Veracious Filter

All the thoughts no one hears...

[veraciousfilter-blog]

05/10/17

Today was good.

If I had a glass I would raise it to all the haters.

Serious.

I know I've been depressed... but there is too much negative energy in the world.

Filmed today mostly. 

Uploading right now to YouTube.

Looking forward to new opportunities in my photography.

I am thinking about starting my own photography business actually.

That would be fun.

So the situation.

My family is very into Christianity.

I am not as convinced, however. 

I like the idea... but it's hard for me to get on their level.

Plus being around my family is borderline torture.

I don’t know why but I have the spirit of frustration and annoyance when it comes to my mother and father.

Especially my father.

He is really immature and acts so stupid all of the time.

His demeanor is that of a three-year-old.

I find he is getting worse with age.

For the longest time, I had not spoken to my family very much.

I am now reminded why that was.

I do not coexist very well with them. 

I can feel my blood boiling and my psyche losing itself every second im with them.

Though I am very good at putting on fronts. 

I breathe, smile, say nothing, and just carry on.

Nevertheless... I feel like exploding every second I am around them.

O.o

^Thats a face by the way for those of you who do not know.

On a better note, my sister is coming to visit soon.

I can’t wait. 

She keeps me sane around my family. 

Thank god for that.

[veraciousfilter-blog]

05/09/17

As some of you may know, and some of you may not know... I left a lot behind coming to Colorado. 

I'm not much of a talker. 

I have never been. 

Ever since a child, I have been seen but unheard for the most part. 

I guess video and photography are a type of way I have found with which I can externalize my thoughts. 

The video I uploaded is full of shaky footage. 

To some, it may look like nonsense... though I wanted it that way. 

I wanted to capture the chaos. 

The shaky video symbolized a state of delirium with vibes of solidarity. 

Much of you I am sure do not care about the descriptives when it comes to video logs. 

This descriptive is a bit of an insight of what it feels like to be me right now. 

I'm not entirely sure who I am. 

I thought I knew and that world crumbled beneath my feet in a matter of seconds a few weeks ago. 

I have become skeptical of myself and unfortunately others. 

A lot of the time I feel as though I am not enough. 

Conditioned by my external influences and circumstances I suppose you could say. 

All in all, I wanted to capture a small essence of what I am experiencing right now. 

Confusion. 

Wavering confidence. 

Heartbreak beyond belief. 

Short bursts of anger and even shorter moments of happiness.......... 

Yet with all of that said, I know I am meant for greatness. 

I have not seen my best days.

I'm a simple guy forced complicated for the time being. 

They say time heals all wounds and I believe that to be true. 

Time and good company is always the perfect remedy for any ailment. 

The vibe attracts your tribe as they say. 

Though I am changed for the long haul. 

I feel different. 

I think different. 

I trust differently. 

I laugh different. 

I will tell you though, I am most definitely not just going through the motions anymore. 

Life is very raw and very real right now for me.... so please stay stoked guys.

Please. 

Don't let your fire die out no matter what. 

I'm surprised I still have one. 

I guess my pilot light never died out after all. 

It's going to take me awhile to burn brightly again.

[veraciousfilter-blog]

05/07/17

Finally got my car completely fixed. 

It was an enjoyable process.

I’ve been dealing with depressive thoughts lately.

I know they are useless and won't help my situation.

Though I can't help but shake them sometimes. 

I keep thinking about her.

I have a date tomorrow... or a hangout.

I don't know.

I feel uneasy about the whole thing.

I might flake.

I’m scared, to be honest.

Lord help me.

[infranaut]

There are times in my life I have wondered where the pain goes when it is absent. In my age I’ve realised that the answer to that question is simply; ‘deeper’.

Owen from “Lilytooth”, a work in progress (via infranaut)

[veraciousfilter-blog]

05/06/17

Today I sit (well type) before you in a good mood.

My car broke down.

Now I know that sounds like not such a good thing.

See, I am an engineer like we discussed in an earlier post.

Slowly you guys will come to understand who it is that I am. 

Thus having my car broken down was a good thing.

Lately, I have not had enough to do in order to distract my mind from thinking.

If I end up with nothing to do and just sitting bored, I start to think.

That's when the trouble starts.

All the memories come flooding back in.

So... having my car break down was a blessing.

I was able to spend the last two days fixing it.

I needed to replace my alternator.

For those of you who don't know what an alternator does, it manages you an entire electrical system of your car.

It keeps your car from dying essentially while it is running. 

ANYWAY....

It was nice to have been able to keep my mind occupied for awhile.

Almost like temporary relief. 

Now I am able to drive to Starbucks again... for the wifi.

What can I say... I'm a millennial. 

Wifi is crucial in my business operations. 

Just like always.

Blond roast, no room for milk.

Straight coffee.

Feels good to be back.

I wonder if the baristas thought  I was dead.

I literally was there every day for the past few months.

Then poof... gone for three days. 

Thoughts.

That's why I'm here though right?

I guess.

Thoughts haven't been my friend for as long as I can remember.

I guess I like the idea of getting my thoughts out via this blog platform.

It's kind of like extracting them from my head in order to get some peace.

[veraciousfilter-blog]

05/05/17

Happy Cinco De mayo or however you spell it.

I don’t really celebrate on today.

I think it's cool still.

Now get this, you guys.

I want to share a bit more about myself in an anonymous fashion.

So as far as you guys know I am a male... and I have just been through a heartbreak.

You guys know that my blog is about sharing what no one hears.

Did you know that the word “veracious” means speaking or representing the truth?

Yup, veracious filter is the idea that we all have our own thoughts that no one hears.

We can not avoid them.

They are the truth that we know whether we like it or not.

I aim to use this blog as a way to externalize those truths so I can take them for what they are. 

Oh and I just moved from the east side of the United States to the West.

I moved because of a terrible breakup.

See, I was engaged to my high school sweetheart.

We had been together for over seven years. 

A few weeks ago we had a really stupid fight.

She decided to ignore me and cease contact for three full weeks.

It was as if she was already over me and moved on.

That's how she was making it seem.

Now I know compromise is important in relationships... but I don’t think it is healthy to treat someone like that.

Anyways, that's enough for today. 

Slowly but surely the bigger picture will take form.

Oh, and my car is malfunctioning right now.

Good thing I am an engineer. 

Oh yeah, there is that. I am an engineer. 

And an aspiring photographer.

[veraciousfilter-blog]

05/04/17

Back at it. 

Yesterdays vlog didn’t end up uploading, so I am uploading today. 

It was nice to take a break. 

I still feel like I need to push harder in some ways though. 

My car got stuck for a sec on my departure from the house. 

The snow in the mountains is insane. 

Though it seems fitting. 

I guess it feels like a little south-park mountain town. 

The cartoon show. 

I’ve been bored out of my mind lately when I’m not working. 

Maybe I should work more. 

I applied for a few jobs but heard nothing. 

I guess I'm impatient at best.

I like immediate results. 

I guess that's just a flaw of being a human being.

We have been conditioned it seems to expect such quick response/outcomes.

Today with our fast internet speed and always developing technology... we are conditioned.

Classically conditioned maybe by our own inventions.

Lol

Interesting. 

I can’t even act like I think it’s a bad thing.

Like I get the idea of “it could be a bad thing”.

Though, I honestly rely on it all just like any other millennial. 

The world is a strange place. 

So on a different note, I met a girl.

Actually we haven’t met in the physical just yet. 

We have been texting.

I feel as though I should be carefull and take things very very very X a million slow.

I spent seven years engaged... and all of a sudden nothing.

Those of you following my journey... it will take time to develop an understanding of who I am.

It will all be revealed with each post. 

I will let you in on some information because I bet you are confused at best.

I am a male.

I was scheduled to be married just a few weeks ago.

I was broken.

I spent seven years committed to a woman who was not commited to me.

I found that out the hard way.

I would not wish anything like I have exprienced upon my worst enemy.

Anyways, that's all for now about me. 

More will be revealed within the context of my blog posts.

Just know that I am an artist. 

Photographer to be exact.

Right now I am drinking a beer for all the ones who have their hearts broken.

Feel free to contact me, my friends. 

I will stay anonymous... though anyone going through similar circumstances I can get on your level, to say the least.

Actually... I am on your level. 

Much light and much love my friends who I have never met.

I raise my glass to the real folks of the world. 

[veraciousfilter-blog]

05/02/17

Uploading a vlog again. 

The grind never stops I guess. 

I love it though. 

Hardly feels like work. 

I hope someday I can do this for a living and travel the world. 

I crave adventure… yet it is hard for me sometimes to get out of bed in the morning and not be lazy. 

Sticking to my affirmations and convictions will help I am sure of it. 

Dark roast coffee isn’t bad either, apparently, there was something wrong with their blond roast at Starbucks today. 

I prefer the blond roast though. 

I think I want to change. 

Actually, I’m sure of it. 

I want things to change for me in my life. 

I want to come back to my birth town and have everyone say “woah your different”… or at least think it. 

Part of me thinks that way because of the situation with her. 7 years and done just like that… seems odd. I don’t deserve to be ignored though. Working out with my brother hopefully later at his gym. 

Then onto the supplement store right next door to the gym. 

I want to grow both physically and spiritually and socially out here. 

I need to re-ground my self and build a foundation. 

For too long I have been attempting life on my own. 

It is time for me to put my life in the hands of God. 

It feels right. 

I still struggle with certain things, but it gets easier each day. 

I'm looking forward to the future for once. 

I need to learn to be patient too however, I have a tendency to jump from one thing to another. 

God knows all of this and everything that I am. 

I got a word for the first time the other day in the shower from God. 

The word was “Let it go and trust in me” I feel like it was my own thought, but it was placed on me in some way.

At least that's what it felt like. 

That must be God.

Maybe.  

[veraciousfilter-blog]

05/01/17

Feeling good lately. 

Speaking positive words of life. 

Affirmations are exciting to me. 

It makes sense too. 

What we speak is what we attract by the laws of the quantum realm. 

Vibration. 

Certain words carry certain vibrations. 

Thus what we put out into the fields of the universe attract like ending points. 

So words of life will attract life. 

Words of death will attract death. 

I am very interested in the logistics of nature. 

Many think it is a supernatural topic. 

I do not think that. 

I do think that it is of god and his will, though I believe that I can discern it into logical reasoning. 

Science and a relationship with god are not far off from each other. 

It just seems that many people tend to take sides. 

I see through them both though, for to me… they are one in the same. 

Science to me is just a way to describe how the workings of god manifest themselves in our realm of the physical. 

Granted, the spiritual is what is the bigger part of the iceberg. 

Trying to live above the line.

[veraciousfilter-blog]

04/30/17

Haven’t done much today. 

Started to eat again. 

Not sure about that… but we will see what happens. 

Thinking of starting a strict eating and exercise regimen again. 

It won’t be hard. 

I just need to not be lazy. 

I miss her. 

Yet at the same time, I don’t. 

Still feel like never getting out of bed. 

I have to force myself every morning as of late. 

I don’t need to be depressed though.

Part of me feels like I need to wait a while until I make any moves towards talking to other girls. 

Another part of me thinks I should just move on. 

I wonder if she has. 

I miss her. 

I know I love her. 

I’m not sure if she loved me though. 

Maybe she did, and it just faded. 

We didn’t have a healthy relationship anyway. 

That still doesn’t mean I wasn't committed.

I have a bad way of being distant in relationships. 

I guess I don’t know how to conduct myself either. 

Still, I don’t think being treated like I was is something I should have to live the rest of my life with. 

It isn’t solely her fault… and it isn’t solely my fault either. 

I miss her. 

I miss you. 

My wife. 

I’m scared that you think I don’t want you… and I guess I’m not sure what would be best. 

I definitely am not sure if you want me anymore.

I still love you.

Forever & Always.

[coffeeandpoetrydarling]

[mypenleaksiridescence]

Tragically, no response is a response.

Six Word Story (via mypenleaksiridescence)

[veraciousfilter-blog]

Broken

Today was hard.

In fact, I find most days hard as of late.

These days upon me.

Days of yesterday and even perhaps tomorrow.

Stuck with my thoughts from a confused mind and a broken heart.

I find even the normal of daily tasks to be a struggle.

I find that I can not seem to find much of anything right now.

I find these thoughts hard to bear.

This strain doesn’t necessarily make sense right now.

Maybe there is an apotheosis to all of this.

Maybe there is not.

Whatever the outcome I will be somewhere upon this earth.

Maybe you will find me.

Maybe you won’t

I hope... barely... but I still hope.

I find it hard.

Though nothing is impossible.

[veraciousfilter-blog]

04/29/17

I want to get a dog. 

Dalmatian actually. 

I think it would be good for me. 

I don’t really know what is good for me anymore. 

I'm still pretty torn apart from the apathy. 

Seven years and she acted like she never cared. 

It was scary actually. 

I remember I was emotional at first when I went to see her, yet she was straight faced. 

I saw a few tears well up in her eyes but she remained composed. 

Part of me wishes I could have just waited. 

Part of me wishes I would have done it sooner. 

I don’t really know what was best. 

But I'm here now. 

So that's what I must do. 

I hurt. 

But I’m not dead. 

I have not seen my best days. 

I think I should get a dog. 

That might be good for me. 

Someone who you know without a doubt loves you. 

Yeah, I think I'll get a dog. 

I guess I’ve got some work and saving to do. 

Starbucks is busier that usual. 

I come here all the time as of late. 

I wonder if anyone recognizes me… or am I just another face in the crowd. 

Someday I will be someone. 

I know I already am someone… but it’s not the same. 

Starbucks has this awesome cold pressed juice that I always get. 

It’s expensive… but I don’t really know anything about coffee in order to get something from behind the counter. 

I just grab the “cold pressed juice” from the fridge out in the lobby and pay quickly. 

I’ve been with one single person for the past seven years and barely talked to anyone else. 

I guess I could use a brush up on social skills. 

I order the juice because I don’t want to steal their wifi without buying something. 

I'm sure they wouldn’t mind… but I feel like I need to get something. 

Uploading the blog per usual. 

I really like this one. 

Oh, and this is my first journal entry. 

Maybe it will get me back in touch with my linguistics and such. 

Poetry… writing… I’m not really sure. 

I like the idea though.

 Maybe I can increase my typing skills. 

Anyways, this blog is definitely not bad. 

Maybe for others, it might be. 

It’s good for me.

That's all that matters right now.

My editing is getting better and I feel like I am finding a style finally. 

Same goes for my photographs in lightroom. 

I'm getting faster and the results are easier to obtain. 

I am learning as I go and going as I learn. I feel like I want some more substance to my blog. 

Perhaps I would feel satisfied if I have likeminded people around me who actually supported my passion. 

Usually, everyone around me thinks it's weird to be filming. 

Most people don’t like to be on camera. 

The church people are great and all, but I still feel like yeah… they totally could be my people..  but I still feel like there are people out there that I need to be with more regularly. 

Wow… He was right. 

Journaling actually does help. 

He described it as extraction.

 Extracting the thoughts from your head. 

I can’t believe this shit works. Solid. 

Stoked.