Adam could never stop noticing anymore. It had hurt, naturally, to see his best friend in love with the girl he had claimed as his own. But now that he knew he would never stop noticing.
Gansey was different around her. He was softer, as if treading on water slow enough to stop the ripple. He took time to think everything twice before he spoke, he never lashed out like he had at Adam several times before. It was as if his brain was rewired around her. He laughed more, even at Adam’s dumb remarks which usually got a smirk or a huff.
Blue was different too. When Gansey came around she stopped being so careful. She could be meaner and wilder around him. When they were alone she was so careful, trying to pick every word and action correctly before acting upon it.
He was rightfully jealous at first. His girl and his best friend, so comfortable around each other when it seemed all they could ever do was treat Adam as a street dog who followed them around. But when that stopped, all he could do was hurt. They way they looked at each other when no one was looking. How they talked so close together without feeling uncomfortable. How they had some tiny jokes he didn’t get and they tried to let them pass over. He noticed. He would never stop noticing.
But mostly, he wanted to feel like that too. Comfortable. Truly comfortable. Not practiced and trained comfort, which always made his stomach turn a little when he fell back into it. Not the comfort that came after knowing someone and what was right or wrong in their eyes. Practiced. Their comfort came naturally, barely having known each other they were all buddy-buddy. Talking as if they’d had dozens of conversations before, as if right and wrong was always the same, without treading carefully to avoid mistakes. And any mistakes seemed natural too, passed as a joke or a situation easily diffused. No hard conversations, no fights, no lashing out, no uncomfortable question and misunderstood gestures that needed to be followed with thorough explanation.
It seemed ridiculous, but he couldn’t keep himself from wondering if he’d ever have that, or if it came with something he’d never have. Like money or love. If there was anyone out there who didn’t think he was too rough around the edges, too damaged. Someone who would get him without a bazillion conversations about every thing that made him turn out the way he was. Who would secretly smile at the private jokes while trying not to make it obvious that they were leaving the rest behind. Or, who would be willing to be left behind with him. Someone who would make him forget about Blue and Gansey and Gansey and Blue.
He tried picturing it, the casual conversations over coffee about stuff he actually cared about, the laughing at his dirty work clothes instead of having to apologize every half a second, sitting comfortably in silence. He wanted it so badly, but he usually came to understand he never pictured himself in those scenarios. It was an Adam-like guy. With a better face; no discernible stress, no eye-bags or dirt under his fingernails. With a nicer side profile and cleaner teeth. Cleaner everything. In his fantasies, the Adam-like guy was always clean and smelt nice and never needed to add water to the Three-In-One shampoo he used. He was good at conversations and always knew how to diffuse hard topics without needing to change the subject. He was always happy, smiling and inviting. It was hard to look at himself in the mirror after it. Seeing the real Adam was always harder after waking up.
It was strange, he was never kept awake thinking about his parents. If he thought about it, it was usually during work while he made secret calculations about how much money he’d have left after it. But at night, he was kept awake thinking about how much he was still missing. He had so much to catch up to, so much he never had and was starting to believe he’d never have. Money was easier, hard work was usually rewarded nicely. Love however…
“Parrish.” Ronan knocked once again, harder. “I know you’re awake it’s still too early.”
“Lynch?” Adam turned on the big light and opened the door.
“I brought some leftover pizza. Gansey said to throw it out but Noah guessed it was better to eat here rather than eat it alone at five in the morning.”
“Noah’s here?” Adam scrubbed his left eye.
“He was,” Ronan opened the carton box and took a huge bite. “Churches scare the hell out of him. Says it knows he shouldn’t be here.”
Adam tried not to eye the pizza too much. He was starving but he needed to play it cool. “Makes sense.”
“You gonna let me in or what?” Ronan said with a full mouth.
“Right. Sorry. There isn’t much space to sit down, but we can eat on the floor.”
“Rou eat om de flo?” Said Ronan from the floor.
“Chew Lynch, it’s disgusting.”
“I asked if you eat on the floor.”
“Uh… yeah,” Adam scratched his left ear uncomfortably. “But most times I eat at work or on my bed.”
“That’s disgusting.” Ronan said “You should change that mattress by the way.”
Adam scoffed at the bare thought of having enough money for a new mattress. “It’s more comfortable that it looks.”
“I know.” Ronan smiled. “I’ve pissed on that bed.”
“Jesus Christ Ronan.” Adam gagged. “Why?”
“Take a slice and I’ll tell you.”
“Eat or I’ll come while you’re at work and piss on it again.”
Adam repressed a smile, standing up to get the two glasses he had and filled them with tap water. He even let it run for a couple of seconds for it to get a bit colder. He gave one to Ronan and put the other one besides himself as he sat down and leaned against the wooden bed frame. He took a slice. “So?”
