“Hank? I think we need to talk.”
“Shit, Connor. Are you breaking up with me?”
“What? I don’t see how I can ‘break up with you’ if-”
“That was a joke, Connor.”
“Oh. Okay. Anyway, can I have some advice? I feel like there’s been an error in my programming.”
“There are literally hundreds of androids who do this for a living and you come to me for help?”
“… It sounded right at the time. It’s not exactly an error, per se. I believe it could be problems due to my recent deviancy.”
“So, like… feelings? You want to talk to me about your feelings?”
“… what a day. Alright, Connor. Go ahead. Let me be your shrink.”
“Well… It all started when I met Markus.”
“The deviant leader? The guy we hunted down? The guy you literally would’ve shot in the forehead?”
“So I started talking to him more. He’s just so… enticing? Charming? Eloquent? I don’t know anymore, Hank.”
“And when he talks, I never listen. I just like hearing what he sounds like. He’s really nice, too! He trusts me and asks me how I am. Markus is… he’s so perfect and I simply can’t function around him. I need help.”
Connor buried his face in his hands and sunk into the sofa next to the lieutenant with a deep sigh.
“Oh, Jesus. You might as well tell me how he’s ‘the light of your life’ or ‘the fire of your loins’.”
“I mean you have a crush on him, Connor.”
“I searched what that means. Believe me, Hank, pulverizing Markus inwards by forcefully compressing him is the last thing on my agenda.”
“Not that kind of crush, you idiot. Like the ‘I like him so much and I wanna have his babies!’ kind of crush.”
“I don’t think it is physically possible for me to have his babies yet.”
“Okay, that ‘yet’ you added there really creeps me out.”
“Regardless, do you really think that I have a crush on him?”
“Connor, I know you have a crush on him.”
“What do I do now, then? Apparently, Cyberlife chose not to add ‘coping with having a crush on the deviant leader’ to my skill set.”
Hank awkwardly patted the despairing android’s back.
“Well, why don’t you tell him?”
“And risk losing whatever sort of companionship we have now? I think not!”
“Well, the fuck do you expect me to do? Paint your nails and talk about how beautifully sculpted his jawline is?”
“But you painted my nails last week!”
“You were finding yourself, okay?! I just wanted to help. Get off my dick, you fucking android.”
“Alright, alright. Whatever. So… what are you two exactly? Friends, partners…?”
“This is gunna take a while. Do you guys hang out or something? Maybe you should start there.”
“Well, I do suck his penis every Wednesdays. Does that count as anything?”
“Yes- wait. WHAT THE FUCK, CONNOR?”
“Fuck. You. I didn’t need to know that.”
“I know what I said! I just… does he at least take you out for dinner?”
“Yes! We like trying new foods for androids as often as we can.”
“Like, alone? Just the two of you?”
“Yes. We go out together on the regular. Does that mean anything?”
“Connor, I hate to break it to you, but you and Markus are dating.”
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