Shell-shocked. Stricken. Shattered.
I used to be a highly patriotic Filipino. In fact, I used to be so patriotic to the point of judging people who didn't know how to or chose not to speak their mother tongue!
When everyone else were eager to strip themselves of their national identity, I was one of those who tutted in disapproval.
Despite my burning patriotism, I still acknowledged that the country had severe issues. To me and perhaps for many as well, it was like the Philippines had a penchant for trouble. Still, I kept putting those problems in the back of my mind because, well, it's almost Tatak Pinoy™ at this point right?; where every day a new issue to stress about just popped out left and right. I lived my days dreaming that perhaps someday, God would finally turn His head on us and send us someone who well and truly good to be our saving grace, a modern Messiah of sorts.
When VP Leni announced that she would fight for the presidency, I felt hope. Meager and paltry as it was, I felt true hope—that perhaps God had finally dealt us His merciful hand and given our country a chance.
For months after her declaration, hope bloomed like a precarious flower in my heart.
When the long-awaited day came, I felt nerves but also excitement. Not only because I am a first-time voter, but because genuine change was so close that I could taste it. I'm notorious for being the most pessimistic of all, that even when victory in school competitions would be inches near, I would still believe that it could be snatched away. Thus, to brace for impact, I convinced myself that no matter what happened, I would never regret making the only right choice.
But just like the memory that evades you, the word that stays on the tip of your tongue, and the sand between your fingers, hope slipped from our grasps again.
Just when I gave myself a shot at optimism, the utopia I envisioned for us all came crashing down at my feet.
As the fabled saying goes: "Nasa tao ang gawa, nasa Diyos ang awa." Like in Michelangelo's painting Creazione di Adamo, humanity had to stretch out its fingers and receive His grace too.
After all, what good is an outstretched hand when no one reaches back?
Dreams of a prospering Philippines has crumbled right in front of our eyes. As a young person who yearns selfishly for myself, selflessly for others, and whose heart breaks regularly para sa mga nasa laylayan... I am simply distraught. Just when I thought we could finally dare to dream, thieves unexpectedly came in the night to seize that away and even stopped to slap me in the face for even thinking of the prospect.
If you ask me now whether I am still my same patriotic self, I'd say I'm not so proud anymore. No, actually, I'm not proud at all. I am beyond ashamed and mortified to be a Filipino. This country is utterly God-forsaken and irrevocably hopeless.
O Pilipinas, kay hirap mong mahalin.
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