advice & stories

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[vldadvice]

officially moving blogs

hi everyone! after getting the a-okay from the other admins, i’ve decided i’m going to be leaving vldadvice and moving full time over to my personal advice blog @dear-rina. giving advice is really something i enjoy, and i’d like to start running everything from my own brand since i’m the only one who keeps up with vldadvice anymore. i’d also like to start making youtube videos where i go more in-depth with some of the issues i see most commonly in my inbox, and that’s the main reason i’m doing this, because i’d really like it all to be associated with dear-rina. 

what this means:

if you want any advice, i will still be available! i am moving to dear-rina and that blog is basically the same as this one but it’s my own brand (i’m adding this twice in case someone’s missed it) and i will be active there as much as i can

i will not be answering any asks on vldadvice anymore

vldadvice is probably going to become very inactive since i’m the only one who runs it daily

you can look forward to actually hearing me talk about some issues in video form (i’m so excited about this)!

thanks to all of you who’ve made vldadvice a success and i really really hope you continue to ask me questions over on dear-rina too :) 

-rina

[vldadvice]

Hi! i have a good friend that i've known for about a year or two. About half a year ago, one of my other friends that my close friend and I used to hang out with told me out of the blue that that close friend likes me. This other friend is someone I barely have talked to this past year. Ever since, I've been wondering about it because I've recently developed feelings for this close friend, and I'm tempted to ask my other friend if what my close friend-- now crush said is true. Should I?

just ask your crush! best to go straight to the source, it’s more reliable than what a friend you no longer talk to very much said. if you wanna find out your crush’s feelings, that’s the only way you’re gonna know for sure. and it’s better than jumping through hoops behind someone’s back to get information that might not be true in the first place. -rina

[vldadvice]

So... This has been on my mind for a long time... I'm 14 years old (girl) and I've never masturbated. (I don't even have my menstruation btw) I never really thought about doing it, but my friends (they're 1/2 years older than me) have talked about it once and that they masturbate sometimes... Idk, I want to try it too but I have no idea how to and maybe I'm to young for masturbating? Right know I'm confused and yeah...

this question is hard for me, because on one hand i remember being your age and i know how unprepared i was to even put in a tampon. i was so uncomfortable with it that masturbation was literally completely out of the question, no matter who talked about it or tried to pressure me into anything. but then on the other hand, i also know that my personal experiences aren’t universal and that when i was 14 i liked having the freedom to explore what i wanted to, so if you think you’re ready to start trying stuff like that, i say do some research because research never hurts and then go at your own pace with it. the thing about sexuality and sex and stuff like that is it’s such a tricky subject. there are so many misconceptions about it all and sometimes it’s weird and uncomfortable and sometimes it isn’t and it’s just really kind of wonky and based off of your own perspective. i would like to stress that the only person this stuff is going to affect is you. seriously. it’s your body, your business, so make sure if you start masturbating or experimenting sexually it’s because it’s something you want, and that you’re being safe while you’re doing it. base your decisions off of how you feel about it, and remember that other people’s opinions on your choices literally do not have to matter at all. what matters is that you’re safe. -rina

[vldadvice]

I’ve always been a confident and self loving person. I think I still am. I never let other people’s opinions of me bother me. But starting a relationship has forced me to care about whether another person likes me as much as I like them. I hate feeling this sense of insecurity. (I would never change for this person; I love myself physically/mentally/intellectually but I want this person to like me). Is this normal, and how do I get past it?

it’s very normal. people don’t like getting hurt, and that’s where that insecurity is coming from, not from whether or not you love yourself. you’re trusting yourself to someone else, and even though you may have a lot of self love and esteem, you’re afraid they won’t see you in the same light and you really want them to especially since you think so highly of them. that’s normal. and honestly, i’m not sure if it ever goes away. we want people that we like to like us back, because we see it as an affirmation that we’re good people, or that we’re likeable, etc. the insecurity that comes with it can go away, though! you just have to trust that they do like you back like you like them, because if they didn’t then you wouldn’t be in a healthy relationship. -rina

[vldadvice]

How do you know if your crush likes you? With mine we’re friends and I’ve seen signs that he might but idk. In class I would often catch him looking at me, and he would do things like give up his chair for me, hold the door, randomly come up and talk to me, sit by me, joke around with me, and be very gentlemanly whereas he’s more loud and joking with friends. But when his friends and I were around he would get loud again, but not with just me. Am I just misinterpreting things?

sounds like he could, but the thing about crushes is everyone is unique with how they act around them. and him getting loud again around his friends isn’t surprising to me at all, btw. that’s normal. people usually act a little different one on one than they do with the whole group, especially if they see you differently from that whole group. so ultimately, no, i don’t think you’re misinterpreting things, but there’s always a chance you are. if i were you, i’d take the chance and ask him out anyways :) -rina

[vldadvice]

aah, the guy that I have liked for a year and a half now just came back after being away for three months and I’m seeing him tomorrow night at a friends party. We have been talking heaps whilst he has been away. He also has feelings for me but heck, I am so nervous to see him again. What do I do? How do I look as bomb as possible? How do I avoid being awkward and shy? Help meeee

just be yourself, since that’s what he likes about you! also i suggest wearing something comfortable but cute, because it’s hard to focus on other stuff if you’re uncomfy. i’m serious though about the being yourself bit. just wear what you like and act how you like. have a good time, anon :)

[vldadvice]

Ooo wen u take @vldadvicr advice n u and ur boy u like start making money moves

oooOOOOoooooooOo exciting!! hope it all turns out good -rina

[vldadvice]

My girlfriend got mad at me because I had metioned my sisters offering to let me smoke with them and how I was really considering it because it can help with depression, and mine has been really bad lately. I understand that she had a history of being peer presured into doing drugs and got addicted for a while, and I understand she doesnt want the same thing to happen to me, but when I tried to explain she blocked me on all social media and she dragged my best friend into the mess as a - (1/2)

messenger instead of talking to me. I really love her but this sort of thing has happend to many times, what should I do? (2/2)

blocking people and refusing to talk to them without allowing them to explain isn’t really a healthy relationship tactic, it’s an avoidance tactic. obviously she’s uncomfortable with the subject, and with her history with it, that’s not too surprising. being confronted with a subject you’re not okay with and saying “hey, i need to distance myself from this for a while,” and then dropping the conversation for the time being would have been a healthy way for her to deal with it. she should be able to trust that you’ll leave the conversation alone until she’s ready to address it again. maybe when she’s gone back to speaking to you, you can mention that you’re willing to stop talking about things like that and that she doesn’t need to block you, that way you can still reach her when you need her and she can have her space for a little while. communication is key, anon. and i hope this isn’t out of my place to say, but there are other healthier ways to deal with your depression than smoking. i won’t go into it right now, but i would suggest seeing a doctor if you haven’t already about your depression. -rina

[vldadvice]

I met a guy at a party. And I really want to talk to him again but I'm scared to slide into those dms. So I friend requested and waited a week to see if he would dm me but no results. I don't really know what to do or say. He is my best friends fiances best friend and I dont know if everyone else in the friend group would be happy that I have feeling for him and try to cock block me.

you’ll never know if you don’t try, so slide into those dms, anon! and if he’s not already in a relationship then there’s not really a reason you guys can’t try it out, or that your friends won’t be supportive.i hope everything goes well! -rina

[vldadvice]

My bf and I broke up a month ago we're on good terms we text we're friends. That's not a prObLeM. His good friend has feelings for me. My exbf knows and is chill about it told us to do what makes us happy. I've also caught fEeLiNgS and idk I'm just waiting for a good time to act on them. We're keeping stuff casual atm just texting. I'm not looking for a rebound I care about both of them We don't see each other a lot. I was thinking of asking him out on a casual date next month idk lol. Thoughts?

sure, a casual date sounds nice :) if everyone is comfortable with it i really don’t see any reason for you not to! -rina

[vldadvice]

Hey there! Thank you for all your help on the crushes/relationships probs we have ☺️So I realized that I'm incompatible with my crush & now I intend to get over him, but I'm curious if he actually liked me at one point since he showed some signs & I was always confused. Should I confess my past feelings and ask if he did like me and talk to him about it, or should I just avoid it bc it might ruin my getting-over process? Thank you, much love x

it depends on what you think is going to help you move on. asking him would bring you closure which is sometimes what you need, or maybe he still likes you and that could make things complicated. you have to decide if you’d rather move on and not know, or get closure and possibly complicate things. either way is fine, just make sure you feel you’re doing what’s best. -rina

[vldadvice]

Hey, at this point in my life I don't have any actual friends, as in none that ever speak to me. We'll it had been a while since I been on tumblr, like a month or so, and I decided there are probably some cringe worthy stuff on here so I decided to delete it and start from scratch. We I notice somebody I knew a long time ago followed me recently. I deleted the blog but I added her on this one. I don't know if she even knows it was me. I'm so anxious but I want to talk to her. Yet I'm so lonely.

talk to her then! you’ve got a fresh start now so she’s not gonna find anything you don’t want her to see on your blog, and reaching out to someone never hurts. the thing about making friends is that you have to be willing to try. if you don’t reach out to other people, anxiety or no, you’ll keep being lonely. friendships are a two way street and friends aren’t gonna just appear out of thin air. this is an excellent way to practice making friends, though! since you already know her and she already has a (probably positive) opinion of you from when y’all knew each other before, you don’t have to worry about some of the things that happen when making new friends, like first impressions. and as always if you’re ever feeling really lonely and need someone to talk to, my inbox is always open, and so is our discord for if you want to talk to a wider variety of people :) -rina

[vldadvice]

so i’m at this point where i’m feeling super good about myself, and i feel like i’m finally ready to start dating again. i’ve caught feelings for this super sweet boy, and i told one of my friends this. even though i told my friend this, he insists on getting together with my crush. my friend does not take criticism lightly, and if i tell him to back off my man, there’s no way he will do it without making me feel guilty. what’s the proper way to go about this situation? ty in advance! 💕

that’s really something you two have to work out for yourselves. it comes down to what you want more: to keep your friend exactly how it is without causing any issues and watch as he goes after the guy you like, or to create a conflict with your friend based around neither of you wanting to back down. either way i really think conflict is inevitable here, unless the two of you are both willing to sit down and have a serious talk about both of your feelings and the boy you like. all i feel like i can tell you is that you need to pick your battles carefully here. i don’t know your history with your friend or the kind of person he is, so i can’t tell you how to best go about it. if i were you, though, i would have a serious talk with your friend again where both of you are contributing and listening before you make your decision, and then choose the situation that works best for all three of you (also, it might be a good idea to ask the boy you like what he wants, since this is all centered around him anyways). i believe in you! you can figure this out :) -rina

[vldadvice]

aA okay so ive just come to the conclusion that i like a friend of mine and i dont know what to do. we’re both quiet people and i wanna start talking to her more but aAgh im so awkward and i have no idea how to approach her to get to know her better and ugHhjskdm

i know the feeling. i’m a quiet people too and sometimes getting to know someone else who’s quiet can be quite a challenge. sometimes it’s not even a matter of getting over your shyness, it’s getting the other person to talk. you can always start with a shared interest or try getting her to open up about something you know she likes. hopefully that’ll work, it’s probably got the best possibility of working since everybody likes talking about their interests. but anyways if you don’t like that approach, try getting to know her how you would try to get to know yourself. you said you’re also quiet, so think of the things that would work to get you to open up to someone and try them out on her. good luck! -rina

[vldadvice]

Hi, I need help on letting my strict parents go to my crush's party. I'm 18 turning 19. I still live at home. I'm a good kid, no drugs/drinking/smoking/alcohol or boyfriends. It's a house party, not to far from where I'm from. He may like me too. My parents don't know I like him. I asked if I could go but they went into strict protective mode saying I can maybe go if I follow their conditions. I'm scared to bring it up again. How do I approach the subject calmly and convince them to let me go?

you’re literally legally an adult. if i were you, i would tell your parents they need to loosen up and let you do your own thing now that you’re 18 and old enough to vote, but i’m a bit of an overly argumentative and confrontational spitfire so i don’t know if that’s something you want to do. seriously though, just be calm and ask about it again. as long as you keep your cool anything that happens from that conversation really can’t be blamed on you. no matter what happens be calm and respectful and hopefully they’ll budge a bit on their conditions. and also probably don’t mention the crush whatever you do, because that sounds like it could make it so you can’t go at all. good luck -rina

[vldadvice]

Ik you get a lot of asks about relationships but I would really appreciate your help. So I confessed to my crush (through text) that I like her expecting to be rejected bc to my knowledge nobody has ever liked me. Anyways she said she liked me too and we kept talking for hours and we became gfs! The next day (today) i keep texting her but she never responds. Maybe its bc she and her twin sister share a phone?? but idk im getting anxiety that she deosnt really like me and she was just (1/?)

feeling bad for me. Another thing is that since i was on vacation since i confessed i haven’t seen her in months. But 1) im not out to my parents and neither is she(i think) 2) i think my mom suspects smth bc shes been giving me clues and when i asked when I could invite her over she said why not invite all your friends? 3) i really want to go somewhere “date-y” with her so i could try holding her hand and kissing her. 2) BUT my mexican grandparents are coming over and idk if theyre (2/?)

homophobic or not. and i cant just wait a whole moth to see her to talk about us dating. what do i do?? (neither of us has a drivers license so we cant go anywhere) Sorry for all the asks and i love your blog!! (3/3)

if there’s a place close enough for the two of you to both get to without driving, that might be a good place to meet up and talk about everything. you can always take public transportation. about your grandparents, the best way i’ve found to figure out if someone is homophobic is to just bring up a neutral bit of the lgbtq+ community and see how they respond. also, you guys can always set up a time to call or skype. texting isn’t always the best way to communicate in a relationship, the two of you need practice communicating in real time. trust me, i had a relationship once that was like, entirely texting bc we were both too chickenshit to call each other and it ended pretty badly. while texting is good in some cases, if you’re having insecurities about anything to do with your relationship a phone / video call is going to clear it up much better. you won’t have as much time to over analyze everything that’s being said and you’ll be able to figure some stuff out from your gf’s body language and / or vocal cues. also, congrats on the new relationship anon :) -rina

[vldadvice]

I dont know why I'm stupid and want to end a 2yr good relationship. If I break up with him I know his world is gonna end but if it was the other way around that id be able to move on with one good cry and focus on myself. He constantly tells me how he doesnt want to loose me everyday and I think that is what might be talking its toll. Its not his fault he has anxiety and paranoia. But I'm starting to feel like I put a lot into the relationship Which should be balance. How do I break up with him

break up with him like you would in any other relationship. show him you’re not doing it because of his anxiety and paranoia by breaking it off with a conversation about it all. if you’re worried about him taking it badly, you can always tell him the reasons why and help him understand. don’t be like “it’s not you it’s me” because that’s one of the worst things to say to someone, but it might help him to move on if he knows what exactly the cause of your breakup is. you shouldn’t be obligated to stay in a relationship you don’t want to be in if it’s not working for you. -rina