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tannertan36
KIROKAZE
DEAR READER
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almost home
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if i look back, i am lost
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@violet-char
Bennett sighed. “Getting hammered means you don’t remember whatever it is you’re trying to forget.” Picking up her own beer, the redhead took a sip.
"True." Charlie agrees with a nod. "Though there's only so much you can forget. Now, what are you trying to forget?"
Bennett dropped herself onto the table with a light ‘thud’. “I’m going to get totally hammered tonight,” she proclaimed with a punch in the air, before rolling into the plushy booth seat.
Charlie raised a eyebrow as the girl rolled across the table, hiding her amusement behind her bottle of beer. "Can I ask why?"
I guess…
How are your parents?
They're well. Less stressed when they worried about my school life there.
Um…hi. I haven’t seen you around much in the past few weeks. How…are you?
"Yeah, well, I went to visit my parents and then hid in my room for almost a week. Fun, right?"
Kendra’s heart sank, she’d said all of that, poured her heart out to her ex and in the end she still felt defeated. She didn’t know what else to say, what else to prove to Charlie that she wanted her and that if they only tried, things could go back to the way they were. But maybe it wasn’t what Charlie wanted? This whole conversation Charlie seemed to be shooting down Kendra’s ideas and thoughts, maybe she had truly moved. “Are you serious? Is that what you want?” Her voice was stern and low, she was tired and she wasn’t going to waste her time trying to chase after Charlie if she didn’t want to be chased. “Because I don’t, I want you. So bad. And I told you that I’ve already forgiven you for what happened. I’m over it.” Kendra sighed as shook her head. She was starting to give up. “It doesn’t even feel like you’re trying here. You’re just shutting down and shutting me out. Its so fucking frustrating.” She locked eyes with Charlie, “So I’m only going to ask you this one more time. Do you want us to try and fix this? Because if not I need you to tell me right now. Just tell me what you want and if its not me, I’ll leave you alone.”
Charlie worried her bottom lip, her hesitancy reflecting on her face as thought for a long moment over Kendra words. Eventually the truth, along with love she still felt for the girl in front of her, won out. She swallowed and breathed out a soft yes, then followed up with, "I really do."
She sighed, letting her hands fall into her lap. Christ. She just wished all of this would go away. She wished it all could go back to the way it was. She’d love nothing more than to be kissing the brunette in front of her, laying in the warm bed with Charlie’s arms wrapped around her tightly. Both whispering I love you’s before drifting off to sleep, only to dream about each other. But now as she sat here, the other girls yes cast down and away from her, she felt as if they would ever go back to that again, and it hurt Kendra. Tears formed and stung at her eyes, so many emotions welling up inside of her, she squeezed them closed as the tears feel down her cheeks. “Because it still hurt. I don’t know. I was just so confused at that point and apart of me actually believed what you said, and I just couldn’t be around you then. Not without screaming and crying and yelling and making a fool out of myself.”
Squeezing her eyes shut harshly, Charlie nodded letting more tears drip down her cheeks. She honestly had no response for that. "Maybe," she swallowed and started again. "Maybe we shouldn't try to date again then." She almost choked on words that came out of her mouth.
Okay, I hate to admit, but I finally finished reading The Fault In Our Stars. I-It was only a little sad… just a little.
Was it a tear-jerker like everyone says?
Wiping away the tears that had fallen down Charlie’s cheek, she cleared her throat before speaking. “I…I just do. You’re so many things. You’re loving, caring, thoughtful and so..so respectful when it comes to me and my decisions on certain things. Also you’re really cute so that’s a plus.” Kendra smiled lightly before continuing. “And I’ve now forgiven you for saying those things because I know that you knew I wouldn’t have just accepted a simple break up. You knew I would have wanted an explanation. You were only saying those things to make sure I left you alone and at the time they worked. But after that night at the campsite after I actually thought about your words, I realized they weren’t you.” Kendra sighed once she was finished.
Charlie gave another nod and moved her head away from Kendra's hand and wiped away the few tears left that escaped down her while looking down and to the side that Kendra wasn't sitting on. "You say that you knew what I said on the camping trip wasn't me but you still wouldn't talk to me when we got back to school, and I don't understand why. Why you insisted on avoiding me."
Kendra sighed. “That’s not going to happen, Charlie. My mother and I talked about that and she’s promised to not to do that. She’s promised to leave things up to us, she says that she no problems with us trying to work this out on our own.” Kendra placed her hand on her girlfriends cheeking, willing her to look at her. “I’m not going anywhere, okay?”
Biting her bottom lip, Charlie leaned subconsciously into Kendra's touch a couple tears sliding down her cheeks. "Why do you still want me? And love isn't a reason. I treated you awfully, and I didn't have to. I could have just broken up with you and just left it at that. So, tell me why."
Kendra watched Charlie for a moment. She finally inched closer and placed her hand gently on the other girl’s knee. “But you do have me, just not have have me. I’m here now, Charlie. We can work this out, so that we can be together again, but I need you to be on board here with me. I need you to say you’ll give up this drinking thing, and just focus on me. Us.”
"Until..." Charlie swallowed heavily after her pause, her voice lowering as she finished, "Until your parents decide I'm not what you need again. And take you away from Violet."
I’m too hot and my mind and body are completely wired. Fuck. This sucks.
That doesn't sound pleasant. At all.
"No, stop." Kendra snatched the bottle from Charlie’s hands, some spilling onto the floor from her force. "I’m trying to talk to you, I’m trying to fix this, and you’re just sitting here like it doesn’t matter; continuing to drink after I said I thought you should stop." She sat the bottle down on the other side of her. "There’s only one reason why you’re drinking that crap, and its because you’re upset, but drinking is only a temporary way of making yourself feel better." Her voice was stern yet even, she was trying desperately not to get angry at Charlie, but the way she was completely ignoring everything Kendra had just said that was getting to her. Did Charlie not care about them anymore? Did she really want things to end?
Charlie sighed, even though she gave the bottle up without any physical fighting on her part. "While you are again right, it's the least damaging way that I can think of how to cope with not having you." She glanced over at Kendra before moving her blue gaze back to the wall in front of her. "I've got nothing else, so what does it matter."
Kendra shook her head. “She’s not, but I think she’s more angry at herself for not just telling me how sh felt in the first place.” She paused, and shrugged lightly. “It was a wake up call honestly, and I’m just glad I know the truth about everything.” Kendra took a deep breath, catching the other girls eyes. “I still love you, you know that right? And I still want to be with you, no matter what my mother says. I…we..just have some things to figure out first. My dependency on you..and you’re…drinking…we have to change that if we want to give this another shot….I mean if you want to give us another shot.”
"You're right. Drinking isn't helping me anymore." Charlie nodded, taking another swig from the bottle. "But waste not, want not, or however that saying is supposed to go."
"I..um..I had talked to my mom last night. And she said…some very interesting things." Kendra sighed lightly. "The things she said…they…made sense to me, but I’m not sure what it means for us." Kendra turned her her head to the brunette, continuing before the girl became too confused. "I’m not sure how to really put it but basically she said she didn’t think we were good for each other since I became…too..attached to you. She said that I had this…warped idea of you being the only person that could ever love me." She paused lowering her head, before starting again. " And its true…I’m not sure when or why I felt like this..it just happened.You’re just the only one I’ve ever felt completely myself with…you were basically my world…and when we broke up I guess my I just felt so lost." Kendra took a deep breath once she was finished.
"How'd it go? She probably isn't happy that you now know that she interfered, right?" Charlie questioned under her breath. She looked up at the girl seated next to her with a deep swallow. "Okay..."
Kendra took a seat next to Charlie. Not speaking at first, just taking a few quick glances at the other girl. “I’m sorry for hitting you and also for the things I said to you when we were up there. You know I didn’t mean it, right?”
"Okay." Charlie gave another shrug, closing her eyes instead of glancing up again.
Kendra frowned at the girls unhappy behavior. She could tell just by Charlie’s words and actions that she was just as upset over this thing. Kendra pointed down to the spot next to Charlie. “Can I sit?” She asked in a whisper.
Charlie glanced up at Kendra then shrugged half-hardheartedly. "Yeah, sure. I don't really care." She answered in the same tone before hiding her face in her legs.
Liar.
But anyway, what’s your name?
I'm not sorry.
It's Charlie.
