vera

[vera-vela]

thinkin' about roleplaying again

I used to love doing text-based roleplay with people. (Everything I learned about writing started in the fandoms) I wonder how one might find themselves a partner these days? (Most importantly, yes, smut and love are my specialties) I relive my golden days in my villain era. I would love to connect with someone this resonates with.

[vera-vela]

got pots?

not so much the fun weedy kind, but the postural orthostatic tachycardiac syndrome kind. i have been under evaluation for ehlers danlos syndrome and today was the tilt table test. which is exactly how it sounds, except they strap you to a table and try to make you faint.

my resting heart rate was 65bpm, and the highest my heart rate got upon standing (a/k/a strapped to a board at 70ish degrees) was 140-145 bpm. i felt the all-too-familiar sensation of tingling, weak legs, lightheadedness, nausea and heart palpitations. i have never actually fainted, and i hope to maintain that streak.

weird cardiologist reminds me there is no treatment or cure for pots + ehlers danlos syndrome, which every doctor likes to remind me of at every turn. thank you, doctor buzz-killington, i know i will likely struggle for my whole life but at least i know it's something and not just my own moral failures. the patient has been counseled there is no treatment for ehlers danlos syndrome and pots appears throughout the last few months of records. consider me counseled, i get it.

it takes every ounce of my will to bite back every "i'm not looking for a cure, but i need validation that I am not imagining all of this."

cardiologist says i meet the criteria for pots ("but you know two of your other meds could be causing heart rate spikes...") and the next step is an MRI in a few weeks. then genetic testing. then... well, on to forever i suppose.

i have been prowling through my raw dna data acquired through 23andMe/promethese and it has been illuminating to go gene by gene looking at things. it is definitely not a diagnostic tool, but validating to see tangible signs of "hey, something ain't right here."

will i ever stop gaslighting myself? will i ever stop feeling like an imposter to my own life?

[vera-vela]

oops what do you say when your boyfriend calls your husband and asks if he should propose to you?  ~~the drama~~