Completely Wrapped up in You @wasteofspace-wasteoftime - Tumblr Blog

literally nothing breaks my heart more than seeing my mother post about another anniversary with her boyfriend who sexually assaulted me for months and then emotionally manipulated me into not fighting hard enough for my own safety and justice. i try really hard to keep my momma in my life, jump through a lot of hoops to see her without seeing him, and i’m so insignificant in her life. i still don’t know if she genuinely doesn’t believe me, if she’s in denial, or if he manipulated her. but i’ve moved from the betrayal of my own mother not believing me when i came forward. and i moved into my grandmas house when the police closed my case. and i didn’t resent her for staying with him because back then i didn’t think i was worth the sacrifice. but now i know my self worth and i wish she thought more of me. i wish she cared more about me, i wish she prioritized me more. enough to leave him. but it’ll never happen. and every year i get more and more afraid that they will eventually get married and i will lose her forever. i don’t want to lose her to him. that’s not fair. she’s my mom. i deserve to have her in my life and i deserve for her to want to be in my life. i deserve to be able to one day invite her to my wedding without fear that she would bring him. i deserve to be able to send my future children to their grandmas house without a predator living in the same house. i once wrote a poem about what he did to me and i ended it with: “what the hell is wrong with you for making me feel so worthless? i didn’t do anything to deserve this”. and i really didn’t. i didn’t deserve to be tortured and traumatized. but i grew from it and i moved on. but i really don’t deserve for it to still be such a big obstacle in my life. i don’t deserve this. and my momma doesn’t deserve to live her life with someone who should have been convicted on sexual assault and been thrown in jail. i’ve told her i would save her, give her a place to live with no rent so she could survive without him. but she doesn’t want to be saved. she doesn’t think she needs to be saved. and it breaks my heart.

wasteofspace-wasteoftime

I just saw on Facebook that my mom got engaged to him earlier this week. I am indescribably devastated.

Despite that, it’s more devestating seeing my friends from highschool congratulate them.

I told my close friends what happened to me. I told them what he did. But we were all so young. I don’t blame anyone and I never will. My trauma and abuse were dismissed. No one knew how to respond, no one knew what to do next. So nothing was said, nothing was done. My friends and I lived on as if it never happened.

And I was okay with that. I did not need too much acknowledgement. I was, and still am, so ashamed and so humiliated that this ever happened to me, that I let this happen to me.

But everyone seems to have forgotten about it. Completely. Again, I do not need, nor will I ever want, pity for this. But seeing my friends be happy about this makes me feel forgotten and alone. Like I don’t matter.

Honestly

Maybe I don’t.

crazy how i get to seven months clean and then relapse like it’s fucking nothing 🤷🏽‍♀️

#monka gibberish

wetslug

god i hate being alive i just wanna die in a national park under mysterious circumstances

wetslug

ok im done being dramatic i finally started my homework and its not that bad

mcgonagollygee

tired interpretation: complaining about your wife being opinionated

wired interpretation: bragging about how smart your wife is

minervafloofderg-migrating

Jerry Seinfeld vs John Mulaney death battle

sassysousa

Wow, alright, I’m in a place in my head where I hadn’t even CONSIDERED that 1st one, the tired interpretation. I straight-up only thought it was a lovely mug about how awesome their wife is, and I’m just so happy about that :)

docninj

sterling-why-deactivated2019052

Absolutely tear apart “I’m being forced to marry this woman” jokes. I hate them so fucking much. Do you know how much of a let down it is to see the person you love and share so much with turn around and rag on you to your friends as “the ol’ ball and chain”? Imagine trusting and respecting someone so much that you’re willing to commit your life to a union with them, and meanwhile they’re talking about how their life could only get worse if they were married to you. Destroy the idea that a man’s life is best when he’s a player, and that his life is “over” once he allows a woman into it. Destroy the idea that all women are controlling, horrible bridezillas. How disenchanting it is to see so many people shit all over the love between two people.

Respect your fucking wife. If you can’t do that, don’t get married.

literally nothing breaks my heart more than seeing my mother post about another anniversary with her boyfriend who sexually assaulted me for months and then emotionally manipulated me into not fighting hard enough for my own safety and justice. i try really hard to keep my momma in my life, jump through a lot of hoops to see her without seeing him, and i’m so insignificant in her life. i still don’t know if she genuinely doesn’t believe me, if she’s in denial, or if he manipulated her. but i’ve moved from the betrayal of my own mother not believing me when i came forward. and i moved into my grandmas house when the police closed my case. and i didn’t resent her for staying with him because back then i didn’t think i was worth the sacrifice. but now i know my self worth and i wish she thought more of me. i wish she cared more about me, i wish she prioritized me more. enough to leave him. but it’ll never happen. and every year i get more and more afraid that they will eventually get married and i will lose her forever. i don’t want to lose her to him. that’s not fair. she’s my mom. i deserve to have her in my life and i deserve for her to want to be in my life. i deserve to be able to one day invite her to my wedding without fear that she would bring him. i deserve to be able to send my future children to their grandmas house without a predator living in the same house. i once wrote a poem about what he did to me and i ended it with: “what the hell is wrong with you for making me feel so worthless? i didn’t do anything to deserve this”. and i really didn’t. i didn’t deserve to be tortured and traumatized. but i grew from it and i moved on. but i really don’t deserve for it to still be such a big obstacle in my life. i don’t deserve this. and my momma doesn’t deserve to live her life with someone who should have been convicted on sexual assault and been thrown in jail. i’ve told her i would save her, give her a place to live with no rent so she could survive without him. but she doesn’t want to be saved. she doesn’t think she needs to be saved. and it breaks my heart.

#i dont post on here often #but this is the only place i can say it without my mom seeing #monka gibberish

bob-belcher

theholleywoodsigns

wingkink

Therapists are just…. Common sense filters

wingkink

Me: yeah so I just don’t have the energy to get up and make myself a sandwich or wait for something to cook so I just. Don’t

Her: why don’t you just eat the sandwich components without putting them together

Me:

Her: you can just eat a handful of cheese and some sandwich meat. You don’t have to make a sandwich.

Me:

Me: what

cyanoticfallacy-deactivated2018

Therapists finding loopholes for mental illness things is one of my favorite things about dealing with mental illness because it really helps me understand that just because a reaction is Common doesn’t mean it’s Right. Does doing dishes stress you out a lot? Buy paper plates. Do your obsessive thoughts make you worry about leaving your curling iron on so you drive home from work to check? Just put the curling iron in your purse and bring it to work with you while we work on tackling where this worry comes from. Symptom management doesn’t have to look like drudgery.

ziggyplayedd

i used to go days without showering because seeing my body was so upsetting that i would end up spiraling and then i realized i could simply turn the lights out. it took some getting used to but i’ve been showering with the lights off for years and it’s now one of my favorite parts of my day.

do whatever you want nothing is real and there’s no need to inflict unnecessary suffering on yourself just to try to seem “normal”

biyaself

I love this post

jettestblack

Hmmm

petrichorepoch

These kinds of loopholes make life so. Much. Better.

fuckyeahasexual

One of my favorite stories is this lady had extremely bad OCD. Every day she’d be late to work because she was convinced that her hair dryer was going to burn down the house so would always have to turn around and check it. Multiple times a day even. A bunch of doctors tied to “fix” her of that fear, until one day she got a doctor that suggested she bring the hair dryer with her. Other doctors were annoyed, saying that wasn’t a the correct way to help, but she gave it a go. When she had that fear, she’d look over and see the hair dryer unplugged in the seat next to her and was able to carry on. I think it’s such a perfect example of actually helping someone instead of forcing them into a neurotypical standard.

eclecticpersonswondersland

That story helped me stop repeatedly checking if my front door was locked. Instead of checking that the door was locked over and over I would check my security system app. If it’s on it will alert me if the front door opens.

daughter-of-rowan

“…actually helping someone instead of forcing them into a neurotypical standard” should be added to the Hippocratic Oath.

minus-the-negative

Started reading about the door and I thought they were gonna say they took the door with them

unic0rrn-sluts

I want a relationship where we can get drunk at midnight, just the two of us, and sit up talking and making out all night, and go to the beach at four in the morning. I want someone who’s down for adventure. I want someone who will go camping with me, and boating, and fishing, and travel. I want someone who wants me for life. I want passion that doesn’t burn out.