I was going to make a video. I tried at least three times. But I couldn't bring myself to record another cliché YouTuber goodbye. My teary-eyed apologies opening me up to even more scrutiny.
Some would say I only did it for attention, insincere. Others would give their undying support. Still others would hate me in silence.
It's a strange thing to be hated by hundreds of people who you will never know. It's a nightmare to face an angry mob of internet strangers ready to judge your deeds, dehumanize and ostracize you in the name of justice.
You may say this is melodramatic, that I'm certainly overreacting. But have you ever faced the trauma and humiliation of being canceled for a stupid mistake you made years ago?
Have you ever opened your browser to find thread after thread, comment after comment, post after post - condemning you? Have you ever had your entire essence summarized in 280 characters of pure, unrelenting hatred?
Casual condemners perform no self-reflection. They never consider they've done anything wrong by jumping to the worst possible conclusion. They feign outrage and disgust without waiting to hear from you. Minds are made up and punishment decided. You are stripped bare.
I will no longer support her.
I'm so disappointed in her.
I always knew she was a bitch.
Be careful who you support. When someone's mask slips, they may not be who you thought they were.
She's so passive aggressive.
Can you believe it? I always thought she was so nice. Shocked.
You should rename yourself to ToxicSimmer. Because that's what you are.
I always got bad vibes from her. Not surprised.
I heard she abuses autistic children.
Opinions are formed by bad takes, screenshots, manipulated stories, rumors, tumblr reblogs. Truth has no place here, and neither does empathy. We will tear you apart because of situations we don't understand. We are fucking outraged.
We will accuse you of bullying others while remaining oblivious to the fact that we're doing that very thing to you - right now.
Friends will disappear, offline. Lurking in shadows to watch your fall. Secret attempts to show support - as long as no one sees and whatever you did wasn't too distasteful. If things look bad, jump ship. Quickly! Before you're mobbed too.
Three days ago, in an instant, my entire life was destroyed. Evidence of my disgusting, unforgiveable nature surfaced. Shared by people I considered friends. Absolute proof that your instincts about me were right all along.
There's no explanation that will satisfy the mob. No apology will suffice. There's no undoing, no understanding. When there are receipts, there's no defense.
A few stupid remarks, flippantly typed with the expectation of privacy - they will haunt me forever. There is no escape.
Anytime my name is searched, it's there. She bullies autistic children. She's a monster. How does she sleep at night?
The pain gnaws like an ulcer. It consumes me.
When they look at me, they see something less than filth. I am given no room to be a human. No room to grow. No room to repent or move on.
Here is the screenshot that ruined my life and career:
I took down a minor's selfie from my Discord server because I was annoyed with her behavior. I LOL'd when my moderator jokingly said her face was "dumb."
I apologized then to the person involved. It was over, we healed, we moved on. But when you have a reputation, a career in the public, you can't really ever move on.
No, every stupid thing you've ever said or done can resurface at any time. When the mob comes for blood, they shall have it. You must suffer the consequences of your actions - over and over again for all eternity.
Imagine you woke up one morning feeling happy, refreshed, creative, productive.
You open your email to start work and you're met with messages urging you to kill yourself. Then you see them - the Tweets, entire subreddits and tumblr blogs dedicated to spamming some stupid thing you said in a private chat that was resolved years ago. The rumors. The lies. The assumptions.
Imagine that you are crushed under the weight.
Pleasant Sims is canceled.
When you are tried and sentenced in the court of public opinion, there is no defense.
No matter that I did a very human thing, venting about an annoyance in private. I hurt someone. I must deserve this. Actions have consequences after all. It was only a matter of time before people uncovered how vile a person I am.
Because I create content online, I'm expected to be something above human, something beyond moral. I should be a role model, perfect in every way, always nice.
Only I'm not. I'm just a flawed person who can never live up to the rigid expectations of being a "creator."
We are all one mistake away from absolute ruin.
I suppose you have never said anything rude about someone who annoyed you in private to your friends. If you haven't, you are a better person than me.
It was inevitable that I would leave YouTube. I've been tired of the spotlight and pressure for a long time. I made plans. I had an exit strategy.
But I waited too long. I was not allowed to leave on my own terms.
Now my legacy is that I bully autistic minors. It doesn't matter that this isn't true. This is what people will say about me. For years on end, the hate will fester there. When anyone comes looking for me, they will be met with my disgrace.
I'm deeply sorry to the person I hurt with my words. What I said was not okay. It was not excused by my frustration or the circumstances of the situation. But my intent was never to harm.
After a 17-year old girl spammed me incessantly, sending me constant messages on every platform, spamming my discord and DMs, even after being asked to stop, I was fed up. But still, I did not attack her. I did not harass her. I did not even ban her.
I made a comment to my mods that was stupid and mean, but it was not meant for her to see. I never wanted to hurt her, only to get her to stop spamming.
We found out she had autism, and decided to give her more leniency, to work with her on understanding boundaries and the rules. We didn't have to do this, but we felt we should since she was a sweet girl who obviously had trouble understanding the expectations of being part of an online community.
But the damage was done. Someone leaked those screenshots of our earlier chat and showed them to her. They told her we were bullying her and talking about her behind her back. They hurt her to hurt me.
She left our community. I just let her go. What could I do? I didn't want to cause her any more pain. I was ashamed of myself for saying those things in the first place.
Later, she reached out to me. My heart was broken that for all that time she thought I disliked her. I welcomed her back, apologizing for the hurt, but standing my ground that the spamming could not continue.
When she returned, we had a good relationship. She participated in the community. She stopped spamming, and we enjoyed having her there.
Or so I thought. You see, there's a person out there who despises me so much that they will go to any lengths to discredit me. You may have seen their multiple Twitter and Tumblr accounts dedicated to hating me, spreading lies, half-truths, and rumors about any little thing I do.
This person has tried for years to cancel me, but they've had no dirt to spread. When they got their hands on these screenshots, it gave them all the ammunition they needed.
They dredged this up from the past - a matter that was resolved and atoned for long ago - to prove to the world they could take me down. And it worked. I'm canceled.
I have been accused of terrible things. I have been accused of bullying an autistic child. I would never do that. But some people will believe that I have. And I cannot live with knowing that opinion of me exists.
Thank you to those of you who supported me and believed in me. I appreciate you so much. (ETA: I know that my supporters FAR outweigh the people spreading hate. I love you all and your support has not gone unrecognized. You are amazing, and I'm so grateful for your understanding. It's just that the hate became too much for me to handle.)
I am leaving the Sims community and YouTube for good. You cannot imagine the pain this causes me. My reputation cannot recover. I've been so traumatized and humiliated that I will never feel safe in this space again. I will cherish all the memories I made here, and I will miss those of you I called friends.
