I am my only solace, I am my only saviour. As is true with all of us, in the end. No friend, or partner, or parent can give us the kind of love that will fill our souls or heal all the wounds and the countless bullet holes. Iāve been working on mentally comprehending this fact. Iāve tried my very best to acknowledge and face this fundamental but very uncomfortable human truth. That the only kind of love or validation that will ever give you your own personal power has to be sought out from within. See... hereās the thing, Iām starting to wear thin - and I donāt know how much more of myself I can take before I break. Iāve been trying so hard for so long to try and remain strong but Iām not sure if I can do this alone. Itās so quiet here in the dark on my own. How do you ask for help when thereās nowhere that feels like home? How do you say āI need youā to people that donāt want to choose to be around. How do you say you never learned to swim without admitting to being drowned? I went through a mental list of people I could maybe reach out and talk to, without feeling like a burden or a fucking charity case, and not one single face sprang to mind. Iāve never felt so confined or misaligned. You know those moments when you catch your chest frozen and your blood seems to be running low on haemoglobin? And you realise youāve forgotten to breathe for a while? Not exactly the kind of moment that brings upon a smile. I came up with fucking no one!? Thatās when, despite all my efforts, despite myself, I came undone.
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