sage @w4ste-the-night - Tumblr Blog

what do you mean i can’t look the way i did when i was seventeen forever ??

breakfast plans with my siblings fell through and it feels like just another sign for me to not eat and to relapse :(

I'm not better. Okay? I'm not better. And I keep waiting for someone to figure it out. But they don't. Of course they don't. Cause when I say the right thing, I act the right way, that means they cure me right?

Emma Chota, Red Band Society

in a lapse in recovery and it’s feeling closer to relapse every day. i can’t stop picking foods that my ed approves of. my clinicians think that i’m doing great and that i want to recover but the truth is that all i want to do is relapse. they think i haven’t exercised since i started treatment two months ago but i’ve been exercising in the shower. i can’t stop consuming thinspo and looking back at old bodychecks.

i could list 1000 reasons why i want to recover but my to my ed, none of them matter and all i truly want is to stay with my ed. it’s just a shitty reminder that this is an illogical disorder.

i’ve had to gain fifteen pounds in two months and they want me to gain more. i was told to look at my weight when they weigh me twice a week so i can be desensitized to it, but all it has done is pushed me closer to a relapse. i felt so relieved when the number didn’t go up during my second weighing because i’ve been trying to do subtle things to stop it from going up. i feel like i’m going insane being in recovery and doing all of these things. i want to get out of treatment so bad so i can relapse.

#3d thoughts

finally losing again yay <3

#i wanna be weightless #im not hungry