Food Isn’t The Enemy

In recovery for an eating disorder Cis female, biromantic asexual

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So I got a new phone and can’t remember the password to this account or the random old email I used for this account, so here’s my new username:

i-am-a-warrior2716

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Brain: let’s be anxious!!!

Me: but why tho

Brain: .... just be anxious🤪🤪

Me: *jittery and panicking over literally nothing, like I can’t even find a reason whatsoever to be anxious* ...haha, okay

[reallyrotted-deactivated2020061]

i honestly wish i could compile what anorexia has done to my body into a big PSA post but there's literally no way I could accurately show just how bad it's messed me up.

People attack me for hating wannarexics while I'm sitting here, my teeth falling out in chunks ( it happened again today ), joint issues and osteoporosis, my hair cut this way to disguise hair loss, with several dead friends and trauma from inpatient treatment.

Some people in the Tumblr ED community are so stuck on the validity of people's disorders that they don't talk about the horrors of the disorder. I'm 6 months into recovery and I'm never going to have good teeth, I'm likely never gonna be able to have a baby, my joints hurt and my dental bills are absolutely insane.

Some people want me to take anorexia discourse as totally impersonal, when it's affected every single experience I've had since I was 11 years old.

I'm not gonna shut up just so you feel less guilty about posting pro ana tips

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When you don’t have to be anxious about food anymore, but your brain still goes on yeehaw mode every night

...........

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I wish my biggest problem in the world was whether or not I’ll find love

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I’m just saying, if you fake a mental illness to be “quirky,” you’re a piece of shit. Case closed(only goes for people who know for a fact they’re faking. If you question your mental illness, there’s a high probability it’s real).

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I’m only 1 lb away from being completely weight restored!!!!!😆😆😆

[tired-wired-and-bi]

Honestly, the pro-ana community is one of the most toxic communities ever. They have no sense of boundaries, the interact and project their issues onto every post in site with little to no regard for others.

I used to run a fitness/health blog when I was recovering from an ED and they would latch onto my vent posts and reblog them with comments like "omg this is so mee 😍".

Or someone I follow makes an innocent post about how they like big clothes and five million pro ana blogs reblog it. do you know how that makes a person feel?

Like, you have a fucking disorder. If you want to dedicate a blog into purposely triggering yourself, fine. But stay away from other people, no one else wants to see that.

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DO NOT SCROLL PAST. THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR ALL YOU PEOPLE WITH AN EATING DISORDER READING THIS.

I was scrolling through the anorexia tag on Tumblr, just to see how different I feel about it now that I’m in recovery than before. I was horrified by the things I saw.

I understand when people post things as a coping mechanism. That is okay. A lot of people with eating disorders don’t have anyone else to support their mental health.

But what is NOT OKAY is the meanspo, thinspo, sweetspo, and other forms of encouragement for anorexic behaviors.

If you post thinspo/meanspo/sweetspo and say it’s “for yourself,” take that and shove it up your ass. I understand you have an eating disorder and it’s hard to live with one, but an ed is NO EXCUSE to encourage others to destroy themselves. It’s sick. It’s vile.

You might think that it’s alright because the people who see your posts are already sick. WRONG. They are only going to get worse. They could die and you could be partly responsible for encouraging the eating disorder which was responsible for their death. It’s NEVER too late to turn back and seek out help for an eating disorder. NEVER THINK FOR ONE MINUTE that you’re really helping someone by posting thinspo, meanspo, or thinspo. There are also people reading your posts who haven’t developed an ED but are very close to it. It’s not to late for them. They could seek out help and never have to endure this pain. Why would you drag them into this life? It’s not freedom. It’s not self-improvement. It’s not fun. It’s deadly and fucking terrifying.

So if you have to post meanspo/thinspo/sweetspo “for yourself,” please POST IT PRIVATELY. Or better yet, get some help for your mental health. There’s still hope for you, I promise.

[watch-me-stand-up-again]

Alright, don’t get mad. I know me posting this isn’t going to be an instant fix. And I don’t just hate the Tumblr posts encouraging eating disorders. I hate all of diet culture. This post isn’t big; it’s like how one person recycling isn’t going to change the planet. But by posting this, perhaps I opened someone’s eyes to how wrong encouraging eating disorders is. And by doing that, change could happen as more and more people change their minds. It’s a ripple effect, and it might not happen, but as long as it’s possible, that’s what counts. If I hadn’t posted this, that’s one less person trying to fight the harm diet culture does. I’m not trying to be self-righteous; I’m trying to help, because I’ve starved myself and it was a living hell. I never want to go back and I want to make sure nobody else has to live like this.

[watch-me-stand-up-again]

DO NOT SCROLL PAST. THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR ALL YOU PEOPLE WITH AN EATING DISORDER READING THIS.

I was scrolling through the anorexia tag on Tumblr, just to see how different I feel about it now that I’m in recovery than before. I was horrified by the things I saw.

I understand when people post things as a coping mechanism. That is okay. A lot of people with eating disorders don’t have anyone else to support their mental health.

But what is NOT OKAY is the meanspo, thinspo, sweetspo, and other forms of encouragement for anorexic behaviors.

If you post thinspo/meanspo/sweetspo and say it’s “for yourself,” take that and shove it up your ass. I understand you have an eating disorder and it’s hard to live with one, but an ed is NO EXCUSE to encourage others to destroy themselves. It’s sick. It’s vile.

You might think that it’s alright because the people who see your posts are already sick. WRONG. They are only going to get worse. They could die and you could be partly responsible for encouraging the eating disorder which was responsible for their death. It’s NEVER too late to turn back and seek out help for an eating disorder. NEVER THINK FOR ONE MINUTE that you’re really helping someone by posting thinspo, meanspo, or thinspo. There are also people reading your posts who haven’t developed an ED but are very close to it. It’s not to late for them. They could seek out help and never have to endure this pain. Why would you drag them into this life? It’s not freedom. It’s not self-improvement. It’s not fun. It’s deadly and fucking terrifying.

So if you have to post meanspo/thinspo/sweetspo “for yourself,” please POST IT PRIVATELY. Or better yet, get some help for your mental health. There’s still hope for you, I promise.

[watch-me-stand-up-again]

Yesterday I had an appointment with my dietician, and she says I’m getting really close to my weight goal!!!!😆

This means we’re starting to decrease my meal plan so we don’t overshoot my goal, which I’m glad of because I want to start eating like a normal person rather than eating at what seems like all the time. I’m also exited to start learning intuitive eating, which I hope will really help get rid of my calorie counting obsession.

I’m really proud of myself!!!😊😊😊

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Okay. So I’ve seen a trend among people with eating disorders where they try to recover, but end up messing up every time. In fact, I was one of those people. I tried to recover on my own, but ended up relapsing.

Now I’m in recovery and hoping to not relapse ever again, and I wanted to give some advice.

You can not recover on your own. I know some people try to because they think they’re strong enough, or they fear people’s opinions of them changing if others knew about their ED. But it just doesn’t work like that. YOU NEED HELP FROM SOMEONE ELSE.

I recommend talking to a parent or mental health professional. For those of you that have bad relationships with your parents, you can also turn towards a trusted adult in your school for help, such as a counselor. For the adults suffering from an ED, if your parents aren’t a support option, just seek out a mental health professional(preferably one with eating disorder experience). I also recommend a dietician. Dieticians Can help you with questions around food or your weight as you recover, helping you to rationalize your thoughts.

These have helped me a lot, and I can tell that the maintenance stage of my recovery is not far off!! Also, if you have a good friend or a few good friends, talk to them and ask for support from them, too. I haven’t been really good about talking to friends, but I know it will help if you tell the right friend.

And lastly, everyone deserves recovery. There is no such thing as sick enough or skinny enough. There is no enough. If you have an ED, you deserve recovery. It doesn’t matter how much weight you’ve lost or gained. It doesn’t matter how long you have had your eating disorder. It doesn’t matter how low you restrict, how often you purge, or how often you binge. YOU DESERVE RECOVERY.

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Ugghh

I’m torn between wanting to gain weight faster and just be done with it, or wanting to not gain weight too quickly so it’s easier to cope with

Whyyyyyyy

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I don’t get it. I just don’t understand why I have to gain weight. Yes, I know it’s for my own health, but I think I look normal. I feel like I’m a normal weight even though I’m still underweight.

And damn, I’m so triggered every single time I see anyone skinny. Especially if they don’t eat much. I keep thinking to myself, “They are skinny and don’t eat this much, and they’re fine, so why do I have to gain weight?”

I know these thoughts are irrational, because those girls are probably dangerously skinny as well, but I just can’t stop these thoughts no matter how hard I try. :(

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The good news: I challenged myself and ate Mac and cheese.

The bad news: I feel full and regret the Mac and cheese.

Why am I like this? I love Mac and cheese!!

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Is it normal to feel invalid as someone with an eating disorder when I have a good day without the urge to restrict?

I didn’t finish the quesadilla(because my mom intended it for both of us so made it large and yet tried to get me to eat more of it), but I still ate well and without much guilt.

I don’t know, it almost feels like I’m recovering too quickly????

I haven’t really gained any weight that I can see, so maybe I’m not recovering too fast???

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So I felt bad about my “food baby” last night, and still felt bad about it this morning. I ended up crying and hyperventilating, and had to miss my first class.

I calmed down with some body image meditation. Throughout the day I did little doodles and reminders to keep my mind away from disordered thoughts.

After my morning epidemic, I did fine with eating and didn’t feel bad about my body the rest of the day.

I even challenged myself! I ate two pieces of candy without being told to eat them, and when we had tacos for dinner(though mine was more like a burrito), I got seconds on beef and refried beans!!!