I guess, I will never forget this day. No matter how hard I try, no matter what year we are, I will always feel the same about this day.
20 years ago, my life has drastically changed. I still remember how I turned from being a sweet princess who lives in a palace into an amazon woman who needs to survive the jungle. From being a spoiled daddy's girl who gets everything she wants into a strong and independent woman who needs to grind to have all that she needs. From an affectionate daughter who loves to show her love and care to everyone into a cold and heartless monster who keeps all her feeling to herself. From being a human being who lives day by day with all the hope she has into a robot that needs to work and survive. I'm telling you, my life has literally went from up to down, riches to rags. I still remember and feel everything.
20 years ago, I lost my dad. I still remember how he convinced me to go home with him but I was still a child that time, I chose to decline him and play with my cousins. I let my dad go home alone. I never thought that, it would be the last day that I'll be speaking to him. The last day that I'll be seeing him. That same day, I went home with my mom and brother. When we arrived at our home, we were wondering why is it so dark cause we all know that my dad went home first. My mom opened the door, switch the lights on and directly went to the stairs to go to our bedroom to check where's our father. Little did she know, she will be greeted by our dad hanging himself on the ceiling. Upon seeing my dad, my mom shouted immediately "Meck, stop! Stay there! Get your brother and call your aunt and uncle!" I was already at the stairs that time and as a brattish kid, I still went to our bedroom.
There, I saw my mom crying and panicking while hugging our dad. But what surprised me even more was my dad hanging on the ceiling. I was stunned for a few seconds and looked at my mom again. I was so dazed and confused. Everything was too much to process but after seeing all of these, I quickly went back to the stairs since my brother was following me, grabbed him and directly went outside and called our neighbors. I persistently knocked my aunt's house and other neighbors, seeking for help. I don't know if it's a good thing or what, but I got their attention and they all went to our house. After they saw what happened to our home, my aunt shouted and told me to get away and stay at their house with my brother. The next thing I know, they went to the hospital after they unhang my father.
I guess a few hours after, my other aunts picked us up from where we are staying and went to my grandparent's house. At that time, I was surrounded by my aunts, uncles and grandparents. They were all crying. As they cry, my aunt who received the message from my aunt who's with my mother at the hospital broke the news to me. She told me that my father is gone. He's dead on arrival. The doctors tried to save him but it's already too late. As soon as I heard those words, I felt nothing. I didn't cry. I just felt nothing. Then my relatives started to instill to me that I am the new head of the family since my father is gone. That I'll be taking all the responsibilities he left. That I have no time to act as a child anymore and need to mature as fast as I can cause my mom only have me. My brother was still 3 years old that time. I hear everything they are saying but I felt my soul wasn't connected to my body that time. I was still figuring out everything that happened cause it happened so fast. I was so disassociated with reality. But I was wondering, why my heart is aching? I cannot understand everything but I guess it's natural. I was only 8 years old that time. So young and naive.
20 years ago, I became famous. I wasn't able to go to my school for 2 weeks. But, as soon as I got back, I became an instant celebrity. Everyone from our school knows my father died, even our principal. Every teacher in our school looked for me. And as soon as they found me, they look at me with pity and keep saying the word "this poor child, she's to young to lose her father." I even heard one of the teachers saying that there are rumors going on in our school that my mother killed my father cause of him having affairs. Our story is even on the newspaper. Then I realized, that's the reason why. It's the consequence of my father's action. I still remember how I continue to smile despite of what happened and tell each one of them that I'm okay and nothing to worry about. As if I have a choice back then.
20 years ago, I thought I'm gonna lose my mom too. When my father died, my mom fell into depression to the point that she tempted to kill herself as well. She doesn't know how to raise two kids alone. Mom doesn't know how our lives gonna be. How she'll provide all our basic needs since she was only earning enough. I remember vividly, we all went to a psychiatrist for psychotherapy to cope up with this unfortunate event. I will never forget what the psyschiatrist told me. I guess she was shocked why I wasn't crying nor showing any despair about our situation while my mom showed otherwise. Anyhow, we managed to survive.
For the past 20 years, I've been carrying all the burdens, regrets and what ifs by myself. I stayed strong. I carried on. I forced myself to be matured at a young age. I've tattoed on my mind that I am now the pillar of our family. I stopped playing games with my cousins nor friends. I stopped being a kid and started to act as the eldest daughter slash father of this household. I wasn't allowed to complain cause they told me that this is my fate. I never enjoyed my childhood. I kept all my feelings to myself. I'm hurt too, but I was never given the time to grieve. I kept everything to myself. I wasn't allowed to show any weakness or emotions cause my relatives told me that mom is the one who's hurting the most. But, what about me? I absorbed all the trauma, bled with her, comforted her. I did everything that I can to keep this family together. To survive. Thankfully, we did. But, at the cost of my own life. Don't get me wrong. I love mom, but I hope they know that as a child of my father, I am hurt too. Tho, it's still a taboo to talk about this with our relatives.
Hey Dad, it's been 20 years already. I wonder where you are. Are you in heaven? Or are you down there? It's funny cause tho I know you're gone for real, I'm still looking for your face in the crowd and hoping that I would see you. That maybe, this ain't real. That you're still alive, just hiding from us cause you're ashame of what you did. It's really funny of me hoping for all these things.
Dad, growing up without you was never easy. Back in my elementary days, I was always teased as an orphan. I was always teased as a tomboy cause I act manly while my girl classmates act like a princess. Their bags are pink and their hairs are always tied while my bag is blue and my hair short. We can't afford a beautiful bag and I remember my bag was a gift from my mom's school. Since you've been gone, my hair has always been short cause mom doesn't have time to tie my hair. She's too busy with her work to make for a living. I don't blame her tho. I acted manly cause I don't know how to act like a princess. Mom raised me like an amazon woman that needs to survive this chaotic jungle called life. I also envy my classmates whose parents are there whenever we have PTA meeting or meeting for getting our grading cards. Mom cannot attend as usual. I always get my card at the end of school year. So, I just studied hard and performed my best in every grading. I graduated elementary with honors.
When I was in high school, I started working as a computer shop attendant to provide everything I need while studying. I no longer depend on mom. I'm independent. It was difficult to juggle work and studies but I managed. I graduated without honors but as a topnotcher of our section. I enjoyed my high school life. It's definitely my favorite.
I was able to go in college too. I learned to loan in government to finance my education. I graduated, took the board exam and passed the exam.
Dad, I survived everything. I am now a full-pledged adult who is working in corporate world. My brother also graduated from college, I financed his studies. He is a Registered Nurse now. Mom is still working but we're planning to make her retire and just enjoy her life. I want to say that I hope you're proud of us but there's a part of me still asks the question "what if?". I wonder what our life would have been if you're still with us. Will there be any difference?
Dad, I really have a lot to say but I cannot express myself fully. But I want you to know that growing up without you was so hard. I want you to know that I always long for you as I evolve from a kid into an adult. I never had the time to grieve for you. I wasn't allowed to grieve. I never shed a tear till I was 20. Right now, as I'm writing, my thoughts are crumbling and heart is aching. I wanna say more but I cannot gather the words to say.
Dad, why did you leave us? Why did you have an affair? Why didn't you choose us? Do you really loved us? What if you just said sorry to mom and faced all the consequences of your actions? What if I went home with you? Maybe you're still alive. Sorry dad, for choosing to play and let you go home alone. I wasn't aware of your feelings back then. I'm still blaming myself for everything that had happened. If only I went home with you..
I don't hate you, Dad. But I hate what you did. And I hate myself even more for allowing all of these to happen. I hate myself for being so naïve 20 years ago.
dailybridgerton
origamiaround
pixelskylines
vaporwave
kianamaiart
yousharknotpass
discoholicmusic
izzy806