hopeless romantic

she/her

[watchingtheworldend]

i love him. i love him so much it’s insane. i love him so much i often find myself questioning whether im the right fit for him. i love the way he looks at me, his little laugh over a joke he’s proud of, his sleepy eyes when he’s tired and his heart i somehow found a place in. i love him when he looks me in my eyes and tells me he loves me. i love him for putting back the pieces of a glass he didn’t break. i love him for drinking from that glass even when some water falls through the cracks. i love him because he does everything and i’d love him if he did nothing. i love his big beady eyes that make my heart flutter and i love his hands that support me when it feels like im slipping. i love the little hearts he makes for me out of scrap wire, i love the chocolates he gets for me when im cranky and the food he makes me eat when i say im not hungry. i love him to death and i love him so much that i’d leave him just so he can be at peace again. because isn’t that what love is? giving up everything you love just to see them smile?

[skylark-234]

"I have spent all my life resisting the desire to end it."

Franz Kafka

[tullipsink]

loving you leaves the taste of heaven in my mouth

[watchingtheworldend]

some songs strike chords in my heart i didnt know existed. some lyrics run deep in my veins and alter my brain chemistry. some lines chill me to my very core and make me question everything. sometimes i feel like im not a person. im just a body assembled to find beauty in the darkest of things and a soul doomed to find solace in things that do not exist.

[watchingtheworldend]

i dont tolerate lies when it comes to the people i love, yet i find myself lying to those i love just to prevent them from seeing me in a different light. so who am i really mad at when you lie? am i mad at you for lying or at myself for seeing a part of myself in you? do i dislike the idea of being friends with myself?

[watchingtheworldend]

i wish someone could experience exactly what i experience and give me very sound advice because god knows i dont trust myself anymore

[watchingtheworldend]

you broke my heart. you let go of everything we had because you could not understand me. i messed up but atleast i hurt myself and not you. but i hope you find your peace. the peace i did not give you. i am sorry i couldnt. how can i give you peace when i cant even give myself that. maybe losing you isn't so bad. atleast one of us will be happy then. atleast one of us will have peace.

[watchingtheworldend]

i dont think anything in my life has been as hard as trying to make myself fall asleep instead of grabbing the blades and making incisions that will last a lifetime. nothing more gruesome has crossed my mind than the midnight thoughts of what my bleeding body would look like on the bathroom floor. nothing more painstakingly tiring than keeping myself in this bed when all i want to do is run inside and end it all. and id end it all. in just a heartbeat. in just one minuscule second when im not too scared to disappoint everyone ive ever loved. but maybe thats the thing about these thoughts, that my life is so incredibly irrelevant on this floating rock that nothing and no one will stop to keep being disappointed.

[watchingtheworldend]

feeling the unfathomable pain of losing a part of yourself and recognising that you have lost it. i know something is gone, empty like a cavity in my soul and i simply do not know how to bring it back and if i can bring it back at all.

[watchingtheworldend]

ive always felt so inauthentic, like im never the perfect fit. not sad enough to be depressed and not joyful enough to be happy. the self harm scars remind me of that inauthenticity. like they werent honest scars, like i was just doing them for attention or to hurt someone else. sometimes i feel like im just overreacting, like i dont deserve to say i feel pain, like i dont deserve to admit im sad, like i dont deserve to be called a survivor or say that im recovering. some days i harm myself just to prove to myself that im not a sham, that my feelings are real my pain is real my grief is real what i feel is real

[watchingtheworldend]

my body feels like a prison. i rip it apart and make incisions on it, maybe to punish myself or hurt myself, maybe to feel just anything, anything at all. some days those cuts act as reminders, reminders that im here and alive, other days, they remind me of the pain, pain i couldnt handle alone.

[watchingtheworldend]

how do you tell them? how do you tell them that you cry yourself to sleep every night? how do you tell them you struggle to catch your breath on most days? how do you tell them that it feels like there’s a rock on your chest at all times? how do you tell them that the cigarettes in your hand are just to keep the blades out of them? how do you tell them that you’re too tired to even go on? how do you tell them that you cannot do this anymore? how do you tell them that you wish it was all over almost everyday?

[watchingtheworldend]

i want to scream and scream and scream. i want to scream till my lungs collapse, i want to scream till my vocal cords rupture, i want to scream till i cant breathe anymore. i want to scream till it stops hurting so much.

[watchingtheworldend]

my complicated relationship with my father will always be the most painful thing in my life. all i want to do is hug him and cry to him about everything that isn’t going right and feel okay but all i get is a grumbled hello, a look of disappointment and the feeling that ill never be good enough.

[watchingtheworldend]

sometimes i think im a coward. too scared to have that conversation. too scared to speak my heart out. too scared to love my body. too scared to accept myself. too scared to face my fears. to scared to accept what i cant change. too scared to end it all.

[watchingtheworldend]

when is it too late? is it when the teacher asks you to try again next time? is it when you miss the last bus? is it when you show up late to that festival? or is it when your mom’s heart is already broken? is it when your dad’s cried already? is it when your sister has forgotten you? is it when you’re sitting on the bathroom floor in a puddle of your own blood?

[watchingtheworldend]

what if life was a phone call? could i put that difficult situation on hold? could i mute the things i knew would inevitably hurt me? could i add another person in my life just to share the burden with? could i switch to facetime and face all my problems instead of running from them? could i end the call and never have to deal with it all again? what if life was a phone call? could i manipulate it all to work around me?