Realpolitik

Vivian Teoh. 18. I love art in general. Self-acclaimed literati and philosophe. I'd like to see my Tumblr as a form of literary revival, so to speak. All photos are mine except those reblogged.

[vivteoh]

Some things don't change

Some people just don't change.

Same routine. Same habits. Same stupid karaoke sessions. Same stupid movie going. Same gossip. Same frame of mind. Same medium of communication. Same matters being communication. Same ignorance over another's emotions. Same laughter over the most superficial of interests. Same shit, different temporal ground.

Same ol', same old.

Well, I QUIT.

[vivteoh]

Things I learned all this week

Every guy claims to be the Batman and can do Batman impersonations under any circumstances.

Based on IPC, he and I are in a complementary relationship but I just haven't figured out what this might lead to.

Also, it is constantly baffling how guys can 9Gag, make AdventureTime references by spamming GIFs on Google docs and work on their lab report all simultaneously.

Sometimes what I think is bullshit makes total sense to other people (Implicit meaning: I got 97/100 for my research assignment report and I don't know how and now my lecturer wants to keep it as a choice example for prospective psychology students).

I don't actually suck at Big 2, I just give up too easily. (Implicit meaning: My first win in Big 2 today after 23984039840234803948234 times I died with a two of spades)

Being physically inadept doesn't mean you should not try sports.

Letting go means good riddance. It's not rude or demeaning if you choose avoidance, it is almost au naturale that it is such. (Implicit meaning: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON. Communication is unrepeatable, said IPC. Don't be Gatsby).

You won't always have a boyfriend but girl friends stick with you for life, so put them first. FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

Top-down processing is a relevant way of looking at how God is working in our lives for the better. Focus on the bigger picture, and you'll be able to witness the striking little details that are in alignment to the grandeur of God's glory in your life.

Yup, seems legit.

[vivteoh]

1,000 posts! YAYERSSSSS

[vivteoh]

Experimental texture shots on some of the pieces I wear frequently.

[vivteoh]

Princess Pee Pee

So it's officially that time of the semester again where the assignments, quizzes, tests, presentations and endless introspection kick in. I honestly am not quite sure how I'll manage the upcoming week, but I can tell you that I was stuck in a rut a week ago even before the pandemonium unleashed. Caught in the hecticity of the moment, I tried to work everything out on my own and I mentally averted the notion of asking for help. And yes, as preconceived, that didn't turn out too well. Since then I've done a little introspection, as well as address the matter with the important people in my life, and fair enough, I don't find myself as uptight as I was the previous week.

The first wave of academia hit me this week with the execution of a 2-minute presentation for interpersonal comm, a microscopic biology laboratory observation, a Biology quiz and a film studies test, all in sequential order. Moreover, the load was complemented by a sense of insecurity that pervaded my psyche and that proved to be a nuisance in this week. It was all pretty unnecessary though because things were fairly alright, and it was all magnified via the complexities of my mind. Needless to say, I wasn't too anchored to the phase for too long and soon I got back to being my assertive self once more.

Apart from my diminishing loyalties toward the demanding intelligentsia, I had the grand opportunity last week to catch up with Natalie. She was back from Sydney during her two week break and we spent some time together at the movies and filling each other in about life. Philosophical queries and introspective deductions soon filled in the void between the conjuring and retelling of past stories, drawing time closer and closer towards us. 2 hours passed by pretty quickly and soon I had to adjourn home. I also got to spend a little bit more time with her last Sunday at church right before she returned to Sydney that night.

Frankly, I'm really grateful for Natalie. There aren't many people I can open up to and display most (not all) of my facades to, but Nat's really one of those people I know I can talk to and share stuff with, knowing that I won't be judged and that every word will enter her ears. She listens. She responds. She understands. And I listen. I respond. And I fathom, or at least try to. It's such a rarity these days to have people you can communicate with at this level, and I'm just really fortunate that I have a friend, if that's an adequate term to describe it.

Having delved this deep, I've come to realize that I have a general sense of distrust or disdain for most people. I often seek attachment to particular people, most of which I never achieve. And yet when the opportunity arises and opposite parties show an inclination to elevate bonds from acquaintances into friends, or close friends, I pull away. I am always taken aback when I get too close to people, and often, I just walk out of that relationship. I insist upon myself that it was a mistake and that people just got too close for comfort, and I instantly regret showing that specific facade to them. I always get so afraid when I talk about myself. Vulnerability simply appalls me, and I find it difficult to empathize on account of that.

It isn't something I like either. I don't know how much further I have to tread or how much longer I'd have to wait, but I'm hoping I'll look past it all and finally be able to let go somehow.

[vivteoh]

We don't have four seasons here in Malaysia, but the frequent downpours recently have been leaving dim natural lighting to work with, photography wise. I know very well that unkempt bedrooms and exposure-altered shots of lenses aren't very avant-garde, but it had to start somewhere, so there.

[vivteoh]

More conundrums

Making me smile

Is a dangerous affair

Yet you did

Effortlessly

You resemble all that is

Yet you are not

Match no, complement yes

[vivteoh]

Strangee

He doesn't even try. And yet he makes me happy.

I'll leave it as it is, for now.

[vivteoh]

Some lemon, broccoli and cheese pappardelle I had a very long time ago, and chocolate lava cake (I think) I shared with a friend.

Taken @ Delicious, Sunway Pyramid.

Pictures of food and what not filling in the gaps between introspective posts, heh.

[vivteoh]

Sweater weather <3

[vivteoh]

Textual emotions

Asian parents will always be Asian parents. They don't show us love in the most profound of ways, but they lightly scatter hints of their affection in the words they say and the things they do for us.

Concern equals love. Constant nagging equals love. Over-protectiveness equals love. Buying expensive gifts equals love. Going out for fancy dinners equals love. Asking if we're hungry for the umpteenth time equals love. Making us drink gallons and gallons of water equals love.

And yet we take these things for granted some times. Forget the heartwarming ads you see a month prior to the Lunar New Year. Discard the advances of telecommunication ads and their approach to filial piety and love - such matters are best exemplified within our own lives, with our own family members.

While most things have remained constant, there are subtle changes that have taken place. In spite of the inability to show affection profoundly, the advent of telecommunication (yes, a latent function, I know) and social media has given my parents the courage to speak love into my life. Sometimes, the simplest of expressions, even those sent by text, mean the world to me. Verbal phrases may constitute a large part of the exposition of affection, but for me, I'm satisfied with the simplicity of a text message. A long, well thought out text. A text that is long enough to advocate the message, and yet short enough to withhold meaning.

I'm sorry I always take you guys for granted, mom and dad. Nevertheless, I love you. That's all you will need to know. The rest is detail.

[vivteoh]

Mid Autumn Festival 2013. Tea, mooncakes, candles, sparklers and other paraphernalia.

[vivteoh]

I'm pathetic

Yes I am.

My best friend is a blog. My tears are the words I specifically type on screen. My sniffs are the soundtrack stuck on replay. My pillow is the writing desk, pressured upon by my heavy head.

I'm so pathetic because I'd rather put my trust in an online journal then talk it out with my "best friend". Fact of the matter is, I don't have one. I go around talking about him as if I mattered to him as much as he mattered to me, but it really never mattered at all.

I spill everything here in this void, in this endless network of cyberspace to almost everyone but anyone I know in reality. That's how pathetic I am.

I'm so pathetic because I've put my trust countless times in various figures in my life, but all I've found is that I'm never seen as a friend. I'm just that one girl who needs counselling, and they'll be there for me because they're benevolent. They're a kind soul. That's all there is to it. Problem solved, and they're gone. I'm a specimen. A testimonial. Nothing more.

I talk about leaving as if it were a good thing, but in actual fact, I'm pretty afraid of what's to come. I don't know if it's a risk worth taking; travelling halfway across the world not merely to further my education, but to find someone I can totally relate with. What are the odds? And given that cultural differences are bound to surface, would I not be taking a blind, improbable leap of faith?

But what have I achieved by pondering upon these unanswered questions? What could I have done in this entire hour instead of writing and crying my heart out?

It constantly puzzles me why I care so much, and yet I am aware that I should not. Sometimes I just wish I was oblivious as everyone else, heh.

I should go grab a chill pill right now.

[vivteoh]

Threw it all away

Today, I chose to discard all the work I'd put into my film assignment about a movie I thought was an all-time favorite, and instead went impromptu - presenting on one of my favorite Bollywood films of all time.

I don't often make decisions at the last minute, but I'm pretty sure I did not do this on impulse. I knew within myself that if I wasn't going to be honest with the class and more importantly, with myself, I would have been exerting injustice, in it's purest form.

So I went out there, with adrenaline circulating through the venous canals of my entire being and my heart beating rapidly, and I presented.

I won't say it was something worthy of being proud of, because I don't think i did my very best.

But I'm glad that I was honest. And it felt incredible.

[vivteoh]

That's what I believe. I believe the universe wants to be noticed. I think the universe is improbably biased toward consciousness, that it rewards intelligence in part because the universe enjoys its elegance being observed. And who am I, living in the middle of history, to tell the universe that it - or my observation of it - is temporary?

John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

[vivteoh]

Taken @ Mt. Elizabeth, Orchard Road, Singapore.

[vivteoh]

Eggs Benedict @ The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.