Lost in Translation

Black girl health. Documented journey on becoming the woman I was born to be, join me.

[verschollenin]

What does my faith even mean to me? I really don’t know anymore

[verschollenin]

I don’t know what’s been bothering me as of late. Something is sitting in my throat and I don’t know how to let it out. I just feel so frustrated.

[verschollenin]

Also fuck everybody who looks own on language and arts majors. Studying STEM doesn’t make you better than anyone else.

If you’re reading this, encourage those around you to follow their dreams and become the best at whatever path they decide to choose.

[verschollenin]

Also: I realise that I don’t trust guys my age so I don’t date them, also don’t fit the aesthetic of what they want in a girl. Not really in the mood of constantly having to fit a certain mould. I would date an older guy but nope, they’ll probably take advantage of me. So yeah, I don’t date

[verschollenin]

Honestly I need to learn how to be secure in my own beauty. I feel myself feeling insecure around my beautiful friend (WHO I LOVE TO BITS). Always comparing myself, always looking a what’s in their plate instead of making sure I have enough in my own. This only ever happens when we’re around guys and I HATE THAT. I’m so grateful that exams are coming soon, my block period starts next friday so I’ll be able to really spen time with myself and look deep within and find the root of this evil.

[verschollenin]

Fear

I’ve been reflecting on the person I am and have been (because I still am yet am not her) over the years. There are some things I like and some I hate, somethings that can only be set aside at a later date and things I can only obtain after I leave my mother’s house.

In other words, though I seek to live an unapologetic life I cannot because of my circumstances. 

[verschollenin]

Make a commitment

Spend time with yourself. I mean REALLY spend time with yourself. Close the door, open the windows, have a seat. 

Reflect on who you are, reflect on whether or not the person you are feels natural or if she belongs to somebody else. Reflect on how your body has been feeling lately. Give yourself some attention. 

[verschollenin]

Its been a year, I’m still tired, still anxious but alive. I am grateful that God still trusts me enough to carry on loving those in need.

[verschollenin]

When did I stop praying....I can't even remember. One day I woke up and I just stopped

[stupidsimplicity]

black girl magic!

IG (left to right): @iamdubem, @_hopeee, @theylovetheafro, @zanxcv, @_yizzle, @beautifulugo

[okwowcool]

pink lace mini 

[southeastsappho]

THIS LOOK

[jerrielzapata]

my hair is teal now 🐬✨

IG: @JerrielZapata

[verschollenin]

South African House recom.

A few throwback jams I’ve been listening to recently (will add links later 😆) Dj Zinhle - My Name Is Dj Sbu - Remember When It Rained (personal favourite ) Heavy K - Beautiful War (HALLO 🔥🔥🔥) Professor - Lento. .....🔥🔥🔥🌋🌋🌋

[verschollenin]

Reflection truly is eternal

That song makes me cry every time I hear it. Not literally but more like my soul let's go of a little bit of pain every time it plays. I'm always talking about how tired I am of windhoek. About how sick I am of the toxic environment I'm in, but I never talk about how I'm going to miss it all. The idiotic people in my class, the local lingo, my family, my mum smiling back at me when I cheer her on. I'm going to miss it so much. I feel so selfish, I don't have to go, I'm doing this all for me and I admit that more than once I've thought about leaving and never coming back.....idk, I have no idea where I'm heading.

[verschollenin]

I’m sick of whk. I’m so done with everything and everyone in this country. I’m sick of the men here genuinely believing that everything girls do is for the male gaze. I’m sick of them harassing us. I’m sick of hearing about girls getting raped in my own (very safe btw) neighbourhood. I’m tired of not being able to live the life I want because of something a drunken, misogynistic guy on the street can do to me. I’m ready to move, 2017 can’t come fast enough. I created this space to share my preparations and journey to studying abroad and it’s so sad that this has to start so negative. I’m usually such a joyful person but the world has me tired, I can’t see anything through my rose tinted glasses rn. I just need a break from it all

[verschollenin]

The thing about seeing your loved one suffering from depression is that you're always treading on thin ice. On one hand you want to leave. On the other hand all you want to do is protect them from everything trying that hurts them. Add being in a long term battle with social anxiety in the mix and you have the perfect ratio to permanently fuck up your life. I miss her. I miss everything about her. She used to talk about travelling the world, she used to take care of herself, she used to live. What she's doing now, that's not living. She's resigned herself to long days in bed, staring at the nothingness around her. The worst part of it all is that she doesn't see what we see. We see her existence slowly diminish. I've always said that I'm an advocate for African women continuing their lives and not resigning to the church once their husbands pass on but I never understood how deep it could get . It's so much bigger than what meets the eye. The depression has this disgusting grip on her. I should know, I've had a very very bad spell with it for the past five years but I guess seeing it happen to someone else just shook my world. I've had to face some demons of my own because of this. It's so tough. So fucking tough.

[verschollenin]

Uncomfortable

I feel very awkward. I don't know where I stand with my family. I don't know where I stand with my degree. I have no idea where I stand with the Lord. Things are okay I guess but I'm at a very awkward stage in my transition. I do admit to indulging in escapist behaviour but I do feel like my soul is in one accord. It's restless but in one accord. I'm usually either extremely calm are extremely anxious when any form of turbulence enters my life there has never been an in between. To be honest I genuinely think it's my diet. My body is adding to my discomfort. I have a wisdom tooth problem so I've mostly been eating tomato soup and yoghurt. Needless to say, pretty nasty.