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Collette//23//mother//lover//weeb??????

[unspokengrief]

I spill blood over coffee and bleed myself dry. the girl you see is nothing more than a mirror reflecting last nights dream. I am here. I have always been here. but I have never been seen. Girlhood is a performance and I’m stealing the show. I perform in the bathroom mirror and I practice leaving my body. The art of dissociation to avoid pain. I divide into two, a hole so big even god can’t fill. I pick up my skin, pull it over my thighs and zip it up. I feel like an imposter stepping out into the world asking god to dim the lights so I can start my performance. Here I am world, just like you asked, a girl, uncomfortable in her own skin, pleading to be enough.

— Hannah Green, from Girlhood Is Grief “school of performing arts” ©

[neshamama]

excerpt of letter from janis joplin nov 11, 1965

[neshamama]

context was she wrote this to an abusive boyfriend (fiancé actually) who lied to her about everything so to exploit her. he never told her his real name, his job, his whereabouts, or that he was married, had children, and numerous lovers (who pretended to be relatives when she called or visited). with janis he suffered violent paranoid delusions and kept guns stashed everywhere. it’s unclear if he physically harmed her, but she was never safe. still, she planned her future around him, had engagement photos taken, told everyone. she’s write him about flatware she liked in the catalogs for their home together. and after she had finally gotten professional help, she realized he was a fraud, a violent and cruel liar, and she had to let go. of him and of the stable, happy life she thought she’d have. this was part of a final correspondence.

the betrayal and deception, abuse and loss didn’t escape janis’s letters. she never spoke about her engagement or fiancé, especially not publicly. i don’t think people appreciate the work janis put into her health in order to escape and overcome situations like this. i think her death obscures the strength she earned, and all the surviving she did always.

as a female musician she does not get her due intellectually either. janis emulated the men of the rock industry (“one night stand”) to have a foot in the door. and she played it tough as a protective shell (“turtle blues”). but she wrote like a poet, she skipped years in school, played several instruments, painted and sculpted; she had enormous self-awareness, she was a bookworm and amateur scholar of music and art history, especially that of blues and folk in american music; as a teen she dug through libraries and university archives for rare books and records. janis was special...for reasons im convinced we still don’t see. the free spirited attitude and hedonistic lifestyle that became her brand grew from a woman who feared desperately, who had lost control over her body by men many times in her youth, who was gay and hid the reality of her soul and mind because such vulnerability could destroy her, and she wanted the success she thought she deserved. this is why janis was a blues woman swept into rock, but i know that was a thin layer of who she was.

make janis an academic subject of feminist, lgbt, and historical studies, as well as a figure we may learn lots bout survival and power and the negotiations of the self and the inhospitable world in which we live. nuff “27 club” and death.

[foulserpent]

i hate the tech industry so much. FUCK apple. i hate minimalism and sleekness. oooohhh  we made this computer the thickness and weight of a piece of construction paper. you cant plug anything into it and it has 2 gb of storage space. ooooh it has no power button isnt that conceptual? look at how sleek it is. its battery lasts 5 minutes and if you touch it with any more force than the gentlest whisper of a rose petal it will shatter and we intentionally designed it to be impossible to repair on your own. it will break on its own in a year tops. ooh its so sleek and efficient

[gaelgarcia]

20th Century Women (2016) dir. Mike Mills

[perftag]

oh u “LOVE” ur newborn child???? name 3 of their albums lmfao

[violettewoods]

Fuck

[lousydrawingsforgoodpeople]

Totally okay.

[violettewoods]

My mom is recently divorced and I asked her to babysit and she’s like “I need a time frame bc I have hot girl shit to do”

[violettewoods]

I hate soft culture

[incel-moved-deactivated20210803]

thankful i wasn’t born in this time with such invasive moments being put out for the consumption of total strangers. sometimes i don’t feel comfortable posting to friends and family yet new parents livestream gender reveals and baby showers. influencers upload birthing videos and regular milestone photos/videos their child experiences for years all the while their child’s privacy is known to a faceless audience. couples make relationships public domain then feel the need to explain why they’re no longer together. as if is anybody’s business. just a very odd age of unsafe oversharing.

[lonelyroommp3]

my favourite adhd / general executive dysfunction feeling is when you become very consciously aware that you are bored and there is nothing interesting left on the 5 social media apps you’ve been cycling around for the past hour and finally a small logical part of your brain goes “hey! perhaps at this point it might actually be more fun to do one of the productive things you’ve been putting off!” and you’re this close to going oh huh yeah maybe that's true! and getting up to do some housework or read a book or something when a far louder part of your brain goes “NO WAIT!!!! maybe THIS time when we refresh tumblr.... it will be interesting again” and you’re like "ohhhh right sorry for doubting you boss" & promptly get right back to doing fuck all

[violettewoods]

Will just admit I probably have ppd bc there’s been very few days since my daughter’s birth that I have felt genuinely happy and genuinely like myself. I find myself angry and upset and crying more often than naught and I’m always picking fights with S. I’m just always stuck in the house with no one but a baby until 5. No one cares about me, no one in my family checks up on me or tries to see how I am doing or tries to help me. Whenever someone comes over they ignore the routine I’ve put in place for M and keep her up to play with her even tho she is very clearly tired and then gives her back so I have to put to sleep an overtired two month old and then it takes days to get her back to her routine without her freaking out. I can’t even clean the house bc now M has refused to sleep in her sling while I do stuff and santo is never home to help and even when he is he’s too tired to even do anything around the house and I’m just so tired and just want something for myself and I have nothing besides motherhood. I love my daughter but I am really struggling and don’t know how to be a good mom

[violettewoods]

Just like also Tuesday was my birthday and it started off great. S took the day off and we went out for breakfast, for my birthday he got me two books (The Bell Jar and another book by Margaret Atwood) and a new hoodie and we came home and put together the dining room table we just got and things were looking so good, Marcey was in a really good mood and it felt like the first time like things were going to be okay and then Santos mom came over and invited my mom who invited my brother to come over (which is nice but I wanted to do go thrifting and shoe shopping I didn’t want to spend time with me family) and the whole time S mom was there she spent with M and I told her she really needs to go down for a nap and she kept M up telling her “your mom doesn’t know what she’s talking about you’re not tired she’s lying” until she is literally screaming bc of how tired she is and then my mom gets there and they are just being loud and obnoxious and keeping her up to the point I had to go outside to put M asleep and S had to tell them to be quiet. S mom bought dinner which was just take out which I’ve had almost every single day since M birth and S spent the whole time trying to make sure M could sleep, having to go into our bedroom and not even being able to eat bc of how loud everyone was and then when it came to my birthday cake I had to cut it and serve it myself and then promptly everyone left and I had to clean up their mess. I just can’t believe I had to spend my birthday like that and it’s made everything so much more worse, it took M until Friday to even recover from that night and to take her naps fully without waking up and screaming and I still haven’t been able to do the things I wanted to do for myself for my birthday. And I just hate everyone I don’t even want to see anyone. S invited his mom over today and I flipped. I don’t want to talk to anyone I don’t want to see anyone. I want to hibernate until I feel better. I want to feel like myself and that I have some control over my life , but I don’t and no one cares. No one helps they just make things worse and I’m slowly loosing it.

[violettewoods]

Will just admit I probably have ppd bc there’s been very few days since my daughter’s birth that I have felt genuinely happy and genuinely like myself. I find myself angry and upset and crying more often than naught and I’m always picking fights with S. I’m just always stuck in the house with no one but a baby until 5. No one cares about me, no one in my family checks up on me or tries to see how I am doing or tries to help me. Whenever someone comes over they ignore the routine I’ve put in place for M and keep her up to play with her even tho she is very clearly tired and then gives her back so I have to put to sleep an overtired two month old and then it takes days to get her back to her routine without her freaking out. I can’t even clean the house bc now M has refused to sleep in her sling while I do stuff and santo is never home to help and even when he is he’s too tired to even do anything around the house and I’m just so tired and just want something for myself and I have nothing besides motherhood. I love my daughter but I am really struggling and don’t know how to be a good mom

[eyelashwish]

poor marilyn monroe, poor judy garland, poor aileen wuornos, poor that girl who was the first to jump off the hollywood sign in the 1930s, poor natalie wood, poor anne boleyn, poor joan of arc

[violettewoods]

I bought a pair of moccasins from an indigenous owned company this morning and they have already been shipped out and will be here Monday 😭😭

[c0iledpigtail]

Mentally I’m a tall lanky boy but in reality I gotta phat ass

[violettewoods]

I finally caved and bought a serum (it’s like three in one serum, moisturizer and sunscreen) bc I had a coupon for it and my face is looking splah