I’ve been trying to make an organization work again, The Brainless Horde. When the RHZ stopped operations, it effected me personally, greatly, emotionally. In many ways it broke my heart, the The Redheaded Zombie show was, to me, one of those few things a person has to make themselves bust their ass through every day monotony. The catch is, something I understand more then I did then, busting your ass is exhausting. It’s physically and emotionally draining when the results arrant fulfilling.
The last Brainless Horde Presents was a shit show. 7 people, who weren’t invited artists, weren’t group members, and weren’t musicians, even showed up. There was a snow storm, two acts called out 10 minuets before the show began. I know how small “this” was before I got involved, but that can’t of failure was worse then I’ve ever been part of. This time, a big part of it was my fault, I’d claim all of it, but half of the problems leading up to this were the result of me taking too much responsibility and carrying too much on my shoulders. Selfishly I felt small.
Now here’s why. The comeback show was amazing. Great line up, team, performances, artists venues. The Coffee Exchange felt like home for the first time in months. Before that, it was rocky. One of our sound guys invited in a woman to help with the art side of things, her name was Melanie. She does great work, knows other amazing artists personally, and she could network. I was happy to have her. Things for that first show came together slowly, it was getting to the point where I didn’t think I could give an artists enough time to illustrate a flier. Melanie offered to make the flier, I gave her the details, thanked her for jumping on the job, and waited. Then, two weeks before the start of the show, the flier was late. Melanie did not have a lot of time, the reason I didn’t give the job to another artist. So I told her it was completely alright, just that I wanted to announce the show’s details. In past experiences, it’s crucial to get start promoting no later then two weeks before the show. I created a short term image to announce the show and asked permission to use it, I didn’t want her to feel I was trying to over shadow her or take her job. I never got a response, just that the flier would be out soon. I wanted some kind of time table, so I once again included how important that two week period was, and then asked. I never got a strait answer. The last day before the two week period would have started, I asked if it would be ready, and then she told me to stop making everyone feel uncomfortable just because I was nervous. I, again, I said how important it was for the announcement to come before that two week period, and asked again if I could use my temporary design. She then told me to stop harassing her. I told her that was not my intention and that I would much rather her make something she was proud of, then rush through it. She took what I said, and told me that I was trying to infer that she was self conscious, that she wouldn’t like her own work. I did not mean that, I did not say that, it was all taken from the “make something she was proud of, then rush through it” comment. She got the flier in by the deadline, a few hours before midnight. I thanked her for the work. The show was great, but despite her being a featured artist, and being present the entire time, I didn’t speak to her at the show, because I didn’t want to accidentally start something. However I over heard her yelling at my sound guy outside “I hate her, this is my scene, my scene!”. We had a short meeting about the show, what was good, what was bad, and plans for the future but no discomforts where brought up. Again, I was afraid to accidentally start something.
Of course, previous to that, there was president for her reaction. Early on, I had told everyone involved that they shouldn’t look at me as a boss. I didn’t want to lead this. I wanted it to feel like an equal effort for everyone. Despite that, I had been told repeatedly that I was the boss, or that everyone in the group would be coming to me for the answers. Granted she didn’t say that, but I acted by what I was hearing. My girlfriend wanted to be a part of this. At the beginning of the the RHZ, she was. Despite being in and out of it, out for most of it, sense I was involved, she wanted to help start this. So I added her to the group (the facebook group was symbolic I guess). Melanie thought I had made an executive choice without asking, and it wasn’t my place. She didn’t want a romantic relationship involved with this, and she had said that Liv (my girlfriend) had a past romantic relationship with someone else in the group. I know Timmy and I know it wasn’t him, I know Sean and Liv has never met him. So, Melanie was referring to Brandon, our sound guy. I thought nothing of it, but Liv knowing about it, told me that she thought he was cute in high school, and probably flirted with him. After dating for 3 years, I pretty much trust Liv more then anyone. No one else needed to go through some kind of initiation to be a part of the show, so I did not believe that I over stepped any boundaries. However, I didn’t, and don’t, want to be seen as the boss in this group. Because of that, I removed Liv from the group amediatly, and I apologized. Things pretty much blew up from there. Melanie began to recreate past situations within the RHZ, of which she was not involved and none of us knew who she was, and accused me of being the one that broke it up… by the way the RHZ didn’t break up, it stopped operations with everyone involved in the reasons why … Melanie began to attack past member of the RHZ, people I care for dearly, attacked my character, and attacked my girlfriend. She had said that a previous member of the group even told her that the RHZ’s break up was my fault, I assumed the made that up, but I asked everyone anyway. No one had even spoken to her at all. I don’t feel I said much wrong in this situation, but I let myself stay involved far too long. The other members of the group jumped in and stopped the fight, said it wasn’t healthy. After that, I chose to make minimal contact with Melanie. No shows were booked for two months, no venues were biting.
I thanked her for her flier last month, besides that, I had no recent contact with her besides this: Before she turned in the flier, I introduced the idea of having someone else do a flier. The first time I met Melanie, I told her that the show tried to have a different artist do fliers every month. This time I brought it up just asking if anyone had any ideas for an artist to do so. Timmy brought up a friend of his, and that conversation reached a dead end after that. This month I asked Brandon, who’s soon moving in with Melanie, if she had already started the flier. I didn’t want to ask Timmy’s friend if she had, and that’s what I told Brandon. She had started the flier, so I didn’t ever contact Timmy’s suggestion. Later Brandon asked me to contact Melanie, because she wanted to talk to me. I messaged her, and she spoke to me in insinuations. I asked he what she wanted to talk to me about saying “it’s probably about art at the show, another artist maybe, something in the grapevine I wasn’t told about?”. I’m paraphrasing, but eventually I took the bait. I told her that I wasn’t hiding anything from her and didn’t know what she was talking about. Eventually I just assumed she had to be talking about Timmy’s friend, in this month old conversation. She preceded to ask me for everything I knew about this girl Timmy was talking about. I don’t know her, so I told Melanie to talk to Timmy and gave her this girl’s facebook account. She said she would see if her work was right for the group. I told Timmy about the conversation, because I was concerned she would blow up on him. After that first situation, my girlfriend contacted her just to get a better understanding, and to find out what Melanie would be comfortable with. She blocked Liv on facebook and told her to never talk to her ever again. I was afraid she would say something to Timmy’s friend that was similar.
I felt that Melanie wanted to be the only visual artist in the group. As a graphic designer, I thought she may have been threatened by me. More so, I thought she wanted to be the only woman in the group, as she got defensive when any other woman was brought up, and spoke publicly at one of our shows about how hard it was for woman in the art scene. I think she wanted ownership of this, something I didn’t want this to be for any of us. All I can do is display patterns, and speak on what I thought was going on. On so many levels, I could not figure out how the thought, or how her brain was operating, I could be wrong so easily. All I know, is that I couldn’t figure out how to get along with her. I had to avoid contact with her all together just to avoid saying something, anything at all, that could cause drama. The one time I tried to adress this head on, I was told that I was not acting professional and not acting like an adult.
The last two shows have been announced late, we have a venue booked for next month, but no acts, and no artists. I feel low, and unmotivated. I wanted success for the show but not at my personal expense. With Melanie moving in with Brandon, someone who’s been so helpful and eager to push this show forward, I felt I had no options to end her relationship with the show. Everyone else seemed to be having so much fun with this project, I didn’t want to end the show either. I’m already running events in Colorado Springs, while living in Denver where I’ve yet to get know the local scene. Worst off, when I brought up bringing a past member back into the group, Cindy, at the post first show meeting, I was told no other members needed to be added. I don’t want this to be another RHZ, but I wanted the door to be open to any past members. Cindy, just like everyone else, means a lot to me. I felt like I was slamming the door in her face.
Today, Melanie quit The Brainless Horde Presents. I know she started the flier for this month, but it looks like there won’t be a finished product, maybe there will be tomorrow, I don’t know. Tomorrows show may not have an official flier. She cited that she felt a lack of motivation, and that her work wasn’t respected, that she wasn’t respected, and that she wasn’t treated equally. She said she had found an art collective that had shown her that she wasn’t respected here. Truth be told, she’s right. Me not speaking to her is disrespect. I have lacked motivation. The way I was being treated also felt like disrespect. She made up her mind about who I was, and the way she treated me, others too, splintered into my lack of motivation. Still, if she feels like she belongs there, then I hope they’re successful. I wish her well. I can’t let my experience of her short term prevent me from wanting success for people who will work for it. I also can’t let people hear things from a skewed perspective, so here’s an untagged post for those I feel will need to read it. Melanie will be working with The Fifth Element Gallery in Colorado Springs, check it out, because it seems like it will be a very cool project. Melanie will also continue to work with our artists through tomorrow’s show at he flux. It will be her last.
I can’t say I’m going into this next show with a lot of energy or optimism, but I hope it goes well. I hope for good things in the future of this project. I just have to figure out if this is going to feel right.
Side Information:
May 27th
snowghoul
jbbartram-illu
gummygunk
jacobvanloon
germansingergirl
janainaart
areudirty
dededos
