Collection of Thoughts

WARNING: My grammar sucks.

[ventdigest]

Welcome back ME

Let’s get this shit started.

It’s been a while, I’ve been mostly writing in a journal but I can’t really keep up with that so I’ll be posting my thougts on here again since it’s more convenient.

I’m better than before, but over thinking this is still a strain on me, hopefully venting out on here will help.

[ventdigest]

How do you promote yourself

Like, seriously I’d like to use my artistic skills to try to get by.

Going to wiki how this shit.

[ventdigest]

I can't tell anymore.

I’ve known you for so many years, I won’t hesitate to tell you what your deepest darkest secrets are. But, when I try on a smaller sized shirt and you take but a moment to say something… I no longer know you as before. Why are you so strange to me? When you say something in a different tone but I can’t pick up the meaning. How you look at me when I bring up something from the past. I can’t tell whether you hate me or not. And I can’t tell whether you care when I say how I hate my body.

[ventdigest]

Understand me.

Applying for a job in person is by far the most strenuous activity in my life.

I don’t consider myself to be an “adult”. 

An adult in my definition is someone who no longer needs someone to accompany them everywhere. I still need mt grandma to keep my company at the health clinic. 

Anyways, I am mentally a child. A very timid child that is scared of adults. I’m afraid that what ever I say won’t be taken seriously enough, so I tend to not say much. 

Despite this, I decided to go out to a temp agency and get a serious job.

With two of my friends.

It wen’t as awkwardly smooth as I expected. After filling out some paper work I was suddenly trusted into an interview. I was shaking, my voice trembled but went through with it. I stumbled on some words and smiled a bit too much that I might have seemed insane or oddly pleased? The agent asked what I was specifically looking for. This is an easy question, in fact its the best question to someone like me. I could say anything, and he would work to the best of his abilities for a job. So what did I say?

“Oh... um, something like a a job where I can draw all day... haaah ha”

I’m so awkward, why did I say this? Why do I keep trying to read someone and fail every time! I’m literally insane.

This obviously did not make him laugh nor help me. At. All. So, he told me we were done and I was dismissed.

Fuck. Me. I. Hate. My. Life.

My friends interview went swimmingly and SOME HOW MENTIONED US GOING TO THE SAME ART COLLEGE AND GOT US BOTH A JOB OPPORTUNITY AT A LOCAL GRAPHIC DESIGN COMPANY.

I am too dependent.

And I’m not okay with that.

I want to speak calmly and comfortably with strangers. To just for once know that what comes out of my mouth is what people want to hear... I just wan’t to please everyone... and for them to like me... because I like them...

But

That’ll never happen.

[ventdigest]

I should calm down.

Despite everything, something that gets me angry should be enough to lose someone like you. I’m thinking its immature you know, juvenile even. To say things in a passive aggressive manner, like I’m your worst enemy.

I wish I could understand you, but our minds see things differently. 

We are unique but too predictable to each other.

[ventdigest]

I don’t get it.

I don’t like it when friends post status like “I care about you a lot and I wish you could too..”. Why do I feel like its directed to me? Not that I think the world revolves around me, but when you spend time with this friend more than anyone else... you tend to wonder. 

[ventdigest]

Strained Friendship

I didn’t realize that being your friend resulted with me ending up being a fucking mess. We have the same interests, passions, and dreams. We even had the same haircut for a while. Every time we’re together I’m never bored, you always find a way to make me laugh. Even in silence I’m comfortable. So why is it that I feel so strained and contorted when you are angry with me. Little things like, saying OK after you’ve told me something. What upsets me the most is that you’d rather confine to friends that don’t even hang out with you every day like I do. I feel like I’m mending an open wound every time I confront you about what is upsetting you. Your problems always seem to originate from me, yet you never tell me. I try to hang out every day, talk with you, laugh with you, cry with you, I even runaway from my own home just to see you so that you could make me laugh again and forget all my problems. You say that your problems don’t matter to me.but you don’t realize that you are on the highest pedestal. I see you as special. I see you as someone who is important in my life and don’t ever want to lose. Do you see me like that?