Just Screaming Into The Void

Venting, don’t mind me

[void-speaking]

*world’s biggest sigh*

My sister was kicked out by her bf and is now living with me and my mom. Obviously that’s fine, that’s whatever…

…except she has two kids that my cats are terrified of 🥲 in a 2 bed 2 bath. So now my cats are too anxious to do anything but hide under my bed or my mom’s.

And either my sis stays here for a long time (difficult) or she goes back to her ex (a horrible idea).

Fuck, dude. Fuck.

I’m whining about it here since I obviously won’t whine out loud. One of her kids is a calm teen, but the other… god, he’s gotten spoiled fast 😖

This shit sucks.

[void-speaking]

You ever flirt with a stranger online, realize you’re blushing alone in your room, then blush harder?

^Me, with my face about to explode

Imma ignore the fact it’s on reddit 🥲

[void-speaking]

I mean… realistically… I can’t be this mentally ill forever, right? I’ll eventually wake up and want to try, surely. It’s happened before, but it’s never taken this long. I feel like I fell into a pit, straight to rock bottom, but I don’t have any strength to go up, so I just keep kicking the rocks at the bottom as if it will help. And this all started 2 years ago? Three? Idr. I’m physically fine, mentally struggling, and spiritually void.

I truly, genuinely, cannot pick myself up. So… ? Wtf do I do? Why can people see me, realize I’ve been trapped in my mind for 2-3 years, and not do anything. Ofc it’s not their job to “fix” me, but if you saw a wounded, dying animal on the side of the rode for years, wouldn’t you fucking say something?? Wouldn’t you at least nudge it with a stick and ask if it’s still alive???

[void-speaking]

Bruh, idk wtf is happening lately, but

My brain has reached a point of “you can’t have hobbies, your depression must consume you.” I can’t read, I can’t sleep until painfully exhausted, all I can do is just ?? Suffer? Every time I try to read my brain just rereads the same sentence on loop without actually understanding what I read. Or it will start skimming which I greatly prefer not to do 😖

[void-speaking]

I’ve gotten conflicting responses on “is it so weird to talk to my ex?”

‘Cause like… yes, he’s my ex and we don’t owe each other conversation, it could cause stress to potential new partners, etc.

And on the opposite end, we were together for 3 years in which everyone close to us was shooketh when we broke up… because we were that happy and compatible with each other.

And idk, I feel really conflicted on it… because I want to talk to him again. He was my best friend, we spent every day of 3 years together, and the only real reason we didn’t work out is because we both burned out (to a crisp) from our jobs and couldn’t afford to live on our own… so he wanted me to move in with his family who only speak Cantonese (which is hard af to learn, and I suck at learning the easiest of languages).

He mentioned at one point after breaking up that he’d likely need time before feeling comfortable talking to me again, which I was like “totally understandable, just know that I’m ready when/if you’d like to be friends again”… I guess I was banking on the “when” 🥲 so that alone is enough to say I shouldn’t reach out first… but idk if he even remembers that since it wasn’t a sit-down and seriously talk convo.

I don’t have romantic intentions on reaching out. If we couldn’t handle that hurdle, that’s telling enough as is. But it sucks to be best friends for so long to complete silence (other than he randomly reached out a couple of times to apologize for some of the things he did and later realized wasn’t particularly kind of him during our relationship)…

I want to reach out. I shouldn’t until he bridges that gap. It sucks. This sucks. Life sucks and then you die.

[void-speaking]

Sometimes I think that I miss Overwatch. Then I remember the last match I played that convinced me after yeeears of playing to never play again.

I hope that guy stubs his toe 6 days out of each week, alternating the day off so as to… keep him on said toes. Aka fuck that guy.

[void-speaking]

I feel like an alchemist when I try to balance how many Monsters I should drink with my panic meds and also some vitamins and maybe some pain meds for that extra ~flavor~

If my body is gonna be a bitch, then so am I.

[void-speaking]

I am sooo siiiiick of my bodyyyyy~ 💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼 every single time I tell myself I have to work, it goes through the same stupid motions:

I need to work -> ugh, my stomach hurts… -> no really, it’s getting painful… -> am I actually going to vomit?? -> *trip to the bathroom later* ahahaaa now what, douchebag body?? There’s nothing left in there! Aka: nothing to stop me from working! -> my body really aches and I’m exhausted… but I’ve endured worse! -> *trembles* …don’t. 😐 -> aaand panic attack 🤗 repeat panic attacks until I officially give up even thinking about working 🤪

But naaahnahnah, I didn’t qualify for disability. Not because I’m not disabled, they just didn’t contact me for 8 months only to deny my application because they never actually pulled my records I signed for release 🥰

I’m mad. So very, very angry. And I keep asking myself “maybe I’m just faking to get out of working?” as if I’m some naughty child instead of a grown ass adult who gets very provably, physically sick from anxiety…

[void-speaking]

Me: Do I… love anyone? Have I ever? Do I even know how?

Me to me: Ofc you do, you dissociating twat 🙄 jfc, am I gonna have to follow you around all day??

[void-speaking]

Today… is unfortunate. My mental health tanked and I am nowhere near tired enough to sleep 😞 I’m just sitting in the dark now because that’s about all I can handle.

I keep trying to cut things out of my life until I’m able to handle it, to the point where I think “I’m at the bare minimum of survival” but then I manage to find more things to give up on… like, I just gave up on dinner because I’m so anxious lately that it’s making me sick (I’ve been at least hydrating).

People always say “you have to be willing to save yourself” but like… it’s been a year, and I have proven I can’t. And it’s not for lack of wanting. That isn’t me saying it’s other people’s problem, but ??? wtf am I supposed to do? What I genuinely need is for someone to forcefully drag me out of this depression I’ve been rotting in. That’s what it’s come down to.

My agoraphobia has been severe for a year. I have left my apartment less than 20 times in a year. I have been plagued by 1-10 panic attacks a week for a year. And my family absofuckinlutely knows, they’re the ones bringing me food/house me after all. I feel like a pet that everyone pities but won’t spend time with because it makes them uncomfortable…

…fuck, dude. I’m so sick of it. Idk how to ask for help more than I already have. It’s easier for them to let me rot, yet they don’t want me to die. I’m lifeless.

[void-speaking]

I keep telling myself “I’ll just take a nap and do the important things when I have a little more energy” and I started that ideology a year ago and wouldn’t you know it, I still haven’t done any of the important things 🫠

[void-speaking]

I wanna read… I need to sleep… I really, really need to work…

[void-speaking]

Vent post yayayaya 🥳

The last ~3 days my depression has taken a teensy weensy step back, which has allowed me to work, read, do chores, and even talk to family… but my anxiety took its place immediately and my body hurts so badly from the frequent panic attacks 🫠 it was 4 yesterday and 5 today thus far…

So yay, I can do stuff! But yikes, I make myself sick and panic over and over all day long! I had to do the 😳😵‍💫 pause earlier because I thought I was going to puke (I had worked 1.5 hours and was thinking of continuing, silly me!)

[void-speaking]

You know when you’re too sad to do “fun” things because you don’t want to force yourself to act happy when you’re not, but you also don’t want to do sad things because then it seems like you’re wallowing and trying to make it worse so you just kinda _(:‚‹」∠)_ ?

[void-speaking]

Me after working two (2) hours:

Did I do it?… did I make enough to buy those stories? Did I make him proud? 🖐️😮‍💨

[shubbabang]

[dark-wizard-guy-fieri]

context (via @mellorocket)

[chimthecappy]

doubly funny that I saw a compilation of all the corporate accounts like "aw thanks elmo, we're doing well" meanwhile all the flesh and blood real human people are extremely not okay

[artistefish]

Okay but Elmo had actually the best and sweetest response to all this trauma dumping:

And then all the other Sesame Street character accounts joined in:

And now I’m thinking maybe we’re gonna be okay… 💗

(Comment compilation from this Twitter)

[aqueerkettleofish]

I kinda feel for the poor person running Elmo's Twitter.

"So, boss... I may have messed up."

"What did you do, Ray?"

"Well, I made a post for Elmo saying 'Hi, how's everybody doing?'"

"I mean, that's kind of what we pay you for."

"Yeah, but.... <sigh> it turns out pretty much everyone is hanging on by a thread, badly enough that they needed to tell Elmo."

"Oh."

"God help me, boss, I think Elmo needs to be there for them."

"Get the others."

[shu-of-the-wind]

this is the energy that jim henson would be proud of.

[anna-neko]

and important addition

Source: instagram

[traumasurvivors]

Even if I didn’t have a solid plan, in the back of my head, I always assumed I’d kill myself.

Now I’m an adult and people my age have their lives in order and I’m stuck here, confused, because I never planned to be alive and I’m so far behind.

I feel like I’ll never catch up.

[traumasurvivors]

Hey all.

I want to make an addition to this. I made this post a long time ago.

I’m currently back in university, and I’ve made so much progress with my trauma. I’m in a loving relationship.

Things can and will get better. It’s not too late.

Nothing is perfect by any means. But I’m happy I’m still here and didn’t kill myself. I hope you get to that point, too 💕

[traumasurvivors]

The addition is important! I see the original post circulating a lot, but the addition is important!

[traumasurvivors]

New addition two years later. I’m still going strong!

I’m getting married. I’m still in that loving relationship.

I’ve learned that there’s no real timeline. It’s okay. And while it sucks that I lost time, there’s still so much for me to experience and enjoy.

[traumasurvivors]

Newest addition. 7 years after the original post!

I got married last month! My dog is laying on me snoring. I’ve learned to have healthy friendships and relationships. I’ve learned that I’m not alone and that even when things are hard, I’m going to be okay.