Venetia Writes

Thank you for taking the time to read.

[venetiawrites]

A Date & A Guy Will Solve it All, Right?

Instead of going inside yourself, 

to feel the pain

to ask the why,

you say, "I desire a date" and "I desire a guy".

Instead of feeling a fear arise,

and exploring the memory 

and where it ties,  

you say, "I want a date" and "I want a guy"

Instead of confronting the failed tries,

gazing from within

your innermost eye,

you say, "I need a date" and "I need a guy".

[venetiawrites]

I take a walk every morning for perspective.

Today I saw a man in a business suit walking his little boy with a tiny backpack in one hand and laptop case in the other.

A man still waking up as he unlocked his laundry shop.

Two men cutting the grass around the trees in the park, who get there at dawn.

A father saying bye to his daughter as his wife carried her inside the house. And then him waving and smiling at her all the way until he drove away and turned the corner.

Two men waiting by the paint store in hopes someone would hire them for the day.

The car wash getting ready for the crowds, filling up bottles of cleaner.

Men digging sidewalks, shoes from the night before, a telephone pole with thousands of staples reminiscent of hundreds of ghosted shows and art inspiration in the windows of madrone bar.

[venetiawrites]

Just, Listen

The world is speaking to you.

If you sit alone in a cafe and a book on the shelf catches your eye and you choose to pick it up and read it, you have listened.

If you sit with your tea and eavesdrop on your neighbors politely, you have listened.

If you ask the hard questions to those you admire, and then listen to them - you have listened.

Real advice comes in the real world. 

Real lessons come in the flesh.

Most of us are so tuned out that we're more lost than ever.

[venetiawrites]

92 years

How many frustrated sighs within the blinks of the eye?

We are all but shards of glass pretending to be unbroken. We are truly an unmendable species, restricted to our own fears, holding on to hopefulness, hung by the hands of time and scared, petrified, and wavering. The green that rules us makes me grimace. My mouth paper dry, unfolding expectations. I am not in my hands but his, and thankful for that I stand with shield by my side. Armor against the petty and bleak, the calloused and wounded, the unsatisfied and empty. How many heartbeats are in 92 years?

[venetiawrites]

Your Gift.

I have seen it. I have felt it. It's a feeling we all have in the womb, And then we lose it. The rawness of unlimited possibilities, Using our brains, bodies and hearts so fully. And the gift we have that is unique to us. How we all so quickly forget it. We no longer share it. And in this world all we are meant to do is give it. But instead we hide it. We hide it until we feel we no longer have it. But the truth is, we always have it. We just have to look for it, And we will see it.

So, seek it. Find it. Feed it.  And never forget it.

inspiration: i'm fascinated by how pure we are in the womb. and then how shaped we are from the moment we emerge by doctrine and projection and so, getting back to that peace in the womb, where all we had was purity and love, and where our gift was welcome and nurtured just as it is.

[venetiawrites]

Today I watched a nine minute film and my eyes welled up at least four times. To me, this video is at the core of Apple. 

Not, this.

http://www.apple.com/iphone/videos/#tv-ads-photos-every-day

The first reminds me that Apple goes far beyond iphone and the MacBook I'm typing on right now. It reminds me that THIS is what Steve Jobs was talking about when he was thinking of individuals changing the world. So, why is it that you only view this in a presentation that they give, as opposed to sharing these stories with the world? Why don't they forget about the iphone for a moment, and just feature :30 clips of these inspiring people creating a better world because of the technology they are creating? This is the perfect time to re-invent the :30 or :15 ad. 

It made me not only think, "Wow, what an amazing company that would be to work for," but that they are far beyond the sleek white stores that illuminate blocks in some of the biggest cities in the world.

As someone who cares about the humans behind technology as we do at Airbnb, I propose they forget about the hand models and product, and make it more about the humans using their product. In that way, they inspire the world just as they inspired me today.

[venetiawrites]

My 94 year old Grandma on aging: "When you think of a baby being formed slowly and then you go to the other end of life, and the different things that begin failing. It's the opposite of a baby - which is interesting. Each day you think, what's today going to be like? I think it's interesting but sometimes you get a bit fed up when you can't walk very far and so on. That's life. Overall, it's very interesting."

Grandma. 

[venetiawrites]

The People We Meet: Jane, (Cogh: Ireland)

Jane had eyes that looked like they might spring into tears at any moment. It’s a very vulnerable quality I have been seeing more recently in a couple of people. The first was at the cancer center where I met the husband of a woman undergoing treatment. The second was today, with Jane.

During the walking tour we exchanged a few words, but I loved that she was obsessed with the Titanic. She knew all the references of the things the tour guide was saying. She’d probe with great questions, and she seemed thoroughly interested. It wasn’t until I sat down with the group, and then after a pint when everyone had left, that she offered to buy me a drink and we got to talking about the good stuff.

Life, that is. She told me that she had been divorced once, twenty years ago. Her blue eyes and jet black hair (total Irish look) were filled with weariness as she told me, “After the divorce I was alone for a year and I loved it”.  Then somehow one thing led to another with a new man at work and she found herself in another relationship.

This time for eleven years. They broke up one week ago – which explained why she was alone in Cobh, but also why her eyes looked so teary. (I have since made a note that whenever I see someone with those eyes I will sit and listen to them for awhile, because they always have things to say.)

As she asked me about my love life she said, “The way I see it, is most people aren’t together a long time anymore. If they are, they aren’t happy.” She said she knew a couple that had been together for 32 years but had not spoken to each other in the past 9. As in, not said a word at all. She said they even moved houses without communicating. They moved houses INTO another house, together. Not one word. This is actually quite a talent if you really think about it, in non-verbal skills, but pretty messed up.

She had advice on two things. One – pave your own path. As you look around and see most people on the same paths and feel that you should be on that too, deliberately remind yourself that you are completely on your own path, and therefore you should just wave to them and be nice, but not follow them.

Two – sometimes you only get true love for a little while. No one said that true love was forever, and most people never experience it. So, if you do, just enjoy it while it lasts. Two years of true love is better than thirty years of non-love or I-am -doing –this- because- I’m –“supposed” -to love.

Seven years ago her son stopped talking to her because he was mad she had left his Dad. She said, I had brought Christmas presents for him, he walked them out to the car and said, “I never want presents from you again”.

Looking at this lovely woman, so capable of so much, it was hard to hear.  There she was - walking the city to learn all about the history of a boat one hundred years ago, working hard at an insurance job in Dublin and making a long commute, not feeling trust in her eleven year relationship because her boyfriend’s parents didn’t approve of her – and I realized, damnit Jane, you don’t deserve that. No one deserves that.

Her optimism in her advice to me, after being through all that, was still a testament to her strong spirit. As we parted ways, she was heading into a church to light a candle, and we had a big long hug as the church bells chimed. I encouraged Jane to go on a date next week with herself, because she made a really fun date. She laughed, and I saw ever so subtly her eyes twinkle – and this time it was because of laughter and not from pain.

[venetiawrites]

10 Ways to Stop Making Work your Life

I found myself helping a friend with this advice, which worked for me. After 80 hour work weeks I finally started moving towards a balance. Since then, I am much more fulfilled both inside and outside of work. Here’s what I wrote up for her, and then I figured I could share it for those of you who don’t know how to start!

1. Work only 8-9 hours a day (focused and solid work)

2. Go to bed same time every day and wake up same time every day. I find ideal hours are 11:30 - 7:15 :)

3. Limit drinking - it’s hard, but it’s good for you.

4. Send an email to friends and ask them to introduce you to their favorite people OR ask them to keep you in mind for any interesting events they hear about. Then, go with them and have coffee with new people.

5. Take on a side project: dance class? what do you like? sign up for one. (this only works if you do number 1)

6. Try not to work on weekends, and if you have to - do not work on Sunday night. Get the work done Saturday.

7. Don’t check your email or phone as soon as you wake up. Force yourself to wait until after your (#8).

8. Take a walk in the morning. Somewhere green. Don’t think about work.

9. Try and see the ocean once a week. It can be up close or from a distance. Just really see it.

10. Stretch a lot.

Remember, work is not our life. Work is just something we DO. WE are our life. Relationships. Love. Nature. etc. that is life.

Remember that every person on this earth is equal to each other in their jobs. From a surgeon to a garbage man - we are all equal. All our endeavors are. SO, we don’t ever have to compare to anyone or be unhappy with where we are in our work. Work is a part of life, and it should hopefully give us purpose, BUT remember, it’s not our sole purpose.

In order to be happy here at work:

1. Be happy outside of work

2. Be happy inside yourself.

How to get what you want:

1. Know what you want.

2. Ask for what you want.

3. Believe you deserve what you ask for.

[venetiawrites]

What if We Don't Call it Company – We call it colony?

It’s not a Company – it’s a Colony.

What I learned from nature re: organizational structure.

When working towards building something together, a community, a movement, or a company – or all three – I found myself stumped when developing organizational strategy in how we were to work together.  Late one night I felt compelled to find the answers with organizations that had been around a long time. I fell into hours of reading about ants and bees.

It is nothing new that nature teaches us if we pay attention to her.  Watch two birds right now in the May heat and certainly we can learn a thing or two about courtship. I wasn’t interested in that aspect, but more in, how do these organisms survive and how have they for so long? What can I learn from them?

The reason I applied it to the foundation of the company was because I felt like in order for every one to buy in there had to be a certain amount of understanding that no one was actually at the company for themselves. That they were there for something bigger. The greater good.  I found myself fascinated with ant colonies - they are sometimes described as superorganisms because the ants appear to operate as a unified entity – collectively working together to support the colony.

I began to view the company not as just a company, but as a colony. As I learned more about ants I took away how they divide all their labor, with communication between individuals to solve complex problems. Instantly, looking around our open floor plan as we have grown from seven employees to over six hundred, and realizing the importance of keeping that communication going.

I even learned something about how we might educate new members to the site. “The ant leader is acutely sensitive to the progress of the follower and slows down when the follower lags”. Since we have so many different ages of members on our site, applying this theory seemed like a great approach instead of a "one size fits all" on the education front.

Also, new ant workers begin by caring for the queen bee and the young, and then they graduate. It made me think about how when I was waitressing, I felt like everyone  should have to do it before graduating to real life, but moreso, at our company, having everyone who comes in work on customer support tickets before graduating to design or any other position.

Overall, the statement that appealed to me most was that a superorganism is a collection of agents which can act in concert to produce phenomena governed by the collective. I began to imagine the roles instead of designer, customer support representative, and marketing manager instead as builders, creators, and storytellers.

In this new world, this colony, this collective- whatever you want to call it, people have roles not defined by their talents, but defined by how it contributes to the survival of the society as a whole.

We haven’t adopted new names yet, but my hope is one day we do. The founder wasn’t too keen when I told him that when the phone rings we should say it’s “stridulating”.  

[venetiawrites]

The People We Meet: Romeo & Frank

The People we Meet is a Series about the people I meet.

Romeo & Frank:

I wasn't beckoning for Romeo to come to my window, I was being beckoned by him to follow him down a hill to watch a small propellor like machine take flight.

Romeo, who has worked for NASA for 14 years studying the sun, happened to be on set for a short film I was helping out with this morning. He wasn't alone, his buddy Frank, about 10 years older, with deep analytical eyes, was in tow. They both did this in their spare time, of sorts. Taking these machines up in the sky to inspire kids in classrooms and surveying and capturing accident scenes. 

The machines have little cameras attached to them, and connect to satellites. Frank, who is a forensic scientist (as well as owner of a film production company) said that since he deals in the details, he looks at life so differently than other people. His eyes sparkled when he said that, and he wasn't exactly social, but I could tell after I showed extreme interest in his machine, that he was more open to telling me things.

I wanted to be friends with them, go grab a coffee and make a documentary of how interesting they were, but instead I watched as they fuddled with remotes and wires to get the machine prepped for the shoot. Then, we had ten minutes and Romeo said, "V, watch!" They went up so high high high! I giggled with glee.

[venetiawrites]

The stitches have been pulled out - the little nylon bits just tugged from my skin in about a minute, and that was it. The scar is healing at a miraculous pace, which is no surprise, because we so often forget that the healing powers of the body is wondrous in itself. 

I didn't set out to make a short film about this experience,but then again, I instinctively capture moments of my life because I am so aware of how fleeting time is. The other day I realized I had enough to craft a story, and so I did. I need to remember this. To play it before I head to bed every once and awhile when I'm out on the west coast and my family is snuggled in bed in Chicago and New York. When I feel a little sad or rejected in some way. When I need a reminder of how much love surrounds me in this life. I am so thankful for this reminder. 

This journey has been nothing like so many people that I know, or that have come forward to share their C-word story since this began. These two people for instance, are an example that the C-word can strike anyone at anytime in any place - and if I have learned anything from observation, it is that there is no rhyme or reason to any of it. (Please pray for them by the way). My prognosis was excellent, and on the C-word scale, it's the best you can get. That's why this whole experience turned out not to be about the C-word, but more about the journey and ultimately, so many lessons for life.

This is not a story that should scare people. It's just an experience in which I was taken from my energetic and high speed job, only to be placed exactly where I was when I grew up. Home. The power of home, and the power of family. The power of friends and the power of love. The things that even me, sometimes forgot as I sped through deadlines and meetings.

I was lucky enough to get the grace of this reminder. We all know that we are all going to have chapters that come up, and some will be hard and some will be joyful, and we know that is life. My hope is that we don't need a diagnosis to remember these things, and I know now that they are emblazoned deep in my heart and my mind.

Thank you for everyone who was there both in mind, prayer, and presence during this whole experience. I felt every ounce of it. It was there with me every second of the way. This world is full of so much grace, love, courage, strength and I have learned that humans in general are beyond the most passionate, caring, and magnificent creatures on this earth - no matter what the television says. 

Thank you for sharing in this with me, and may you realize every day the love that surrounds you in this life. It won't let you fail, it won't let you down, and ultimately, it will be there - no matter what your journey holds.

[venetiawrites]

Darkness to Light Today

Let us face darkness with light, so pure and bright.

And remember that by you glowing a little brighter today, in its own small way- has the power to make big change.  Let us turn our own shine up, by holding open every door and letting someone go.

Smiling at strangers we don't even know.

Letting that car in instead of speeding up.

Hugging friends with big bear hugs full of love.

Calling mom and dad to say thank you for all you do.

Not lying but choosing truth.

And in these small acts producing light beyond all measure, having the deepest gratitude every moment, for this life is such a treasure.

[venetiawrites]

Singin' Through Surgery

There were two things I planned on doing in the moments of going under. One, singing. Two, asking everyone to please say only happy and nice things while I was asleep since I could probably still hear them.

I entered a sterile large white room with three doctors busy at work. An alternate universe, with my scans on a huge screen to the right. It was freezing, and I shuffled my way to the operating table. “Go ahead and just place your head there in the ring,” said the nurse. Then, she began strapping on circulation pump things to my legs, while Bert, the anesthesiologist prepped me to go under. I said, “Bert, I have a happy song I’d like to sing as I go to sleep if that’s okay.” He said, “In 32 years I’ve never had someone want to sing to sleep, but I like it”.

The next thing I knew, I was out.

Waking up in recovery, I was disoriented under the breathing tube and confused. Everything felt harsh. I felt like a newborn. The light hurt, voices hurt, and the nurse pulling the ekg simulators off my back hurt. I began to cry, wishing everyone would just please be quiet so I could sleep. Thinking back to this now, I really feel like that could be what a baby feels like. Shaken from a peaceful place, in pain from a crazy journey into the bright lights, being handled my unfamiliar hands, people seemingly shouting. It was no coincidence in that moment I wanted my Mom and Dad. Then, they were there. One on each side, holding my hands. I don’t think I ever squeezed a hand so tightly. Brother was there too, and the rest of the family surrounded my bed for a few minutes - but before I knew it I was back asleep.

Everyone at the hospital kept making jokes because I had an entourage there. Mom, Dad, two Aunt’s, Uncle, Dad’s girlfriend, and brother. I told them it was my love entourage, and the doctor said, “You can never have too much love”. Super true. I felt like the luckiest patient.

I vaguely remember being moved around in the hospital bed, although it felt very much like all ER episodes I’ve seen except for it was my POV. They wheeled me into my room and I mumbled, “Family?” Then, they were there again. Except, this time, with an addition! Best friend Jane was there, and I’ve never been so happy to see her. She came bearing gifts – flowers, a drawing of the two of us, and a card from her parents. I was exhausted, so my family left soon after and Jane stayed until I began drifting off to sleep.

The night after surgery is the time you feel the most of everything. As in, this is how a body feels when she is weak. I had a friend once who got in a motorcycle accident and broke at least 7 bones. I couldn’t imagine him and what he must have gone through. Mine was a minor incision on the neck, and I needed a nurse to assist me to the washroom.  I took a “walk” around the floor with another nurse where I gripped my IV and shuffled with baby steps. Quite the contrast to my every day morning strolls walking briskly through Alamo Square park.

I was woken up every 2-3 hours by Kate and Erica, my lovely night nurses. They kept the pain at bay and told me about the night shift. I seriously love doctors, nurses and everyone else in the medical field in a profound way now. Especially the really nice, warm, and friendly kind.

A broken night of sleep left me groggy and the crankiest version of myself. Mostly, irritable – which I’m not really used to. Everything seemed dramatic when I woke up. I couldn’t open my apple juice and I laid back overwhelmed. My dad is right, I can sometimes truly be quite the drama queen. 

My doctors came in the next morning and I thanked them profusely. They said I was the perfect patient, and everything went excellently. Good news: They only took out half the thyroid. This means, that if the other half kicks in, I won't have to take any pills at all! Thank you body for making two of most things! As they were leaving, the one doctor said, “I must say, I loved that happy song you sang”. I said, “Oh?!?! I sang it?! I thought I didn’t.” She said, “Yes, you were singing about happy cells and then you asked us to please only say happy things during the surgery, and we did”.

I was so pleased. For lyrics you can ask Ms. Kelly Robinson who taught the song to me.

Then, I showed all the nurses my miracle picture and they passed it around the floor. One of them literally started flipping out. She said, “NO. NO. That is a miracle. NO WAY.”

My miracle picture is because morning of surgery my best friend said a prayer for me, and I walked up to the kitchen. I stopped and said, “Good morning everyone!” and my family all stopped and said, “Oh my God, stop. There’s a light on your neck”. They grabbed the camera, and on the same side of surgery, in the sort of shape of a thyroid, was a rainbow light that was pouring through the window that had bounced off of a glass on the ledge.

I couldn’t believe it until I saw the picture of course, but needless to say, the odds of me standing right there, with that light, morning of surgery is pretty insane. It made me feel pretty strong going into this whole thing.

I threw up on the way home in the car, with brother rubbing my back. That was one of those moments where I thought, "Well, this is love." 

This is the first time I’m able to fully type without falling asleep, and I’m feeling strong!  I’ve spent the last 18 out of 24 hours snoozing. Surrounded by my lovely and warm family – I am more than taken care of. Thank you to all who have sent wishes, flowers, cards and the like. They made the hardest day easier. Now, it’s only uphill! Today, I showered, and I’m eating normal food (and of course a lot of ice cream).

Depending on what the doctor says Tuesday, technically, the C word is all out now (fingers crossed) and after a couple more weeks of rest, I’ll be back to the same ol’ V. Except I’ll probably be even more loving than ever before, so, be ready for that. 

   thyroid picture.

Crazy coincidence picture. Left side and all! i mean, come on, that is quite the coincidence if I say so myself! 

[venetiawrites]

365 Days of Single & The Night Before Surgery.

365 days ago to this day I had a break up. The night we broke up I committed to learning to be alone for 3 months. Then six. Now, one year. I deliberately made the choice to learn to be alone in this life, so that I could be sure I could. I would become the best version of myself that I would be, before thinking about the "together" part of my life. I have spent 365 days becoming that person, and it has taken a little work every day. I can honestly say, I have changed more this year than in all my years combined. It feels so great.  Before this, the longest I had been “alone” was maybe 4 weeks since I was 18.

The crazy thing is, I don’t think it is a coincidence that tomorrow is surgery.  It is a fresh start. Another fresh start one year later.  The world showed me, “Okay, you have been alone for one year, and you have “felt” that pure love exists without romantic love. BUT. Have you TRULY felt it? Truly? Do you know how very loved you are in this life, Venetia?” said the world. So, it tossed me this little adventure to make sure I knew. Originally surgery was supposed to be the end of April, but then they called and said they could do tomorrow. Oh, how convenient! Perfect timing.

Well love is, that I am stuffed to the brim with homemade cooked meals from this week. My Aunt Pat is literally as close to an angel on this earth as they come; Graceful, generous, kind, and warm. She’s the aunt that let’s me sleep in without ever waking me up, and then having a hot cup of coffee waiting for when I do.  Asking for nothing in return, but I still give her foot rubs. It is truly the least I can do.

I played catch with my Uncle every night this week. As in, put on a baseball mitt and literally held up fingers like “1,2, and 3” for a fastball and curve ball. He’s 73 but the most active person I have ever met.  I felt like I was ten again. Following in his big footsteps as we pioneered through the Pennsylvania mountains. He threw a hard ball and it hurt my palm, but with him – you don’t complain. So, I didn’t. That’s the colonel in him and the warrior in me. 

I slept more than usual this week, and there were several times I felt like my eyes were going to spill over. Tears would come to the brim, unexpectedly, and mostly at night. I don’t know where or why they were coming, until finally today, I curled up in a ball and thought of the scalpel on my neck and said, “I think I’m a little scared”.

I think this could be a control issue. Giving in. Letting people help me. Letting them put me to sleep so they CAN. Maybe it’s a signal to me – that the only time I’ll let people help me is if they have to put me under to do it. I want to learn to let help in every day of my life, and let everything else in that is consistently trying to come in. This is truly a lesson in trust and letting go more than anything.

My Mom arrived last night as well. Just knowing Mom is here makes everything okay. Nothing I tell her is ever too crazy. Plus, she just knows stuff and knows how to get stuff done. She is literally the strongest cookie I know, so just having her here gives me the feeling of iron clad protection. She is the reason I am getting the best surgeon in the country. Like I said, she just knows how to get stuff done and always has.

Then Dad, who is fiercely optimistic in this life, and has given that to me. Thank you for that, Dad. It’s one of the things that has taken me through life so far, giving me resilience and a smile for every hard moment. It’s truly a gift. That, and no tossing and turning at night. For the small anxiety I DO have, it isn’t keeping me up. That’s because he gave me the gift of sleep. As well as a million other things. Mainly just the love of a really proud Dad that never has once faltered.

Oh, twin brother. We don’t even talk about the surgery, but he’s just here. He flew from India to get here, and he made it. I knew he would. He always does. As twins, we’re meant to get through crazy shit together. That means, not being together for crazy shit is not an option. He is here now, passed out after 20 hours of flying, but my solid other half. Technically, they will remove half the thyroid, since I have him I still feel like I start out with extra in everything.

These snippets are just that. A snippet from the outpouring of love I have received going into this.  I could write five pages of snippets from my older brother to my cousins to my friends. Snippets of love that have just surfaced and cascaded around me to say, love is here and it always is. I hope that everyone knows that. That they have access to this very same love, every moment of every day, and it comes from everywhere.

This is statistically not a big deal. In fact, so many before me have had this. In fact, sometimes I feel like a baby even making any deal of it at all. But , the truth is, is that anything growing inside of you that shouldn’t be there just feels a little scary.  You think, “Oh hey there buddy, get out”.

I plan on singing as they put me to sleep tomorrow – and since I won’t technically have much of a voice when I wake up, I’ll just plan being silent and looking. Looking at all the smiling and loving faces around me and soaking it all in.

Then, I will eat icecream.

[venetiawrites]

Thyroid Annoyance & A Day with the C Word.

Dark gray circles on faded and pale faces surrounded me today. Moving through three waiting rooms I was invited into the world of “Cancer” treatment. Someone once told me that finding out you were “sick” was like taking a boat from one side of the healthy river, to the other bank on the opposite side, where people were in a whole different world.

I felt like a guest to that world today, with a guest pass on. With a, “Hi, My name is Venetia, but I have the best kind of cancer so technically I’m not sure if I should be here”.  There were no name tags, and I could tell everyone was looking at me and my aunt and making the assumption that it was she who was getting treatment.

I have a new profound respect for doctors and all people in the medical field today. People that come to work every day to see sadness in people’s  eyes, to face fear that most of the world does not even want to think about. We all live in a world where we don’t have to confront these things, yet they choose to confront them. It is all so very selfless.

I was met with warm and kind eyes today, and lots of smiles. I asked for names, and met Glenn, Liz, and Alice. Not to mention, my lovely surgeon, who exuded the warmth of a wise old indian chief grandpa.

They took my blood, walked me through the steps of what would be surgery day, and listened to me breathe, along with the most thorough exams I have ever had.

I just imagined falling asleep with family around me, and waking up with them around me too.

Then, I looked around again. What you see is life. Real life. You see a man with his brother, and he has a tube in his throat and sounds like a robot when he talks. You see another man whose eyes are permanently wide open in a state of shock, as he watches his wife head into the back with the doctor. At any moment, it looks like he may burst into tears, or he may just be that exhausted.

You see waiting rooms full of people drinking the free hot chocolate because there’s just not that much else to do. But wait. There’s so much waiting.

My appointments today were 2 hours appointments and 7 hours waiting. On the other side of the river is just a bunch of people lining up and waiting.

I got some great advice from Liz, one of the nurses today. She said, “Do everything now, before you have kids. In fact, please, wait. Wait for love, wait for kids. Take the next five years for you. You deserve it, and time will be gone. It will fly. And if anyone has a constant reminder of how precious time is on this earth, it’s me”.

Thank you Liz, I finally feel like someone on this planet understands me.

Also, on that side of the river, the word “Cancer” is everywhere. On pamphlets, on the shuttles, and even in the name of the hospital. I hereby rid the dictionary of this awful word, and from now on will call it, “Thyroid annoyance”.

The pokes and prodding gave me an acute awareness of just how friggin amazing bodies are. Holy crap. These wired miracles actually function just fine and move us around every day of our lives. Has anyone thought of that today?! Something the size of a pea controls the calcium levels of your body. Apparently calcium is critical. If this isn’t a reminder that the small things are everything I simply don’t know what is.

If looking around and seeing my Dad, my aunt, and my best friend all listening to the details of my upcoming surgery isn’t a reminder of the love in my life, then I also simply don’t know what is.

[venetiawrites]

Just Like That, You Almost Get Hit By a Car

The evening last night was perfect for a night stroll. I had just left a friend's birthday party and headed down Haight Street, stopping by most windows to see the time and effort people had put into the display. A shrine to Buddha, an anarchist book store, and enough vintage shoes to supply a lifetime of Mad Men were just some of the gems.

The walk sign was on, for me - and while I didn't look right and left, I trusted the illuminated man. Not only that, on the other side of the street were seven or eight disheveled people all wearing comforters as jackets and I remember thinking, "I wonder if they are hungry?".

Then I hear the sound of a car screeching to a halt, and someone on the corner shout something - then, before I know it, I finally look right - and a taxi has almost run the light. So close was this encounter that I looked down and the fender was digging into my legs. 

I didn't scream. I didn't shout. My hands were in my pockets, and I just paused for a moment and looked at the driver. He was terrified. I looked at the passenger - and her hand covered her face in fear. Then, I just kept walking.

At that point, the trembling began. The little shock waves that shoot through your body to do a scan to make sure everything is okay. Is everything in one piece? My body was NOT happy about that encounter, and my mind was trying to make sense of it. "I did have the right of way, right?" 

For the next 15 minutes I was forced to think about how that one moment could have changed the course of not only my life, but the history of so many others'. What if he hadn't stopped? What if I had died? Then I started thinking, "I'm glad my last thought would have been empathetic to someone else". 

Mostly, I just felt like something had stopped the car.