Wa(o)nderer

Dear reader, I hope you find peace.

[wa-onderer]

Take every difficulty as a challenge. There is no growth when comfort is present, so jump and fall, the end is just the beginning. It is always the first steps---the hardest, but you will never know unless you try.

[wa-onderer]

I miss the days when my right hand feels numb because of writing and my eyes hurt because of too much reading.

[wa-onderer]

I need an ice cream

[wa-onderer]

You are your truest self when you're alone. And right now, I can't weather the storms.

[wa-onderer]

T.T

[wa-onderer]

As a reader I thought I have felt this line deep in my bones. "To be loved, is to be known." I never thought it could be carved inside me. I'm cryingggg

[wa-onderer]

Stuck with the emotions of Andres' letter to Oryang. My heart, I want that kind of love, a love that is so powerful even though centuries passed I still feel it in my bones like someone wrote a love letter that immortalized their emotions. Give me that kind of love and I will immortalize you.

[wa-onderer]

Love only gets old when you let it.

[wa-onderer]

There's this old man who was so fatherly. I bought a coffee and accidentally spilled some of it, the usual me, I automatically said sorry even if I knew it was not my fault, it was handed to me without the lid being fixed, but since it's my coffee I said sorry before I even saw who owns the pair of shoes that tasted my coffee before me. When he saw that I was genuinely sorry he gave me that reassuring look and said, "You're good honey, that's okay, I can wipe my shoes, look for yourself you might have bruises; your coffee is hot." I smiled and said sorry twice, he then smiled and shook his head. "It's not even a mistake you should be sorry for. You're good honey, you can enjoy your coffee now. Don't let the spilled coffee ruin the rest that's left in your cup that might complete your day."

😭

[wa-onderer]

I don't know what happened to me either. I was so full of life and so nosy way back in high school. I'm frank and speak what's in my mind. I don't know what happened. Suddenly I fear people. Today I went to a public market near where my sister and I rent a house. It took me 20 minutes to walk and find the market, but it took me 30 minutes to look for a girl who sells shrimp and muscles. When men approached me to buy from them, I knew how to say no, but today I chose to quietly pass by. If a high schoolmate would see how I acted, s/he might not believe I turned out this way. Looking back, I have changed so much. I lost the bubbly side of me, I lost the courageous girl who is being feared by men in her classroom, I lost the smart girl who knows how to shut a man's mouth. It seems like there is so much to heal, I hope I am becoming the person I was praying for. I'm clueless at the moment about who I am becoming, but I hope this year, I will not lose myself.

[wa-onderer]

Hey, what do you mean?

[wa-onderer]

Rereading the books I used to read

[wa-onderer]

Oh if only I'm the man.

[wa-onderer]

It's heartwarming when you know why people love some "simple things" and realize how deeply people love. If you ask me what is my favorite color, I'd only say "purple". But I am waiting for you to ask me why. Often, why's aren't asked, but today someone did. I said because it reminds me of someone who loves the color purple. Whenever I see it, I feel the emotions that person made me feel. Flashbacks of memories we shared run through my head and the warmth of her love spreads like wildfire in me, reminding me how cold life is now that she's gone. And I wonder, I wonder why that person loves purple, I wonder if purple reminds her of a person or a memory. And when I realized that colors began to change meanings because of how I perceive life, I no longer believed what other people tell me to feel when I see each color presented in front of me.

[wa-onderer]

Don't you think it's too much to laugh at someone's weaknesses and traumas?

[wa-onderer]

Hi! I miss writing my thoughts. The past months have been so overwhelming and I didn't have the time to reflect and process my emotions. And as a person who feels deeply and overthinks, I feel like I'm a bomb buying its time to explode; and I don't want that to happen. I'd probably be here for a few more days or weeks or I might come back once in a while. I hope I'll have the courage to express these emotions so I can sleep soundly and seize the days that will come.

[wa-onderer]

Just in case someone needs to know, I did not like anything on that day except the joy I brought to the girls.