It feels really wierd to be in such a transitional phase of life. I always wish it was just done and we could just teleport to the other side in the future when everything is settled.
Maybe one day I’ll miss these days. But man my weeks are so long. School full time - truly 7 hours a day. And then the shop , not just as an artist with my own clientele to take care of, but as a shop owner, with 7 other artists needs to consider. Along with the facilities needs to consider. They are long days when I have work and school. Leaving the house at 7 AM and getting home around 11 PM.
This isn’t even counting my side projects - my bolo tie making business. It revenues 2 - 3k / mo and it feels like a part time job in itself. I spend at least 2 hours a day working on that stuff - making the product, listing it, packaging it etc. that money it generates has saved me from big surprise expenses more times than I can count. I needed new tires this week, $600 from that account. It feels like these kinds of things are always popping up so I can’t just leave that money on the table.
My side project that feels like it gets last priority in this pecking order is my physical self. My body and my workout regiments. I am running maybe twice a week if I’m lucky these days 😔 I am really trying to catch up with that, because it gives me a layer of confidence I love having in my life.
I am really glad for therapy finally feeling like it’s helping, it’s really helping me remember that I’m handling a lot. It’s very tempting to feel sorry for myself and be frustrated by everything I’m not accomplishing. But remind myself that I am building towards bigger goals. They take time and I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing.
We’re getting really close to my shops lease ending. Me and R are still negotiating selling her my half. I feel tense about this huge change and relieved aswell. The shop has been an incredibly toxic environment for me these last 4 years. While I’m very happy for what was accomplished, it didn’t turn out like I had hoped. I had so many more goals and wanted so much more for the shops growth. But owning in a partnership means lots of compromise and I feel I gave up on it years ago. It doesn’t feel like it’s mine anymore and it stopped feeling that way for years at this point. I’m fulfilling my promises and keeping up with the responsibilities I signed up for, it does make me happy to at least know I always did what I said I would. I followed thru and tried my very very best not to drop the ball. As much invisible labor it takes to run a household, running an operating shop with 8 artists is very similar. I wanted us to have a lot more community involvement, I know we have flash days but those feel more transactional. Since the shop attracts so many people on the fringes, I thought it would be nice to host events or workshops that were more focused on artistic activities like figure drawing workshops or crafting workshops. Sure we could still make some money but the point for that was really to be able to connect with people by having an activity to do and create together. I wanted us to be present for art walks and markets to get our name out there and not just be known in our niche bubble. I wanted to have at least one trip a year with the artists to have time outside of the shop to bond, in a way at that inclusive to everyone so no one feels left out or feels cliquey. I wanted our world to feel bigger. It’s bittersweet to leave but I know I need the push. Something I will look back on and be glad I did. I know it’s holding me back, to be this shell of myself whenever I’m there. I don’t like who I have to be there. With so many people who love to gossip, I’m naturally going to be much quieter and keep most of my opinions to myself. That’s not who I am. When I’m with my friends and people I’m comfortable with, they see a whole other side of me that I feel is the real me. A person who is silly and makes you laugh.
Moving into another world with electrical and school feels like a clean slate. I’ve made my whole class bust out laughing at times. It’s been really validating to see that it’s really the environment that has played this huge part in what I’ve become these last few years. I thought I could compartmentalize it , but it really affected me whether I let it or not.
Now I’m facing my next big decisions , with the WINTER pre apprentice sleepaway program. I’ll have to write more about this later I’m running late to the shop for my appt today. I’ve really loved looking back at my old entries and seeing into my old inner world to remind myself that growth does happen. At the time, my old problems were my whole world. It’s good to remember all the things pass and work themselves out, even if it’s not clear right away. What I’m going through now will pass too, so I’m going to be here to document much more of it.
Future me is going to look back at this and laugh I hope. So far I’ve gotten almost everything I’ve wanted out of life. That’s not to say there haven’t been challenges , but I can trust myself more. I can trust in my abilities to take care of myself and make good decisions. All I want is a financially independent life and I want to focus on moving on. I’m doing my very best to build towards all those foundation.
