Wake Me Up

The longings of a heart fully alive, trapped in a body daily dying. (2 Corinthians 4:16)

[wakingdeadheartalive]

Me: *tries to go to bed earlier than usual*

Me: ...

Me: *stays up later than usual*

[wakingdeadheartalive]

“Sometimes love has to be outraged, because it won’t sit down and take anymore of this. Sometimes love has to get up and fight.”

— J.S. Park (via jspark3000)

[jspark3000]

I have been at hundreds of deathbeds and I have never once expected anyone to mourn their abuser. There may be rage, or relief, or a long exhale. But there is zero obligated sorrow for someone who embodied tyranny and suffocation over a family for years, for a lifetime. You’re not obligated to grieve an abuser, an oppressor, a monster. We can grieve they were a person and a bearer of life. We can grieve what they might have been and what they have taken. And that’s about all I can say on that.

[lesbiandotorg]

i Hate that whenever i express frustration or pain or hopelessness about being an autistic adult attempting to live independently without most of the supports and accommodations i realistically need to function well and be happy in my life, people will tell me im just down on myself or im just having a hard time right now but when i calm down i wont feel so bad. i am overwhelmed and barely scraping by every day of my life. just because i do not say to you every day “i am overwhelmed and don’t know how much longer i can try to keep this up” doesnt mean i dont feel it every day. it means im trying not to dwell on the fact that my situation *is* basically hopeless. it means im trying to enjoy the parts of my life i can. it means im not going to be a drain on the people around me and damage my relationships by complaining constantly. i’m not catastrophizing because i’m upset—i’m upset enough to vocalize the feeling of impending doom that is always roiling inside me

[wakingdeadheartalive]

Hopping back on here because this is the void into which I scream my deepest, darkest thoughts where hopefully no one in my real life will ever read them. I’m finally (finally!) late-diagnosed with Autism at 31 yrs old. Yay me. But really, yay me! Because now I have undeniable proof that I’m not broken and my brain is just fundamentally different than everyone else and wow it just explains everything in my life up until now in stark, glaring relief. I’m happysadmadrelievedterrifiedlost and finally feeling “seen” for the first time maybe…ever. Life is weird.

[jspark3000]

“For what will it profit a man

if he gains the whole world,

and loses his own soul?”

— Mark 8:36

This can be taken as a warning,

but I also take it to mean

that your soul

every human soul

is worth a whole world.

Don’t throw people under profit

for by doing so you also

throw away yourself.

[bebsi-cola]

all my love to other autistic people who just know jack shit. the ones who have no "infodump" locked and loaded, nothing they can rattle off the top of their head. the ones who have a specific interest in certain things but still not knowing a lot about it. autistic people who will never be able to memorise fun facts about something no matter how fundamental it is to them as a subject. the point of autistic interests are not being a secret expert on random shit, you just like it a real big amount

[wakingdeadheartalive]

It's my 12 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[wakingdeadheartalive]

[wakingdeadheartalive]

What’s the worst that could happen—if I accepted this body, this skin, as it is—what would happen? Would I finally learn to love my own reflection?

What’s the worst that could happen—if I start to practice radical self-compassion? Would I put aside my judgments and grow more compassionate with others in turn?

What’s the worst that could happen—if I paused first, reacted later? Would I “lose” the argument but gain the love I’m truly after?

What would happen if I let the “worst” happen?

And what if my “best” option becomes my prison—my safest choice my shackles—and the “worst case scenario” is actually my freedom?

[wakingdeadheartalive]

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you still feel for a person until they’re gone. We were not close for many, many years, but my uncle passed way too soon and my heart is breaking much more than I realized it would. We had a very odd relationship but it was always loving, even in the distant years, there were always “I love you”s and “I miss you”s. Fondness never suffered, even though we barely spoke anymore. Now, we will never speak again and I’m wishing I heard his voice just one last time, had one more crushing hug, one more loud sloppy kiss on my head, and an annoying jab in my ribs, just because he liked to pick on me—as good uncles do. So many memories, not all happy or good, but plenty of moments I’ll keep close forever. I hope you found peace at last, you troubled, creative, enigmatic soul. 💔 I love you.

[awetistic-things]

me for 16 years before i found out i was autistic:

[wakingdeadheartalive]

Back on Tumblr bc maybe this is the app where I can openly explore all the possibilities of “what’s really causing my mental illness and chronic fatigue?” without all the toxic or unnecessary advice/suggestions/tips that have not helped me for literally MY ENTIRE LIFE. I grew up homeopathic, connected to nature, without a lot of devices or excess television, learning at my own pace, daily practicing spiritual methods of journaling, prayer, worship, mindfulness, etc., and these issues or quirks or whatever you want to name them, have never “resolved”.

[wakingdeadheartalive]

Recently I was hit with the very alarming thought that I kind of wished I was sick. I immediately felt guilt and a sense of shame for even THINKING such a thing, but then I realized the real root behind it was not an actual desire to be unwell—I hate being sick, like most normal humans—but rather, a need and desire for REST that I sadly only feel “worthy” of when my body is physically ill. Emotionally, mentally, and even physically I’m spent; unfortunately, taking space for myself to recover without having a physical manifestation of symptoms (fever, chills, cough, stomachache, headache, etc.) leaves me with imposter syndrome—feeling like I’m faking it or that I’m weak. So, I ALMOST wish I was sick because people seem to be willing to support you only then, or to give you a pass on telling them ‘no’.

[free-my-mindd]

[wakingdeadheartalive]

[wakingdeadheartalive]

It's my 10 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳