Dear incredible fans, Thank you. It's an honor to me that you're here following my work. I haven't posted in awhile and there's complicated feels around this. On one hand there's grief, in 2017 I have attended 2 funerals, and it's been necessary for me to slow down even more so I can focus on healing and saying goodbye to loved ones. There's a lot I've had to process here, I know that my dead want me to thrive and live fully embodied as my best self. It isn't an easy thing to do though, I feel so vulnerable just blogging on here. There's guilt for not putting myself to task in regards to making content with more discipline. I can easily fall into feeling disappointed with myself, like I don't live up to the expectations of people I look up to and even people I've lost this year. My grandfather was the sort of person who always wanted to know your goals and push you to your fullest potential. He did so kindly and with great intention. I appreciate him for that, yet still deal with frustration towards the intergenerational pattern of pain that's stemmed from his incredible way of being. Holly was the sort of person who would say "fuck what anyone else thinks". Her punk attitude holds its own lessons for me about being confident. In the pursuit of full honesty, the other hand to these feels is fear. Mostly around performing on the internet, which feels like a vacuum. Maybe I need to switch the focus from the feedback I don't get to the feedback I do get. Just because I haven't received much attention yet, doesn't mean that I'm doing bad. In fact, I've really only gotten positive feedback on my work. In learning more about marketing so my audience should start to grow. Regardless, if I dwell on the lack of feedback that means I'm not appreciating the love that I am receiving. So thank you. There's a fear of charging anything for my creations: a fear that they aren't worth your money. Part of me feels so ameteur still. I am easily discouraged by the things I can't access yet, like recording studios and mixing software. (These things are coming within reach now) There's no way to control the worth that people put on my art, so it falls on me to do a lot of work just to affirm myself as a "legit artist". As a result of doing this work, I am seeing new gorgeous views that are worth more than money. I am owning these feels so I can let them go. I hear that voice, tell her "thank you for sharing" and then refocus on strengthening more affirming neural pathways. This way I can let go of these conflicting fears. It's art, what it's worth is so objective. It only gets better the more I practice making it, getting caught up in this fear hinders the quality and scratches deeper this trench of guilt. That's another feel to acknowledge and reprogram. I'm hurting and I need time to heal. It doesn't serve me to regret the past. I need to feel good about myself and how I spend my time so long as I'm not causing harm. And so I will. My family loves me for who I am, I am above their worry and disappointment. Who says that they're disappointed anyways? I'm a badass. Whether it's real or in my head, I have to feel proud of myself and what I bring at the end of the day. I must acknowledge the good work and feedback I'm getting. Even through this heartbreak, I've managed to create new songs and perform once a month. For May, I played my favorite holiday: May Day! In high school, I was inspired by the extensive history of direct action and radical organizing taken for our human rights in the name of May Day. I started organizing for immigrant rights and emceed in Spanish at Wisconsin's Capitol, the first time I ever attended a May Day. I've shown out every year since in Madison, LA, and Seattle. To finish up this tangent about my May Day feels, I'll include a link that sums up most of that up in a poem I wrote after I was arrested at an anticapitalist march on May Day 2013. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-BCIhSeg64aAwm8gPJkZ8AS_hh4HoqtKRrHff9xhLXY Enjoy! May Day 2017 was lit! I had a blast. Bypolar, the Toxic Cherub, a dope rapper and friend, pulled together a Block the Juvie block party, complete with food, live music, and cries against the trauma that is youth incarceration. The city wants to expand our youth jail facilities. They've begun remodeling on the juvie despite large public concern about institutional racism in the schools, the recidivism rates for people incarcerated at youth, the city's investment in punitive systems over exploring transformative justice, as well as the toxicity of the land they plan to dig up and the harmful effects it will have on Seattle's incarcerated youth. We gathered outside the building, making noise so that the kids know they're not forgotten and to draw attention to these issues. It was incredible to share the floor with artists I look up to in the hip hop scene, Julie C, Black Magic Noize, Poesia, and Bypolar! The music wasa perfect blend of fun and radical! Plus, I will always remember being introduced to Raz Simone’s music as he spit so much truth from the top of a van, got vulnerable about cycles of abuse and how incarceration perpetuates that, and then jumped off the car like it was no big deal! All these artists are amazing, you can check them out on the following links: Bypolar, the Toxic Cherub https://www.youtube.com/user/highgodsentertainmen Poesia https://www.poesiamariarte.com Julie C https://juliec.bandcamp.com/ Black Magic Noize https://blackmagicnoize.bandcamp.com/ Raz Simone http://razsimone.com/ I played old old faithful songs; Neoliberal Colonizers and R.B.F. and I felt so much love from the crowd! They liked me! They really liked me! Check out grassroots media coverage of the Block the Juvie party: it's going down is a dope source for radical media and they're here on Patreon! https://itsgoingdown.org/seattle-wa-anti-juvie-report-back/ A few weeks ago, I felt so legitimate as a musician because I broke and restrung the A string on my uke! I'm soooooooooooo real artist! It might sound silly, but I feel like that marks an important rite of passage for any musician! I'm hesitant to tell you what to expect, I did a little bit of that in a January post and I'm still working on the same projects. I have set goals that I'm working on and will hold myself accountable to. That's what is important. For June, I've been invited to play next week at a birthday party in a park for my punk af musically talented friend, Trash Blossom a.ka. istabcapitalists. They have videos here: https://www.youtube.com/user/AaronTheDino I'll get a video of me unveiling my #SummerGoth4eva song for the first time online! I've gotten a lot of good feedback on it already so I'm excited to share it on here!These wins are worth celebrating! I'm connected to an awesome community of artists that are doing the work, inspire me, and lift me up! I feel great about where I'm at right now and for what's ahead! And I know my feel that way, too. I will say that DISRUPT THE SATELLITES is coming sooner than later, that I'm making the stickers I've promised all you Patrons, and that I will soon be posting paid content. I hope you love it as I love you all! Thank you so much for exchanging your patronage with me! ☠️🖤☠️🖤☠️ the sissy bas “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory… that is within us.” -Marianne Williamson
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