tw: su! ideation, talk abt d3@th
i actually had a real near death experience. not a “wow i almost died” kind of thing. like actually at the hospital. actually waking up. actually being told the doctors didn’t think i was going to make it.
they say when you survive something like that you come back different. more grateful. more alive. like life suddenly makes sense.
but that’s not what happened to me.
what i remember most is how calm it was. how quiet. how ready i felt. i wasn’t scared. i wasn’t panicking. i was peaceful in a way i’ve never been again since.
i didn’t see a bright light like everyone talks about. but i felt it. i felt myself drifting toward something warm and soft and i wanted it so badly. i wanted to go.
and then i felt myself being pulled away.
i fought it. i was clawing my way toward whatever i thought the exit was. but the hands pulling me back were stronger than me.
then i woke up.
and i hated it.
i should’ve died. i really think i was supposed to. and ever since then i’ve missed that feeling. the quiet. the peace. the place i almost made it to.
some part of me carves su!c!d3 because that would put the world back in the correct order, i wish i was brave enough to try again and this time i won’t yell out for help
