"i fucked myself up getting attached to you."
Нищо ново под слънцето
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@vandalism93
"i fucked myself up getting attached to you."
Нищо ново под слънцето
you have to love yourself so much that you become unbothered by the lack of love from others
“Hoping for the best, prepared for the worst, and unsurprised by anything in between.”
— Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
Sylvia Plath, from The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
they should make it easier
what?
Everything. All of it
you and i are proof that there is nothing rational about love. if there did exist rationality, we would have never made it. because your friends tried to sell you on the idea that I was not good for anyone. they ran you through a timeline of events, dug up every love that went bad at the core and placed it before you. they tried to sell you on the idea that i could have never be good to you. and yet, you stepped into the abyss of everything unknown. Told your fear to come back another day because courage was visiting. This is love.
No matter how many times you replay the whole timeline in your head, you’re never going to be able to pinpoint the exact moment it went wrong. Rereading months of text messages isn’t going to give you any clarity, or make it any easier. You won’t get answers out of his friends, or his horoscope, or the pictures he’s liking on his phone. Sometimes you have to tell yourself it’s not something you did, or didn’t do, and there’s nothing you could have done differently, and it’s not because you were too much to handle, nor is it because you weren’t enough. And then you have to just let go, because it’s all you can do.
cant wait to start feeling normal again I think to myself knowing that i have not once felt normal not at all my whole life not ever
my gynaecologist, listening to me explain what happened over the phone:
You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.
O_O
yesss i found it again! one of my all time favourite reads.
On the day you were born, something collapsed in outer space. Still your mother forgets all about the things that happened outside of that hospital room on that day. On that day, she can only think about it as the first time she willingly put her needs aside for someone who was well worth it. I know you forget that sometimes. On the days when the world is falling at your feet in a way you can’t be thankful for- you are quick to forget. I don’t blame you. It’s easier to. On the day you were born, something collapsed in outer space.this was your welcoming. as if even the sky knew nothing would be the same again, as if even the universe knew you would change the world for those with whom you shared space with. And although your mother was the first to love you unconditionally, there will be many others after her. Don’t you ever let yourself forget it.
“You weren’t mine, at least never completely, never for more than a night at a time. You were that light happy feeling between sober and drunk. You were a “tell me when you get home,” “have a safe flight,” “good morning, beautiful” text message. You were never someone I wanted to marry or bring home to my family or cry to about anything at all. I liked you because you were easy and we were happy and light and free. And I can’t even tell you what happened but now you’re the taste in the back of my throat from that last vodka soda I didn’t need. Now you’re an “I miss you” text read at 10:57pm and never answered. Because we let things go too far and then slammed on the brakes when the light was still green. And now we’ll never know if it could have been great or just how great it would have been. And I wish we ended it while you were still good memories instead of bad tastes.”
—
I don’t think I will ever stop mourning the girl I used to be
Oddly specific. Got a deposit for 6,837 today
fuck it, i never ever do those “reblog for X, this one really works!” posts, but this one doesn’t have any of that BS, this is just straight up wishing us good things; and then the comment doesn’t even say any of that either. Zero claims on this post, all positive vibes
May you end this week feeling ever more certain of a future you’ll love
May you end this week feeling ever more certain of a future you’ll love
“I’m terrified of losing you, of not being with you. I’m terrified that one day you’re gonna realize just how pathetically shit I am and you’re gonna tell me to fuck off. I’m terrified to not have you in my life. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t know you and I don’t want to remember the times you weren’t around. This shitty existence of mine actually seems worth enduring because of you. It’s like when you’re around, I just feel like I’m… Okay. Like my world is spinning slightly slower and everything is sharper and brighter and I can finally fucking breathe. I feel like you give me breath. And when I breathe you in, you smell like rain and when I’m in your arms I feel that warmth of yours and everything is completely still. Like we’re the only two people in the world. I love that feeling. I love you. All I want is to make you happy. I want to make you feel safe and I want to make you laugh and smile as much as I can. I want everything with you because you’re my everything already and I just want to mean something to you. I’m scared to lose you. I’ll do everything I can to not lose you, to keep you in my life. Because losing you… Would be like my heart stopped.”
— Oko Ninjah (everything)