Demons Inside My Head

This is my journal: recording my thoughts and feelings in regards to the demons I face every day. you are beautiful and you are loved❤️I do not promote eating disorders, this is just to vent

[voiceless-words]

Anyone else have a k!nk that they really really really wanna do with their fiancé but you know they’ll never go for it so all you have is smut to read, audio role plays and your own imagination?

No? Just me?

[voiceless-words]

I hate feeling like I need to compete with my soon-to-be sister in law. Who do the in laws like more? Who’s more fun? Who’s more interesting? Who’s funnier? Who’s nicer? Who does the extended family like more? Who’s wedding is going to be better? Who’s going to look better in their wedding dresses?

She’s already getting married before me (we’re 4 years older than her and her fiancé, I’ve been with my fiancé much longer and we’re in a much more financially stable situation) and I’m incredibly jealous. I’ve always wanted to get married and I wanted to be the first.

I feel like the excitement for my wedding just isn’t there as much as hers. It feels like it’s more lack luster since their engagement came first. I’m getting married too, ya know. Where’s the excitement for our wedding? It feels like it doesn’t exist. Hardly anyone asks about it. It’s all about them.

[voiceless-words]

All I want for for Christmas is to be skinny

[voiceless-words]

Everyone around me is getting engaged: friends, family, old classmates.

All I’ve ever wanted was to be married…I’ve been waiting for a long long time to be engaged and to eventually be married.

And even though I’m stoked for people being engaged and spending their lives with the people they love, I also can’t help but feel extremely jealous and incredibly sad.

I just want to be married…

[voiceless-words]

If there’s anything in my life that I think about most, it’s food and the amount of calories that are in food.

It consumes me.

I try not to count calories, but when I don’t I panic. I need to know how many calories I am eating.

It drives me absolutely crazy.

[voiceless-words]

One of the hardest parts about ed recovery is trying to enjoy foods you once loved without feeling guilty about eating them. I start to get antsy and depressed and I feel extra shitty

[voiceless-words]

This is so true for me right now.

So much stress with trying to graduate from college, I’m going crazy with this quarantine bullshit, I’m so fat and can’t lose weight, I want to be skinny now.

I just want to cut...

[voiceless-words]

My boyfriend wants a lot of kids when we get married, but I’m so terrified of the weight gain and not being able to work it off.

I look like shit as it is, but being pregnant? It will destroy my hope of ever being skinny ever again.

[voiceless-words]

Quarantine is really affecting my mental health...

When I get bored I want to eat. When I eat I feel fat. When I feel fat I want to throw up. When I want to throw up I get incredibly depressed.

This quarantine is taking me so many steps back from working toward recovery.

[voiceless-words]

Every day when I wake up, the first thing I do is look at myself in the mirror and every day I hate what I see.

I wish I could unzip my skin and just pull all the fat from my body.

I want to feel beautiful.

I want to be thin.

I want to be dead.

[voiceless-words]

I wish I wasn’t so damn fat.

[voiceless-words]

I hate being disappointed all the time.

I remember my boyfriend’s ex telling me that he “doesn’t know how to be a boyfriend.”

The more and more he lets me down it makes me feel like maybe she’s right.

[voiceless-words]

As soon as my mom told me we were going on vacation for spring break, my heart instantly stopped.

“I’m gonna be on a beach.” I thought.

That means swimsuits, which means I need to start eating even less calories and working out even more to look remotely decent in a swimsuit. God help me😫

[voiceless-words]

It is said that in order to lose weight you have to burn more calories than you consume.

How in the fuck can someone eat 2000+ calories in a day and still look great??? You only burn like 150 calories just by walking around and you can’t tell how many calories you’re burning by lifting weights. And the only way you can really burn over 500 calories while doing cardio is to run at a decently fast pace for like a half hour straight.

I’d rather eat 300 a day and be halfway done burning it off just by walking.

[voiceless-words]

I hate when I relapse...

I suddenly feel like every bite of anything I eat suddenly makes me gain 10 pounds and I feel fat as fuck.

I have little energy, my immune system turns to shit, and I’m lightheaded all the time.

All I want to do is sleep or go to the gym to burn as many calories as I can.

I try to control what I eat because I can’t control anything else in my life.

[panda-in-recovery]

You don’t need to be underweight for your eating disorder to be valid and there’s no such thing as not being “sick enough”. You can be at a medical healthy weight or “even” overweight and it would still be just as serious. You deserve help and you deserve to recover.

[piggyhog]