned to briskly walk away.
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