Wise Wayfaring! Do you have any tips/advice for female physicians who are also single parents? I will be starting residency soon and while I want kids, I always saw marriage as optional. If I get married, great, but if not, no big deal.
1. Consider surrogacy or adoption if marriage/longterm relationship is optional for you. Or sperm/egg donor situations. A friend of mine had a baby by sperm donor and surrogate right after graduating residency and I think that was a great option for her. I went the adoption route because I didn’t have the need to have my own genes duplicated and I didn’t feel a strong draw to physically carry my own children.
2.Cultivate your village now. Parenting single is hard. You need an abundance of time, money, or help to do it, preferably 2-3/3. Having kids will help you find out who your real friends are. The ones who told me they’d love to help me as a foster parent quickly disappeared when I asked for actual help. You need 3-4 babysitter options on hand at all times, and as a physician you need sitters who will work long/odd hours. I have been fortunate to find two who are willing to come stay with my kids at midnight if I get called in for a delivery. Living in the same town as family is ideal, but I live 6 hours from mine so I had to build the village on my own. Also consider getting a teenager or college student “mother’s helper” in the evenings. I had one briefly and she bathed the kids while I did dishes or laundry and it made bedtime routines smoother.
3. Don’t try single parenting while still in residency. People do it, sure, but it’s not ideal. If you can stand waiting a few more years, do. Residency schedules are wild and daycares typically aren’t open all the hours you’ll need help.
4. Think hard about your specialty choice. Surgical specialties are going to make single parenting considerably more difficult. It’s pretty hard to make it to a 7am case if daycare doesn’t open until 7:30, and delivering babies at 3am is hard when your own baby is at home asleep. Specialties with busy call schedules will also make having a village of sitters necessary. Consider an outpatient-only specialty or one with a lighter call schedule.
5. Similarly to #4, think through your work hours. Maybe working 0.6 or 0.8 is more conducive to single parenting. I work 1.0 but I have 2 admin half-days a week that I often utilize for my kids’ doctors and therapy appointments. The little things add up. When will you get your oil changed and your hair cut? Will you be able to take kiddo with you grocery shopping and to your own appointments?
6. Find a family-friendly work environment. My first two jobs were not conducive with single parenting for a variety of reasons (location too far from daycare, no flexibility of schedule, overwork, too many work expectations outside of work hours). I’ve been lucky to work in an academic setting in a residency program that is VERY family oriented, so there have always been people available to jump in and take over for me when I had to get a sick kid from daycare or when my youngest was hospitalized for a week. Will your job allow you time and space to breast feed if you choose to? Will they balk when you have to take a day off to care for a kid with the flu? Do they offer parental leave for adoptions? All stuff to think about.
7. Make a will. Have your end of life planning set. I’m sure you’re probably young, but when you have dependents this is something that really has to be done. Who will take the child(ren) if you are incapacitated or die? My sister told me no after I assumed she would be an automatic yes. Set up trusts for your kids so they’ll be financially ok if something terrible happens to you.
8. Figure out how you’re going to take time for yourself. Single parents often go, go, go and don’t take time to refill their cups. Find a hobby, a gym, a church or civic group, or a book club that you can contribute to and benefit from on a weekly basis so you can have some grown up time. Play dates for the kids don’t count. This is something I still haven’t been good at doing but it’s so needed. Maybe it’s a weekly babysitter or mom’s morning out daycare appointment. Maybe, like me, you have a friend who volunteers to take the kids one Saturday a month so you can have quiet mom time. But definitely find time for that massage or nail appointment that makes you feel human again.
9. Work on your own emotional regulation. I’m preaching to myself and all people with children here. People who parent with partners often have the option to say “give me 20 minutes to chill” and the partner takes over for a bit. You will not have this option as a single parent, so make sure you have ways to regulate yourself in the moment when you’re really frustrated with your kid so you don’t end up saying or doing things you regret.
10. Consider the burden single parenting has on the children themselves. I felt like I could be independent and do the parenting thing on my own, but my boys talk all the time about wishing they had a dad. They point out single men in stores and ask if they could be their dad. They miss out on dad things at school. They wish they had someone to help them with sports. They just want a second parent. I didn’t really consider how my contented singleness could potentially be a burden on my children. It may not change your plans, but give it some thought.
Parenting is very hard, nonnie, but it’s also very rewarding. I hope you figure out your path and have a great time doing it.
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