ALittleLost

Just a little place for me to spill some thoughts and poetry. Please respect that anything 'wanderingworlds' is my original and intellectual property.

[wanderingworlds]

I am chaos.

I am unhealed.

I am tearing at the seams.

I am not the person you’ve been seeing.

I am trapped under the mask that you seem to know so well.

I am untethered in a world that allowed me to be unprotected and alone.

I am drifting between who I could have been and who I am.

I am trying to rewrite my story to feel whole.

I am shattered in my soul.

I am unheard.

I am alone.

- WanderingWorlds

[wanderingworlds]

Shattered

I’m cracking open parts of myself that have lived so far down inside of me they’ve been invisible.

And it’s terrifying, I feel a body on fire with rage.

I feel tears that should have been shed years ago.

I feel shaking and screaming with words unsaid.

I feel like I exist shattered between who I was then and who I am now.

I feel like I want to save myself but I’ve ignored myself for so long, she doesn’t even want my help anymore.

Healing is hell, but so is the exhaustion of pushing everything down.

At least I know with healing, the exhaustion eventually ends.

- WanderingWorlds

[wanderingworlds]

Abyss

I’ve been here before, wanting something more. The ground unsteady in ways I’m not ready to face.

How can I believe in something that’s only ever showed me judgement?

Whose beholder’s eyes see me tainted for not yelling into an abyss that’s never replied?

I believe in kindness. I believe in love. I believe in being a decent fucking person. But that’s not enough for you.

I’ll be held out of your life on earth and an apparent ever after because I didn’t get on my knees and clear the sins I’ve already forgiven myself and the world for.

When does the Abyss apologize back? Why does it excuse a rapist on their knees but attack the child who grew up feeling alone and abandoned, who gave up screaming to the heavens?

This is what you breed. With the brand of faith you throw in my face. You make me feel sick and ashamed in more ways than one.

-WanderingWorlds

[wanderingworlds]

Soulmates

I don’t believe in soulmates.

I love everything about the person you are, but I know I have the capacity to be happy with someone else.

Maybe that’s pessimistic, but I honestly just think it’s realistic. Because I will never allow myself to be compromised by you.

It’s not putting up a wall, I’ve completely exposed myself to you, skin, bones, and soul, but if I thought you were the only chance I’d ever have at love, I’d never be able to realize if you started to chip away at me like others have before.

Even worse, maybe I’d realize and just let you.

-WanderingWorlds

[wanderingworlds]

Will the world only see me for the tragedy I am?

Or have my smiles and lies convinced them all

I’m worth more than my past?

If the one way mirror shatters now,

They’ll remember all I’ve done

And my accomplishments will fall behind

The things that all went wrong.

-WanderingWorlds

[wanderingworlds]

It’s so hard to feel like the world isn’t falling apart.

I have no tears left to cry,

No empathy left to feel.

I have no fight left but it won’t stop, and the war is just beginning.

News doesn’t hit me like it used to. My eyes can’t find focus on my screen, maybe I’m too used to seeing suffering.

I’m desensitized and that’s what they want.

How are we supposed to win if we’re bled dry before they attack?

-WanderingWorlds

[wanderingworlds]

Remedy

What happens when everything seems to be coming together but you’re still falling apart?

When the colours are full but they don’t make you happy?

When you drop your anchor to the world but it doesn’t catch on anything to hold you in place?

When you’ve done all you can, when you’ve succeeded enough to run your dopamine dry, but you still feel numb?

What’s the remedy?

- WanderingWorlds

[wanderingworlds]

The worst lie I was ever told is that love and pain are intertwined.

-WanderingWorlds

[wanderingworlds]

Everything Happens for a Reason

What if my past hasn’t built my future? What if, even if you didn’t die, I would have gone for the same career path, and volunteered at the same distress lines? What if it really was all for nothing? Did you need to die for me to help people? I really don’t think so. 

But they’ll keep telling me that I spun gold out of shit, and they’ll keep telling me that your death put me on the path I’m supposed to be on. 

And all I can think is, I fucking hope you didn’t die for me; so that I could ‘find the right path’. I’d much rather have you here. 

- WanderingWorlds

[wanderingworlds]

We take the pain that we think we deserve

And when we think we deserve too much,

We break.

- WanderingWorlds

[wanderingworlds]

When you left you took my home away.

I haven’t been able to feel safe since.

You thought I’d move on but I fucking can’t.

I’m so lost. I’m so guarded I wear armour in my own living room.

And I hate you for that.

I deserve to not have a trail of trauma following me wherever I go.

-WanderingWorlds

[wanderingworlds]

In a world where everyone wants to be more than they are,

How will any of us ever become more than ordinary?

- WanderingWorlds

[wanderingworlds]

Maybe the emptiness I feel is because I keep trying to fulfill a bigger purpose.

Maybe I’m just me.

Maybe that’s all I’ll ever be.

- WanderingWorlds

[wanderingworlds]

Poems

Am I where I’m supposed to be?

When will the hills start rolling against the sky?

When will the ocean wave to me?

Like all the poems said that they would?

How will I know when I get there?

Is it a feeling or a way of looking at the world?

Because the world is pretty, but I don’t feel I am.

I’m in love but it didn’t fix everything.

What if they promised us too much?

What if they promised us a feeling that isn’t real?

A way of living that we can’t ever really grasp?

How do I stop chasing something I’m not sure exists?

-WanderingWorlds

[wanderingworlds]

Where am I?

Am I lost between the creases

Of my favourite pair of jeans?

Am I in between the floor boards

Of the room we used to sleep?

Have I slipped between the pages

Of the books you bought for me?

Or the paintings on our bedroom wall

That she now gets to see?

If all of me was once for you

I’m scattered through those times,

To get me back I’d have to face

That most of them were lies.

-WanderingWorlds

[wanderingworlds]

White Paper Mirrors

Every carbon deposited by my pencil

Was once flowing through my veins

Every metaphor I articulate

Is a map to real pain

Every word I write upon my page

Adds particulates of me

Turns the pages white to grey

Erases objectivity

Can you write what you don’t know?

Can our pencils carve pain on their own?

Can I escape reality

If my worlds still all embody me?

We’ve all breathed in acid

Then forgotten the taste

If you put pencil to paper

You’ll remember the pain

-WanderingWorlds

[wanderingworlds]

People like to say that things in your life only have as much power over you as you let them have.

I don’t think that’s true. I think that discounts trauma, chemical imbalances, addictions, and pain.

I think that assumes that people only ever fail because they’re not trying hard enough, when I know some of them are trying so damn hard.

Taking power over your life is learning to help yourself with these things, not pretending they don’t exist.

-WanderingWorlds