I am in the passenger seat and everyone likes a good road trip, dont they
Everyone likes a good story about the girl who wanted to die learning how to breathe again
And maybe we arent there yet, and maybe no one wants to hear about the grimy bathroom in the 7eleven
Considering the stuttering fluorescent lights, considering the river bed
Considering emptying our lungs out like old wallets so we dont carry the weight of our fathers for once
19 and im half a world away with homesickness kicking a bruise into my stomach
And ive moved beyond the razors, the tried and tired means, ive moved on to dragging strangers into bar bathroom stalls and
Riding in the backseat with my feet in his lap and my head out the window and i know that hes drunk and driving too fast and
I think of myself as a doe in the middle of the highway, that blinding light as the last thing i’ll ever see
And that night i jumped onto the train tracks and barely made it to the other side, you had to drag me up and pulled so hard my shoulder ached for days, the hollow pain whispering youre still alive
And i laughed, i blamed it on the tequila, i blamed it on the ecstasy, i blamed it on the dare but you looked at me and i thought maybe youd figured out what i had
That sticking a gun into your mouth isnt the only way to die and oh, wouldnt it make it easier on everyone if they could say it was an accident?
20 and im home bent over the toilet and my mother just retiled the bathroom but i wish it was still stained like me
21 and i have never wanted anything the way i wanted to look in their mirror and see something different
Did you know i had to teach myself to fall asleep because it felt a little bit like dying?
Did you know i had to teach myself to get out of bed the next day?
Normal brains dont fall apart at the thought of opening up this mouth like a gutter, but
When you have never known what it is to walk like you arent wading through floodwaters
You dont get to miss it, right? Because i dont think i have ever lived in a way that was easy, but sometimes i dream about it still
22 and i tell you about the bathrooms, i tell you about running away, i tell you about the glass candle holder, the bloody dish towels and
My mother didnt mean to be angry that i tried to kill myself at 17, she just couldnt help it, the way
It hurts when you give someone a present and find it back in the store window days later because they didnt want it
23 and i am pulling your sweaty hair back in the bathtub because you didnt know what to eat to weigh the sleeping pills down and
Your words like punching through drywall, please dont tell my parents, please
And when you started to cry and you asked is this all life is? Just trying to die over and over until it finally takes?
And i said no, i said drink your water, i thought there’s got to be more, its got to get better than sitting in our underwear in stale bathwater
There has to be more than this constant echoing wound
24 and there is this chinese vase i saw once, itd been shattered and then painstakingly repaired with gold gilding in every crack
It was beautiful, not because it had been broken and painted over, but because someone had seen the shards and thought
You pull the car over 13 miles from the ocean, you say i forgot the air can smell like this
You steal my coffee and make a face–you dont like almond milk–you ask is it always gonna feel like this?
izzy806
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