The Truth
Kakashi stares out at the rain pounding against his bedroom window, only vaguely aware that it’s almost two in the morning. His body is tired -he can feel his eyes drooping, his muscles aching, his head hurting. But he doesn’t move.
How long had it been? Twenty four hours? Three days? Months? Years?
How long had it been since he had killed Rin and gotten a decent night’s sleep?
Lightning flashes across the black sky and Kakashi is lit up; his hair is bright white, his body lean and muscular, his eyes cold and distant.
He had lost Obito only a year ago. He had promised his best friend that he would protect her. He had promised that he would make sure that Rin lived a long life. And he had failed. His hand had cut through her heart as if it was nothing. As if she had been made of glass.
The air outside is cold with wintertime frost. The wind and rain have frosted the glass that separates Kakashi from a three story drop. Lightning strikes again, closer this time. His hand shakes as he holds it up to icy window.
The cold quickly sucks the heat from Kakashi’s hand and his skin dries so quickly that when he pulls his fingers away, they stick a little. He stares at his fingers, still covered in blood. Rin’s blood.
Should he wash it off?
Hadn’t he already done that?
Maybe he should-
“Kakashi?”
His thoughts are broken as a young boy sticks his head into his room. His eyes widen when he realizes that Kakashi is still awake and he shuts the door quickly behind him.
“I thought you were asleep, Tenzou,” Kakashi says, only a trace of bitterness in his voice.
“The rain woke me,” he responds, ignoring the barb in his friend’s voice. “I thought I might check up on you.”
“I don’t need checking up on.” Even to his own ears Kakashi’s voice sounds petulant. “I’m perfectly fine handling myself.”
Yamato stares at him, his large owl eyes seeming to pierce straight through Kakashi’s heart. After a moment he shrugs and pads over to Kakashi’s empty bed and lays down on it, hands behind his head. “Then maybe I was too scared on my own,” he murmurs, barely audible over the storm.
Kakashi turns his back on Yamato and stares out at the rain once more. “You’re not scared of anything,” he mutters.
Yamato glances at his partner through the corner of his eye, noting the stiffness in his body. Kakashi’s knees are up to his chest, his head resting on his arms, which pull his legs closer to his body. His knuckles are white as he grips the black fabric of shirt.
He’s terrified.
Yamato stares back up at the ceiling, unsure of how to proceed. “How long has it been since you’ve slept?” Kakashi shrugs. “Eaten?” Another shrug. “What about a mission?”
Kakashi pauses.
“Lord Hokage put me on temporary leave.”
“Maybe you need it.”
“Maybe.”
“You need time to recover. It was a hard mission.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
Yamato stares at Kakashi, now sitting up, his weight back on the heels of his hands. “Are you ever going to talk about it?” he asks quietly. His voice is no more than a whisper and when Kakashi’s head whips around he is half surprised that his partner heard him.
Kakashi stares at Yamato, his eyes dead. He manages to croak out, “What is there to talk about?”
“Whatever happened to you…” Yamato pauses, unsure of what to say. “Kakashi, whatever happened on that mission, you need to talk about. Your friend died. That’s not something you get over in a day.”
Rain batters the windowpane, the only sound to break the heavy silence that has settled around the two boys. Lightning flashes once more and Yamato gets a clear view of Kakashi’s face. His cheeks are smeared with tears, his eyes are red and puffy, his whole body is visibly shaking.
Without a second thought Yamato is up and wrapping his arms around his friend, holding him as close as he possibly can. In that moment, Kakashi crumbles. His shoulders shake as he weeps into Yamato’s chest and his arms wrap around his friend’s torso, gripping desperately at the fabric of his shirt. Sobbing noises fill the room and for the first time the thunderstorm outside is blocked out by the noise.
Yamato puts a hand in Kakashi’s hair, running his fingers through the thick, white locks. He can feel Kakashi’s fingers digging deeper into his back, trying to get a grip on the world around him. He can feel Kakashi’s tears as a they fall down his face onto his shirt. He can feel Kakashi’s fear.
“Kakashi…” Yamato’s voice trails off. He doesn’t know what to say.
“I killed her! I killed her!” Kakashi’s voice raises to a yell as he says the words. Despair rises off him in waves. “I killed her, Tenzou. With my own fucking hand. And I couldn’t do anything to save her.” His entire body shakes as tears take over and Yamato can hear his friend’s breathe rattling in his throat, struggling to get enough air.
“Kakashi.” Yamato pulls his friend away from his body, forcing himself to look into his eyes. “Kakashi, listen to me.” When the sobs don’t break, Yamato almost panics.
What should he do?
Should he call someone?
Gai, maybe?
Minato?
As panic overtakes the young ninja he does the unexpected.
He reacts without thinking about it, and everything seems to slow down. Kakashi’s hair is falling into his eyes, staining a dark grey from his tears. His shoulders shake as he sobs. His chest heaves as he continues fighting for air.
Yamato leans forward, time still slow. He puts a hand on Kakashi’s jaw, forcing him to look up. He wipes Kakashi’s hair from his face.
Yamato’s lips meet his friend’s.
Time freezes.
For several long moments Kakashi doesn’t know what to do. He’s frozen solid with shock and he simply sits there.
Then time catches up and he is kissing Yamato gently back, sobs still sitting in the back of his throat.
When Yamato pulls away a few moments later, Kakashi immediately misses the intimate contact.
Yamato looks down, blushing and flustered. “Sorry,” he mumbles, obviously embarrassed. “I panicked. I’m really sorry, Kakashi.”
Kakashi stares at Yamato, tears still staining his face. “It’s okay. I - I shouldn’t have…” He’s clearly at a loss for words, and he doesn’t meet Yamato’s eyes when his friend looks up. “It’s okay,” he says bluntly.
Standing up, he walks over to the door and walks out of the room. “I’ll see you later, Tenzou.”
