Waiting for Baby W

[waitingforbbwilson]

Baby on the way

I somehow got locked out of my Tumblr account but the login works now. Not sure if anyone is still here...but we're expecting our son August 11th, 2017 😄. Happily, this pregnancy has gone smoothly so far, and we're near the finish line. The first trimester was HARD (mentally and emotionally)and I didn't dare hope it would result in a healthy baby because I was terrified of getting shot down again. Somewhere in the middle of second trimester, I started to relax and trust my body. Now we get to feel our baby squirm and kick and he has a name it's the best. He is already so loved by so many people, and we can't wait to meet him.

[waitingforbbwilson]

Tomorrow was supposed to be announcement time

I keep thinking what has happened is behind me and then...people pop up on YouTube and instagram announcing they're pregnant, and I realize that they got pregnant the same time as me only I didn't make it to this milestone. Not a good feeling.

[waitingforbbwilson]

2 weeks ago my HCG quant was 89. Today it’s 9. I would’ve thought it would be long gone by now. Looks like one more blood draw. Emotionally I guess I’m ok. It’s sad to think about and it’d be nice to have this HCG countdown behind me. You know, so I don’t have to keep thinking about it. Last week my coworker asked me when I was going to have a baby already and I just shrugged and said “I don’t know” I’d just gotten to a point where I was able to distract myself from it and not cry and her question just ripped out the stitches. I haven't told anyone except for a couple of friends

[tweetsdaily]

[tildeath0001]

yo who the fuck..

[waitingforbbwilson]

No matter what, I got my fur babies. This one has been extra sweet and cuddly with me today.

[waitingforbbwilson]

It was a miscarriage. I feel relieved in an odd way. I wanted this baby, of course, and I really wanted good news today, and will try again when we’re ready. I’m just relieved the torment of not knowing for sure is over. Now that I know, I can heal. That’s a good thing.

And I won’t be peeing on a stick on a whim anymore. I feel like if I hadn’t found out so early I might have just thought this was a period.

I think having the physical burden of the miscarriage allowed me to process while it was happening. I knew in my heart something wasnt right even as I remained hopeful. It has just hit my husband today. I have been through the tears and heartbreak these past two weeks and seemed cold in comparison to his reaction today. It was just that I had already reacted and let myself feel my feelings. I hope he will do the same for himself. It’s a shitty feeling but once you get to the other side, you start feeling better.

[waitingforbbwilson]

Almost There

Tomorrow is my follow up appointment in which they will probably tell me I indeed miscarried. I'm so ready. I can't move on until this is confirmed. My gut feeling says "miscarriage." I'm sad but accepting of it. I won't be ready to try again right off the bat. I'll need a few months. HOWEVER. My emotions are terrible. Not only am I off my paxil (did it for baby and not going back on it because it's very very hard to taper off), I suspect my hormones are wacky as well. I can't stand to be around anyone. I just want my space. My husband wants to busy himself so he doesn't have time to think about what happened, but I don't. I want to just stop for awhile. Do nothing. Wallow. He has been tasking me with all these moving in to new house activities and when I try to go along with them I just end up frustrated and angry. I'm usually a very easy going person who doesn't let things ruin my day. I've been letting anything and everything ruin my month and I don't like it one bit. I have started some light exercise again. If I get the go ahead from the dr tomorrow, I'll go back to pre-pregnancy workouts. Gotta get those endorphins.

[waitingforbbwilson]

Just noting it

I got my hcg quant results: 1384 at 5 ish weeks. I think that’s ok..but it could’ve dropped this past week if I did miscarry so that number is pretty useless right now.

I had nausea this morning but that isn’t necessarily because of pregnancy. I’m trying to stay skeptical…it hurts less.

The bleeding lasted 7 days and then stopped. It was about the usual length of my periods. It stopped being red on the 5th day and went brown for the last. No physical pain accompanied it.

5 more days until appointment. By then they should be able to detect a heartbeat. Or not.

[waitingforbbwilson]

Over

Today I went from deciding to assume I’m still pregnant until the doctor says otherwise to let’s go ahead and call it a loss because I can’t deal with this now (on top of finishing moving to our new place this weekend). I’d rather be pleasantly surprised by a miracle than crushed from having high hopes. I can feel myself detaching from the situation..as best as one can when you carry a physical reminder with you every time you go to the bathroom.

And really, you probably don’t pass the clots I’ve been having and get good news.

I’m so sad. Never thought this would happen to me. Next time will be better.

I’m still watching out for “get yourself to the ER signs." Hopefully it won’t come to that.

It’s so true. You can be proactive and do everything right. A miscarriage is out of your control.

[waitingforbbwilson]

Day 5

Today is day 5 of bleeding. Although it's not as heavy and full of slime as it was the day of my ultrasound, I'm still passing dark clots with red blood.No pain yet. Streaks on the pads. Most of the clots fall into the toilet when I pee. My bbt has dropped a bit but still higher than my normal pre-pregnancy temperature. Feeling a bit nauseous but I don't know if it's due to a viable pregnancy or impending miscarriage (if it hasn't already happened). I go between accepting I'm probably going to lose this one and hopefulness. I read about some women bleeding like a stuck pig and still continuing their pregnancy...and the no pain thing gives me hope. I try not to expect good news next ultrasound. From what I've read I will be crushed whether I let myself hope or not so I might as well remain positive. If it is a loss, then I don't really feel betrayed by my body for recognizing something was wrong and closing down shop. I was just really excited to finally get to be a mom. I know I will be one day

[marisatomay]

kids baking competitions are amazing

[sarahmichelllegellar-deactivate]

nothing that happens tonight will be as iconic as lorde’s reaction to getting a grammy

[waitingforbbwilson]

OB Visit

I was able to get worked in for an ultrasound and check up concerning my bleeding. They did see the baby in the sac and put me at 5 weeks. They said it’s possible I ovulated later than I thought. They said it’s possibly implantation bleeding but that it could also be a threatened miscarriage. They weren’t too too concerned about the bleeding because I’ve barely had any cramps and the ones I do have are so mild there’s no discomfort. I also have yet to soak a pad, even overnight. It’s just a lot when I wipe. But it’s a bit like that time during your period where you’re definitely still bleeding but can get away without wearing a tampon or pad. There’s no mistaking it though. It’s bright red and slimy.

At any rate, it’s too early to find a heartbeat so I just have to wait until it’s time for another ultrasound. They took a blood sample so they can check my HCG levels.

I’m hoping for the best but bracing for the worst.

[waitingforbbwilson]

Blood

Sadly I think I may be miscarrying. It started this morning with dark brown, mucous type blood when I wiped and then turned bright rusty red with drips of blood into the toilet. No cramps, though. I kind of wish, if it’s a miscarriage, for cramps. I don’t like the ambiguity of it all. If its a miscarriage, let it hurt, so I can know. It looks like the start of a period. I would be 6 weeks and 1 day today. It’s not a lot of blood but enough to concern me. I’m just monitoring my bleeding and symptoms now. Trying to have a very clinical point of view about it. That is, if it’s not viable, better to find out now than later.

Husband is upset :( He needed my comforting, which I understand. He’s been through a lot the past year with his Crohns. In and out of hospitals, surgery, depression. He feels like he can’t catch a break). Things were just starting to get better for him.

I know things look bleak but also know there’s still a chance baby could be fine. I’m steeling myself for the appointment. If I am indeed miscarrying then maybe the dr can find out why. I am 33. We put off ttc due to my husbands health. I just want our baby already. I’ve never heard of anyone in my family or his miscarrying, but maybe that’s just because people don’t tend to talk about it. We will see soon enough. I’m not holding out hope.

[waitingforbbwilson]

This is how I want to announce our pregnancy (January baby) to our families. Obviously change the year to 2017. Little one isn't due till January 14th, but it's still the New Year's month! I say it totally counts. For my parents we will present them with a “locally grown” state pride onesie, since their other grandchildren are long-distance and my mom has been going on and on about getting to have a “local grandbaby” someday. I can’t wait to tell them, but I have been enjoying my secret :)

[waitingforbbwilson]

Rude nurse

I am, according to Ovia, approximately 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I’ll have my first ultrasound late May.

I have been trying all year to taper off of Paxil, although my doctor seems to think it should be a piece of cake. If you have ever tried to get off of Paxil, even “sensibly” by slowly tapering off, you know what I’m talking about. Brain zaps, vomiting, loss of appetite, dizziness, overwhelming sadness. It makes it very hard to function at work. I have been patiently weaning myself off it, but as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I had no choice but to stop it cold turkey. On a particularly bad day this week, I decided to call my doctor and ask about being put on a pregnancy-safe anti-anxiety medication temporarily to take the edge off during the hell that is cold turkey paxil withdrawal. 

I guess I was naive to think that my doctor and his staff would have any compassion for my situation. I explained the situation to the nurse over the phone and she said, very shortly, “If you’re pregnant and you have a problem with your medication, then YOU talk to your OBSTETRICIAN about it.” Then she slammed down the phone. She made it clear that she was not interested in helping me, so I’m finding a new doctor. When you are hormonal and having a bad paxil day, it hurts to realize you can’t rely on your doctor. Even if he was a great doctor, rude nurses, especially when I’m in a fragile state (I’m talking the paxil withdrawal symptoms here), are a deal breaker for me.

  I feel he didn’t listen to me and dismissed my accounts of my paxil withdrawal symptoms, anyway. If I had to tell him what made me finally leave, I’d tell him it was his nurse. She dismissed me when I needed help. She acted as if I was asking the stupidest question and was unworthy of her time. Am I wrong in thinking that I’m supposed to address medication concerns with the doctor who prescribed them? What would my obstetrician be able to do about it? 

[mercedesbenzodiazepine]