Part of Connor hoped that he had the wrong man. Part of him hoped that he was mistaken. That this guy wasn’t Jimmy. The man that was more of a father to him than anything he had by blood. He hoped he was wrong. That he wouldn’t have to face one that could cause him to feel so much guilt over leaving. Over taking off without a word. Well, okay, that wasn’t true. He’d told Jimmy he was leaving but he doubted Jimmy ever believed him. Not until he actually slipped away into the cold night and didn’t return. A small part, however, was glad to see Jimmy. See him alive and breathing. The last time he saw his blood father, he was identifying his body. Seeing Jimmy alive… That was reassuring if nothing else.
The small way that Jimmy spoke his name at first had Connor feeling like a child once more. Tossing him back to a time he had slipped and fallen in some mud or a puddle outside the house. He’d come home soaked to the bone. Jimmy would say his name like that. As if he was a puppy that didn’t understand he’d done something wrong. Not had but wrong. He felt like a child looking at Jimmy now. He looked the same as always. Sounded the same and caused that same familiar comfort to hit Connor for just a moment.
Then the words turned spiteful and just as fast as the comfort had come it left. Because Connor had left. He had left and thrown his cousin in jail. He had left and now he had killed his own father. Though, in his mind, his father was still very much alive. Jimmy was his dad. He always would be. That other man was nothing but a poser. A fake. None of his other family would see it that way and he doubted even Jimmy saw it that way. But that was Connor’s truth. And as much as he believed Jimmy to be his dad, he believed that if there was a god he would strike him down at this very moment. That it would be a mercy for them both.
But the ground didn’t open up under Connor’s feet and no lightening struck him from above. So he was stuck to handle this the best way he could. “I-” Connor started, his eyes wide as he just looked at Jimmy. “I was just responding to a call.” He answered honestly. Jimmy had always been hard to lie too. One of the few people that Connor couldn’t look in the eye and flat out lie. He wished he could but he couldn’t manage it as a child and he couldn’t manage it now. “What are you doing here?” He asked still sort of stunned that this was actually happening.
Jimmys first instinct, the one found deep in his bones, that settled like a cold weight in his belly some nights, was to hug him. The kid was bigger now, broader. Jimmy just wanted to pull him in tight, clap his shoulders, not let go for a long time.
He had been the worst dad to his own kids, the twins hadn’t spoken to him in years.
Here was Conor, living and breathing and his alive. There was days, night and evening Jimmy had loved that kid as if he were one of his own. In some ways, he had never stopped.
You didn’t know true love until you had kids, his ex would say. And fuck it, Jimmy loved Conor like he had raised him from birth.
Seeing him in blue hurt, so much that the ache was palpable in his chest.
Jimmy was wracked with guilt, with pride, with anger. He felt all the emotions he could muster at once and it caused the ache in his chest to pulsate, he felt ill. Unsure if it was seeing Conor, or the alcohol in system. It was probably a healthy mixture of both but he put a hand to his stomach none the less, chest rising and falling rapidly.
Brown eyes fell away from his sons face and he inhaled a sharp breath. He felt shamed, both for shouting and again for seeing him in such a way.
Jimmy knew nothing but anger. these past few months anyways. Sometimes, he looked at himself in the mirror and he hated what he saw. That had never happened when he had her, when he had been married to her. Conor had been such a big part of their lives, he lived with them...shit, Conor was their son, my default, and Jimmy would never set him asunder....but it was hard.
Was that what it was like being a dad? Was is hard?.....Was it supposed to be this sore?
“My fucking job.” Jimmy said, with more mallice than he meant. Anger still bubbled under the surface of his skin, white hot as magma. He tried his best to push it down, but it was hard. “....I’m here cause the family asked me to be here.” he finished, crossing his arms over his chest. He towered over Conor, at least that hadn’t changed since they last saw each other.
Jimmy pursed his lips, that hard hard clenching tightly “-you shouldn’t be here kid.” his voice was low but not soft, there was worry however, set deep in that dark stare. “-It’s not safe for you.” Jimmy stepped closer, and while his face was still a stoic mask of fury, there was something in the way he spoke. Something akin to a warning. “You gotta stay safe kid.”
