unwavering thoughts from "a failure daughter"
I am 24 now, and the emerging thoughts of disappointment, fear of failure, and validation has something to do when I was little. Since grade school to high school, I was not familiar with the "blacksheep daughter/son", but I have received comments like "failure", "disappointment", "youre going to fail", "be better" "do good as what others did", "be like her, shes practicing, why cant you'" and negative comments that embedded in me. I did not know the word "academic satisfactions" and "validation" when I was in grade school. Not until in high school, I started to gain honors during semesters and that was when I realized that, that was the feeling of being noticed and seen from my parents.
After that, I push through efforts and went out on a limb to gain that validation and appreciation from them and to college. College 1st year had been my proactive and competitive zone, cause that was when I met different people and the confidence and pride in me escalated. Something my thoughts like "they are nothing compared to me".
But everything were not what it seems, all of them were good. All of them excelled in subjects that I cannot chase and compete with. Not when I reached 3rd year college, my competitive personality just relaxed and regulated cause I realized it would drain me without thinking how to preserve my energy and myself.
I told myself that the important part of being in college was always to survive, thrive and graduate regardless of being latin honor or none. However, the pressure in me was constant and heavy that even my nervous system had pushed me to its core. And that was when I got a "Cum Laude" to my name.
Now that I have graduated, I decided to enter law school in another city, to cut it short, I had a major burnout and decided to enter career opportunities. Yet, it was not easy to move on despite setbacks cause I have been stuck and stagnant when I got home from law school. It took me months to move on and realize this is not how my life ends. So I tried to search online jobs for three months. Got hired but did not stay for too long.
I was so lost in my direction that I cannot figure out what I wanna do with my life.
And here is this job application. An HR Associate from a school institution near in my city. I applied, took the exam, and got interviewed.
I was doing well with my interview, I answered what was being asked and all throughout of the interview I was just being myself. I went home. My parents asked how it went and I answered them "oh they asked why I quit lawschool and what are my plans but I answered to focus on career and to proceed with masters". I though I might receive congrats youre doing well or youre gonna be accepted. But no, they just response with "why did you put law school....you will fail that interview", "she has put so much trust to herself" and words that I dont want to hear anymore.
Honestly, it broke me again. I though I have moved on from those words, and still they havent left. I dont know, I just trust myself that much and all it takes in life endeavours is confidence. Confidence does so much to our life, but now it questions me, am I really that a failure, mediocre?
I just dont know what to believe in myself anymore.










