Ron Swanson Sentence Starters
No one is safe from these bastards.
As long as I sit still and don't move my head, or torso, I'm good. I got this.
I have the "Dorothy Every Time Smurf Girl Trophy for Excellence in Female Stuff".
And just like that, the one thing I enjoyed about government is clubbed to death before my eyes.
What's a non-gay way to ask him to go camping with me?
You just violated rules number one and three. You lose your coffee privileges.
Listen well, for I will not be saying this ever again: I have a compromise.
...what the fuck is a German muffin?
I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.
On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last time.
Enjoy the fact that your overlords are a frail old woman and a tiny baby.
I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food. And most of my stuff.
Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.
Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.
I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.
Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators.
I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.
Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.
I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.
Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.
No home is complete without a proper toolbox.
Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have.
When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.
There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.
The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.
People are idiots, [NAME]
The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am.
I’m not interested in caring about people.
I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.
When I eat, it is the food that is scared.
My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton’s Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.
Are you going to tell a man that he can’t fart in his own car?
Turkey can never beat cow.
It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.
There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.
Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.
Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.
Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
There is only one bad word: taxes.
History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.
Cultivating a manly musk puts opponent on notice.
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.
Child labor laws are ruining this country.
Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.
America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.
The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.
There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.
Shorts over six inches are capri pants, shorts under six inches are European.
Friends: one to three is sufficient.
There must be a mistake. You've accidentally given me the foodthat food eats.
There is no wrong way to consume alcohol.
Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.
Breakfast food can serve many purposes.
Honor: if you need it defined, you don’t have it.
One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.
Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.
I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.
You had me at meat tornado.
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