In our desperate rush to become intimate, we may tell too much too soon. Sharing vulnerability is one way we feel close to each other, but sharing indiscriminately or prematurely has the opposite effect. We create a healthy boundary around the self by exercising some control over what we conceal from—or reveal to—others. When it comes to sharing vulnerability, it’s wise to take time to test whether the other person is worthy of hearing our stories and to assess our own level of safety and comfort in sharing sensitive material. We want to trust that the other person isn’t going to deny and minimize our pain, or alternatively, overfocus on our problem in an unhelpful way. We don’t want to be put down, pitied, or gossiped about, nor do we want to have sensitive information used against us. Not everyone finds solace in revealing the personal. People have different coping styles, and some individuals are more private than others.
Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Connection
