Leveling up daily

[vespashley]

It’s been a while. 

I’ve spent a lot of time slipping into old habits. Very American diet- Kind bars, lots of cocktails, pizza, nothing too crazy but nothing my metabolism could really keep up with. The stress of a family tradgety and my search for peace and comfort led me down the path over overeating, making bad food choices and even sometimes bingeing. This path of weight gain effected my desire for exersize as the aches and pain of the weight on top of the chronic lyme symptoms was too much on top of my hectic work schedule and lack of sleep.

I’m ready to get back on track. I’m taking the time needed to realign myself with my goals and values, making a plan and taking action. A great benifit for motivation and reward is that after these 90 days, I’ll have a beach vacation to go to with a dear friend. If the health, happiness and financial rewards weren’t enough I also will be getting into a swim suit in the middle of winter in paradise. I have all the tools, I have the money, I’m even going to have the time with the new push goal of my new morning routine.

Part of my new practice will be this blog. Hopefully I can share somethings that would be useful to anyone else experiencing the same up and downs. I have high hopes that the 90 day push journal will be an added catylist to the situation at hand.

#10crazycoolgoals #90daypushjournal #health #weightloss #30poundstogo

[vespashley]

I’ve done it again.

I’ve said “Oh, I’ll indulge I can fix this another day. Give me that big portion of something that should never be on my plate in the first place.”

And here I sit, larger than the last time I said I would never let things get this out of control again.

It’ true that will power doesn’t really work and I should truely read that book as I’ve heard the author on a podcast and he seemed brilliant.

Will power is exausted so incredibly quickly especially when you’re just plain tired from life. What I need now is a structure filled with habbits and plans that will lead me to the end goal. Like bumpers in bowling. That no matter what lead me to the same place no matter how weak my throw.

[vespashley]

It’s been a week.                                                                                  (2/4)

7 days ago I made a chart. Complete with unflattering pictures of me in my underwear with no makeup and a messy post barre bun. I printed them out and hung them next to the daily health steps I need to take to get my health on track. Left myself room to check them off (hello mini hits of dopamine) and above all of this I taped this picture up.

I’ve had this picture in my phone for years. I like the way she looks. I love the beach. It looks like freedom. Freedom from the extra pounds, freedom to not spend half my life obsessing over this area in my life, freedom to have time off to enjoy the shore, freedom to let your hair down and to let the curves spill right out the sides of a bathing suit, freedom from embarassment, freedom to just be. She’s not my life’s rolemodel but this image spoke to me loudly and still does.

I ate salads, green smoothies, chicken breast, broccoli, eggs, lentils and spinach all week. I dropped 4 pounds if I average what the scale had to say today.

I’m happy. All the check marks, feeling a little lighter and knowing I’m on my way to my own version of freedom feels really good. I’m a little remorseful that I will need to wipe off all the check marks I worked so hard for this week and start a new but it’s for the best and I’m glad I know what I have to do.

[vespashley]

Views

So today was a tough day for me. I learned that the surgery I spent 1/10th of my yearly salary on for my puppy was unsuccessful. Subjecting my dog to a invasive surgery, 8 weeks of rough recovery, extra pain and financial strain for me. The next options are another 20% of my salary or amputation of my puppy’s leg. I didn’t deal with this well, (looking back a total of 4 hours ago.) I cried in the vet office. Although, I was nice to the surgeon who had preformed the surgery who was himself upset, apologetic and humble about the whole thing. I was nice to everyone in the office and held the actual sobbing until I got to my car. Once in the car I let it flow. This is what I’ve always done. I was taught that to suppress emotions was a bad thing. But to cry for hours? What good does that do? I’m not sure where the cut off for my wallowing should’ve been but I’m sure I surpassed it.

I texted people close to me about my dismay. I don’t know what I really wanted from them. Sympathy? Support? Jokes? A hug? (I defiantly really wanted a hug so badly.) Everyone was very nice and it wasn’t a hug, but it was something. Looking back- why did I feel the need to reach out? I’m a grown woman. Surely I could deal with this without alerting my squad. Plus, it’s negative news. And I had already reached out when I learned I first had to do the surgery a month ago. Viewing this from another perspective maybe it’s selfish of me to divulge my life to others (as I’m doing right now I am aware.) I’m literally interrupting someone’s day to air my grievences. How many times are you actually allowed to do this to people? Is it ever ok? Was I wrong to do this? I’m not certain if it’s right or wrong but I do believe there’s a measurement of selfishness there and I should really be less selfish.

I’m going to make an effort to text out some funny stuff or things that someone might at least enjoy rather than airing my dirty laundry and complaints of the day. And these people that were there for me- the ones who gave me as close to a hug as I could get in the moment, I need to make sure to do well being there for them as well. I was so focused on not stress eating (which is my go to) that I wanted support but I have to learn to find that in myself.

It’s no one else’s job to support me. Besides my own.

Hindsight is 20/20 but it’s a start to being more self aware.

[vespashley]

Different Story, Different Day

So, I’m for sure one of those people that believes you are what you eat, what you read, what you listen to, what you allow. You attract what you put out. I’m a non fiction reader and I like to read nutrition and business as those are my areas of my life I’m striving at.

I picked up The Four Hour Body book by Tim Ferris. He’s basically a productivity genius so I was excited to get right into the reading. At this point I’m only 25% of the way through the book but he starts out by talking about how measurement is key to track success and being real about where you are and what you are doing is key. Lots on that for sure. But it struck me that I should take before photos as I start his program (which isn’t that complicated just slow carb and MED exercise which I already participate in through my Pure Barre addiction.)

So as instructed I got a volunteer to take pics of me in my underwear, no make up, no posing, no sucking it in or leaning certain ways, or having the camera angle point downward. No funny business. Just head on straight on jail style full body mostly naked pics. When I grabbed the camera to check myself out I was truly shocked as to what I looked like.

How could I be so shocked? Don’t I see myself everyday? I don’t avoid the mirror. I do know about my size and cellulite and what fits and doesn’t. I know my waist measurement, in fact I could probably rifle all my numbers off right now. Seeing how my body looked in these photos is by far the biggest motivator I’ve ever had but it’s concerning to me how unaware I was about the way my body looks. It makes me wonder how oblivious and not self aware I am in my everyday life.

Not only will this journey make me certainly healthier and happier but I am determined to be more self aware. Along with studying business and nutrition I will be trying to learn more on the subject of self awareness and mindfulness. I might need to slow down a little more and spend more time in the quiet and by myself to gain these skills, but I’m ready to do that as I think it’s imperative to be a good human to posess self awareness. Not to mention I wouldn’t be in this weightless journey if I had had those skills to begin with.

I usually feel like I’m “restarting” or “starting over” every time I start a new diet or regimen. And I tend to beat myself up about how if I didn’t quit I wouldn’t have to start over. Today, I’m not starting over. Have I gone off the wagon since I started this tumblr? Yea a little, but I’m certainly on the same road and I defiantly think self awareness is the key to the door that has seemed to be locked these past years.

[vespashley]

2 weeks to get real

I’m supposed to be on another challenge. And every day I allow myself to fail. Well, not every day, but most days. 

I wake up feeling full still, sluggish and bloated. I think back to the prior day to see what the cause is and it’s clear I was off track. 

I haven’t been logging my food intake. Probably cause it’s painful to actually take responsibility for how much or how many things I ate that day. 

But I’m steadfast today that I will not end this challenge less healthy than I started. The holidays are tough. No need to make them tougher by eating like a maniac. 

[befitdriven]

Troubled by credit card debt? We can help!

[vespashley]

Ready to get real again.

If I didn’t quit I wouldn’t have to start over.

[vespashley]

On the edge

I felt it. I was teetering between a backslide or moving forward. I defiantly stumbled, and stepped directly backward in my health journey this month. I knew it even before the digital numbers on the scale appeared. I could feel it and I knew it while I was at those social gatherings indulging. 

Luckily, I could feel it. I noticed. I took responsibility and I fully acknowledged it and decided to move forward and quit stepping backwards. A stumble here and there, a pause, but no deliberate steps backward.

I’m finally at the point where I’m getting compliments. “You lost weight!”  “I love your dress!” “You look great!” Even my husband has resorted to calling me “barre butt” as a nickname. He has no idea how much I love that silly name and I’ll never admit that to him. But really, the feed back and cheer leaders in my life help my resolve so much. 

Why would I want to throw that all away? People are routing for me! No need for me to be on the edge, although I’m sure I will end up back there eventually but for now I want to just move forward.

I’m 15 pounds down since I started this blog. This self indulgent diary of sorts. I want to loose another 20. Not gain back the 15 I worked so hard to loose. 

I’m on the edge of loosing more weight and gaining more health now.

[vespashley]

Post Challenge thoughts (7/12)

The challenge is complete. (Phase one that is!)

I lost 10 pounds of fat, have cut cravings (for the most part) and adopted a better routine. Taking these 5 weeks to fully (as much as possible) focus on being a healthier version of me has definitely paid off and it will continue to. I won a coaching package with the challenge leader and I’m so tired of logging my food and focusing on portions but it has to be done. So it’s a blessing in disguse.

It’s time  to refocus and bust through this soon to be stagnant stage that I always hit, get frustrated, then eventually put back on every single pound I worked to release and then some (historically speaking).

People say you need a why. A why, a reason for your hustle, a reason for your goal. I have so many, but only 2 are truly imperative.

Health -- more time on the planet to live.

Time/freedom -- not struggling with my weight will allow time for other goals, focus for building wealth, building relationships, exploring parts of life I can’t even see yet because I’m so busy with this particular struggle.

Life is short. time and health are the most important things. They are the only resources you cannot gain back. The only things that will give you options for your life.

Today marks the beginning of the next 5 weeks. There will be sacrifice but I’m ready. I’m ready for a better life.

[vespashley]

Quitters Sometimes Prosper

I remember it like it was yesterday. Although I was 18 at the time. I was sitting with a coffee, after some indulgent meal, getting ready to smoke my beloved post meal cigarette. 

But first a little background on my love affair with the cancer stick.

I started out a social smoker. Hanging out with people that smoked, in jobs where you really only got a break if you smoked. The act itself seemed just a touch dangerous and rebellious, being sneaky, having to score cigarettes, it was a game and that was exciting to me. I ADORED the physical feeling of the first few inhales. Getting dizzy, feeling oh so light headed and passing my Newport over to whichever girl I loved at that particular time (there were many.)

It started to become a part of my life. I loved an ice coffee and a cigarette, it was my absolute favorite. I loved to drive and smoke, the mix of fresh air, smoke, the breeze whizzing past as I drove too fast. Going to the skate park and smoking with friends. Getting those breaks at the restaurants I worked at and flirting with the dish rats. Having a great excuse to socialize outside. I was a part of a little social subdivision. I could easily skip meals and wear tighter things with my beloved Newports. Just so many benefits why would I ever stop? I was still young  and enjoying all of this when I started to get older and my brain turned back on. My cute, fun social habit was actually becoming an addiction.

So back to the top. I was sitting at the table, I had a unopened pack and a pack with only a few cigerettes already consumed. I had my ice coffee next to me and my lighter, which I had named “old dependable.” I was happy until my brain finally clicked over. My boyfriend was talking about his mother, stating if she had cancer she’d probably still smoke. And he had a sad expression while stating this probably true theory. I pictured her, whipsy hair, aged skin and anxious demeanor, not someone I want to emulate whatsoever. I knew she was so addicted that my boyfriend was most likely right and still believe her habit will most likely kill her. It hit me really hard, in my soul. In that very moment I decided that that couldn’t be me. Addiction isn’t something I ever planned on. I was just trying to dabble and it admittedly went way too far. 

I decided in that moment I would never smoke again. I stood up and said it out loud. My boyfriend reacted by putting his hands up and said, “babe, I wasn’t talking about you!” He really never once complained about my smoking our whole relationship. Never. But it really was his statement that hit me. As I’m standing there I replied that I knew he wasn’t saying it to me but it didn’t matter. I had made a decision. I refused to end up like his mother. I picked up my pack and broke them all in half. Then I opened the unopened pack and I broke them all in half as well and I dropped them all in the trash can. I said, “that’s it.” And I meant it.

It was a horrible month. I had withdrawals. I missed smoking socially. I hated that I had failed at dabbling with an addictive substance. That week I was literally walking into walls and crying so much. I had to stay at my boyfriend’s apartment because there was no way my mother (who had no idea I smoked) wouldn’t be concerned at my state of withdrawal. It still stings when girl friends go out to smoke when we are at a bar. That sting will never go away I think. It’s been 13 years and I will never smoke again but I still dream about it. And in my dream I get that first inhale dizzy feeling, which was my favorite.

I’m reminded all of this today. I was prepping food for an event. Pudding shots to be precise. Sugar, dairy and alcohol. Not exactly health foods. I’m making them and I wasn’t planning on eating them. They are to bring to a party. But after they are all prepped I put them in the fridge and I decide to lick the bowl. (Beyond unnecessary.)  The sugar hits my tongue and I literally feel the dopamine in my brain release. I’ve done a lot of research on this topic and I knew it when it happened. I felt it, and it felt good. That pleasure center would’ve been LIT UP if I had been connected to a brain scan. I went for more licks of the bowl and suddenly felt disgusted. I felt like an animal, just bending to my carnal urges. I realized I’m again participating in addictive behavior. This is quite a lot more complicated than just not smoking any more but I felt my brain realize this immediately and I went for a good walk after to sort through my thoughts and burn off that glycogen.

I loved smoking, and I still quit. My neurotransmitters where damaged before and required rewiring. They are damaged again, and again require rewiring. Remembering that I successfully quit an addiction before at least bring some comfort. I am stronger than I think. I know it.

[vespashley]

Pre Challenge Thoughts

I’ve always loved fitness, but I’ve also almost always loved food more. My weight has continuously prevented me from achieving the levels of fitness I have always aspired to. Even as a young relatively small gymnast, my thicker body prevented me from being as long, graceful and airborne than my team mates that were a bit more slight.

Gymnastics was the first love of my life, but not making it into the upper ranks was such a failure to me that I kind of stopped trying to achieve amazing things with my body as I didn’t want to feel the terrible sting of what I imagined to be “failure” yet again. 

I’ve always been a gym rat, off and on. I’ve never hated to work out. Only given it up due to time and physical pain (from lyme disease.)  It’s my best anti depression medicine minus a beach day, but that’s a different post. I love the stair climber (and hate it,) love mat work, I’m a fiend for pilates, spin class, turbo jam dvds, yoga ect. but never reignited my love affair/addiction to working out until I discovered Pure Barre. It’s the closest I’ll likely get back to my gymnastics conditioning routine with this older body, spine, back and tendons. 

So I love fitness. That’s the easier part for me. I’m no athlete or really even resemble someone that you would even fathom works out. I’m technically obese. Not due to soda, or laying on the couch stuffing my face with doritos, fried food, or spending the weekends watching movies or most of the things classically correlated with obesity in America. I’m obese mainly due to over eating in general, (mainly pretty healthy foods) not packaged low fat crap. I’m talking avocados, eggs, cheese, roasted veggies, meat, whole grains ect. I don’t even keep bread in my house. Do I grab a pizza sometimes? The occasional weekend bagel? Tons of wine? Yes! For sure! My diet needs work but I’m not eating the SAD (Standard American Diet) by any means.

I love fitness but I’ve always loved FOOD way more. I’ve admittedly used it to celebrate, love, take comfort, sooth pain, sooth moods, handle stress, handle lack of sleep and a myriad of other personal issues. I’ve known this for a long time but basically decided to ignore it and say, “I’ll start Monday”. Well I’ve been saying that for 7 years. I’ve been carrying around 40 pounds for 6 years I don’t need, with the promise of change “Maybe Monday.” Well, Monday is here! (Not really, it’s Wednesday.) 

 I’ve now been attending Pure barre for close to 9 months and I’m still the same size. Imagine working out nearly every day and looking the same? I don’t have to imagine cause I’m living it. There are lots of muscles developed under my fat but nothing for anyone to see. The pool opens this weekend and the thought of a bathing suit is not one that puts a smile on my face. So I’ve researched how I want to approach my food issues and I’m starting today even though the challenge isn’t until June 1.

My approach will include 80oz of water a daily, closing down most of the pleasure centers for food, (fat, sugar, salt) and fueling my body, instead of soothing it.  Celebrating or soothing with exercise, writing or anything else that pushes me toward my goals instead of away from them. Keeping it real, logging/tracking my nutrition, progress and exercise and making sleep a top priority.

I do realize this blog is a bit self indulgent. I do appreciate the ability to put my thoughts out there though. Better to indulge this way instead of - well, you know. :)

[vespashley]

Pure fuel challenge starting June 1

#purebarre #fitfam 

[vespashley]

Thinking this detox could save my life.