So I Can Still Yell Into The Void

[voidnumber9]

Feeling useless and unwanted. Logically I know it’s not true but very emotionally disregulated atm

[voidnumber9]

Gar adoring rye pulling mostly new ones on me this morning. Unfamiliar territory?

And the familiar ones are the right tone to hurt a little bit.

[voidnumber9]

Each love is different, and that is no more apparent than when you are a lover of three

[voidnumber9]

Polyamory be like, hey, you ever miss someone from across the room?

[voidnumber9]

The calendar isn’t a competition (none of this is a competition) There’s no prize for “most blocks covered”

It’s information, not an indication of emotional connection.

Someone’s frequency on your own calendar doesn’t change their place in your heart, why would the opposite be true?

[voidnumber9]

If left to my own devices and patterns I would totally end up being a “wife guy.” Just totally glom onto one person and get all my social and emotional needs met by one person and their friends by proxy.

But there’s this older guy who has brought cookies to the store a couple times (store bought cookies, too; he didn’t bake them) and I heard that his story is “oh yeah, his wife died a while ago and now that’s his thing. He brings cookies to different businesses.” And if that’s all he has how sad. I don’t want to end up outliving my “one person” and having “buy things to take to other places I buy things” be the social interaction I have left.

Polyamory for all its ups and downs forces me to socialize beyond any partner because I can’t be 100% “theirs.” I want to have several varied connections and be in practice of making new ones so my life is less lonely in the future.

[voidnumber9]

Geez RSD sucks. Just bc the last few minutes were a bit awkward feeling, my brain wants to exaggerate any other “not perfect” moment and tell me the whole thing was awkward and I shouldn’t have gone. I had fun though! And I’m sure so did everybody else! But brain is mean!

I guess I feel like I horned in since the earliest version of the plan didn’t involve me.

And it feels like asking for reassurance that it wasn’t awkward would just make it awkward lol.

But I can feel better just thinking about the good parts, and the other parts of the day too.

[voidnumber9]

I was expecting fireworks

But maybe it’s not that kind of celebration

Maybe this is a campfire or hearth

Slowly growing warm and comfortable

[voidnumber9]

Speedrun of depressive episode-rushed decision-colossal fuckup-maybe polyamory doesn’t work-hard conversations-eventual forgiveness %

Lots of emotions tonight but here’s the dumbest one: tomorrow will be the first time my parents will have a chance to talk to me after gathering enough clues about my lifestyle. It would have been really awkward to have had it blow up in my face less than 24 hours prior. At least now it can be “yeah it’s hard but it works”

[voidnumber9]

Leave it to me to take an overwhelming show of love and support and turn it into a colossal fuck up

[voidnumber9]

Dog this fucking hurts. I fucked it up so bad. I was blinded by love and support in a trying time and idk overplayed it. And didn’t think about anyone else. I may have screwed up the best thing. I had going for me.

I haven’t cried for real in years. Not for anyone else

[voidnumber9]

Not girlfriend as in Partner I feel exactly the same about as my other Partner, but girlfriend as in I’m committing time and effort to the relationship and we go on dates and kiss

[polyamzeal]

[voidnumber9]

So I sometime still feel that “stab” feeling when I hear about something my Partner has done or will do. I originally thought as I advanced through the ranks of polyamory I would feel it less or perhaps become immune.

But as my newer partner said, you don’t trade in your human card and stop feeling emotions just because you’re polyamorous.

They also reminded me that there’s two kinds of jealousy/envy: the kind where you don’t want the other to have the thing, and the kind where you just want the thing too. Once I reached the clear light of day I realized the stab happens on the second one too.

I’m envious that I haven’t had those experiences too, whether it’s because I haven’t had the opportunity or lack the boldness to take advantage of them.

[voidnumber9]

Despite it being coined by polyamorists, NRE isn’t exclusive to polyamory, any new relationship will experience it.

What is exclusive to polyamory though, is the head trip of feeling NRE and Stable Relationship Energy at the same time.

It’s cool though

[voidnumber9]

Maybe I should get back into making music with other people. It can be fun, it can be incredibly ‘intimate,’ there’s research to support it bonds you together in a way, and no one cares if you do it with more than one person.

Yes, this post is about polyamory too.

[voidnumber9]

Getting bodied again by the difference between “thinking about the thing” and “the thing being real”

I’m physically sick about it.

But it’s gotta be temporary, right? These little pains come and go, but ending the relationship would be more pain and longer, right?

No. I can’t end it over this. Over one bad day of negative feedback. My Partner means too much to me.

What they give to others doesn’t mean less for me (excepting time, and that’s been assured)

“You are important to me”

And no, brain shifting the “blame” to someone else isn’t healthy either. Gotta figure out the root of the feelings and stop feeling band o out feeling bad.

What I might actually be upset about: (no particular order)

The apparent or perceived compromise of ethics of starting a relationship (of whatever kind) after this persons partner’s unethical(or maybe just shitty) actions against a friend/meta. I mean, these two left the community after they didn’t like what feedback they were getting, why is it ok to immediately start something?

Normal monogamy/exvangelical brain shit telling me something here is “wrong” (total bullshit that I just need to deprogram)

Some kind of rsd thing at not being able to immediately match with this new partner’s partner. Which honestly was just an emotional grasping action to begin with, I don’t really care maybe I just wanted to be “even” somehow.

Jealousy at the above missed match and that I can’t just effortlessly fall into new entanglements whether I want them or not.

[voidnumber9]

At the moment of now. My heart rate is up but also now thinking about it is hot again? I guess taking about it and spending the night eased my mind