𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 | 𝐘.𝐉𝐇 ᴋ.ᴍɢ
small drabble i thought about at 4 this morning, and i couldn’t sleep without writing it all…🥹
w! ; 1st person, unreciprocated feelings, maybe cursing? cold reader. lowercase is intentional. <3
“don’t you know y/n likes you jeonghan?” i froze from my place outside of the room, my eyes widening as i could see his soft gaze now slightly faulter.
“no she doesn’t leemin.” he wasn’t looking at her when he spoke, looking down at the floor in front of him and shaking his head slightly.
i wasn’t too sure why, but his reaction was slowly making a knot form in my stomach that slowly starting sinking.
“jeonghan.” she gave him hard eyes and grabbed his hand, making him look at her.
“she does. she probably even loves you jeonghan.”
my heart started beating so loud that i thought they might hear it from outside of the door.
“we’ll that’s okay, because i love her too, she’s my bestfriend leemin.”
this is when the knot that was slowly being formed and twisted all around finally sank to the pit of my stomach.
he was trying so hard to deny my feelings, yet i wasn’t even the one putting them out on display for him.
“no jeonghan, stop acting clueless, she likes you, more than a bestfriend, more than a brother, more than any other excuse you may have.” she wasn’t yelling, but she was clear about getting her point across.
and regardless of whether it was my unannounced presence she was trying to get her point across to, or jeonghan who was looking guilty in front of her, she got it across to the both of us.
“and, it’s fine if you see her that way too jeonghan. she’s a sweet girl. too sweet for her own good, and i know she would know how to treat you.”
i didn’t know if her sentence was done, or if jeonghan was just too shaken up by what she was saying as he abruptly answered.
“but it isn’t like that leemin, at least, not on my end.”
if that weren’t enough for my heart to take, he kept on speaking, looking down at the palms of his hands as if they had the answers to how he was really feeling.
“i love y/n, i do, but not like that, ever.”
and it kept going.
“she’s sweet and cares for me yes, but she isn’t for me, not like that at least.”
his words almost made me angry, he was telling her all of his thoughts regarding me as if my feelings for him were her business in the first place.
i couldn’t be mad though, i wasn’t even the one to tell him.
my thoughts finally began to quiet down and i looked back at the two, seeing leemin almost look bad for me as if i could hear what he was saying.
ironic, right?
“then what are you trying to say jeonghan?” i closed my eyes, stepping slightly away from the door. this conversation was coming to an end and so was my time in his apartment.
“i- i may not have these feeling for y/n but, i think i like you leemin, and the way that you understand me.”
“the way that you understand me” what was that supposed to even mean? i was his bestfriend, wasn’t i supposed to be the one that really knew him? did he show her sides of him that i never knew?
and the single tear had finally fallen. maybe the weight of it was so heavy that it made my presence known as jeonghan turned his head, looking through the crack of his door.
i was quick to slip off to the side for a minute, hoping he didn’t come out to check his apartment as i would be ‘hiding’ in blind sight, right on the side of his door.
and thankfully he didn’t.
i relaxed my shoulders and held my breath the best i could, trying my best not to start off into a string of tears and cries while still being in his room unannounced.
i went to the apartment door and didn’t care how loud it closed, he had two other roommates, it could be joshua for all he cared.
the breeze of the wind almost made my tears halt, not wanting to come out as the feeling on my cheeks would be too cold mixed with the feeling of the air.
i began to slowly walk back to my dorm, looking down at my feet as they walked one in front of the other. and i didn’t hold my tears anymore? watching them land on the fabric of my bottoms and on the dry pavement below me.
it was hard for me to accept that this was inevitable to happening. just the way it did happen though, wasn’t ideal.
then again, is it ideal to fall for your bestfriend in the first place?
i didn’t realize the path i was taking was no longer the path back to my room when i noticed myself going off into patches of fake green grass.
i looked up and saw the small park in front of me now, thinking there was no one there until i heard the creaking of one of the old swings.
mingyu was seated on the swing, his feet stuck to the ground as he lightly swung himself, book in hand and pencil toying with the bottom part of his lip.
i let out an unintentional string of sniffles and mingyu looked in my direction, his big smile immediately taking place on his face as he saw me standing there.
“hey y/n!” he waved at me, motioning for me to come over and swing with him. i let out a small smile back, feeling too bad to reject his offer, but my were pulling me right back onto the pavement.
“ah gyu, i was just about to head home and study for tomorrow.” i still tried my best to speak in a stable, soft voice with him. he truly was a gentle guy and i would have never turned him down if the circumstances were different.
he only shook his head, still motioning for me to come, almost more enthusiastic now.
“that’s fine y/n, come study with me! it’s more fun when you aren’t alone.” his smile made my heart warm a little, a weak smile coming onto my face as i watched the friendly giant act so sweet towards me.
as bad as i wanted to run to my room and just cry my sorrows into my pillow, i knew that wasn’t good for me.
it was inevitable to happening, but maybe not just yet, maybe later tonight, after watching movies with seungkwan and hoshi, then telling them about everything that went on and them just being there to bash him in a way to make me feel better about him not liking me back.
“that boy doesn’t know anything!”
“he should be happy you like him y/n.”
“he doesn’t even deserve you in that way.”
i could practically already hear their responses, and i know they didn’t mean the harsh things they said about him, but it was to give me that little push into moving on, trying to make me feel like i was worth more than someone not wanting me the way i wanted them.
but, i did my best to fake a happy demeanor as i made my way over to the swing set with him.
maybe this study session wouldn’t all be faked happiness either, hopefully at least.
it was continuous knocks on my door that i tried so hard to ignore, but regardless of how good of a job i was doing, seungkwan didn’t let jeonghan’s continued knocking override the sound of his movie as he knew no one else was going to get the door.
maybe i should have told seungkwan about what happened earlier, but i couldn’t do it without hoshi there too, he’d feel betrayed.
“y/n, jeonghan’s here.” seungkwan said it so casually, the same way he said it everytime jeonghan came by to get me for class, or just come by and i didn’t get to the door before he could.
i wanted so badly to just sit in my bed and ignore him, maybe even act like i was sleeping.
but a twisted part of me was almost waiting to be cold towards him.
it wasn’t his fault for not returning my feelings, no matter how hard it was for me to accept that. but hearing how he spoke so softly about me, hearing that he felt bad knowing the way he knew how much i cared for him, yet he just didn’t feel the same almost made me question what i was doing wrong.
“y/n?”
now it was jeonghan calling my name, but the sound of his confused and almost worried voice just made me feel a wave of anger, or maybe annoyance flash through my body.
i let out a heavy sigh, opening the door to my room and seeing seungkwan still holding the door for jeonghan, seeing me gave him his okay to leave off to the kitchen area to now refill on his snacks.
jeonghan’s eyebrows softly furrowed at me, seeing as i was already in my clothes for bed and didn’t have one pencil or notebook in my hand, in comparison to him having his textbooks on his side.
“why didn’t you come by, i’ve been waiting for you but you never answered me.”
i don’t know if it was the fact that he had to face me after confessing his feelings for someone else only hours prior, but he was gentle with the way he was speaking to me.
despite the fact that i still technically stood up our study session.
i raised a brow and shrugged. not having much to say. and i know it sounds so wrong, but it was almost gratifying seeing his confused face at my foreign response to his question.
i wasn’t being my normal chipper and love struck self with him.
and maybe he grew too comfortable with that side of me.
rather than getting upset, jeonghan tried to push it off, walking and and closing the door behind him before setting his books on the table.
“it’s okay though, i have my books here so all you need are your notes.” he slightly smiled.
it was almost making me angry, seeing him make himself so comfortable in my dorm after he confessed to not feeling the same way.
only thing is though, i wasn’t even supposed to know. regardless though, it still felt wrong to me. he was speaking to her like he had already known i had feelings for him. how long was he letting me treat him so fondly, while having these hidden feelings for this other girl? why hadn’t he ever told me about them?
“it’s late jeonghan.” i shook my head, seeing him start making himself comfortable at the small kitchen table where a good portion of our study dates were usually held.
jeonghan smiled and shook his head, pulling out the chair next to him and sitting himself down as well.
“ah it’s fine y/n i don’t mind, we may just have to skip coffee in the morning-“
his soft voice was harshly cut off by my much lower one.
“well, i mind.” i almost sassed. our conversation now caught the attention of seungkwan as well, as he was eyeing us while pouring his now popped popcorn into the big blue bowl he had.
jeonghan looked up at me and i could see something in his eyes. he almost looked, scared? no not scared, more like the look you have when your favorite teacher scolds you for the first time in highschool.
you aren’t sad and crying about it, but you still have that almost embarrassed feeling deep down, and i could read it clearly across his face.
“but y/n, we have an exam tomorrow, we haven’t studied at all for it.” he was trying to reason with me, but this just showed maybe he didn’t know me as well as i thought.
i didn’t care about my exams, shit i didn’t even read half of the questions while we studied. the only reason i ever cared was so that i could have these alone time sessions with jeonghan where we would be in our own little world for a while, no one else there to bother or join us.
i raised a brow at him again, lightly shrugging at him as i starred at his now confused face.
“well, maybe you didn’t study, but mingyu helped me with the questions i had already.”
too much?
maybe, as i could see jeonghan’s face finally fall into an almost unreadable expression.
whatever expression it was though made my stomach drop. maybe i was being too forward, or maybe i was hinting a little too hard with this new cold persona. but did he know that i knew? was i making it that obvious that he was able to think back to the fact that i texted him i was 5 minutes away and then never showed up? i had never done it before, so maybe it was all coming together to him.
or maybe i was just overthinking that badly.
it seemed my last comment struck a nerve for him, as his mouth went from lightly handing open to chewing on his sore lip.
maybe she was kissing those lips earlier.
the cursed thought made me even more angry, now making me annoyed at the fact that he was still sitting there despite me telling him it was too late to be studying.
“alright jeonghan, you should see yourself out, get back before it gets too dark.” i only swing my hand in his direction, turning back on my feet and going into my room, closing my door maybe a little too harshly. maybe my words of care were enough to make up for it though, showing that i did still want him to return home safely that night.
i walked to my bed and tried my best to keep this cold demeanor, hearing my heart beat faster as i hadn’t heard much commotion outside since i’d told jeonghan to see himself out.
it wasn’t until i heard the door slowly close, that i finally let myself cry into my pillow, and my harsh words didn’t sting me until now.
why was i so rude to him? it wasn’t his fault. i just couldn’t help feeling almost angry at him for not feeling the same way.
was i angry at him, or was i angry at the world? whoever it was i was angry at, it still wasn’t fair for me to treat him that way.
it was just a string of weeps into my pillow when i heard my phone ding.
maybe it was seungkwan hearing me from the other room, and my attempt at muffling my cries weren’t as good as i thought.
but my stomach dropped upon seeing jeonghan’s name flash across my screen.
he was probably angry at me for how i treated him, i wouldn’t blame him though.
i read the messages and they only made my heart churn more for the poor boy.
why did i so badly just want to make him upset to match my own feelings? it certainly wasn’t fair to him.
i planned on leaving the messages unopened, at least until the morning giving me enough time to conjure up some kind of answer. but one last message was sent to me on his end, and it made my tears suddenly form a lump in my throat.
