❛ don't have a lot left, just anger, and something to prove.

[vincentportxr]

emmaportxr‌:

Normally, Emma would joke around with Vincent - something that was repeatedly only funny to her. But she never tried being quiet around him. Unless she had her headphones in and was baking or following YouTube workout videos in the living room with her laptop connected through the HDMI cord. This time, she thought, I’ll just exist in the same space. Maybe that’ll make things easier. “Alright.” She responded calmly and almost sleepily. She had no idea what Vincent was even doing before she got in there but there were times when she wondered if all he ever did was just sit on his bed and stare at the wall. 

It would be a lie to say that the quiet wasn’t unnerving, which that in itself was a strange feeling because all he ever wanted was for everything to be quiet. But with Emma being around he had associated it with intrusive questions or mindless words that just played in his head as constant sound. Yet, despite the strange occurrence Vincent wasn’t about to complain and just let this play out for however long it did. So, he continued to stare ahead and take sips of his drinks just waiting for the silence to break because he knew better than to think it would last. 

[vincentportxr]

emmaportxr‌:

Emma gave him a look that could only say ‘really?’ “Maybe if you just shut up a second, I wouldn’t have anything to respond to,” She grinned mischievously, “I really didn’t come in here to ask you anything. I just wanted to exist in the same space as you.” After taking a sip of her beer she looked straight ahead, taking deep breaths and allowing herself to swim in the silence. “If you don’t like the way I love you, I’ll have to love you the way you’d love to be loved.”

Quite honestly, he wanted to leave, but he stayed pressed against the wall and sipped on the beer held in his hand trying to exist as if Emma wasn’t there. It was difficult to be around her in a way that it shouldn’t be, he cared about his sister, but every time she was around all he could think about was how much he was failing her. She deserved better than he was capable of being. He knew that he wasn’t easy to be around and that she felt like she needed to look after him. “Don’t be philosophical or whatever that is.” He muttered, staring ahead at the wall across from him, at the hole in his wall that he didn’t remember being there. 

[vincentportxr]

emmaportxr‌:

Yes. Success. To be really honest, Emma never understood just what she had done to push Vincent away in the first place but figured it had to be something along the lines of wanting autonomy. She had done the same thing with their parents a few years ago, pushing her mother away. Although frankly, she didn’t need to push her mother away for her to stay away. Regardless, she felt like she only had Vincent and hoped that eventually he would feel the same. 

She opened the door cautiously, unsure of any possible laundry piles in the way of the door’s circumference. “If it makes you feel better, I brought beer.” She showed the bottles off like they were a prized possession in the house. In actuality, there was never a shortage of alcohol in the Porter household. Her mother used to stock bottles in almost every closet in the house. 

Emma slumped down on the bed next to him, one beer making it’s way between her legs as a makeshift cup holder. She twisted off the other beer’s top and offered it to Vincent. “We don’t have to talk or anything, I just wanted to spend some time with you.”

As Emma made herself at home on his bed he insensitively found himself moving over, almost pressed up against the wall his bed was pushed up against. For as long as he could remember he never liked people being in his space; could never get used to how easily Reese and his sister would just sit close or sling an arm over his shoulder. Maybe anyone else would say it was from the lack of affection he was given in his growing years but Vincent wasn’t one to over analyze his up bringing or get down to the cause of all his “quirks”. “Why do I find that hard to believe?” He asked rolling his eyes. 

He knew his sister only meant well, she always was. That’s just the kind of person she was which never failed to surprise him; how differently they both turned out. One fostering so much love and would do anything to help the people she cared about and well, one who was only capable of anger. Of ruining everything good in his life. “Every time you come here I feel like I’m about to be interrogated.” 

[emmaportxr]

With the curl of her hand, Emma gave her brother’s door a ginger knock. In her other hand she held two beer bottles between her fingers. She leaned against the door frame, patiently waiting for some sort of reply. “Got a sec?”  

[vincentportxr]

Despite the simple fact that Vincent had been doing nothing, and would continue to do nothing in the following hours, there was still the strong impulse to tell Emma he was busy. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to spend time with his sister but it was more that he just wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. “Do I really have a choice?” Vincent grumbled, loud enough to be heard, “Fine. Whatever. Come in.” 

[edmundmystery]

Bummer

[vincentportxr]

edmundmystery‌:

The tenseness was unmistakably there, like an electric field where it would send currents through your body if you hit a string. Where one wrong move would knock you to the ground and put weight on your back in the hope you’d never get up again. Where your ribs would crack by your own weight and you’d be stuck helplessly on the ground. Edmund learned to get up through the pain, learned how to adapt through the pain and to wear a mask in order to hide the pain. But now that mask was gone. And in his eyes, he reflected the sorrow Vincent was showing him, the guilt and perhaps even the shame. The shame of not knowing was normal to him, after all - Edmund had done everything to keep this from Reese and Vincent, to keep this from his family. He was slowly dying he knew. But not yet, he had still things to do, he still had dreams he still wanted-

what? Vincent? 

Yes, in a way that was true. He wanted to be loved by him, but there was a chance of losing him because of these feelings. He could only stare at him for a while.

Drip. Drip. Drip. It was a feeling like water droplets were falling into a bucket. Drip Drip Drip Drip. And then it happened, the bucket had reached its limit and the despair took over.

“How can you even say that! You don’t understand anything, Vincent! You don’t understand anything-” Tears started to well in Edmund’s eyes and he had to place his hands in front of them to cover his face. “You don’t understand how much I like you - You don’t know what it’s like to keep wishing what it would be like if we were more than just best friends. You don’t know what it’s like to be afraid of losing the one person that keeps you going right now do you?”

“I like you, Vincent, I have been liking you for years. Why did you think Reese introduced you to me in the first place, she knew!”

@vincentpxrter​

The words hurt; more than any punch ever could. Vincent thought he knew pain, the kind that lingered longer than any bruise or scar ever could, the emotional pain that never really left or would sneak up on you when you weren’t expecting it. He lived with it. He lasted years letting that kind of pain fester but this? This hurt. It hurt because he understood it far more than Edmund could ever understand. It hurt because he was still reeling from the reveal that had preceded it. 

And he was scared. 

Terrified. 

He wasn’t ready to spill his heart, to let every confession and dream he had, spill to the very person that had occupied his thoughts and dreams for so long. Despite imagining what it would be like to tell Edmund how he felt he never even in the slightest imagined that his friend would feel the same. Why would he? Edmund deserved far better than Vincent could ever give him. And yet here he stood with the other boy saying things he never could even dream of and instead of feeling overjoyed it felt hurt. 

Edmund was wrong, he could understand. He spent so long wishing he could tell him how he felt, to be more than friends; to be able to reach out and take his hand in his. How when they’d spend time together Vincent would spend much of his time staring at Edmund when he wasn’t looking with fondness; a fondness he himself didn’t think he was capable of. The truth of it was that even if Edmund didn’t realize it the boy brought out a side of himself that he hadn’t been aware of. A side of himself that selfishly wanted to be with another person (a boy who longed for isolation wanting nothing more to spend his days with another), a side where he felt himself feel soft; his hands not wanting to destroy but to hold another. 

He also understood the fear of losing someone who meant the world to him. A fear that he had been holding close since the moment he started realizing the sudden shift from annoyance to fondness. When he stopped thinking of Edmund as an annoyance and of someone who he greatly cared for because with the sudden shift came the fear and doubts. He feared that Edmund would realize that he deserved better than a friend who only ever caused pain; that one of these days when Edmund was pulling him out of another fight he’d give up on Vincent. 

And yet, Vincent didn’t know how to say any of this. He couldn’t figure out how to muster the words that needed to be said. Instead he found himself staring blankly at the other boy trying to will himself to do something; to say anything. 

He wished to say something profound, something that really captured what he felt but he had never been good with words had he? No, which is why even if he hated himself for it what came out instead was, “No.” 

It was stupid and he quickly tried to make up for it with all his words tumbling out into one giant mess. 

“You’re wrong! God Edmund. You don’t even know how wrong all of that is. All I ever wanted was to hear those words, that you liked me. It hurt holding all these feelings thinking they’d never be returned because how could you? You’re you, this amazing and kind person and I’m me. You deserve the world so I never said anything, couldn’t say anything, because I never want to lose you. Even if I could only have you as a friend.” 

[edmundmystery]

Bummer

[vincentportxr]

edmundmystery‌:

Once again: tw suicidal thoughts, tw suicidal attempt, tw self-harm

Keep reading

tw: mentions of suicidal themes

All at once the atmosphere felt charged like at any second the slightest movement would cause everything to explode and all Vincent could do was stay motionless while his mind was running in circles. It was hard not to feel guilty. Edmund was his friend, no his best friend, and all this time he was suffering while Vincent was off in his own world causing fights and dreaming about things he could never have. How selfish of him and it made him wonder that if he missed all this while his friend was right there, what had he missed with Reese? Were there warning signs present before she disappeared? He never thought a lot of himself but how could he call himself a friend when he felt like he was letting down all the people he had ever cared about? 

His dad was right, all he would ever be was a failure. 

He had never been good at talking about the serious things; of knowing what to do in these situations and his mind came up empty. What could he say or do? What did his friend need in this moment? He wanted to reach out and hug him, to provide comfort, but like most things it didn’t come naturally he felt himself second guessing it, scared to do something wrong. 

“I..” Vincent started trying to get the words out, “I can’t speak for your parents but you’d never lose me.” He hoped that Edmund could hear the sincerity in his words because he meant every single word. “But Edmund..” He felt his voice give out full of fear and sadness as he reached out for his friends hand, “You can’t keep hurting yourself. You deserve better and if your parents can’t understand that this is destroying you than they don’t deserve you. It’s your life and it’s special, you’re special, and their happiness isn’t and will never be worth your life.” 

[edmundmystery]

Bummer

[vincentportxr]

edmundmystery‌:

trigger warning: Mentions of self-harm and depression

Keep reading

‘ We only have each other now. ‘

Edmund’s words were bittersweet. He wanted nothing more than to focus on how at first the words had made him feel warm, like a comforting blanket on a cold night, because they have each other. That no matter what he had someone solid to lean on. However, like everything else in his life nothing good could ever last and that once warm feeling had turned bitter; like a chill settling deep in his bones because they only have each other. That there was this glaring empty spot because Reese wasn’t there and he was scared that she never would be again. He wanted to close his eyes and replay this moment that was happening but in a world where Reese was in the distance; doing whatever it is she does, laughing in the background unaware that Vincent’s whole world is shifting on it’s axis. 

"It’s your life Edmund. It’s yours. No one else’s.” Vincent stated with conviction hoping that the other boy would hear his words, really hear them, for what they were. “You shouldn’t let other people take those choices from you. Not even me.” When he looked at him he saw this boy full of dreams, this light around him, the dimmed the longer he continued on the path of pleasing others. Even if that meant that one day he’d be left behind but perhaps it would be better.  After all, nothing in his life could flourish all he did was destroy. That was a fact that he would never be able to forget. “Unless you want to spend your days pulling me from fights.” He added with a shrug, as if trying to rectify the words he said; as if he wasn’t terrified of a life without Edmund in it. 

[edmundmystery]

Bummer

[vincentportxr]

oedmundmystery‌:

If only he could offer Vincent the strength he truly needed. The type of strength that could take away the anger. He could feel the trembling through his hold, and quietly felt his heartbreak because Vincent deserved better. If only Vincent knew that he had been the light in the dark days, and he didn’t have to do anything special. He just had to be near. He remained quiet because he knew that sometimes it was better to not say anything at all. He’d never hurt him, Edmund was aware of this. He didn’t have it in his heart to willingly hurt someone. His hands were not build to protect or to hurt, they were there to ease the sorrow of others while being incapable of easing his own sorrows and dark thoughts. He could talk about it with Reese but he didn’t think he’d ever could tell this to Vincent. Not because he couldn’t trust him, but because he was afraid Vincent would understand. That scared him. 

It seemed like Vincent was oblivious to the fact that Edmund didn’t expect a reply. He didn’t desire words, the quiet was easier today. He, however, couldn’t forget his hand holding Vincent, and he hoped his heartbeat wouldn’t pulse through. Shame. That was what he should be feeling right now, right? Shame?  Yet why was it that his hand fit so perfectly in Vincent’s, and why had he never noticed it before. A soft laugh escaped his lips, but a wave of sadness lingered. “You are right about that.” It wouldn’t be terrible to be lost somewhere with Vincent. Away from the parents that only cared about their own selfish needs. No longer the pressure of taking over the family business, being able to talk about the things he loved with the person he…

Liked.

He sighed, his mind was really being torturous today. “As long as we both can manage.” The night would soon be cold, and depending on it, they would carry homewards again if only to get some warmth. Though that was only what the house offered him, food and warmth. Never what both boys so deeply deserved, truly being cared for. “We can, I have no intention to go home just yet.”

@vincentpxrter​

“Good thing I have practice.” He stated easily, referring to all the times he’d find himself driving away from home, and this town that often felt like a curse, putting as much distance as he could. He’d drive until he was low on gas or until he felt at ease; or rather as at ease as a boy made out of anger could be. He’d stay away as long as he could until his guilt sunk in for leaving Emma alone with nothing but her worries of where he was or until someone told him to come back. He never really knew what he was running from just that he was running. Maybe it was from the memories that haunted him, the ghost of a girl who may not even be dead, or worse: trying to run from himself.  

After all, when it came down to it all his fears and anger stemmed back to himself. The fear of how far he could go without even realizing until the damage was already done. How no matter what set him off the anger would always rear it’s ugly head for a second appearance long after the incident; when he was left alone with only himself. Where all that leftover anger would be directed at himself; for being who he was. For harboring a monster within; a monster made of only hatred (at everyone), guilt (for making the ones he cared about suffer, and one he didn’t ever like to admit: sadness. 

“Do you ever just want to runaway?” Vincent questioned, one that made him think of Reese and all her games and questions; the way she’d love imaging crazy scenarios and just for a moment pretend it was real. “Just leave everything and everyone behind.” But not you. He left unsaid, scared to speak them aloud and make them real because when it came down to it there were very few attachments the boy held to this town (could count them on one hand) and Edmund was one of them. He was far more important than Vincent would ever show. 

[edmundmystery]

Bummer

[vincentportxr]

edmundmystery‌:

Edmund knew about Vincent losing control, but he didn’t fear him. He didn’t fear the emotions that could overcome his friend like a whirlwind and drag everyone towards him to destroy everything that came within his reach. But never could he fear Vincent. Not even if his skin would tear, his eyes would end with a black eye and his skin turn from blue to purple to yellow to normal again. Physical pain was temporary. He wouldn’t say how he knew of such a thing because he believed nothing could stop Vincent if he ever found out about the bruises and scars he carried with him. Edmund was just as broken as vincent was, but instead of anger, it was a ringing sadness that never truly left. A depression the doctors had called it, yet he had refused to take any medication for it. He was fine.

But he wasn’t.

If vincent was the Torns then Edmund was the weed that couldn’t become a flower, to begin with. That didn’t get enough light or was made incapable to reach to the sun. He was surounded by people that cared for him, or at least pretended they did. It scared him. It scared him so much that all of this, was nothing more than a lie. He needed Reese to secure him, to tell him it was all in his head but Reese was gone. And in some moments, moments he least expected that pain of her missing wrapped him up like a blanket and suffocated him. For a moment, so briefly, he couldn’t even look at Vincent. He was disgusted with himself. He had to shake the feeling off, he had to breathe.

To hell with it. He knew Vincent would say something if he minded something, so his hand slipped into his, trembling and wondering if it was crossing a line. And what should he do when he crossed the line that shouldn’t be crossed, would he be alone again? “Let’s just wander without a goal, I know this place by heart, we won’t get lost.” He promised. 

@vincentpxrter​

One moment he was willing his hands and thoughts to be still, begging to not make his feelings known, and the next Edmund’s hand was intertwined with his. It was almost too much for him to comprehend, to distinguish that this was actually happening and not just a figment of his own mind running wild. It was really just a simple gesture that was so foreign to him: it wasn’t the harsh and brutal impact of one too many fists meeting his face, it wasn’t hands connecting with his shoulders only to push him with the intent to hurt. Yet, it startled him because of how simple it was and how it’s intent was not to harm. It was more like all the times Reese would grab his wrist to pull him along to wherever she intended him to go despite his own protests; that weren’t all that direct as he never put up much of a fight and just let her pull him along. However, this time it was different because it was Edmund. 

It took his brain a minute to comprehend that he was supposed to use his words and reply but instead he just nodded and kept his hand intertwined with Edmund’s. As they walked along he looked over at his friend wondering what was going on in his thoughts. It was something he found himself doing far more often than he’d like to admit. Not that he ever had even the slightest idea and instead would just furrow his eyebrows in thought until he moved on. “Wouldn’t be the worst thing if we got lost.” He stated, with nothing but honesty. The thought of being far from the town that often felt stifling was comforting; to be away from the house that never felt like a home, just walls containing all the memories he’d rather forget. It was the reason he often found himself disappearing on his own for a day or two, needing to put as much distance between himself and that place as he could. Every where he looked made the anger bubble up as several memories would replay themselves. It’s why he liked being away and with the people that made him feel comfortable in a way home never did. “How long can you stay out?” He questioned, when what he really wanted to ask was ‘Can we just stay away, just the two of us for as long as possible?’ because it was the only times he ever felt himself. 

[edmundmystery]

Bummer

[vincentportxr]

edmundmystery‌:

There were times where Edmund wished he could read minds, how he wondered how people truly thought of him. In a way, he was afraid when Reese left his friends would too. He believed Vincent would be the first to leave. It wasn’t that he doubted their friendship, that certainly wasn’t the case. But Reese was the one who kept everyone together, there had been moments where he feared that he’d end up alone again simply because Reese no longer was here. And a big part of him wanted Vincent to stay. 

Because he trusted him.

Vincent was someone who was quite tricky to understand, especially the anger that welled up from time to time. Edmund never got upset because of it, he didn’t mind the roughness that captivated his friend. Someday, when he was brave enough, he’d tell Vince exactly that. That day however undoubtly wouldn’t be today. Because where Vincent was a strong guy, one that couldn’t turn down a fight if the wrong buttons were pressed, Edmund was a coward. 

He was a coward to his parents, his dreams and now to his feelings.

He nodded. “Alright, let’s go.” He became quiet, hoping that the air would give him answers to the same questions he been asking himself every day. 

How can I be brave?

@vincentpxrter​

He was no stranger to losing control. Feeling a spiral of emotions take over until he no longer felt in charge of his own body; where one moment he felt present and then the next he was a shell of himself looking outward onto the mess he had made. It happened far too often that it had became expected, that he no longer felt shocked at how his hands had turned into weapons; of shattered things and bruised knuckles, painting his hands with all the evidence of his anger and how easy it was to lose himself. Just like that he wouldn’t recognize himself. A sad story of how a boy who thought he could be something; something kind and good was so inherently not and still had the audacity to be surprised. 

He was the thorn among a bundle of flowers; the danger hiding itself in something beautiful. How he’d surround himself with people who were so caring and beautiful in a way he’d never be as if he had any right to think he was apart of it. With Reese missing, painfully absent from his life, a missing piece leaving it just Edmund and Vincent it felt wrong and not just because Reese should still be here with them but because there was no one else to fill the silence to distract Edmund. It was just Edmund and his eyes putting all this attention onto Vincent. Stirring up the feelings he kept hidden within; it was making it harder to keep it a secret. 

Hard to not let his hand that hung at his side brush up against Edmund’s as they walked side by side. It was stupid really, how he let himself even entertain the idea for even a millisecond. It could never happen because this was Edmund and he deserved everything he ever wanted and how could he ever want him? Vincent really needed to get himself together and stop. “Is there anywhere particular you want to walk to or are we just walking aimlessly?” It wasn’t even a question he really needed answer but it was easier to fill the silence with mindless bullshit than to be stuck in his head any longer. 

[edmundmystery]

Bummer

[vincentportxr]

edmundmystery‌:

There was a little ring of frustration Edmund felt in this moment, it was because he was helpless in this. He couldn’t take Vincent’s pain away and it just ate at him from his insides. He gave his friend a tiny squeeze as he figured out what would be the right words to say. Being someone who didn’t talk often led to having to carefully think about how to word your conversations. Edmund wasn’t the greatest at it after all. But he couldn’t look away from that look in Vincent’s eyes and he had to do something. 

He was relieved Vincent knew that his feelings were valid. It, however, made the young male look rather small. He wished he could take every piece of frustration, anger and pain away from Vince but he knew that he couldn’t. Only when Reese was found…Alive. Things would be easier for both of them. They would be at peace. Somewhere Edmund kept believing she was alive, perhaps not safe but alive since nobody had been found. It wasn’t any of them’s fault. But it still felt like this could have been prevented. 

A small smile came on his lips as Vincent told him that he would be there for him too. Edmund knew this. “I know buddy.” Vincent wasn’t the easiest guy to hang with, but he would always have his back. “Want to go for a walk?” Maybe some fresh air would do both of them well.

@vincentpxrter​

Hesitantly he brought his gaze back up towards his friend, scared that perhaps Edmund would be able to look at him and see the truth. The terrifying truth of how much Vincent truly cared for him. It was daunting for the boy who never liked showing his emotions that wasn’t anger; because anger was easy, it came more naturally than breathing. Vincent had always held violence like others might hold hands. 

But he’s trying. God, he’s trying so hard to keep his hands still. To keep his hands from breaking, destroying, and causing pain. Wants to train his hands to be gentle so one day he might be able to touch him– To reach out and let his thumb drag across the tops of Edmund’s hands. But the reality was that no matter how hard he tried he’d never be gentle, never be capable of touching something beautiful and not have it shatter in his hands. 

“Uh...Yeah. Sure.” Vincent replied, shaken out of the spiral of his thoughts. “Let’s get out of here.” Maybe the chill air would knock some sense into him or at the very least supply a distraction; one that was painfully needed because the boy felt himself losing control of his thoughts and it scared him. Not a lot scared him but these raw emotions did. They always have. 

[edmundmystery]

Bummer

[vincentportxr]

edmundmystery‌:

Edmund found it hard to believe that Vincent could ever forget but decided not to comment onto it because he could see the pain flinching in Vincent’s eyes. He didn’t like it, but he too had been struggling with the missing piece in their group. Like Vincent Edmund didn’t talk about it, focussed on the farm and school to keep his mind occupied. Yet there were moments where Reese would pop up in his mind and he’d search for solitude and cried about the insecurity that came with his missing friend.

“It’s okay to miss her, I miss her too.” Edmunds’s voice softened. “I miss her jokes, the pranks she pulled on us and I miss how she got the group together.” Reese was so important to all of them, and at times he hated that life had just moved forward. He smiled softly. “I know what you mean-” His eyes diverted downwards yet his hands never moved away from Vincent. “We have each other, and if things get hard on you I’m always here okay?”

@vincentpxrter​

He couldn’t bring himself to look at Edmund and instead stared downward, where his friends hands were placed on his knees. The same hands that Vincent had to drown the urge to touch, to extinguish the fire blazing within so he didn’t reach out and let his fingertips trail across the skin. His eyes taking in every curve and line; it was easier to stare at them than to look Edmund in the eyes because this moment it felt fragile and Vincent was no stranger to shattering beautiful fragile things. His hands only knowing violence.

“I know.” He nodded, the words coming out quietly, still staring downwards trying not to say something from frustration. Like that he was angry at the world, himself, and Reese. He had no right to be angry at her but he couldn’t help the blooming frustration towards the girl because the longer she remained missing the more he wondered if he really knew her. Like, what she was hiding and if perhaps this was all an elaborate joke. But maybe that was easier to believe than to think that she could seriously be missing or even worse. “I’m here for you too. You know that right?” 

[edmundmystery]

Bummer

[vincentportxr]

edmundmystery‌:

Vincent in a cheerio outfit, now that was an image that was going to stick in his head for weeks now. “Nah I mean just showing up is enough for me, maybe a pat on the back to get extra motivated. I just know I don’t have to ask my parents and you know support is support.” He chuckled. “Oh man you with pom-poms NO one would believe it if that was an actual thing, they’d think you lost a bet or something.” His grin widened. “I can’t unsee it now, vincent my personal cheerleader.” And then the giggles turned into full-on laughter. “Sorry, sorry…” He said between the laugh and then it faltered at the moment Reese was mentioned. And he immediately could see the guilt on Vincent’s face.

“Hey, it’s okay.” It was difficult for both of them, it was hard to believe at times that Reese was missing. “We both miss Reese, it’s normal and honestly I don’t want to pretend like Reese wasn’t a part of our lives.” Talking wasn’t easy but trying to act like Reese who brought all of them together didn’t exist was much worse. He put his hands on Vincent’s knees and looked at him with worry in his eyes. “We got each other, I’m not leaving you- okay?”

@vincentpxrter​ 

“I forgot.” How could he forget? That was the part that had made it the most painful. He felt guilty that while Reese was missing (maybe dead) he was here laughing with Edmund like nothing was wrong and it was so easy that he didn’t even know he was doing it. With each second passing he felt the frustration manifest and morph into anger; anger at himself but the sudden contact of Edmund's hands against him brought him back to reality. 

“I miss her.” He mumbled under his breath thinking that it would ease him of his guilt by being honest. “Sometimes I think this is all an elaborate joke - even if it isn’t funny - that she’ll jump out and be like ‘Ha gotchu” but it never happens.” The more he said the easier it was which in itself should have been scary. He hasn’t opened up to anyone about how he felt, not even mentioning the pain and guilt he felt. 

[edmundmystery]

Bummer

[vincentportxr]

edmundmystery‌:

Edmund wasn’t really sure. “I don’t know if it was simple I’d already have signed up for special science classes like my teacher asked me to.” He sighed deeply. “Maybe I should, I can just tell my parents that they are worried about my grades, they never really asked how I did at school anyway.” He just hoped that conversation wouldn’t be led to them asking him to drop out because then he really can say goodbye to his dream. “What do you think, should I just go for the science team. You’ll just have to become my personal cheerleader.” He snickered playfully though deep down he did hope his friends would be there in moments like that. 

He placed his hand against his chest and faked an injury. “My heart is broken Vincent how could you.” The smile on his face revealed he wasn’t as hurt. “But no, I’m actually very glad you came into my life buddy.”

@vincentpxrter​

“If joining the science team is something you want you should do it.” Vincent stated, without hesitation, “I’ll support you but if you’re expecting pom poms and catchy cheers you better go find someone else.” It never failed to terrify Vincent the things he would do for Edmund that he won’t normally have the capacity for. It was like Edmund came and dug out this person inside him that he didn’t know was there. Someone who was more than just anger and hostility; someone who could smile and just be without fear of that anger rearing it’s ugly head. 

“You can thank Reese for that.” The words had fell out before he could even think them and they only left pain in it’s wake. It was like he forgot for a minute that everything was different, that Reese was missing. Vincent wished he could take the words back because now everything hurt, a reminder of what they have lost. Of the missing link between them. “Fuck. I didn’t mean to...” He trailed off, putting his head into his hands, to hide the frustration and pain that crossed his face.

[edmundmystery]

Bummer

[vincentportxr]

edmundmysteriouswashington‌:

“I mean yeah- but you know.” Well, he didn’t know what he could say to that it was, in fact, his life, but could he live knowing he disappointed his parents. Family and friends meant everything to Edmund. He just wanted to make as many people as possible happy even if that meant making some personal sacrifices. He didn’t have many friends due to his shyness, that’s why he valued those he had. “I know you are just looking out for me, and like always I appreciate it, but I don’t think it’s that simple.” At least it didn’t feel simple to him. There were so many things that could upset his parents, be it that he liked science and space or that he wasn’t only interested in girls. Maybe he wasn’t as tall as his parents wanted, maybe he didn’t do enough every single day. 

He had to laugh at how blunt Vincent was being, it made him feel cared for. “And this is why I love you, my dude, you are like the greatest buddy someone ever could wish for.” He warmly smiled. “Yeah it’s fucked up but- you know me, I’ll make it someday.”

@vincentpxrter​

“I think it is that simple.” What are you so afraid of? Was the question he really wanted to ask but wouldn’t allow himself to ask out loud. Despite always letting Edmund know that he thought he shouldn’t just blindly follow what his parents want he only said so much. He knew that there was a unseen line in the ground one he wouldn’t cross too far, even though he usually didn’t have that kind of self control when it came to most of his outbursts. It was easier around Edmund, he was this grounding force that made him feel calm despite all the anger he usually held within. It was like it was easier to breathe around his friend, who made him feel like he wasn’t a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode. Edmund treated him like he treated anyone else and never treated him differently even after one of his infamous outbursts.

“That’s a bold lie.” He chuckled without humor for there were hundreds maybe thousands of friends that would be better. “But yeah, you’ll make it.” If anyone was going to make it, it would be Edmund but not someday far in the future, after he followed through with his parents dreams, but for now he’d stop pushing it because ultimately the choice was not his parents, and not Vincent's, it was only Edmund’s choice to make.

[edmundmystery]

Bummer

[vincentportxr]

edmundmysteriouswashington‌:

“Of course you won’t.” Edmund grinned, being happy to see his buddy smile, earning a smile from Vincent was like winning the lottery. It was rare and at times it made him feel a bit warm inside knowing Vincent was comfortable enough around him. Especially…after what happened to Reese. It was something he didn’t talk about, not without Vincent starting. It was hard to talk about Reese, especially cause at times it feels like people just…lived on with their lives. 

“I mean, I don’t know man. It’s my parents, I wouldn’t be able to go to college if they said no. I just-” It was a conflicting situation. “Maybe someday, I mean I’m young and smart and handsome.” He chuckled. “The last one was a joke obviously but you get my point, I can always take over the farm a few years, raise money to hire staff and then go to college.” There should be a middle way here.

@vincentpxrter​

“It’s your life Edmund. No one else’s.” He had never been silent about how he thought his friend should follow his own path, not the one determined by his parents. He watched as Edmund continually struggled to make his parents happy and Vincent never quite understood it. Maybe it was because he never had a connection with his own parents, who barely showed up in his life. His mom sent away to rehab and his father barely around and when he was he only ever cared about reminding Vincent about how he was a irredeemable screw up. So, perhaps it was hard for him to relate to Edmund but he still thought that he deserved happiness. After all if anyone deserved everything they wanted it was him. What do you want? He wanted to ask but he was afraid of the answer. 

“If your parents can’t see that you can do so much better than working on a fucking farm that’s on them.” He stated bluntly, not caring that maybe some thoughts are better left unsaid. “You do everything for them and nothing for yourself. Little fucked up don’t you think?” 

[edmundmystery]

Bummer

[vincentportxr]

edmundmysteriouswashington‌:

“Oh come on vincent, you aren’t gonna tell me you lost your sense of humour. He nudged his friend for a bit before playfully smiling. “Yeah, of course, you didn’t go to the party, you wouldn’t have any fun without me….right?” This is why Edmund didn’t tease often, his insecurity always slipped in sooner or later. “Yeah well, I hate to disappoint them. Maybe I’ll just be both?” To this day he still feared what his parents would think if he said no to the farm. “I just don’t like to see them unhappy, man.”

@vincentpxrter​

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Vincent stated, which could come across in a playful manner except it was stated in his normal mono toned voice and full of nothing but the truth. He wasn’t a people person the only two people he can stand are Reese (who has vanished) and Edmund. The boy who he had initially held so much dislike for when he first met the boy, after all it had only ever been Reese and himself before she had decided to bring Edmund along. Then somewhere along the way Vincent had stopped looking at the other as a nuisance and started enjoying his company and now... Well, maybe he enjoyed it too much and it scared him. “But what about your happiness? Doesn’t that matter?”